It was almost 09.37 PM. Upon noticing that, Kim Jongin fastened his heavy steps; heading towards Suho’s apartment as he tightened his grasp on his fur coat. It has been three days since he and his other friends met the older guy. It has been three days since Suho suddenly disappeared from them without saying anything. No phone calls or text messages, in fact, Suho even turned off his phone all the time and that makes things even difficult for them to contact him. All of them were completely worried with his sudden disappearance especially Kyungsoo, since the next club meeting will be held in two days from now. None of them seemed to be able to visit Suho's house, most of them were too busy with their students’ life.

So, Jongin had no other choices. It was quite upsetting for him to listen to his friends ranting about Suho. Whenever they gathered for lunch, all he wants is just peaceful moments to fill up his empty stomach. Baekhyun was the most annoying of all; he kept asking Jongin to look for Suho because according to his logic, Jongin is the only one without any busy schedules, unlike the rest of them. He hates to admit it actually but it was indeed true. So, here he was, standing right in front of Suho’s doorsteps anxiously. The door’s bell was rang twice, but no response were heard from inside. Jongin snorted as he tried to knock the door but nothing change.

“Suho hyung! Hyung!” Jongin shouted; already giving up on knocking the door and ringing the bell.

 Standing stiffly in front of the door, Jongin took out his cellphone from his pocket, attempting to call Suho but another disappointment greets him right after. Now, he was wondering if he should just leave and come back later. Suho might not be here, most probably he was at his parents’ house, he assumed. He took a few steps ahead, grabbing the locked doorknob before he backed off. Sighing heavily, Jongin began to walk away from the apartment but a sudden squeaky noise was heard; making him turned back to the door at the speed of light. The door was finally opened from inside, he barely noticed that. Jongin hastily pry the door wide open as he barged into the unit without any further thoughts, making Suho, who was standing wobbly behind the door almost fall on his back. Luckily, Jongin managed to grab his hand and helped him stand properly.

“Hyung, where have you been?! Seriously, why did you turned off your phone? Are you ditching your classes? Don’t you want to graduate next year? Ahh...Baekhyun hyung really drives me crazy, he won’t stop complaining until I see you and bring you back to them!” He headed straight to the couch and sat comfortably, ignoring Suho’s vacant stare towards him.

Suho just silently closed the door before he sat at an empty spot right next to the younger guy, still refusing to answer any of his questions. Jongin eyes were wildly touring all over the living room before his gaze landed on a coffee table right in front of him. His eyes widened in shock, as his eyes were repeatedly staring at the haggard looking Suho and the table a few times.

“Hyun-hyung…did you drank all of these..? All? Alone?” He stuttered at his words, pointing his fingers towards the empty cans of beer all over the coffee table with his mouth wide agape. As far as he knows, Suho wasn’t a heavy drinker. He kept wondering if Suho actually silently hold a party at his apartment with Jongin and his other club members not knowing. But, he thinks about it again, Suho wasn’t a ‘party person’ either. He even hates crowd and noisy places. Jongin could still remember clearly when Suho kept turning them down whenever they asked him to join them to the club or some parties. So, what was that all about?

“Suho hyung, what happened to you? You look…awful!” Jongin exclaimed as he removed his fur coat and carefully putting it aside.

He couldn’t take off his eyes from Suho for even a second. He never sees this side of Suho ever since he met him on his first year at the university. The cool and neat looking Suho always came across his mind whenever the elder’s name was mentioned. It was the stereotype image of Suho that Jongin ever had in his mind since then. But, tonight Suho looked way too different than usual. It was only three days since he last saw him but his haggard look was further enhanced by his tired eyes that were shaking uncontrollably and his face that was a sickly pale color. Suho's cheekbones jutted out from his once rosy and perky cheeks but Suho still looked calm as ever. He didn’t even feel bothered with Jongin’s criticism.

“Since you’re here, come…drink with me.” He finally spoke, taking out two cans of beer hidden under the coffee table as he handed one of them to Jongin. At first, Jongin looked a bit troubled; doubting whether he should just grab the drink or refuse but he eventually did. He took a sip of the drink before grinning widely towards Suho.

“This isn’t my real intention to be here but I guess a can won’t hurt.” Jongin replied, taking another sip and turned around to face Suho. He thought Suho was enjoying the drink just like him but he wasn’t. Suho was just staring blankly at the can as his fingers kept circling around the can’s upper part. “Why aren’t you drinking, hyung?” Jongin asked, frowning at Suho’s act but that guy would rather choose to stay silent rather than answering.

Another few minutes passes without any conversation from both of them. No words were exchanged, but they spoke with their eyes. Jongin was most likely to wait for Suho to say something or at least explaining why he ditched his classes for three days already. He couldn’t help but to keep stealing glances towards the motionless Suho beside him.

“Jongin-ah…” Suho called out his name while his eyes were still fixed to the fully filled can of beer.

“Uh?” The younger raised his eyebrows, slightly curious.

“...have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up…” Suho chuckled softly, bringing chills to Jongin’s body.

“What’s with that sudden philosophic question? You are scaring me, hyung.” His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.  Jongin quickly replied, forcing a plain smile as he stared at Suho with his eyes slightly widened as if he was a ghost.

“Love is a strange thing. It can make the weakest person strong. The strongest person weak. The fearful person courageous. The courageous person fear. And yet, there are no words that can truly describe the feeling of love. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have her in your arms. It is even more hurtful realizing she meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him. Isn’t it, Jongin?”

“Hyung, are you drunk-”

“You’re right, Kim Jongin.” He cut him off.

“Huh? What is?” Jongin looked at him confusedly for a second time while Suho just smiled at him with unreadable expression before he replied.

“I should have listened to your words in the first place.”

“Hyung! What are you even talking about though? I don’t understand a thing. You’ll attend your classes tomorrow, right? Ah, please say yes!”

“…that notebook, I should have thrown it away instead of insisting to return it to her.”

“Ahh…you mean that notebook from before? But things are going smoothly between you and her, aren’t you? Both of you are dating each other for months already. So, I am relieved that you didn’t listen to me before. Thanks to your stubbornness and your extreme kindness too.” A smirk was form on his bright face.

“If only our life would be that easy, I wouldn’t be in this state right now. I just realized I didn’t live in fairytales where happy ending will always awaits for you at the end of the story no matter how misery your life is at the beginning,” Suho muttered coldly, grinding his teeth. He slowly crushed the can in his grasp before throwing it to the floor, making the floor soaking wet. Seeing how furious Suho was right now, Jongin eventually came up with something realistic and make sense with Suho’s current state.

“You broke up with her, didn’t you…?” He carefully asked only to get a poisonous glare from Suho. So, Jongin took Suho’s reaction as a yes. “Look, hyung…even though I don’t know what exactly had happened between both of you, I think you should just follow your heart and-”

“If your heart is in a million pieces which piece do you follow?!” Suho scowled.

“Well, you can't have heartbreak without love," Jongin rolled his eyes as he pointed out. "If your heart was really broken into million pieces, then at least you know you really loved her.” He chuckled, thinking Suho was just kidding with his words.

“What goes around comes around. That's how it works.”

 “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m going to get revenge on her for breaking my heart!” Suho said, although there's an edge of doubt in his voice.

“That doesn’t sound like you, hyung. Revenge doesn’t suit Kim Suho at all.” He laughed nervously.

“I will hurt her for this. I don't know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when she thinks herself safe and happy, and suddenly her joy will turn to ashes in , and I'll know the debt is paid!” Suho said determinedly. His world is a million shattered pieces put together, glued by his tears, where each piece is nothing but a reflection of her. Only her. His heart no longer felt as if it belonged to him. It now felt as it had been stolen, torn from his chest by someone who wanted no part of it.

Jongin turned away, the muscles in his neck tensing. He sighed heavily, finally realizing that Suho wasn’t actually kidding. “Hyung…” Jongin was hesitated; know that if he stopped now, he'd never be able to say it to Suho. So, he continued. “Above all, don't lie to yourself, hyung. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love. I don’t think you have the heart to get revenge on her when you obviously love her as heck!”

“What do you know, Jongin? You didn’t feel how painful this is! She put me through hell for weeks on purpose and made me suffer. And when I thought there’s no end in sight…she made up her mind, putting an end to everything between us as if I mean nothing to her at all! I feel like a , Kim Jongin!” Suho yelled in frustration as he stood up.

His gaze were burning, he could feel a sudden raise of blood pressure across his worn out brain. He had been sleeping and drinking too much for the past three days. In fact, he didn't want to wake up at all. He was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare. He didn’t wakes up from a nightmare, but he woke up into a nightmare. He really did love her, but a million words wouldn't bring Yoonmi back. He knows because he had tried. Neither would a million tears. He knows because he had cried.

“God made you a masterpiece, hyung. Stop treating yourself like a shattered piece or . If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you're allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind. If you really want to get revenge on her, then show her that your life is better after she’s gone. Show her that you’re strong enough to move on and forget her! Even it's hard, you have to let go because if you keep holding on you wouldn't know what's waiting for you out there.”

“I don't want to. Do you know what letting go means? Giving up? Admitting failure? Admitting that it is really, truly over? What about me? What about the love that I gave her? What about the trust that I gave her?” He closed his eyes for seconds before reopening his eyes with blurry sight. What revenge was he thinking about, anyway? He even doubts himself when he suddenly thought about revenging on Yoonmi. He was just speaking out his mind without biting his tongue. He stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, he heard his heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.

“Don't think the one you love the most won't hurt you, in fact they might just hurt you worse than anybody else ever could. Hyung…please, don't waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. If she’s really meant to be with you, she’ll come back to your side. Sooner or later, it will happen. If she’s not the right one for you, just accept the fact that you and her will never be together, forever! Stop torturing yourself, stop torturing your heart. You can't be good enough for everybody, but you will always be the best for the one who deserves you.”  Jongin’s voice tightened. He never thought that he had the ability to say something meaningful and deep until today.

“I love her, Jongin. I really love her…” Jongin barely caught the whisper, and Suho's eyes closed again as he bowed his head. It was a broken sound, a man desperately grasping at the last thread of hope, as if he had been in the darkness for so long. And then, to Jongin great surprise, Suho begins to cry as pent-up loneliness, fear, and frustration was pouring out in an endless churn of his hot, silent tears. People change, and often, they become the person they said they will never be.