Bomi/Jr, 2.5k, slice of life, warning: mention of suicide

Eat - Zion.T

 

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It’s Monday morning, and Jinyoung is late.

 

His hands are, surprisingly, steady, and so does his breathing – even though he’s leaning forward on the railing of the crossing bridge, and it will be so easy to slip and fall to the traffic below. The probability of he’s not going to make it after the fall is pretty high. Jinyoung’s counting on that. 

 

All he can hear is the buzzing of the busy morning, of cars honking and passing by, of people shouting and yelling to their phone. It’s loud – too loud, sometimes. Today is that sometimes.

 

Jinyoung lifts his left foot, leaning even more forward on the edge. Just a little bit more—

 

He sees movement from the corner of his eyes and he stops, the sole of his shoes stepping back into the steel floor as he turns his head.

 

A few steps away from her stands a girl, wearing a dark blue coat and carrying a backpack, a simple hairpin’s keeping her fringe neat; a student. The uniform under her coat tells that she attends——the same school as Jinyoung. 

 

Jinyoung swallows, waiting for her to say something – because his intention should be clear, there’s no way he’s leaning that forward on the railing just because he wants to look at the view around and below.

 

But she keeps quiet, eyeing Jinyoung from her place. The wind plays with her long hair, and after some nerve-breaking seconds, she opens .  “… Are you going to jump?” she asks, passive and apathetic.

 

The question takes him off-guard. “S-So what if I am? It’s—It’s not your business,” Jinyoung asks back, stammering for some reasons. He didn’t wake up planning to jump from the crossing bridge on his way to the school, it just happened.

 

The girl doesn’t even blink her eyes when she says, “I never see someone commits suicide.”

 

Jinyoung is so taken aback with the answer, with the emptiness on her eyes when she said the words, with the lack of emotion there, that he ends up turning around, running as fast as he can without caring where he will end up at.

 

He just wants to stay away from her.

 

***

 

It’s Monday noon, and Jinyoung is surrounded by his friends.

 

“Yah this rascal, you should have told us if you want to skip morning classes!” Jaebum shouts, giving him a playful headlock. “Where did you go? Internet café? Game center? Aaah I want to play too!”

 

Jinyoung laughs, patting Jaebum’s arm around his neck and begs for mercy. Just laugh, just laugh, just laugh. This is easy. “Sorry, guys,” he says after Jaebum lets him go. “Suddenly, I don’t feel like coming to school, so… Anyway, Terminator is already playing, should we watch it this weekend?”

 

Just like that, the topic rolls away from him and into movies, Lee Byunghyun, into girl groups, Red Velvet’s Irene or APink’s Chorong, laughs in between and Jinyoung smiles along even though he doesn’t put his mind on the conversation. Remember to smile, smile, smile.

 

He’s Park Jinyoung – people say he’s quite the looker, he’s not struggling with his grades, and he has a lot of friends. It supposes to be easy. Nothing is supposes to be wrong in his life. But sometimes, sometimes it’s too—

 

A clattering sound from the middle of the canteen takes their attention and Jinyoung, too, turs his head to look. A girl is busy picking up the fallen tray – the source of the clattering sound – while in front of her stands another girl. 

 

“Sunbaenim, I’m sorry, I didn’t see—” The first girl tries to apologize, yet the standing girl doesn’t answer – she doesn’t even look at her junior, simply pats her uniform that has soup stain on it and walks away with a stoic expression.

 

She walks by near their table and her eyes meet Jinyoung’s.

 

His stomach drops immediately when he realizes that it’s her, the girl from this morning. Jinyoung quickly looks away, praying that she won’t recognize him or say anything, especially not in front of his friends.

 

“… Waaah, she’s really scary,” Namjoon murmurs under his breath, making Jinyoung glances. The girl already walks away, to his relieve.  “Am I the only one who creeped out by her?”

 

“No,” Hoseok quickly says, “I heard even her classmates don’t talk to her anymore because she’s always like that, ignoring them like they don’t exist.”

 

Jinyoung his lips, nervous, but also curious. It seems that his friends know her. “Who…,” he decides to ask, “Who is she?”

 

“A senior,” Jackson is the one who answers. “Bu—Bumi?” he looks at Hoseok for confirmation.

 

“Bomi,” Hoseok corrects him. “Yoon Bomi.”

 

“I heard she was very cheerful before,” Jaebum pipes in. “But, yeah, if it happened to me, I’ll probably be like that too…”

 

“What happened?” Jinyoung can’t help but to ask more.

 

Jackson beats anyone to answer, “Her sister committed suicide,” he tells him in a stage whisper. “Jumped from the school’s rooftop.”

 

“I never see someone commits suicide.”

 

“But her sister wasn’t going to this school, right?” Namjoon asks.

 

“Naaah, it’s a girl only school.”

 

They don’t talk about Bomi anymore after that, already putting her name away in favor of round two of girl group leader, this time between AOA’s Jimin and Mamamoo’s Solar.

 

They don’t realize that Jinyoung doesn’t let out even one word for the rest of the lunch break.

 

***

 

It’s Friday evening, and Jinyoung is on his way to detention for skipping class on Monday.

 

When Jinyoung steps into the class, she’s already there, probably because of the same reason, playing with a pen between her fingers. She looks up to him and Jinyoung averts his gaze before he can tell whether she recognizes him or not. The teacher on guard tells him to take a seat and Jinyoung chooses a seat on the front row so he doesn’t have to see her.

 

It’s silent there, Jinyoung tries to concentrate on his homework instead of the itching feeling on his back like he needs to look over his shoulder.  

 

Thirty minutes into detention, the teacher stands up. “You better be here when I come back,” he threatens them with a glare before leaving the room.

 

Jinyoung focuses hard on the questions in front of his eyes, but it feels gradually hotter around him, and his stomach twists almost painfully.

 

“Hey.”

 

He swallows, determined to ignore her.

 

“… Do you need help with your homework?” Against his vow to ignore her, Jinyoung finds himself turn his head, confused with the sudden question. Bomi is staring at him, expressionless as ever.  “What’s your rank in the latest test?”

 

“… Sixth in class, twenty fifth in school.”

 

Bomi is quiet for a while, propping her chin with her palm. “Huh. You’re smarter than me.” Her eyes are on Jinyoung, but at the same time, it feels like they aren’t. “I guess you’re doing okay on your own.” And then she turns her head, facing the other way, leaving Jinyoung feels restless and unsettled.

 

***

 

It’s Thursday, and Jinyoung is walking home from school.

 

He passes the small park that on his route every day, his steps halting when he catches the sight of a certain girl sitting on the swing by herself. They probably live in the same neighborhood or at least in the same direction, and Jinyoung wonders if they often passing each other by like this before but he just never notice.

 

Before he fully realizes what he’s doing, Jinyoung is already standing in front of her. She wears headsets that connected to the ipod on her lap, and she looks up and stares but says nothing. Jinyoung clenches his fists in his coat’s pockets.

 

“I heard your sister committed suicide,” he blurts out, his heart hammering inside his chest.   

 

For a split second Jinyoung thinks maybe she doesn’t hear him since she doesn’t give any reaction. “She did,” Bomi finally says, no longer staring at Jinyoung. She looks down to the ground and swings lightly.

 

“Is that why you want to see me…,” Jinyoung swallows. He can’t even say it.

 

She ignores his question. “Why do you want to die?”     

 

“I—“ His throat feels dry, and all of the sudden it’s hard to breathe. Jinyoung’s thankful he has his hands on his pocket, or else she will notice how bad they’re shaking. “I don’t…”

 

Jinyoung doesn’t get up every morning and thinks he wants to die. He doesn’t get up every morning thinking he doesn’t want to live anymore, yet the thought is on the back of his mind; nagging, persistent, lingers.

 

It’s weird, confessing it to someone else, saying it out loud. “… Sometimes… Sometimes the world’s too loud…,” he whispers, feeling small, and scared, and sad.

 

Bomi stops swinging, her eyes are still on the ground. Suddenly, she stands up and steps forward right in front of Jinyoung, so close that he almost steps back. Without a word she takes off her own headsets and puts them on Jinyoung’s ears.

 

It’s like he’s leaving the buzzing city behind, drown in the music’s playing from the headsets.

 

She pushes the ipod down to Jinyoung’s pocket and looks up to him like she has something to say.

 

In the end, Bomi just his cheek briefly with her thumb before she leaves him alone in the park.

 

Even if you’re tired, make sure you eat your meal.

Then later, you’ll sleep better at night.

 

Jinyoung feels like crying.

 

***

 

It’s Monday, and Jinyoung is going to be late.

 

Weeks have passed since the last time he talked to Bomi on the park, and he hasn’t meet her ever since. Sometimes he sees her at school, during lunch break, or in the hallway, but always from afar. He keeps her ipod, carrying it around at all times like it’s a talisman. Zion.T’s Eat is the most played song on the ipod now.

 

Jinyoung fixes the scarf around his neck, feeling his nose’s getting numb from being outdoor for too long. He’s on the crossing bridge, the same one where he first met her, and he’s waiting. Jinyoung doesn’t want to approach her at school.

 

She’s graduating soon – Jinyoung heard she didn’t take the college entrance test.

 

When Jinyoung can no longer feel his toes, Bomi shows up – in the same dark blue coat and the same hairpin, but this time with red gloves on her hands. Her eyes flicker in recognition when she sees him.

 

“I want to return this,” Jinyoung stretches the hand holding the ipod.

 

Bomi spares it a look before pushing it back to Jinyoung. “Keep it. For you.”

 

Jinyoung doesn’t argue, pocketing the device. It’s not the real reason he’s waiting for her anyway – he already knows that she won’t take the ipod back.

 

And Bomi waits in her place, knowing Jinyoung has other things to say, too.

 

“… Why,” he opens his mouth, “Back then, … why didn’t you stop me?” He thinks about that day, often, and it’s almost like her passive stare is stitched to the back of his eyes – because he just keeps seeing it.

 

“I thought…,” she sounds distant, like she’s not talking to Jinyoung, not seeing him, like she’s not really there. “… I thought maybe you’ll be happier that way. I will never know, won’t I? I saw. You have friends. You look happy. Your grades are okay.”

 

“… Do you need help with your homework?”

 

“But maybe you’ll be happier if—,” Bomi cuts herself off and she closes her eyes. When she opens them again, they’re already clear from any emotion. “You may look happy, but I’ll never really know.”

 

It’s not about him, Jinyoung realizes. It’s not entirely about him. It’s probably about her sister, and Jinyoung was wrong. Those eyes are not void of emotion, there’s guilt hidden underneath. Her sister probably looked happy too, before she committed suicide. Bomi probably had no idea.

 

“It’s not true. It’s not like that. At all. I want… I want people to notice,” his voice cracks and Bomi looks at him, but Jinyoung continues. “I want people to look at me. To really look. And see. That I— “

 

That I’m not happy, and I need help, but I can’t say it.

 

“… No one… No one really wants to die.”

 

It’s like Jinyoung’s words knock over the wall Bomi builds around her heart – because she stares, wide eyes, and she doesn’t blink, but tears are pooling in her eyes before they run down on her cheeks. It doesn’t take long until she’s fully crying, sobbing, all the guilt she kept inside after her sister’s death pouring out.

 

Jinyoung holds her close that day, fixing his own heart; slowly and pieces by pieces.

 

***

 

It’s Saturday, and Jinyoung gets a postcard. The picture is the scenery of Jeju Island.

 

“I’m going away,” she tells him. “I want to see places. For me, and for my sister too.”

 

So that’s why she didn’t take the college entrance test. “What about your parents?”

 

“… They understand. I think they’re afraid to force me to do anything, because of my sister,” Bomi’s voice is quiet, but Jinyoung knows she’s alright. “They’re talking about moving to the countryside too. My grandmother is getting old and the restaurant she’s running is quite famous in the town, it’s not so bad to take it over.”

 

“How long will you go? Will you… Will you come back?”

 

“I don’t know for sure yet. But I will come back.”

 

Jinyoung nods, fiddling with the headsets’ cord in his hands.

 

“… I’ll send you letters,” suddenly Bomi says. “Tell you the things that I see. You will have to keep on waiting for my stories. I’ll stop writing mid-sentences and you’ll want to know the rest of the story, you end up waiting. And when it gets too loud again... Make it quiet with my words.”

 

There’s an underlying message in her intention, Jinyoung understands.

 

He’s not going to cry in front of Bomi. He nods again.

 

“… Send postcards too. I’ll collect them.”      

 

“… Okay.”

 

Jinyoung doesn’t read the lines on the postcard until he’s in his room. Lying on his bed, he flips the postcard over and read the short message Bomi writes him.

 

His heart ache reading it – but it’s a good kind of aching.

 

Carefully, Jinyoung reaches out for a tin box under his bed and puts the postcard inside, along with countless letters and postcards that keep his world quiet from time to time.

 

He lies back on the bed and closes his eyes, putting Zion.T’s Eat on repeat from Bomi’s ipod.

 

 

 

Jinyoung-ah,

It’s been a year. I think it’s time to come back.

I’ll tell you what happened to last my employer when we meet again.

You have to wait for me.

 

p.s. He finally tells his best friend that he—

 

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This seems okay in my head, but after I write it, it doesn't make sense...? Does this make sense to you?