Chanyeol was trying really hard not to wake him. Baekhyun could tell partly because he hadn’t turned the light on but mostly by the amount of noise he was making. If he’d been less concerned about disturbing him then he wouldn’t be tripping over his own feet every two seconds and he wouldn’t have just bumped into the bedside table because he was trying to kick his jeans off in the dark. Since Baekhyun wasn’t really sleeping though he supposed he couldn’t be too annoyed with him. And then he heard something clink and Chanyeol was swearing under his breath and turning the bedside lamp on. Baekhyun cracked one eye open and watched as he dropped to his knees and started looking for something on the floor.

“Stupid keys…” Chanyeol muttered and Baekhyun went back to feigning sleep. Why he couldn’t just hang them up by the door when he came in like a normal person he would never know.

And then he was hearing Chanyeol get to his feet again and the noise of metal hitting wood and he had to resist the urge to open his eyes again because it sounded like he’d found his keys and instead of making the effort to go out into the hall and put them away he was throwing them on top of the dresser instead. And Baekhyun knew exactly what was going to happen, come tomorrow morning Chanyeol was going to forget he’d put them there and then he’d be turning the house upside down looking for them. But he couldn’t tell him why putting them where they were supposed to go would have been better because he was supposed to be sleeping. If he let Chanyeol know he was awake then he was going to want to talk to him and talking to him was something he was trying to avoid. Because he knew what they’d inevitably end up talking about. Yixing had stopped by earlier to tell them that he was meeting up with one of his old school friends later in the week and it just so happened that that old school friend now worked for a relatively small but pretty successful music label. And that wasn’t all, when Yixing had mentioned to him that he had a friend who was a musician he’d said he’d love to hear some of his stuff. Understandably Chanyeol had been thrilled, he’d been trying to turn writing music into a viable career for as long as Baekhyun had known him and having his music heard by someone already in the industry was a big step in the right direction. And that was great, it really was, but that didn’t mean he had to bring it up in each and every conversation they had. Every time he did Baekhyun felt a stab of envy so acute that it was almost painful  because as much as he loved Chanyeol the fact he still had a shot at achieving his dream when he’d as good as flushed any chance of achieving his own down the drain was hard to take.

And he knew it was childish of him, he knew letting it get to him wasn’t healthy but he couldn’t help it. Singing was his life, and performing on stage was all he’d ever wanted to do. No scrap that, his parents had tried to persuade him to pursue a career in business and he’d resisted, leaving school and getting a part time job so he could focus on singing instead so performing was all he was qualified to do. At the time it had seemed like a logical decision, he’d never wanted an office job so there was no point in studying for a degree in business and finance, it would be a waste of his time and his parents’ money. He had a bucket load of self-confidence and a voice people wanted to listen to and that was all he needed to get where he wanted to be. But now he was seriously regretting not listening to them because he was twenty-two years old and pregnant with a minimum wage job and no qualifications to speak of. And singing for a living, well that was no longer an option for him. No one was going to want to invest time and money on him, not when he had a baby. He was a failure, that’s what he was and that was why it stung so much every time Chanyeol brought up how happy he was. And that wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault, not at all, and since yelling at him for something he couldn’t help was something Baekhyun didn’t want to stoop to avoiding talking to him until that jealousy simmered down was the only thing he could think of to do. 

Then the light was being switched off and the mattress was dipping and he thought he’d succeeded in avoiding the inevitable argument because Chanyeol was getting into bed and knowing him he’d be asleep within minutes and he wouldn’t have to worry about talking to him until the morning. But then an arm was being thrown over his waist and Baekhyun automatically stiffened, his breath hitching in his throat. Yes he was mad at Chanyeol but more than that he was mad at himself, he didn’t deserve the comfort of someone else’s arms wrapped around him. Chanyeol, obviously noticing something was up immediately drew back, sitting up and reaching for the bedside lamp again.

“I knew it!” He exclaimed as the light came on.

“Knew what?” Baekhyun asked, deciding that since he’d been caught out he’d better open his eyes and sit up too. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew exactly what Chanyeol was talking about but it was the only thing he could think of to say.

 “I knew as soon as I came in that you weren’t asleep.” Chanyeol told him, not sounding happy in the slightest. “You were far too quiet. Then I thought I’d better give you the benefit of the doubt, earlier you did look kind of exhausted, but obvously that was stupid of me because I was right the first time. You were pretending to be asleep so I wouldn't talk to you.”

Since he’d pretty much hit the nail on the head there really wasn’t much Baekhyun could say. He very rarely went to bed before Chanyeol got back from work, in fact he usually made an effort to wait up for him so for him to be asleep when he got in could only mean one of two things. Either he was so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open or he was trying to avoid him so disagreeing with him would be pointless. “I didn’t want to talk to you because I didn’t want to end up arguing with you.” He explained instead. “I was doing you a favour so if you could do me a favour and turn the light out so I can go to sleep for real this time I’d really appreciate it. Because you were right about that too, it’s been a really long day and I’m stupidly tired.”

“You’re mad at me.” Chanyeol said slowly as if the thought had only just occurred to him. Knowing Chanyeol it probably had, he could be pretty slow sometimes.

“Of course I’m mad at you!” Baekhyun snapped. “Why else would I be avoiding talking to you?”

“I don’t know… because you were worried about something but you didn’t want me to think you were being stupid?”

To be fair that was a pretty regular occurrence Baekhyun thought his expression softening slightly. But then he remembered how giddy Chanyeol had been since Yixing told him about his record label friend and his complete lack of consideration when it came to his feelings and he was frowning again.

Chanyeol answered him with a frown of his own. “Stop looking at me like you want to strangle me. You can’t blame me for not jumping straight to ‘he’s angry’, I mean you’re wearing my clothes. You can’t be that mad at me if you’ve been raiding my wardrobe.”

Again Chanyeol did have a point. Wearing someone’s clothes when you were mad at them wasn’t something most sane people did. To be fair though he hadn’t exactly been feeling himself, no he’d spent the day swinging between wanting to throttle his boyfriend and wanting to cling to him and dissolve into a sobbing mess. But since he a) didn’t really want to end up in jail and b) had far too much pride for the latter to be an option he’d settled on wearing his hoodie and ignoring his existence instead. It was a good compromise he’d thought, it probably made him a terrible person but he always found giving people the silent treatment pretty satisfying. And when his mood swung round from angry to depressed he just yanked the oversized sweatshirt down over his knees and pulled the hood up, the extra warmth and the smell of Chanyeol that still clung to it immediately making him feel better. Sniffing your boyfriend’s clothes might be kind of creepy but Baekhyun didn’t really have the energy to care. He was pretty sure his hormones were to blame for how up and down he’d been feeling, or at least they weren’t helping and frankly dealing with that was exhausting. “Look… I just… I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” he said quietly, resisting the urge to retreat inside the sweatshirt again like the emotionally unstable mess that he was. “So please, can we just go to sleep? Then tomorrow when I wake up I can pretend today never happened.”

Sadly his heartfelt plea did nothing to discourage Chanyeol’s continued questioning. “No, we need to sort this out. So come on, what did I do? If you don’t tell me then I can’t fix it.”

“You didn’t do anything. Not really. Me being mad at you, it’s not your fault.” Baekhyun told him. Chanyeol looked worried and he didn’t like it. If he kept up the concerned boyfriend act Baekhyun knew exactly what was going to happen. His defences were going to crumble and he was going to break down and spill everything. The jealousy he felt whenever Chanyeol’s career took another forward step, how down he’d been feeling about of not being able to sing professionally anymore, the fact he sometimes wished he wasn’t pregnant, he’d blurt it all out and Chanyeol would be disgusted with him. He’d been on cloud nine from the moment he’d shown him the positive pregnancy test, the happiest Baekhyun had ever seen him so there was no way he was going to react well to that kind of admission.

“I must have done something.”Chanyeol argued. “You can’t be mad at me for nothing, it doesn’t make sense.”

“Yes it does.” Baekhyun told him, trying to think of the best way to explain it. “If it starts raining before I go out the door that’s nobody’s fault,” was what he went with, “but that doesn't stop me getting annoyed about it.”

Chanyeol still wasn’t getting it. “That’s not the same.” He said. “Getting annoyed at the weather is a totally different thing than being angry with an actual person. So just tell me what I did.”

“No it’s not different.” Baekhyun told him, his frustration with the conversation becoming more evident by the second. Why couldn’t he just drop it? He’d already told him he didn’t want to talk about it. “The weather isn’t something you can control, and you being excited when you get good news, that’s not something you can control either. And I feel like an idiot for being angry with you right now but I honestly can’t help it. So it’s exactly the same.”

“Me being excited…” Chanyeol said slowly, totally confused now. “…excited about what? The baby?”

“No!” Baekhyun snapped. “Not the baby.” Obviously he wasn’t the only idiot in the room. “The dopey smile on your face every time someone mentions it, yeah that’s getting kind of old but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about today.”

“Today?” Chanyeol echoed and once again Baekhyun had to resist the urge to reach over and throttle him. He was being ridiculously slow.

“Yes, today. You just… you just wouldn’t shut up. Every two seconds it was ‘can you believe it?’ or ‘what if they really like it?’, and I get it, Yixing getting this guy to listen to your music, it’s a big deal. And I’m happy for you, I am. But every time you mention it… I…well I…” I go green with envy and I want to smother you in your sleep was what he wanted to say but he didn’t think that would go down very well.

Rather surprisingly Chanyeol didn’t look the least bit offended. In fact the expression on his face went from confused to sympathetic. “You were supposed to have that audition this week, weren’t you?” he said. “For that musical.”

“Yeah…” Baekhyun said quietly. One of their friends worked at the local theatre and had managed to get his name on the list. And while he’d been trying his hardest not to think about it that was a big part of why he was feeling so bad. Chanyeol’s news kept reminding of the fact that he’d been going places too before he’d ended up pregnant and it hurt.

“I’m sorry.” Chanyeol told him and he sounded it. “I didn’t think. If I’d remembered I’d have turned the excitement down a notch.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Baekhyun mumbled, not quite meeting his eyes. This had been precisely what he’d been trying to avoid. A worried and apologetic Chanyeol wasn’t something he could handle right that second, not when he’d been close to tears all day as it was. “Like I said, it’s not your fault.”

“You know, it’s not your fault either.” Chanyeol reminded him. “The fact you’re pregnant I mean. It’s not like either of us planned it… it just… well it just happened.”

“I know that… I just… maybe I should have listened to my parents. If I had I wouldn’t be in this mess. My dad would have found me job by now, I’d be making real money. I wouldn’t have to sit down every Monday and budget for food. I wouldn’t have to choose between paying the electricity bill and paying off my credit card.” That had been a particularly bad month, Chanyeol had had to take a week off work because of the flu and he’d had to take two days off to go to a family wedding and missing out on just those seven days of pay between them had had a real impact on the amount of money that had come in at the end of the month. It had been a struggle. And now they had a baby to think about things were only going to get worse.

“You wouldn’t be happy.” Chanyeol countered.

Baekhyun shrugged. Maybe not but at least his parents wouldn’t think he was a failure. At least they wouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about him to their friends.

“If you hadn’t started working at that coffee shop I’d never have met you.” Chanyeol said next.

“If you hadn’t met me then you’d be much better off.” Baekhyun told him and he meant every word. “You might have met someone who actually deserved you.”

“Don’t do that.” Chanyeol told him, a hand going up to cup his cheek, his thumb wiping at the corner of his eye.

Baekhyun, who hadn’t even realised his eyes had been watering flushed red with embarrassment and batted his hand away. “I mean it. I don’t deserve you. I’m a horrible person.” Chanyeol’s habit of only seeing the best in people was one of the things that had attracted him to him in the first place but right now he was finding it nothing short of infuriating. “A truly horrible person. And now you’re stuck with me one way or another for life.” Even if Chanyeol came to his senses and broke up with him they were having a baby together, they’d have to speak to each other whether they liked it or not.

Chanyeol shook his head in disbelief. “What are you talking about? Okay, so you’re not perfect. But who is? It doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person.”

“Yes I am!” Baekhyun exclaimed. He felt dangerously close to hysterics but there didn’t seem to be much he could do about it. “It’s not just the music thing.” He added, his gaze dropping to the bedcovers in embarrassment. “I looked in the mirror today when I was getting dressed and do you know what the first thing I thought was? I thought ‘I don’t even look like me anymore’ and then I thought ‘I wish I wasn’t pregnant’. I’m hardly showing and I wished our baby away because of vanity. I shouldn’t care that when I turn side on to the mirror it looks like I’ve just eaten when I haven’t, I shouldn’t care about the fact my clothes won’t fit soon. I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s shallow and it’s selfish and it’s just… it’s disgusting that’s what it is. Do you know how many people want children and can’t have them? I don’t deserve this baby not when I…”

At first all Chanyeol could manage was shocked silence. Then he was shaking his head again as if to clear it, his hand going up to cup Baekhyun’s cheek again, his grip firmer this time as he tilted his head up, demanding eye contact. “Seriously, stop. It’s taking you a while to come to terms with being pregnant that’s all. And that’s understandable, even people who’ve been trying for a baby for years can find it hard to adjust at first.”

Baekhyun reached up and took Chanyeol’s hand in his own, lowering it back down to rest on the bed between them. He didn’t let it go. He’d already made a complete fool of himself, clinging onto his hand like it was a lifeline wasn’t going to make things any worse. “That’s no excuse.” He said, shaking his head. “You’ve been happy about this from the minute I told you. And it’s been over a month now and I still can’t make myself see it as a good thing. I’m too busy worrying about money and my job and how much weight I’m putting on to think positive thoughts about our baby. If that doesn’t make me a self-centred idiot then what does it make me?”

“Human.” Chanyeol told him without stopping to think about it. “And you’re not the only one who’s worrying about that stuff. I am too.” He paused and gave it a little more thought. “Well I'm not really worried about you getting fat, I'm mostly worried about the money to be honest. But it’s fine, by the time the baby’s here I’m sure we’ll have something worked out.”

Baekhyun blinked up at him in open disbelief. “You think I’m fat?” As the soon as the words were out of his mouth he felt stupid for saying them but it was something he’d been thinking about a lot lately. He was going to keep putting on weight, he was going to get bigger and bigger and Chanyeol was going to be less and less attracted to him and then what? He’d start looking at other people, that was what was going to happen and he was quickly going to realise he’d made a mistake. There were plenty of people out there who he'd be a whole lot happier with. ‘Sorry, things just aren’t working out’ would follow soon after and Baekhyun would end up back at his parents’ house wallowing in self-pity as he listened to them tell him ‘I told you so.’

“What? Do I think you’re… no!” Chanyeol spluttered, his expression slightly panicked. “That’s not what I meant. I meant that you putting on weight because of the baby isn’t something I think about.”

“Well maybe you should start thinking about it.” Baekhyun suggested. “Because I’m going to get huge, I know I am. Pregnancy is not going to suit me, I’m not going to be one of those people with a cute little bump.  I’m going to end up with a belly out to here” he told him, sticking a hand out to demonstrate, "there’s no way I’m not, not when I’m starting to show already. Before you know it I’m going to be waddling and I won’t be able to tie my own shoelaces anymore and you’re going to think I look…”

“Perfect.” Chanyeol finished for him and he sounded completely serious. “Because every time I look at you I’m going to be reminded that you’re carrying our baby and that's amazing.”

“That might be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard.” Baekhyun told him with a sniff, trying hard not to let him know how reassuring it was to hear him say those words even if he didn’t believe them.

“It’s true though. I know we didn’t plan this, and yes sometimes I wish it wasn’t happening so soon, that we had more money, that we’d been together a little longer, that we weren't renting but had our own place but it is, it’s amazing. That’s our baby you’ve got in there.” He said, his eyes flicking to Baekhyun's middle and his mouth quirking up in a smile as it always did whenever someone brought up the fact he was going to be a father soon.

Feeling self-conscious under Chanyeol's gaze Baekhyun chewed at his bottom lip, his hand straying to hover over the bump hidden beneath his sweatshirt. The thought that there was a tiny person growing in there, well it was weird and it still made him feel a kind of uncomfortable but he had to admit that Chanyeol had a point. The fact that between them they’d essentially created a brand new life was amazing, there was no other way to describe it. “I just wish I could be as happy about it as you are.” He said, his voice trembling slightly as he fought to hold back the tears that were once again threatening to fall. There was a lump building in his throat too. He tried to ignore it. “I should be trying harder to look on the bright side but I don’t know how. I’m going to be the worst parent ever.”

Chanyeol sighed and let go of Baekhyun’s hand, lifting his arm and gesturing for him to come closer. Baekhyun immediately complied, ducking under his arm and shuffling as close to him as it was possible to get. Chanyeol wrapped his arm around him and pulled him against his chest, his chin going to rest on top of his head. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself.” He said softly.

Baekhyun gave an unintelligible hum in response. ‘That’s easier said than done’ was what he wanted to say but trying not to cry was really exhausting and despite the lack of padding Chanyeol was really quite comfortable. He was warm too, and the rise and fall of his chest and the faint thud of his heartbeat were hypnotically soothing. When you put all those things together it was no wonder really that all he could think about was fallng asleep.

Not knowing if it was a hum of agreement or a hum of dissent Chanyeol kept talking. “You’re going to be great. You’re going to love our baby more than anything and our baby is going to totally adore you. You’re going to end up the favourite parent and I'll be ridiculously jealous. And I’m not going to let you give up on singing. You’re far too talented. As soon as you’re ready I’m going to be pushing you back out there whether you like it or not.”

Baekhyun hummed again and closed his eyes, wriggling slightly as he made himself more comfortable. “If you say so.” He mumbled into Chanyeol’s shirt. He wanted to argue but he was having trouble thinking up the right words.

“I do.” Chanyeol assured him before lapsing into silence. “Do you want me to turn the light out?” He asked after a minute or two.

“No.” Baekhyun told him, blinking his eyes open with a yawn. He tilted his head slightly so he could look up at his boyfriend properly and frowned. “I’d have to move so you could move. I'd rather just sit like this for a while."

“We can do that.” Chanyeol nodded and Baekhyun sighed, his eyes slipping closed. He still felt guilty, he still thought he was a horrible person, he still had a thousand and one other worries but with Chanyeol’s arm around him it was a lot easier for him to push all of that to the back of his mind.

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

AN: Baekyeol for parkbyun. I'm not sure if this is really what you were looking for but here you go.

I'm sorry this took so long. My mum was here last week and I couldn't really say 'sorry, gotta go write some mpreg' and leave her to it. And then Monday I got some bad news so yeah... this took me a while and I'm not sure it's my best but I hope you like it anyway.

Here's the list:

Krisoo for horadoribabe
Xiuyeol for MidnightMaurader
Kaisoo for xNurulx
Hunhan for anncherry
Sekai for xhigoodbye
Suchan for kookiehs
Krisyeol for Alluma
Suchen for Justanotherfic
Taohun for ILuvSkyDragon
Krishan for Doyoureallynotseeme
Chankai for VanillaHeaven
Chanxing for soft-kitty
Krisbaek for Rosasaur
Baekchen for kitten83
Krisho for suddon
Xiuhun for XxAngieexX
ing for jang-yehheung
Hanho for resurrection
Xiukris for weepywillow