Tao sat outside of the operating room curled in a small ball with his knees pulled up to his chest. The noise around him all sounded like a dull buzz and he felt empty inside. Yixing was gone and Kris was in the process of leaving.

He was so sick of everyone leaving. His teachers when they found other students to focus on, his friends when they became too busy to visit, and the doctors that only wanted “what was best for him”, even his parents who were supposed to be there for him no matter what were gone. Then when he finally found someone that looked at him not as a burden or a patient, he left too. What had he been expecting with Kris? He was no different than the rest of them and he was just a few steps from gone as well.

Through the doors he heard a machine beep in alarm. Shouts and the scratching of feet against the floor were heard and he covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut trying to block out the sound of his last friend leaving. A soft hand on his shoulder startled him and he flinched before looking up into the kind eyes of his nurse. He noted her eyes staring down on him filled with sympathy and pity.

“Tao sweetheart, why don’t you go rest in your room while you wait for your friend to be done with surgery.”

He knew she was lying. He could tell that she was doubtful that Kris would pass through the doors alive. What was the point of caring anyways? It was his fault for being so stupid. Numbly, he nodded and stood on his feet. Taking one shaky step at a time, he started towards his room. After what seemed like forever he found himself in front of the small square room he called “home”. Opening the door he didn’t even bother to take off his shoes and limply flopped into bed face first. With each breath he inhaled the sterile scent of the sheets and room that had been cleaned. The window was closed and the blinds drawn blocking out any light from the outside. The clock on the wall read 3:29 in the afternoon. Tao’s eyes darted to the door that normally would be opening with Yixing coming to give Tao his 3:30 medicine, but instead the clock ticked onwards past 3:30 with the door unmoved from its original position. Glancing back at the closed curtain, Tao could almost hear Yixing voice scolding him and telling him that the fresh air and sunlight would make him feel better.

But Yixing was gone and Tao was done caring whether or not he lived or died. If only Kris hadn’t come into the picture. If only Kris had let him be then he wouldn’t be feeling so empty and broken inside. If only Kris hadn’t come and made his life a mess. Digging his nails into his palm he buried his face into the pillows. Part of him hoped that Kris would die. Then he wouldn’t have any attachment to the living world and he could just wait for death peacefully, but some part deep down still clung to the idea of living happily with Kris.

“What’s the point?” Tao whispered to himself, “Even if he lives, he’ll just leave like everyone else.”

The clock now read 5:05 and Tao realized that in a few minutes the nurses would be coming around to deliver dinner. Pushing himself up by his hands he frowned when red palm prints stained the pillows. Turning his hand, he sighed when he noticed 4 crescent moon gashes in the soft tissue of his hand. Rolling out of bed he went to the bathroom and rinsed the blood away. Slapping a band aid over the area he went back to his bed and flipped the sheets so the soiled side was hidden from sight. Just as he was getting back into the bed the doors opened and the nurses rolled their cart filled with hospital food in and greeted him with cheery voices.

“Good evening Tao. What would you like tonight, chicken or pasta?”

Tao wasn’t hungry, but he knew if he didn’t eat the nurses would throw a fit so he just picked whatever seemed cheaper to throw away.

“Pasta please.”

They set the warm try down on the table and rolled back out of the room and onto the next.

Tao slowly peeled the lid off of the meal and looked down at the white flimsy noodles. As the scent hit his nose his stomach churned and he jumped from his bed and slid to a stop in front of the toilet just as his stomach heaved up whatever it could find. When he was done he rinsed his mouth out and returned to his room. Covering his mouth and nose, he put the lid back on and carried it to the bathroom. Quickly he scraped the food into the toilet while holding his breath. He knew that if he just threw the whole thing away, the nurses would scold him when they came to clean the garbage. Placing the empty bowl and tray back on the table he dug under the covers and pulled them over his head. Nuzzling his face into the sheets he closed his eyes and fanaticized about what life would have been like if Yixing hadn’t died and Kris found another donor. Although neither situation would’ve helped his condition at least he had people to be with him. At least he wouldn’t have been alone. The urge to cry bubbled with in his empty stomach, but he didn’t have any tears to shed.  

Suddenly the door burst open and Tao’s nurse hurried into the room.

“Tao! Tao!” she shouted.

Pushing the covers off, he squinted at the light and gave her a confused look, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Kris!”

Tao’s stomach flipped

“He made it through the surgery!”

Then his heart

“He’s going to live!”

Tao felt his breath leave his body and he sat wide-eyed and stunned. He was happy and thrilled that Kris survived the surgery, it meant he wasn’t alone, but then he was sad. Kris was healthy, was Tao really going to ask him to spend his time in a hospital full of sick people? He was young and smart. He could get into a good school and live a happy life.

“Tao? Aren’t you happy?” his nurse asked confused when Tao sat staring at the floor showing no emotion.

A small smile formed on his lips, “That’s great news. Thank you for letting me know. I can now sleep comfortably.”

“Ah, yes… well have a good night; you should be able to visit him tomorrow.”

Tao just nodded.

After she left he quickly buried back down into his covers. His hands shook and his heart was racing. Kris was alive. Kris was going to live.

But he was still sick.

He was still in the hospital.

He was still going to die. 

I'm back! It's been a really long time TT.TT

I hope you enjoyed the update.

I know I don't deserve it because I'm a terrible author, but pleave upvote, subscribe, comment, etc.

Until next time XOXO