Suho frantically got off his bed when his barely open eyes caught a glimpse of the wall clock. He headed towards the bathroom to clean himself up before dressing up warmly.  After making sure that he looks good in a navy blue turtle neck sweater and white cotton pants, Suho drove his car towards the promised meeting place. He wasn’t that late actually. He was too excited and he anticipated the meeting, seeing as he hasn't been able to see his loved one, Jung Yoonmi for weeks. After he got a call from Yoonmi last night, there were many things running through his mind. He has been thinking about her a lot and that makes him wonder if she thinks of him half as much as he thinks of her. Even though he could sense the uneasiness in her tone, he didn’t want to think negatively. He just wanted to meet her and get back to where they were three weeks ago. He wanted to go back to the day before the meeting- the day both of them were still enjoying their sweet relationship.

A few moments later, Suho arrived at their meeting place, the park that they visited on their first date. He quickened his pace when his eyes landed Yoonmi’s figure. She was sitting silently on a wooden chair facing the lake on front of her. The lake was half-frozen, nothing much to be considered as something interesting to stare at but she kept looking far ahead to the lake with mixed feelings. She didn’t notice that Suho was already standing behind her for a few seconds already, staring at her with a genuine expression of love and care. A peach color knitted scarf was wrapped around her neck, keeping her warm. It was a scarf that Suho gifted to her months ago. Upon noticing that, Suho’s heart begin to flutter at the thought that his patience paid off. She still cared for him, nothing changed. He could feel that.

He took another few steps ahead, shortening the distance between them but still making sure that Yoonmi didn’t notice his presence. Slowly, Suho bent his body slightly, adjusting his height to the sitting Yoonmi before he reached out his hand and casually wrapped them around Yoonmi’s shoulder. Yoonmi was of course startled at the sudden act. She bit back a scream once she realized who it was, Suho, her ‘boyfriend’. Yoonmi quickly stood up and started to turn around, but he tugged her hand just enough for him to see her profile as she closed her eyes. She felt it as just as much as he did. There was an undeniable connection between them.

Suho pulled her into his arms and with one hand moved the stray strands away from her face. He pulled her face towards his, leaving their lips merely centimeters away. The warmth of her breath sliding against his own. But then, Yoonmi stepped away, stuttering awkwardly.

“You-you’re here.” Yoonmi said, slightly bowing towards Suho. Suho did the same.

He was disappointed with her sudden formalities but didn’t bother to bring that up again since it might ruin the mood. Suho brought himself closer to her while still maintaining a respectable distance seeing  a Yoonmi kept backing off, increasing the unnecessary distance between them. Suho tried not to look affected by her action. He grabbed her wrist gently, making her sit on the wooden chair before he took the empty spot right next to her still not breaking his grip on her wrist. Taking a deep breath, Suho turn to face her as an attempt to get a better look of her. Yoonmi, however, only looked down at her own feet. They were both sitting silently on the chair  making no effort to strike a conversation or  break away the awkward silence between them. It’d been three weeks since they’d been together. No matter how close they were physically, they were actually so far apart in every other way.

“I miss you.” He whispered almost soundlessly before turning around and cherishing her flushed cheeks with his icy cold fingers, resulting Yoonmi to get goosebumps. It was three simple words but it holds a deeper meaning. He missed her. He missed her smile. He missed holding her hand in his. He missed her laugh when she was nervous. He missed everything about her. His hand glides down her arm before he interlaced his fingers with hers, kissing her palms. She could feel the rapid thuds of his heart through this single touch. He was waiting for Yoonmi to say that she missed him too but she remained silent and motionless by his side.

“Yoonmi-ah…” He called out her name, trying to figure out what exactly had been bothering her so much and what exactly had brought back the strangers vibe between them. Yoonmi eventually looked at him, locking her eyes with his but merely for a few seconds.

“I-I…can’t do this anymore.” Yoonmi blurted out, already standing up hastily. Nervousness made her feel nauseous, almost like she had two hearts frantically beating in her chest, instead of one.

“Me too.”  He replied shortly.

“R-really?” Her expression brightened within seconds at the thought that Suho shared the same thought as her. This would make things, easier for Yoonmi and Suho in figuring this matter out.

“Yeah, I don’t think I can do this anymore…too. I don’t think I can face another day without being able to see you just like what I had to go through for the past three weeks. Let’s end this here, I mean…let’s get back to the happy us and bury this stormy periods of our relationship deep within our hearts. Let’s do that, shall we? That’s what you were trying to say too, right?” Suho stood up and grabbed both of her shoulders as he tried to wrap his arms around her once again, embracing her .Yoonmi stiffened.

“No, that’s not it…”

“Then, what is it? Talk to me, don’t leave me hanging like this, Yoonmi.” His voice tightened as he desperately seeked for an explanation from her. Suho began to feel anxious with her unexpected denial.

“We…” There’s a sudden paused between her words before she continued, “let-let’s…break up.” Yoonmi whispered helplessly, hoping that Suho would hear her even though her voice was almost inaudible even to herself. Her heart grew hard and weary. Pain spreads, and joy diminishes.

“What?!” His mind was racing wildly and he could felt his heart pounding fiercely in his chest. Suho’s sudden yet random imagination struck him at that moment, an imagination about walking away from something they had started, something they really believed would be good. Suho did not think he could ever do that.

“Break up…we…us…let’s break up.” Her words came out smoother and louder than before as she gained more strength and determination to say those painful phrases.

He slowly getting back to the wooden chair as he felt his feet gave away. He ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it with mixed feelings.

“So, it was all because of Jung Eunmi.” Suho snorted, letting out a soft chuckle that came across as being sarcastic. He looked away from her, trying to regain the self-control that he lost when he heard the words ‘break up’ from Yoonmi.

“Suho sshi..”

“No, this won’t do. Come with me!” Suho stood up frantically, eagerly grabbing her wrist as he literally tried to drag her to where he parked his car. Yoonmi refused causing his hold to tighten, emitting a painful yelp from her.

“Where are we going? Let me go, you’re hurting me! Please…”

“Let’s meet Eunmi and just tell her the truth, let her know everything about us, let her know what you mean to me and what I actually mean to you. Let’s just tell her the truth and end this lies! I can’t stand this anymore!”

“I can’t do that, you know we can’t do that…I have a promise that I need to fulfill...I can’t break the promise that I had made, I don’t want to live in guilt for the rest of my life if I ended up breaking my own promise…”

“...so all of that meant nothing? What about our promises to each other? The phone calls? The texts? The risks? Did you even care? Does it even mean anything to you?  Because it means everything to me…” He slowly loosened  his grip before letting go of her wrist completely.

“Of course it means something to me, it’s just…I don’t know anymore. This situation is a bit too much for me to handle! I want you. I want us to be together but-”

“I'm not saying you don't want me. I'm just saying you don't want me bad enough! I fought to keep your love; you didn't even fight to keep mine. That's the difference between you and me! It's killing me to know that I’ve done everything to keep us together when you didn’t even try…”

“Maybe we should accept the fact that we are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.” Her voice was shaking with a searing pain in her heart.

“No, don’t say that to me! We don't have to give up on our love simply because of how Eunmi feels for me. How could you just shove me away just because your twin sister likes me? Come on, wake up Yoonmi. Move on from your past, fight for your own happiness! Don’t do this to me, don’t do this to us!”

“My sister doesn’t only like you, she loves you! What I am supposed to do now? Ignoring her heartbroken feelings while I remain happy with the guy she loved? Is that what am I supposed to do? Is that what you’re expecting me to do? I can’t. I can’t do that! Yes, I am moving on from my bloody past, but moving on doesn’t mean I have to let go the promise that I made to myself, the promise of wanting to see my sister’s happiness no matter what it takes to make it happen. Please, I’m not doing this because I want it to; I’m stuck in between my feelings and my promise. I never thought we would end up liking the same guy…I never thought you could be the guy she’s actually falling for…” She said, holding her tears from flowing over her cheeks. Afterall, love sometimes comes like a dream and leaves like a nightmare.

“Why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you be selfish for once?” He asked in a calmer tone, half pleading but fully heartbroken.

“I-”

“Jung Yoonmi, you are everything I want. You have no idea how happy I've become since I met you. Now do me a favor and stay. I love you, whether it means something to you, or not.” His intense gaze softened when he caught Yoonmi’s teary eyes. It was the most unbearable moments for him, seeing her crying and not being able to hold her  because it wasn’t allowed. Yoonmi wouldn’t allow him to get to her any closer than they were now, he was sharply aware of that fact.

“I- I…love you too...but I can’t…I can’t-” Yoonmi finally confessed the blooming love towards him that she never had any courage to say out loud. Even though she never said those words directly to Suho. She knew that Suho was aware of her genuine feelings. But then, Suho interrupted her.

“Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind and play games with heads or hearts. I am not a mind reader but I can feel it when you are lying to me. Why do I have this feeling saying that you’re only using Eunmi as an excuse to break up with me?” Suho couldn’t help but doubt her honesty when she finally says those three words he had been waiting for her to say. He really wanted to hear those three words come out from her lips, but not when their relationship was at the edge of falling apart.

“Wh-what are you trying to say?”

“It was Xiumin, right? He’s the reason why you’re breaking up with me! Eunmi is just an excuse for you to escape from your guilt. I’ve been waiting for weeks and this is what I got?”

“No! Suho-sshi, please understand me. Xiumin Sunbae has nothing to do with this. I’ve been troubling him enough…it’s just me, me!” Yoonmi couldn’t contain her tears anymore. No matter how hard she tried to explain, things just won’t work  for her. She ended up shedding tears in the middle of the painful arguments. Tears are indeed  words the heart can't say.

“Then prove it! If you really love me, fight for this love! I hate seeing you being all weak like this, Yoonmi. Your love towards Eunmi have turned into a fatal weakness to you. Besides, what makes you think that I would go to Eunmi even if we’re no longer together?!” He blurted out before losing his nerve. 

“…you will, I know you will. I’m begging you…please…! You’re the only one she wants.” Yoonmi knew that her pleads woud only make her look  sadistic and pathetic but she couldn’t care enough. She kept telling herself that she’ll get over him real soon  and that her love towards him will drift away, hoping that someday she'll succeed in persuading herself to believe it.

“You’re killing me, Yoonmi.” For a moment they didn't move. They simply stared at each other. So much time had passed since their eyes last met. Words fail to describe what he felt anymore. He just let himself be numb for a while, letting himself free of any feelings.

“I’m sorry...I’m truly sorry…” was all she could say. She kept increasing distance between them. It's as if she has become a part of a different world, one that doesn't include him anymore. She looked around with a broken heart, and she wasn't sure who'd broken it. She thought it was herself, mostly.

“It's tearing me apart to know I've tried so hard but I can't have you. You know what? Loving you didn't make me a fool, thinking that you will love me back  was the thing that made me a fool.  I was foolish for ever thinking that you cared for me.” Suho shook his head disapprovingly, refusing to listen to her apologizes. Would 'sorry' have made any difference? Does it ever? It's just a word. One word against thousand actions. He knew it will never change anything especially for both of them.

Silence. Yoonmi didn’t even dare to look up and meeting his gaze.

“When you begin to miss me, don’t forget it was you who let me go.” He smiled before his expression darkened and his smile was replaced with a smirk, his disappointment had turned into anger and dissatisfaction. 

Suho wished that he had never met Yoonmi if  this is how their story would end. Then there would be no need to impress her, no need for loving her, no need for crying over her, no need for pain and tears. No need for forgotten promises, no need for rejected hugs. No need for acting like she cared. No need for everything she had done to make him feel like absolutely nothing.

She wasn’t sure what she was to him now. A stranger, mostly. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Her mind felt clearer now. Yoonmi began to accept the fact that Suho and herself will never be together the moment Suho walked away from her and never looked back. He'll, however, always be the one who causes butterflies to erupt in her stomach. She had no intention of denying it. Now, she was all done and alone. She shifts back her blurry gaze to the lake while her hand slowly made its way to  the knitted scarf wrapped around her neck. So it was really over for both of them. Goodbyes will always hurt. Memories good or bad will bring tears. Words can never replace feelings.

 

 

A/N:  New Year's day 2016 is almost here. So, happy New Year, everyone! May your mirror reflection charm you, may what others see in you enchant them, may somebody cherish you enough to forget your shortcomings, may be oblivious to your flaws and flaunt your virtues. May your New Year be filled with adoration, happiness, warmth, and cheer. Again, happy new year! :)