Travelling by metro had never been Kris’ favourite thing and travelling in the summer was always worse. No matter how fancy or new the train the sheer number of people packed into the carriage always made it stiflingly hot. By the time Kris made it home he was always red-faced, his shirt stuck to his back and his hair stuck to his forehead. But it was the quickest and cheapest way for him to get to and from work so he’d never complained about it too much. He’d always been able to deal with it.

Lately though journeying to and from work was becoming more and more difficult for him.

Because he was pregnant. Pregnant enough for the heat to be bothering him more than usual and for standing still too long to wreak havoc with his back but unfortunately not pregnant enough for people to automatically assume ‘pregnant’ when they looked at him. He was nearly five months gone and showing but he wasn’t the right build for that to be someone’s first guess. He was a tall, gangly, office worker in a crumpled suit. When people looked at him and took in his figure they assumed he was the kind of guy who worked too much overtime and ate too much takeout. The kind of guy who went out for drinks with his colleagues more often than he should. And Kris wouldn’t have minded this assumption so much if there wasn’t a woman who must be no more pregnant than he was who took the same train home as him every day that was invariably offered a seat as soon as she stepped through the doors. She got to sit down for the whole fifteen minutes it took her to get to her station and ninety per cent of the time he had to stand the whole thirty minutes it took him to get to his. He thought that was incredibly unfair.

And when he got off the train things got even worse. He made it out of the station without incident but when he made it outside he found that the sun was shining and that there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. It was only a ten-minute walk to his apartment but the warm weather had him sweating more than he had been on the train.  

Then he was in his apartment building and he thought the nightmare was almost over. But as he approached the elevator he realised there was a piece of paper stuck to the doors. A piece of paper that said ‘This elevator is out of order. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.’

“Sorry for any inconvenience caused.” Kris mumbled derisively under his breath as he shook his head and made for the stairwell. “Like that’s going to make anyone who has to go up more than two floors feel any better.” He needed to go up four. It didn’t sound like a lot but by the time he made up two flights of stairs to the first floor he could already feel a stitch forming. He paused on the landing, adjusting the strap of his bag and rubbing his side as he tried to catch his breath.

Maybe he should just give up and stay there for the night. He could use his jacket and make a space for himself in the corner. And he had half a bag of shrimp crackers and an unopened bottle of water in his bag, they’d see him through until morning he was sure.

He shook his head at his own ridiculousness and with a sigh he grabbed the railing and started for the second floor. Not only was his back aching but his feet and legs were now too. The sooner he got home the sooner he could sit down. Maybe once he did he’d feel a little better.

By the time he reached the fourth floor landing he’d changed ‘the sooner he could sit down’ to the ‘sooner he could pass out’. He was completely exhausted. But he was nearly there. There were no more stairs to go, all he had to do was go through the fire doors and walk down the hallway. Then he’d be at his own front door and home.

And he was soon there, standing in front of his door and rummaging through his bag for his house keys.

Which weren’t there he soon realised. He’d shoved them in his trouser pocket that morning he belatedly remembered, then thrown them onto his desk when he got into work. And that was where they still were, sitting on his desk beside the superman figure Minseok had bought him for his birthday. He leant back against the door letting his head fall back with a thump. He was such an idiot. Minseok was probably home by now so it wasn’t as if he was going to be locked out for long but that wasn’t the point. It had been a really long day, he was hot and sweaty and tired and hungry and on top of everything his brain was turning to mush. Life . That was the point.

And it was then that Minseok proved that Kris was right and that he was indeed home. The door Kris had been leaning against swung inwards and he stumbled backwards over the threshold, his arms flailing as he tried to catch his balance.

Luckily for Kris Minseok reacted pretty quickly, his hands going to his shoulders to steady him.

“Thanks.” Kris breathed. As embarrassing as falling backwards into his husband’s arms had been it could have been so much worse.

“You’re welcome.” Minseok told him. “Are you okay?”

He looked concerned and Kris didn’t blame him. He had just fallen backwards through their front door, and he was sure he looked like a red-faced, sweaty mess. But Kris didn’t want him to worry. And he definitely didn’t want Minseok to hear him complaining. He knew no matter what he said that it must be hard for Minseok, seeing him pregnant. When they’d first started trying they’d decided that Minseok would be the one to carry their baby. It was something Minseok had always wanted, to have a baby of his own. Only it hadn’t turned out that way. They’d tried and after a year of getting nowhere they’d gone to the doctor. And after some tests they’d been told that it was very unlikely that Minseok would be able to conceive unaided.

They’d looked into fertility treatments but they were all so expensive and there was always a chance they wouldn’t work. Was it worth saving up the money if they were just going to end up disappointed? And then Minseok had asked Kris if he would do it, if he would have their baby. Kris hadn’t known what to say at first. Being pregnant had always been Minseok’s dream, that wasn’t something he wanted to take away from him. And he’d never thought about being pregnant himself. It just wasn’t something he’d ever considered. When he’d thought about having children he’d always envisioned it being Minseok who would carry and give brith to their child. But Minseok was nothing if not practical. He’d told Kris that if it was okay with him then they should try it. They’d both had the full set of fertility tests when they’d visited the doctor and there was nothing to stop them doing it that way. Why waste money on expensive, invasive treatments when they could just switch roles? It would still be their baby, even if he wasn’t the one carrying it. It would still be half him and half Kris and that was all that mattered. And Kris, never able to say no to Minseok had agreed.

So now here he was, pregnant with their baby when it should have been Minseok. When it had gone right for them, when the pregnancy test had come back positive Minseok had been over the moon. He hadn’t been able to stop smiling. But Kris couldn’t help thinking there’d been some hurt there too, behind the happiness. It had taken Kris three months to do what Minseok would probably never be able to do, there was no way that hadn’t stung.

So no, he wasn’t going to complain. It must be hard enough for Minseok to see him pregnant as it was without him going on about how much he hated it. So he assured him he was okay and forcing a smile he headed for their room. “I’m just clumsy. You know me.” He added.

Still looking worried Minseok followed him. “You look tired.” He observed.

“Today was a busy day.” He admitted, deciding to simply downplay things. Minseok knew him well enough to be able to see right through him if he lied. “But after a shower and something to eat I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure…” Minseok said, not looking entirely convinced.

“I’m sure.” Kris told him as he started rummaging through his drawer for sleepwear. So far he’d managed to get by without buying maternity clothes so far. He could no longer fit into his tighter, more fitted clothing but the rest of his clothes still fit him. There was a difference between fitting and fitting comfortably though and he couldn’t wait to swap his work clothes for a t-shirt and some jogging bottoms.

Minseok watched as collected up boxers, sleepwear and socks and piled them on top of the dresser. Kris could see his reflection in the mirror. He was standing in the doorway, chewing on his lip. “I really am okay.” Kris insisted, turning to face him.

“I know.” Minseok told him. “You’re just tired.”

Kris nodded. “Yes. I’m just tired.” He picked up his clothes and made for the door.

He’d made it halfway down the hall when he felt Minseok’s hand grip his sleeve and he came to a stop.

“You know…” Minseok said when Kris turned to look at him, “… if you’re finding this hard, you can say so.”

“I’m not.” Kris said, his answer immediate.

Maybe a little too immediate because Minseok’s response was a sceptical “Right.”

“I’m fine.” He could feel his resolve cracking. It was no wonder really. He was so, so tired and pretty much everything hurt. But he’d promised himself he wasn’t going to complain in front of Minseok and he was going to keep that promise. He needed to get a grip. “I’ll talk to you after my shower.”

 This time when he made to walk down the hall Minseok didn’t stop him.

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

The shower had helped but only a little. He no longer felt so gross and sweaty but he was still tired and his back and his legs still ached. He tried not to let on though as he walked into the kitchen where Minseok was making dinner. “Smells good.” He said as he came up behind him, hands automatically going to his waist, his chin coming to rest on the top of his head.

“Thanks.” Minseok said quietly as he continued stirring the pasta.

“Do you need any help?” Kris asked. Minseok seemed tense and he wondered he’d done something wrong without meaning to. He was pretty good at that. “I can set the table if you want.”

“I’ll do it.” Minseok told him. “You’re tired, you should go and sit down.”

“I’m not that tired.” Kris said, pressing a kiss to his hair. “I can manage.”

Then Minseok was forcibly moving Kris’ hands from his waist and Kris was stepping back, surprised.

“What if I don’t want you to manage?” Minseok asked.

He sounded almost angry and Kris had no idea why. All he’d done was offer to set the table. “But…” he stuttered, not sure how to respond, “… but I can. Manage I mean.” It wasn’t that difficult.

“That’s not the point.” Minseok said, frustrated. “I just want to help, that’s the point. And you won’t let me.”

“What?” Kris asked, totally confused.

“I want to help.” Minseok repeated.  “I failed at giving you a baby. The least I can do is try and make things a little easier for you since I’ve guilted you into giving me one.” He added, his voice wavering slightly at the end.

“You didn’t guilt me into anything.” Kris argued. Minseok’s words had shocked him so much he was surprised he’d managed to reply at all.

“Yes I did.” Minseok said, not quite meeting his eye now. “I did and I’m sorry. You said it yourself, you’d never thought about being pregnant before I brought it up. And now I’ve forced you into it. I don’t blame you if you resent me for that.”

“Minseok…” He had no idea what to say. What Minseok was saying, it was absurd. He hadn’t forced him into anything. They’d discussed and they’d both agreed. “… Minseok I… that’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?” he asked, his unconvinced face back on.

“Yes.” Kris insisted. “It’s completely ridiculous. You didn’t force me into anything.”

“But…” Minseok started to say but Kris didn’t let him finish.

“I’m carrying our baby.” Kris reminded him, his hand going to his stomach. “We’re going to be parents. It might not have come around how we imagined it would but we’ve wanted it for so long… how can I resent you when we’ve made it a reality?”

Minseok still wasn’t pacified. “If you aren’t mad at me then why are you shutting me out?” he asked. “Why won’t you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“I’m not…” Kris argued. And then he realised that actually, yes, he was. Every time he lied to Minseok and told him he was fine he was technically pushing him away, “… okay I have been. A little bit.” He amended. “It’s just I didn’t want to be insensitive. I didn’t want to complain, not when you spent so long trying to get pregnant, not when finding out you couldn’t hurt you so much.” It had more than hurt him, he’d been devastated.

It took a second for Minseok to process this but when he did his shoulders relaxed a little and his expression softened. “I appreciate the thought.” He said, stepping closer to Kris and taking the hand he still had resting on his belly. He gave it a squeeze. “But you don’t have to tiptoe around me. If you’re struggling you can say so. I’d rather you did. That way I can help. At the moment I feel… well I feel like I’m not needed… like an outsider looking in.”

Kris had never thought about it that way. He’d thought that the less he talked about his pregnancy the better. He’d thought talking about it to Minseok would effectively be rubbing the fact he couldn’t get pregnant in his face. He’d never considered that it was a way of making him feel involved. “Okay,” he said. If talking about it was what Minseok wanted him to do then he would. “well I’m tired today. Really tired.” He admitted. “I had to stand all the way home on the train and my back is still aching. And the elevator’s out of order so my legs are hurting too.”

Minseok smiled. “You’re cute when you whine.” He told him.

“I’m not cute.” Kris protested. That was Minseok’s job, to be small and cute. His job was to be tall and handsome. He was failing on the handsome today, his hair was all over the place from his shower and his skin hadn’t been great lately either but at least the tall wasn’t something you could take away from him.

“You’re pouting.” Minseok informed him, still grinning.

“I’m not.” He didn’t pout.

“You are.” Minseok told him. Then he was stretching up on his tiptoes and kissing his nose. “Go and sit down. I’ll bring you dinner when it’s ready. Then if you’re back’s still hurting I’ll give you a back rub before bed. How does that sound?”

“That sounds good.” It sounded more than good, it sounded amazing. “And I’m sorry, for making you feel like I don’t need you. I do. I couldn’t do this without you.”

“I get it, you were trying to spare my feelings. You don’t need to apologise for that.” Minseok told him. “Just talk to me in future, okay? So I can help. Like you said, it’s our baby you’ve got in there.”

Kris nodded, leaning down and capturing Minseok’s lips with his own. He could do that.