Hardships
My Boss is a (On Hiatus)Practices were getting harder and harder, and though I was talented, so was everybody else around me. The competition was insane, and I often came home so tired I could only pass out on my bed, still drenched from head to toes in my own sweat. It was a sign of my hard work, though, so I got up early every morning, and scrubbed away the sweat that had stuck on my skin, and whatever insecurities I was feeling due to all the extremely talented singers and dancers that trained with me. It was difficult, and I now understood Mi Sun's warning about sunbaes bullying others, because I'd seen it happen several times to the especially talented trainees. Because they were talented, it was like the sunbaes thought that they didn't work as hard as they did, and would get an easy way to fame, when that wasn't it at all. All around us, there were people who were incredibly talented and had trained for more than seven years, learning foreign languages to help their careers in the future, but still hadn't managed to debut.
The days became months, and by the time I realized it, the school year was over, and I had to practice even harder now that school was out. I hadn't seen Alyss in so long despite living with her, because she'd apparently joined a dance academy, and was creating her own style with her dancing, instead of simply copying other's dance moves, which was actually how she discovered how much she loved it. I was proud of her, but because I was always so busy that I couldn't spare a second to think about it, I could never be around her to congratulate her on her hard work. I also couldn't visit any of the guys, because they were full-fledged idols with busy schedules, and had even less free time than I did, now, because of all the holidays they had to make songs in preparation for, and all the events that were taking place around this family-oriented time, when all the kids were out of school and more and more concerts were going on.
I had no time to think about CNU anymore. It was okay, though, because some days, I would wake up to some texts from him and the guys from both B1A4 and SHINee. They were working hard, and wanted to catch up with me, to see how I was adapting to the trainee life. I always had to reply that I couldn't meet with them because of my schedules, and it was depressing. I hadn't seen any of my friends at all, except for the occasional times when I saw Sun Hee working hard into the hours of the night, or when I heard the shower going when I got home early from practices, which was very rare in itself.
My diet was incredibly unhealthy, consisting of fast food that I picked up on my way home, and the limited amount that I got for lunch at school. Young Min and Kwang Min were also incredibly busy, and it was only until then that I realized they had just debuted as idols. I couldn't even keep up with all the things going around me. Apparently, one of the senior trainees, who'd been training for like seven years, finally managed to debut with a group of eleven other boys, a couple of who I was only heard of and one other that I had actually seen, and were already incredibly popular. It pushed me, and made me realize that I had to work that much harder if I wanted to have a similar thing happen to me.
I wasn't even aware that my birthday had passed until about a week after, because I received a late email from a website I'd signed up for a long time ago congratulating me and wishing me a happy 17th birthday. Because of that, I realized I'd also missed Alyss's birthday, but later, when I asked her about it one day at 3 in the morning, she said she'd celebrated with her dance friends, sounding really sympathetic and understanding that I couldn't have made it anyway. I made an effort to remember everyone else's birthdays after that, but always found my schedules swamped with all kinds of practice, so all I managed to do was a send a text.
Even after the school year started, I remained incredibly busy. I managed to scrape by in exams and pass my classes, but never turned in the paper asking me what I wanted to study in the future and what universities I wanted to go to. I simply didn't have enough time right now for anything besides practice, so I accepted the fact that, unless I pursued a higher education after I debuted, I wouldn't be attending university.
I cried a lot during these times, my body pushed past limits that were there for a reason. I was in nearly excruciating pain, but I had to keep going, because otherwise, I would never be able to debut, and would become a person that had wasted her life away as a trainee. I had to debut, no matter what.
It was a struggle. My body was slowly changing, becoming even more thin, but also more muscular. I was nearly underweight,because I never had the time to take care of myself properly anymore. I had a limited time to eat, and if I didn't eat then, I wouldn't eat the whole day.
I gradually saw less and less of Kwang Min and Young Min, only noticing their absences when we had to get in groups of three for an assignment in class. I turned to their usual desks expectantly, but saw that they were empty. I turned around, looking for anyone that was free, but realized they were all unfamiliar faces. I hadn't even realized that I didn't have any friends in my class until then, forgetting that this was another school year and that the classmates had changed for the most part. I didn't know a single other person in this class, and everyone was looking at me nervously. I even heard someone whispering about not knowing who I was because I was nearly never there, or left early.
I felt like my world had stopped spinning then, but it hadn't. Time passed, and my time practicing took over all my focus. I nearly missed my own graduation because it'd become so drastic. I saw Alyss and Sun Hee there for the first time in a long time, and saw how different we all looked.
Alyss stood up straighter, more confident, and moved with such fluidity that I wondered if she was even really walking. She'd really grown into her body, and was so captivatingly beautiful now because of how comfortable she'd grown with herself that I nearly didn't recognize her.
Sun Hee was similar to me, having lost a lot of weight and looking exhausted, nearly on the brink of passing out.
Alyss was living her life the way she'd always wanted, but was this really what I wanted for myself?
After all this work, after these two years training my hardest to follow my dreams, I had missed so much. I'd missed any chances at making any friends in my classes, I'd missed any opportunities to go out and have fun, singing with friends. I'd missed the time to find a boyfriend. I'd missed each of my friends's birthdays, two years in a row. I'd missed my own 18th birthday.
I couldn't stay pessimistic, though, because if I started to think about how differently my life would have been, I would drown in it. The only thing I could do was walk to the company after my graduation and change into my practice clothes, ready to go at it once again.
This was what I signed up for. I couldn't give up, now or ever. I had to fight on, even if it was painful, even if it made me cry out in frustration when I saw other trainees that had been there for less time than I had debut.
I had to go after my dream, even if it meant that I did so with only the skin on my bones left.
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[A/N: My intentions were to abandon this, but then I re-read it and decided to write a little more. I don't know if I'll finish this or not, but I'll at least give you a bit more to read. I'll try to finish it, but I'm in college, and going through things, so yeah.]
As it appears, I'd written two additional chapters, but after those are posted, I do not intend to continue with this.
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