Dying of a Broken Heart
I'll Always Be HereTaeyeon’s POV
I can’t believe I just did that.
For the second time today I have struck someone who truly didn’t deserve it.
I let my anger at the world, at life, at God, get the best of me. I allowed my emotions to control my body and hurt someone who was already broken on the inside.
I peek through the window and see a shadow remove itself from the glass.
Hyo…
Did you see me? Did my actions hurt you even more?
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry for everything.
I glance once more at my freshly bandaged hand and sigh.
I wish I could say more that that. Something that would make you feel okay again.
~
I curl myself up in the chair outside of Hyoyeon’s room, pulling the blanket close to my chin and attempting to somehow magically become smaller.
The throbbing pain in my lower back makes it obvious to me that these chairs were never meant to be slept in.
I hear footsteps thundering down the hall and I quickly pull the blanket over my face and pretend to sleep.
I can’t allow manager oppa to know I’m still awake. He has enough to worry about as it is without knowing about my insomnia.
I clamp my eyes shut tight but sleep refuses to have anything to do with me.
At that moment my ears perk up at the sound of a familiar voice.
I know I shouldn’t, it’s an invasion of her privacy, but I can’t ignore my curiosity so I listen in on the private conversation.
I strain my ears but the whisperings are much too quiet to distinguish. I huff in annoyance and force myself against the door. I hold my ear to the frame and slow my breathing.
Luckily the halls have been long since deserted. It’d be strange to catch sight of the leader of SNSD crouched on the ground, tightly wrapped in a pitiful excuse for a blanket, breathing nearly silently, and her ear pressed against a patient’s door.
The voices now flow cleanly into my ear, each word as clear as the shards of glass they embed in my heart.
“Hyoyeonah, are you sure this is what you want? I’m sure they’d understand. We all want to take care of you. Please listen to reason,” he trips and stumbles on each word as if he’s suddenly forgotten his Hangeul.
She’s awake?
I instinctively reach for the doorknob but retract it almost as instantly.
I want nothing more than to run in there right now. I want to see with my own eyes that she is okay. I want to feel her skin. The warmth that comes from the rushing blood below so I can be comforted with the fact that her broken heart is healing. I want to hear a breath being inhaled, inflating her injured lungs and assuring me that she’s alive. But the atmosphere… It’s so cold and heavy. Like a dense cloud of mind numbing fog is being pumped from the air vents instead of oxygen. My brain tells me that if I turn that doorknob, if I step into that room, my world will come crashing down. As if the words quietly passing from her lips hadn’t done that already.
Instead I hold back my rapidly beating heart, I brush away the fresh tears and silence the chaos inside my head. Instead, I listen.
“Yes oppa. This is the only way. As soon as I’m well enough, I’ll disappear. I’ll never speak to them again. Tell them the story I entrusted in you. I’m sorry you have to feed so many lies to the girls you love. Thank you oppa. After today I’ll never see you again. Thank you for staying with me until the end. Thank you for letting Kim Hyoyeon die with dignity.”
“But Jessi…”
“Please don’t. Please don’t say her name. I don’t ever want to see her or any of the others ever again.”
Like the idiot I am I let those words unravel me. I burst through the door. I can imagine the intense rage I feel casting over me. A red shadow that fuels my anger and clouds my judgment.
I’m so stunned by the words I so easily misinterpreted that I take no note of her condition. I look past the limbs encased in casts, the bloodied bandages that are wrapped around so much of her body, the dark and gruesomely colored bruises, even the worn and tearful expression on the dancer’s face. All I see is a target and like an expert marksman I hit the bulls eye with my clenched fist.
“Kim Hyoyeon?! How could you say that about us?! About her?! How can you just leave?! You’re alive damn it! Are you sick of us?! Are you just gonna ing quit like a damn loser?! Is this your sick way of escaping us?! Are we that worthless to you?! I hate you! You’re a ing Hyoyeon!”
My body is rattiling in reaction to the influx of emotions pulsing through my blood. The fury is burning my face and speeding my heart three times it’s normal pace. Tears are cascading down my burning cheeks and soaking the shirt that still tightly clings to my body from Hyoyeon’s caked in blood.
I don’t want to look at her face. Every rational part of my brain screams at me not to do it. I can’t bear the images my mind conjures up. I imagine looking up and seeing a twisted, cruel smirk. A face that makes me doubt everything. Our friendship, our sisterly connection, the Soshi bond that bounds us all together. Was that all a lie?
But of course I’m wrong.
When I look up I see a mask. A cleverly painted mask that depicts her familiar knowing smile. I see her now glistening eyes, decorated with a sadness that goes deeper than the skin. Eyes that make my blood run cold and cause all the spiteful words I bit back to catch in my throat. Her eyes, they’re so cold. But she’s smiling like they’re two different entities of her body. Like her smile and her eyes aren’t even connected. But unlike her smile, her eyes won’t allow her to hide the pain, not even behind a mask.
She wants to say something but the beeping of the monitor has drowned out all noise. She begins clutching at her chest, tearing at the fabric and twisting it between her tightly clenched fist. Her smile twist into a pained grimace and she coughs as if breathing were suddenly a foreign concept. She looks at me one more time, her cheek bleeding from my spiteful action, and smiles. As if in her mind she believed a smile could disguise the eminent pain she’s feeling.
Why are you smiling Hyoyeon? Are you trying to make me feel better when it’s more than obvious something is wrong with you?
I unconsciously reach out to help her but I feel my arms being grabbed and yanked back towards the hallway. I have no energy to fight them, not after witnessing that scene.
As soon as I’m out the door my body entreats me to the window. My brain tells me not to watch.
Why do you care bout her? You heard what she said. She never wants to see you again. I say grant that her wish. If you’re smart you’ll leave now Kim Taeyeon.
But my heart immediately argues back.
Don’t listen You know her better than that. Can’t you see something’s up? Didn’t you see the despair lingering behind those dark brown eyes? If you’re smart you’ll find out what’s really going on. Follow your heart Kim Taeyeon.
My brain and heart continue to battle each other. Both sides make good points. I just don’t know what to do. On one side I’m still furious at her. I mean she blatantly pointed out that she never wants to see any of us, even her girlfriend. What am I supposed to make of that. But on the other hand I’m not stupid. If Hyoyeon is going to fake her death there must be a good reason. Something she doesn’t want to tell me.
So in the end my heart triumphs. I choose to believe in the Kim Hyoyeon I love. That Jessica fell in love with. Not this sick, malicious figure my brain has conjured up.
I open my eyes to take in the scene and open my heart to absorb the truth.
Inside the room doctors are rushing about in an insane yet seemingly flawless manner. They make the chaos of an emergency seem like a cleverly staged play. They flow between each other, only giving brief commands. Everyone moves in sync and not a single person bumps into another or looks confused.
Between the flashes of white coats I catch a glimpse of the blonde. Her facial features are contorted with the weight of pain. They have to hold down her limbs to stop the mad flailing they wish to achieve. Even from the hallway I can hear her heart monitor. The beeping ascends in speed, faster and faster until they are only milliseconds apart.
I watch as a nurse injects her chest with an excruciatingly long needle. I turn my head to avoid the sheer pain that just the sight of the needle inflicts. I can only imagine what it must be like to have that enter your body.
I can’t see anymore but I relax as the once overwhelming beeping slows and returns to normal. The staff backs away slowly, giving her enough space to breathe but close enough to react to any changes. Her breathing calms and she allows her head to fall back and rest on the pillow. Our eyes meet and she gives me a goofy, most likely drug induced grin. She slowly raises her one good arm and gives me a thumbs up before fully falling into the effects of the medicine.
Even in all my anger, sadness, and confusion, I return the smile.
In that moment, I know I can trust her. All the insecurities and foolish doubts melt away at her smile.
I’m lead out of my daydreaming by a soft hand placing pressure on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry Taeyeon. I thought you were sleeping.” He speaks quietly and refuses to meet my gaze. ”No one was supposed to know this. I know she’ll be furious with me if I tell you…” he chokes for a second but forces himself to continue. “But if I don’t tell you, you’ll go on despising her. I won’t allow that. But I have to warn you, the truth hurts much more than the lie she wants to live. The lie she wants you all to live in.”
“I don’t care oppa. I’d rather suffer than live in a lie. Especially a lie she’s not living in. Even though her words hurt and the make no sense no matter how many times I repeat them, my heart tells me to hear you out.”
He smiles wearily and takes my hand. Even though it’s apparent neither of us has he energy, we head outside.
The night air is clean and cold with small remnants of the fallen snow lingering in the streets. A flake dances in the wind and lands on my palm before melting from the warmth of my skin. I clench my fist around the flake, forcing it to take some of the blame for today’s occurrence.
“Tell me god, why did you let it snow in September?” I whisper into my chilled hands.
The question hangs gravely in the air for an instant before it is blown away by a passing wind.
He looks at me for an instant and continues to trudge on. We walk until the street lights have long since disappeared and the stars hand heavily in the sky. He ticks his head back and forth several times.
Is he looking for something? Someone?
Finding nothing he leads me to a bench and gestures for me to take a seat.
In my exhaustion I gladly comply and he fills up the empty space I’ve left.
It’s strange when you think about it. A guy and a girl, alone, in an abandoned place on the night of the first snow. Anyone who passes by will assume we are a couple enjoying a midnight walk on a beautiful night. A bystander would never know the true morbid purpose behind this meeting.
“Taeyeon, I’m going to ask you this once. Only once. If you want to live happily, if you want to go on knowing nothing, if you want to forget everything you’ve seen and heard tell me now. The doctors can give you some medication and you will wake up tomorrow thinking all of this was a dream. This is the choice Hyoyeon would want for you. Sadly I’ve grown to favor this option as well. Please Taeyeon, I really want you to consider this alternative.”
I hesitate for a moment.
I could forget everything? Forgetting everything… that would make me happy?
“What exactly would my life be like if I chose this route?”
“You would wake up tomorrow with no memory of what you saw tonight. Like the other girls you would be told that Hyoyeon is dead. You would most likely grieve for a lengthy period of time, SNSD will temporarily halt its promotions, and she would live in your memory as the heroic girl who died saving the love of her life. The way she wants to be remembered. Eventually you would cry less and less, grow to be happy once again. Take things day by day and eventually move on. Sure, you would never be the same, but death is a part of life Taeyeon. We all learn to get by in time.”
“And if I refuse? If I want to know the truth?”
He heaves a sigh and glares at the cement below. There’s still some snow clinging to the ground and he knocks it around with his foot in a repetitive motion.
“To tell you the truth I don’t know. Everyone handles things differently,” he lets out a hollow laugh and kicks away the snow.
“Well, you know the truth. How do you feel?”
He laughs again with that disgusting, terrifying laugh and replies, “How the hell am I supposed to feel? Death? Death I could deal with. Sure I’d be crushed but I would prefer that over the truth,” he laughs hysterically.
Is the truth really that horrible? I’ve never seen him like this before.
“I feel confused, angry, hopeless, depressed. All in all, I just feel sorry. I feel nothing but sorry for her. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this. Anyway I’ll give you a moment to decide.”
A moment? I feel like I need a thousand years to even consider this.
Well what the hell am I supposed to choose?!
I either live in a lie where one of my best friends, my sister is dead…. Or I learn something I was never meant to know. Something that when mentioned casts a dark, silent aura over my heart. A secret that I’ll be forced to keep from my members, from her. A truth so great it can keep Hyoyeon away from us, from Jessica.
It feels like a hand is constantly opening and closing over my heart. No matter what it’s going to hurt.
I must know the truth.
“I’ve decided.”
He jumps out of his confusion and stares at me.
I stutter for a second. His eyes look so cold. I feel trapped under his gaze.
“T-tt-tell me everything oppa.”
“Are you sure?” He intensifies his gaze and I gulp down the lump forming in my throat.
All I can do is nod under his gaze.
“Very well. It should be obvious to you by now that Hyoyeon isn’t well. But it’s so much more than that. She’s never going to not be unwell.”
“What do you mean? Aren’t they just physical injuries? Can’t they just heal with time?”
“It’s not that simple. Her bones may mend, the tissues will heal, she’ll appear to be perfectly healthy on the outside. But on the inside the bleeding will never stop. Her heart Taeyeon…” he flicks away a tear and hides his face from me.
He doesn’t want me to see him cry again. Just like her..
“What about her heart?”
“Remember what I told you earlier? How it speeds up and slows down for no apparent reason? They can’t… They can’t ing fix it!” He suddenly shouts and punches the cement below.
“Oppa your hand..”
The skin on his hand has opened and is releasing blood but he interrupts my attempt to help him.
“Every time she feels any sort of emotion or strains herself in any sort of way her heart overreacts. Like earlier when you burst into the room. Couldn’t you hear it? How it shot up and kept climbing and climbing until it could’ve exploded?! She has to live with that every ing day!”
“So… I could have killed her?”
My mind strains, trying to wrap itself around this fact. I could have killed her because of my ignorant actions.
“Yes Taeyeon. With those words you could have ended her life.”
My eyes begin to emulate the pain I feel inside. The hand around my heart closes once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.
“But oppa, we could take care of her. The other girls and I, we would all want to help her. Why would she just pack up and leave?”
“Do you think I didn’t try to tell her that?! I begged her not to go! I considered every single option from every possible persepective! But in the end she’s right. She has to go…”
“But why?!”
“Think about it Taeyeon. Did you see how easily her heart reacted to something as simple as words? What do you think would happen at a concert? When she dances? What about when she sees Jessica?”
“Jessica…”
“Yes Taeyeon. Something as beautiful as the love she has for Jessica could make her heart burst. It would kill her instantly.”
Now I know why they didn’t want me to know. She wanted to carry this burden of being alone, of silently dying all by herself.
“Her life could be drastically shortened. Every time she exerts herself like that the doctors say that she could die a little more. It’s sickening. Every day she’s slowly dying.” He stops and lets that final word hang in the air.
Dying.
Kim Hyoyeon is dying. All alone.
“Now do you understand why she said those things? Why she never wants to see you again? She doesn’t hate you. In fact she loves you all more than her own life. She knows that if you see her you won’t let her leave. That you will end up having to watch her die, having to take care of her, cry over her. She couldn’t bare that. She would rather allow all of you to go on living happily than to be burdened by her. Now, are you sure you don’t want to forget? If we hurry and let you take the pills now you might be slightly affected. You will always have the sneaking suspicion that something is amiss. But still it’s better than nothing.”
“What happens to her from here?”
“I haven’t told her yet but I’m going to send her to live in America. She’ll learn English and take up residence in a quiet place. Free from anything that could hurt her.”
“But what will she even do there?!” My anger flares up at thte thought of Hyoyeon leaving Korea. Of leaving us. “She can’t even dance! Besides Jessica dancing is her life! Do you really expect Kim Hyoyeon to live quietly like that?!”
“Well what else do you expect me to do damn it?!”
Both of us have completely snapped. We both want the best for her but it’s not like either of us have experience at this.
“Just take the pills Taeyeon! Don’t you see how much this has already effected you?! Just take the pills and forget everything!”
“No… No! I refuse to lose her like this! I will find a way to save her!”
“Wh-What…” he stutters.
“You heard me. I will fix her broken heart. And then I’ll fix SNSD. I promise."
~
I clench my bandaged fist and look once more at the window she left only moments ago.
“I promise…”
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