All Jongdae had ever wanted was to apologize to me.

And I pushed him away blindly without knowing his sincere intents.

I felt like stabbing myself repeatedly because I can't take these nasty feelings away from me. The feeling of guilt. When I think about how Jongdae had taken all these regrets with him right to his grave, my head started to float. I got dizzy. I guess I couldn't take it anymore. Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.

                                                                                              +     +     +

As my sight is slowly starting to regain it's focus, my doctors told me softly that I fainted due to a shock. I gave him a weak nod. The doctor was about to take his leave but I stopped him briefly.

"Mr...Choo..." I touched my forehead lightly because of the dizziness, "so why did I get chest pain the previous time I was in the hospital?"

Some questions were still left unsolved. The last time I was in the hospital,I was admitted in due to my chest pain. It was on the day I first met Soojung.

"Your heavy alcoholic habits, smoking, certain forbidden drugs you administered, stress and various other factors.." the doctor explained.

"I...I thought I had those symptoms.... " I said softly and the doctor left after answering my question.

It is not possible for me to get the same disease as my mother, since I was adopted. Now I know.

I thought back about Jongdae's letter and my headache grew worse. He said he met soo jung was to just ask about my wellbeing..... that means what Chanyeol and Baekhyun told me was untrue. They told me soo jung was cheating on me with Jongdae. Some people just never change. Everyone in this world can blame them for their wrongdoing. Only I cannot. Because it is me who chose not to trust Jongdae and soo jung. For one, I am the cause.

Misunderstandings and misunderstandings.. they'd all pile up in a mess and when it's time you feel like clearing the mess, you'd realize everything is all too late. Everything has happened. What had happened cannot be undone.

For some reason I had not shed a single tear ever since I knew of the truth of Jongdae and Soojung. I could not cry. Perhaps sadness and sorrow overwhelmed me so much that crying is not even an option now. The truth broke me inside. All my body could do to take on the weight of it was to grow weak and faint and get headaches. I wonder if it's possible to purposefully give me an amnesia so I could forget every single thing. But I know my body can't lie.

As I got better I went to take a stroll at my garden. The swing me and Jongdae played with when we were young were still there.

Old pine wood swing with rusty chains stood at the back of the garden quietly. It's appearance is small as compared to this gigantic garden, but it has a big presence. It contains happy memories of me and jongdae. The only happy memories we had before we fought.

I carefully walked around the 2 seated swing, hands brushing past the wood with carvings. "Stupid Jongdae", "I won again - Jongin" childish things like that were carved on the wood. Childish things like that made me happy.

I sat down on the swing and swing myself lightly. I looked up and stared at the breezy and quiet sky. My mind was empty.

I prepared to go back to the hospital but I felt a rough touch at my fingertips as I held on to the bottom part of the swing seat. I squatted down and squinted my eyes to make out the wooden carving. It was a carving I don't ever remember seeing Jongdae or me doing it.

"No....matter...." I read out steadily.

My eyes widened and tears filled my eyes and then overflowed down my cheek. I started to sob so hard I found it hard to breathe. My hands trembled and moans left the grasp of my weak lips. 

I could finally cry. I could finally let out my grief without having to let my body endure it and faint and feel pain. I could finally breathe.

"No matter what.....I just want him to be happy..." Jongdae's handwriting wrote, "even when I am gone, because he is my brother."