Flying Solo
I'll Always Be HereTaeyeon’s POV
This isn’t just any press conference.
I’m alone.
I don’t have my eight sisters to relieve the stress or help answer questions or attract some of the attention.
These questions aren’t going to be so easy to answer, and for once all eyes are on me.
They don’t want to know everyone’s opinion on our new concept, the title and track list of our next album, or even to ask one of us about our solo activity such as dramas and movie roles.
None of those things even cross these reporters minds.
I don’t think we’ll get such easy questions for a long time.
Or maybe not.
I doubt SM will let us wallow in our grief for long.
We still promoted after Sooyoung got injured in that car accident. We still shot the I Got A Boy music video when Yuri’s eye was infected.
An hour had hardly passed after I was almost kidnapped off the stage before I was shipped off to my next schedule.
I never realized before. I never dreamt how cruel the idol world my friends, sisters, and I live in really is until now.
The nights we didn’t sleep, crash dieting or not even eating at all to appeal to our fans, fainting from exhaustion.
The first taste I got of this was when the nine of us saw Krystal faint on stage. Jessica nearly murdered F(x)’s manager.
But what could he do?
SM makes the schedule and for once they pushed her too hard.
Sometimes we go for days with this kind of hectic schedule.
But we’ve always had each other. We kept each other’s spirits up, we laughed through our tears, faked smiles to the camera, and we looked out for each other.
But I feel it now. I fell the cruelty as I stand here alone. As I look out on the crowd of reporters, the flashing lights, the microphone with my named etched across a template.
It makes me truly admire solo artists like BoA, IU, and Kahi even more.
To handle all of this alone… I couldn’t do it.
I especially think of Kahi.
I can empathize with her most of all.
Being the leader of a large group like After School is tough. But suddenly being out alone, no longer able to lean on anyone else for support. The depression she must have felt. The crushing loneliness.
I thank God for my sisters every day.
At this moment though, I’ve become that solo artist, and this press conference is my debut stage.
I look like .
I know it. The reporters, photographers, and staff know it. At least that’s what their confused expressions are telling me.
This is probably a first for the KPop world.
My hair? I think at this point it must look like that of Medusa. It’s tangled and curly as if I’d just gotten out of bed.
My shirt is baggy and wrinkled, my pants look good enough but it isn’t something they are used to.
Gucci dresses, something fresh off the runway from Milan or Paris. This is what they expect, what they crave. Something they can post online with ‘who wore it better?’ or ‘fashion do or don’t?’
I guess I’m a don’t.
I look down at my black converse and let out a slight chuckle.
I’ve never been in front of so many people with such casual shoes. High heels that boost me up to a whopping 5’7 have been the usual for so long.
I wonder if they are just noticing how short I really am. I don’t even have insoles so I must look like a midget.
I catch one reporter staring with a look like ‘what the happened to you?’
‘Did she get run over by a truck?’ Is what they must be wondering.
‘No but interesting story,’ is what my mind sarcastically replies.
Oh Taeyeon, your sense of humor is completely morbid.
I wonder if maybe they’re wondering if I fired my makeup artist.
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I am currently bare faced.
Oh the scandal.
At least I was fortunate enough to pick up a pair of sunglasses. It may be 9 o’clock at night but I don’t think they’ve prepared themselves to see my tear stained face just yet.
I bet you’re wondering about the cut.
I didn’t have enough time to clean it and cover it with makeup. I just simply snatched one of those large square bandages and placed it over the area.
That hit by a truck story must be becoming more and more plausible to them.
After the grueling few minutes of standing there one of the staff members leads me to my seat.
Only one seat separates me from Lee Soo Man, but luckily it is the seat of my own manager oppa.
He smiles warmly and gestures for me to take a seat.
I gladly sit down next to him and fold my hands in my lap. I don’t really want to look at the cameras but he taps my thigh and gestures for me to look up.
Even this situation is no excuse for rudeness.
I lift my head and glance over to a table in the far back. On the table is a clock counting down to the beginning of the conference.
3, 2, 1…
The cameraman counts down with his fingers and gives us the cue that the camera is now rolling.
I fake my best smile and wait for Mr. Soo Man to speak.
“Welcome everyone. It is a sad occasion that we have gathered here to discuss so I hope you all lend us your sympathy. As you may have noticed the only member of Girl’s Generation that is present is their leader Kim Taeyeon. Although under these circumstances I would have much preferred she had stayed home to grieve with her members but I believe that she is the only person who could give an accurate account of what has truly occurred. Ms. Taeyeon?” He smiles and gestures for me to grab my microphone.
Holy . He wants me to speak?! But… I’m not prepared. What am I supposed to reveal? What am I supposed to leave out? How much does he actually know?
Manager oppa swoops in thankfully as he leans close and whispers, “Mention everything except that which is between us. Do not reveal their relationship but you can tell them everything else that occurred.”
I nod and grasp the microphone, bringing my trembling hand to my lips and recount the story.
Their faces? Shocked, horrified, some are even crying. I once again feel my own tears slip past the edge of my sunglasses and crash down to the table.
The whole world is now aware, Kim Hyoyeon is dead.
And as far as they know, she’s not coming back.
My hope is diminishing more and more.
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