It had been a really tiring day, mentally more so than physically and all Jongin wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball and sleep for a very long time. His sister had started it. “I don’t mind you staying” she’d said to him that morning which had been nice to hear but then it had been followed up with “But you need to think about what you’re going to do.” It wasn’t the first time she’d said it but it had made Jongin feel anxious all the same because he knew what she meant. She meant he couldn’t sleep on her couch forever, not when she had a family of her own to take care of. He had to fix things with his parents and move back home or find a job and look for a place of his own and the thought of doing either of those things terrified him. Talking to his parents would mean facing their disappointment all over again, something he didn’t feel up to. Finding a job would mean there was a chance he’d have to drop out of school. Quitting really wasn’t something he wanted to think about, not when he’d worked so hard to get accepted in the first place.

That had been the second stressful thing of the day, school. He’d had to ask permission to leave class early and it had been horrible. His tutor knew his situation but that didn’t mean he was any less peeved. With so much on his mind Jongin was already falling behind as it was so he wasn’t exactly the man’s favourite student. Jongin knew he shouldn’t let that bother him, it didn’t matter what his opinion of him was, not when the man barely knew him but he couldn’t help it. It did bother him. It was one more person’s disappointment he had to deal with and that was frustrating. He’d always tried his best to be a good son, to be a good student and all it had taken for people to forget that was for him to make one stupid mistake. Just one. It wasn’t fair.

And then had come the part of the day that had well and truly knocked him for six. His hospital appointment. He’d known what was coming, that he was going to have an ultrasound, that he was going to see his baby for the first time but he hadn’t been prepared for how overwhelming it would be. He hadn’t been able to make out much at first but then the technician had calmly explained to him what he was looking at. There was the head, the spine, his baby’s arms, his baby’s legs. He was looking at a tiny little person he realised with amazement and then the technician told him his baby could curl her toes and fingers now and his query of ‘Really?’ had been almost a whisper. He’d known for weeks that he was pregnant, it was something that never really left his mind but he’d been so busy worrying about the short-term, about his parents, about school that he hadn’t had time to think about the fact that there was going to be a baby at the end of it all. But there was, and he was looking at that baby move around on the screen in front of him. Move around. If she was moving around on the screen that meant she was awake and moving around inside of him. It was something he couldn’t quite get his head around.

And that was when the panic had started to set in. There was a tiny person growing inside of him, a tiny person he would soon be solely responsible for. No, that he was already responsible for. They were relying on him to stay healthy so they could stay healthy and he was doing a crappy enough job of doing just that. His midwife had been telling him from day one that he wasn’t putting on enough weight, she was constantly scolding him and telling him to eat better. He was already a failure as a parent and the baby wasn’t even here yet. Soon he or she would be though and they’d be relying on him to do a lot more than eat properly. He’d be in charge of feeding her, clothing her, keeping a roof over her head. How was he going to do all of that? He didn’t think he could, not on his own and if you didn’t count his sister then that’s what he was, he was on his own.

It was all he could think about as he walked down the corridor towards the exit, his ultrasound picture clutched tightly in his hand which was probably why he didn’t notice the person coming towards him until they’d already spotted him.

“Jongin!” The person called brightly and Jongin froze. It was a ridiculous thing to do, staying still made him the opposite of invisible and right then invisible was very much what he wanted to be but by the time he realised he’d made a mistake, that he should have kept walking and pretended not to hear it was already too late.

“Jongin!” The voice called again and he looked up to see Park Yura coming towards him, a smile on her face. “It is you! It feels like forever since I saw you last. When was it? Two, three months ago?”

“Something like that.” Jongin said with a nod. He and Chanyeol had been at her house for dinner and she’d been showing off her first scan picture. Thinking back on it she hadn’t looked pregnant back then, not at all. But she did now, it really hadn't been that long ago but the fact she was carrying a baby was now impossible to miss. That was going to be him soon he realised, give it another month or two and he wouldn’t be able to hide it any more either. It was one more alarming thought to add to the multitude already swirling around in his head. “It’s really nice to see you Noona.” He mumbled, trying to push all those thoughts to the back of his mind and doing his best to conjure up a smile for her. “But I really have to go so…” He gestured towards the door and made to start moving but he didn’t get very far.

“Jongin, are you okay?”

Maybe attempting a smile when he felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack wasn’t the best thing he could have done. “I’m fine.” He tried to reassure her, partly because he didn’t want her to worry but mostly because he needed to get out of there before he broke down and said something he shouldn’t. He’d known Yura for a very long time and she’d always been one of his favourite people. She’d always been kind to him, always looked out for him, she’d always been someone he could turn to if he needed help. She was almost a sister to him. But while help was admittedly something he could do with it wasn’t something he could ask her for. Because she wasn’t his sister, not really, she was Chanyeol’s. And Chanyeol was the last person he wanted news of his pregnancy to get back to. He knew he needed to tell him but he wasn’t ready to share the news with him, not yet. So he rushed out a “Sorry, I really have to…” and took another step forward.

Again he didn’t get very far. “Hey, Jongin. It’s okay.” She told him, a hand on his arm this time bringing him to a halt. “I’m not going to run my mouth. If you and your girlfriend haven’t started telling people yet then I can keep it to myself.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Jongin told her, the denial automatic.

“You don’t?” Yura asked looking genuinely confused. “I thought you were dating that girl, the one Chanyeol says you hang around with all the time, Jin something or other…”

“Jinri?” It was the only person he could think of that she might mean but she definitely wasn’t his girlfriend. “We don’t hang out all the time.” He corrected her. “My sister knows her brother and we catch the same bus to school, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Yura said, slightly surprised by his answer. “So you’re not here with your girlfriend then?”

“No, I’m not here with anybody.”

“Oh.” Yura said again and it was only then Jongin realised he’d made a big mistake. He’d as good as admitted that he was there on his own and if he was there on his own that meant… and yes, Yura’s gaze flickered to the picture clutched in his hand and then to the hooded sweatshirt he was wearing despite the warm weather and her eyes widened. “Oh… you mean you’re…”

Jongin didn’t know what to say to fix things so he didn’t say anything at all

“Sorry, I didn’t know.” Yura said. She still looked kind of confused and Jongin didn’t blame her. He usually told Chanyeol everything and Chanyeol was the absolute worst when it came to keeping things from his sister. And yes the next thing Yura said was ‘Chanyeol didn’t tell me.’

And Jongin was about to tell her that was because he didn’t know but he didn’t get to because before he could open his mouth to do so they were interrupted.

“Sorry I’m late, there were road works and I… Jongin?”

Jongin looked up, his throat suddenly dry, his heart jumping to his throat. Why did it have to be him? Why was her brother picking her up? She had a husband. Why couldn’t it have been her husband? Because if talking to Yura had him feeling nervous it was nothing compared to how he was feeling now. The hand clutching his ultrasound picture felt suddenly clammy and his legs felt like jelly. Chanyeol couldn’t know, not yet, not here. He was going to tell him, eventually but it couldn’t be like this. He hadn’t come up with much of a plan but whenever he’d thought about it he’d pictured sitting down with Chanyeol somewhere quiet, his sister not very far away so she could call her in if he needed help. He definitely hadn’t pictured it happening in the middle of a hospital corridor, a crowded waiting room behind them full of people ready to witness what was more than likely going to turn into a scene.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Yura was saying now and Jongin knew if he didn’t want that scene to happen he needed to get out of there as soon as possible but his legs just weren’t cooperating.

“Say anything about what?”

“Say anything about Jongin being pregnant. I wouldn’t have told anyone.”

Jongin resisted the urge to screw his eyes shut. Just because he wouldn’t be able to see Chanyeol anymore didn’t mean Chanyeol wouldn’t be able to see him.

“Jongin isn’t pregnant.” Chanyeol told his sister, his brow furrowing in confusion.

“Wait… he didn’t tell you?” Yura asked, her tone incredulous.

Chanyeol’s frown only deepened. “No, he didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me because he isn’t pregnant.” He turned to Jongin obviously looking for him to back him up.

Unfortunately for Chanyeol that wasn’t something Jongin could do.

“He’s not.” Chanyeol repeated when he didn’t get an answer, his eyes still fixed on Jongin. “Tell her you’re not.”

Jongin studied his shoe laces carefully.

“You are.” Chanyeol breathed, his voice so quiet Jongin almost didn’t hear him.

Jongin scuffed his shoe across the floor, eyes still downcast.

“Oh my god, you are.” Chanyeol said, voice getting louder. “You’re pregnant.”

“Maybe.” Jongin managed to mumble. It was a ridiculous thing to say, there was no maybe about it but it was the best he could do in the circumstances. He was so busy trying to keep from hyperventilating it was a wonder he’d managed to give Chanyeol an answer at all.

“How many weeks?” Chanyeol did not sound happy in the slightest, it was less a question and more a demand.

“Twelve.” Jongin told him. He could feel a lump forming in his throat. If he wasn’t careful he was going to start bawling and he didn’t think that would do him any favours. Yura would probably feel sorry for him, at least at first, but once she found out why he’d been keeping his pregnancy a secret from her brother he was sure any sympathy she might have for him would quickly vanish.

“Twelve.” Chanyeol repeated and Jongin didn’t have to look at him to know he was staring into space, a faraway look in his eyes as he worked the dates out in his head. And yes, he’d soon worked it out. “Please tell me you’re joking.” He bit out.

“Chanyeol, be nice.” Yura told him, a hand going to his arm. She seemed surprised by her brother’s reaction and Jongin understood why. Chanyeol was the kind of person who took everything in his stride, and he definitely wasn’t taking this in his stride.

“I am being nice.” Chanyeol told her.

Jongin looked up to see the glare Chanyeol was sending his way and immediately looked back down at the floor. Yeah, he was sure there were plenty of other things Chanyeol wanted to be saying to him right that second, he was practically seething so he was glad all that had been said so far was ‘please tell me you’re joking’. It could have been a whole lot worse. It still could get a whole lot worse, he just didn’t know how to fix things before Chanyeol blew up completely.

“He’s just a little hurt because he wasn’t one of the first to know.” Yura reasoned, obviously trying to smooth things over. “Why didn’t you tell him sooner? It might have been good for you to have someone to talk to.”

Chanyeol was speaking up before Jongin had a chance to. “I already know why.”

“You do?”

“He didn’t tell me because it’s mine.”

Jongin’s eyes were watering now, tears threatening to spill. He was going to cry he realised, there was no way he wasn’t. And crying in front of Chanyeol wasn’t something he wanted to do, not when he knew he was the one in the wrong. It wouldn’t be fair. So he did what he should have done in the first place, he pushed past Chanyeol and he made for the exit.

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

It had only taken half an hour but it had seemed like the longest bus ride of Jongin’s life. As much as he’d tried to he hadn’t been able to keep the tears at bay so he’d spent the whole journey sniffling to himself in the corner. One kind older woman had spotted him and asked him if he was okay and he’d found himself nodding his head as he tried to stop himself from crying harder. It had been horrible. And he knew he was being overdramatic, he did. He knew he wouldn’t be having a meltdown on public transport if he’d just manned up and talked to Chanyeol about his pregnancy sooner. But he couldn’t help it. The more he told himself he was being an idiot the more upset he got.

But at least crying on the bus meant that by the time he got home he’d pretty much cried himself out. It meant he’d been able to show his ultrasound picture to his sister without breaking down in front of her and he was glad of that, he’d broken down in front of her enough over the last month or so already, it wouldn’t be fair to do it again. And anyway, she had a dance class to take his niece to, she didn’t have time to hug and comfort him.

And he was glad of that too, she’d be at Jina’s dance class, her husband wouldn’t be home from work for another couple of hours either, he’d have the house to himself.  He could curl up on the couch under a blanket and feel sorry for himself in peace.

He’d only been under the blanket fifteen minutes when there was a knock at the door.

With a sigh he got to his feet and headed to answer it. His sister had probably forgotten Jina’s tap shoes again and couldn’t be bothered fishing her keys out of her bag. He swung the door open.

It wasn’t his sister.

“Chanyeol…” was all the welcome he could manage. Was he still mad at him? Should he close the door? The last thing he wanted was Chanyeol to start yelling at him. But he didn’t look all that mad he realised as he studied his expression. If anything he looked kind of sad.

“I went to your parents’ house, they told me it’s been weeks since you moved out… I didn’t… I didn’t know you’d… why didn’t I know that? We used to talk every day.” He sounded sad too.

“I know,” Jongin said because they had. If they didn’t see each other in person then they’d call each other, text each other but since the party, since they’d… well he could count the amount of times he’d exchanged words with Chanyeol on one hand. “I’m sorry.” With Chanyeol looking at him those wide dejected eyes it was all he could think of to say. He'd expected angry, sad had thrown him completely.

Chanyeol didn’t acknowledge the apology, maybe it wasn’t what he’d been looking for. “When you started avoiding me I thought it was because you felt awkward, so I let you. I thought you’d come around in your own time. I should have realised when it went on for so long it was more than that.”

That was what it had been at first Jongin had to admit, he’d been short with Chanyeol because he felt awkward, embarrassed. There’d been alcohol and laughter and more alcohol and somehow he’d found himself kissing his best friend, his best friend kissing him back. If things had stopped there it would have been embarrassing enough but they hadn’t, no it had ended up with him waking up in a bed that wasn’t his, hungover and sore, Chanyeol snoring beside him. Mortification had swiftly rolled over him. He’d risked ruining their friendship for what? Drunken that both of them would barely remember? He’d gotten out of there as fast as he could.

He’d thought he’d give it a couple of days and then talk to Chanyeol about it. It would be easier then, the embarrassment might have worn off a little. But he’d kept putting it off and putting it off until a couple of days had turned into a couple of weeks. And then he’d started waking up queasy. He’d tried to brush it off as a stomach bug or stress but it hadn’t gone away, it had just gotten worse to the point where not only did he feel sick all the time he was being sick all the time and he’d had to stop lying to himself. And what was he supposed to do then? Walk up to Chanyeol, ‘Hey I know we haven’t talked in what seems like forever but I just wanted to say congratulations, you’re going to be a father.’ No, that wouldn’t have gone well.

Not that the conversation they’d ended up having had gone spectacularly.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re not mad at me.” He told Chanyeol, remembering the way Chanyeol had been glowering at him back at the hospital. Yeah that conversation really hadn't gone well at all.  “I’d be mad at me too.”

Chanyeol shook his head. “I’m not mad at you. I mean I was, a little. But then I talked to Yura and, well she pointed out how scared you must have been when you found out and how hard it must have been for you and I couldn't keep it up.”

Oh. “You’re really not mad?”

“No, I’m not. I just… I don’t know why you couldn’t tell me sooner. I could have helped. I would have helped.”

Yes, he probably would have done his best to Jongin thought. Chanyeol had always been too nice for his own good, even if he wasn’t happy about the baby he wouldn’t have turned his back on them. That was one of the reasons he'd been so worried about telling him. He didn’t want Chanyeol to feel obligated, he didn't want to drag him down. “I know.” Jongin told him. “But you don’t have to be involved. You don’t have to ruin your life because of me. It’s not like you owe me anything.” It was something he’d decided almost as soon as he’d found out he was pregnant, he was going to give Chanyeol the option to save himself from the trouble this would cause him. There was no point in the two of them messing up their lives, not if they didn’t have to. And whenever he’d thought about telling him that he’d imagined Chanyeol would be relieved to hear it.

Only he didn’t look as if he felt relieved. Instead he looked hurt. “What do you mean I don’t owe you anything?”

“I mean it’s not like we were ever a couple.” Jongin explained. “It was one time, it was an accident. I was always going to tell you, but only because I thought you had the right to know. I don’t expect anything from you.”

Chanyeol didn’t look any happier now that he had an explanation. “We weren’t a couple.” He agreed, voice quiet. “But I thought we were friends.”

Jongin felt his stomach lurch at that. Of course they were friends. They’d been friends for as long as he could remember, how could Chanyeol say that, think that even? “We were… we are…” he stuttered. That was the reason he he’d found it so hard to tell him, Chanyeol was one of his best friends and he hadn’t wanted to lose that.

“If that’s true then I do owe you.” Chanyeol said, sounding ever so sincere. “We grew up together. We’ve always looked out for each other. Why would I stop looking out for you now?”

Jongin wasn’t sure how to argue with that because Chanyeol had a point. That’s what friends did, they supported each other. But this wasn’t the same as all those times before. He wasn’t asking Chanyeol to help settle his nerves before an exam or expecting him to stick up for him in an argument, it was bigger than that. It was a lifelong commitment he was asking for and he had no right. “I just think you should think about it.” Jongin told him. “It’s a big thing, having a baby, looking after a baby and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be involved if it's something you're not ready for.”

“Is it something you're ready for?” Chanyeol asked him.

It took a few seconds for that question to sink in and when it did it took another few seconds for him to come up with an answer because he could feel the panic from earlier start rising in his chest again. “No.” He finally managed, his throat dry again his voice hoarse. He wasn’t ready, not at all. “But I don’t have a choice so…”

“If you don’t have a choice then neither do I. It’s my baby too.” Chanyeol insisted, refusing to back down. “And even if it wasn’t I’m your friend, when you need help I’m supposed to be there for you. I’m not going to make you do this on your own.”

Jongin wasn’t backing down either. “If you did I wouldn’t hate you.” He told him because maybe that was it. Maybe Chanyeol thought if he took him up on his offer he’d think badly of him. Chanyeol was very much a people pleaser, being thought badly off wasn’t something he handled very well. “And if you’re worried I wouldn’t cope on my own well I would.” He would because he’d have to.

Chanyeol huffed, ran a hand through his hair, shook his head. He was obviously frustrated and Jongin felt himself back up a step as his eyes drifted once again to the floor. The last thing he’d wanted to do was make Chanyeol mad for a second time but maybe that was a good thing. A mad Chanyeol was definitely better than a disappointed Chanyeol and if he did get mad, properly mad then Jongin would have a reason to close the door and end the conversation. The sooner he did that the better, there was a lump in his throat again, tears in his eyes. He’d managed to keep from crying in front of him earlier and he didn’t want the effort he’d made to do so to go to waste.

“Jongin…” Chanyeol said and he sounded as frustrated as he looked. “Jongin look at me.”

Jongin shook his head.

But it seemed Chanyeol wasn’t prepared to take no for an answer. “Look at me.” He demanded a second time, and taking Jongin’s chin in his hand he tilted his head up in a bid to make him make eye contact.

And when Jongin finally gave in and let his eyes meet Chanyeol’s he wanted to cry all the more because while Chanyeol still looked determined he didn’t look annoyed anymore, no the sadness from earlier was back instead. “If it was the other way around….” Chanyeol said slowly, dropping his hand now that he’d finally managed to get the eye contact he’d been after “… if I was the one who was pregnant would you leave me to cope on my own?”

Jongin sniffed and shook his head. No, he wouldn’t. He couldn’t do that to Chanyeol, Chanyeol was his best friend and… and okay he could kind of see where he was coming from now.

Chanyeol nodded, satisfied. “That’s what I thought. And I would never do that to you either.”

“Chanyeol I…” Jongin said, the words a croak as he tried to get a hold of himself. He wanted to say that he hadn’t meant to keep it from Chanyeol for so long, he wanted to say he shouldn’t have doubted him and that he was sorry but his brain and his mouth just weren’t cooperating.

“It’s okay.” Chanyeol said, as if he knew exactly what was going through his head. And he gave a small smile.

It was the first time in months he’d seen Chanyeol smile Jongin realised and as he came to that realisation it hit him, he'd missed Chanyeol, he'd missed him terribly. And that was it, he couldn’t hold the tears back any more, he was crying, again. All he seemed to do lately was cry he thought as he mumbled “I’m okay” and tried to wave Chanyeol away. It was hormones his sister kept telling him, she’d been just as bad when she was pregnant with Jina and she hadn’t even had anything to cry about. It was still embarrassing though, even if it was his hormones that were to blame.

“Hormones huh?” Chanyeol guessed.

And yes he’d just been thinking the same thing but that didn’t mean Jongin didn’t want to kick him for it. “Shut up.” He settled for mumbling instead as he rubbed at his eyes. If he kicked him Chanyeol would probably just laugh at him anyway.

“Come here.” Chanyeol told him and he pulled him into a hug. “Everything’s going to be okay, you know that right?” He said as Jongin gave in, letting Chanyeol wrap his arms more securely round him. It had been a long time since Chanyeol had hugged him like that, it had been a long time since he'd needed him to but it felt right. It made him feel safe. That was probably the his hormones talking again he thought with a sigh.

Chanyeol continued to reassure him, his breath warm on his neck. “We might not be a couple and this might have been an accident but when you think about it that doesn’t really matter. We’re friends and we always will be. That’s more than a lot of kids can say about their parents.”

And Jongin supposed he was right. There were plenty of kids out there who grew up knowing that their parents couldn’t stand each other and feeling they were to blame, that couldn’t be easy. At least his baby, no their baby would never have to worry about that.

~~~~~~~~~

Chankai for VanillaHeaven.
This took FOREVER and I'm really sorry. I lost this story halfway through twice and had to start over, add to that real life and yeah. But here it is. I hope some people are still happy to read it.

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