Lee Kyungjin was what everyone called a ball of positive energy. Even with her dismal fate, she still managed to put on a bright smile for everyone.

However, even the most positive of positive people harbor deep dark thoughts, and Kyungjin was no exception.

She was a just a bit better than others at shoving it down .

But it wasn't the thought of dying that scared her the most.

No, in fact, she already accepted that fate of hers.

What she was most afraid of was losing the people she cared about. She was afraid of being left behind.

She hated herself for thinking so.

How could she possible think such things? She, herself, was bound to leave the people who cared for her, yet she was most afraid of people leaving her.

What selfish thoughts.

Such hypocritical thoughts.

Yet, she couldn't help but to think such things.

She wouldn't blame anyone but herself for thinking such things.

She couldn't even blame Sehun for leaving.

Because what she hated even more than people leaving her was the fact that she was the reason why they couldn't leave.

She managed to push down those thoughts and allow herself to think that what Sehun did was for his own benefit.

But the void he left behind was almost too great for her to handle.

But she never said a thing about it.

And over the period of time, the hole tried to fill itself up, but there was still a hole.

But then he came and filled it, almost overflowing it.

She thought she loved Sehun, but now she wasn't sure.

Because if she called that feeling love, then what was it that she was feeling now if it wasn't called love?

Perhaps back then it was simply a lonely crush.

And she still loved Sehun, but more in a more friendly, brotherly love.

Because the one who allowed her to feel more alive than anything came in the form of a young male who struggled with his own existence. Something who couldn't accept his own fate. Someone who was immensely different than her.

But despite all their differences, they similar in many aspects as well.

They were both lonely in their own way, and both were trying to solve their own problems themselves.

And even though he helped her with her problems, especially with Sehun, the more she felt like she wasn't doing enough for him

Even though he told her about his past, she felt like she wasn't fully able to help him overcome it.

But over this period of time that he came into her life, she knew from the beginning that she loved Minseok.

Loved him the point where hearing that he needed some time alone crushed her heart to a degree of immense loneliness.

She understood that this separation was something he wanted.

Something he needed.

But she was still scared.

And like every time, she forced those thoughts down and put on a smile.

Because the least she could do was not worry anyone even though her insecurities kept nipping at her.

Even when her cousin looked pityingly at her, she stowed away her frustrations and negative emotions.

But perhaps it was good that Minseok wasn't going to see her anytime soon.

Then he wouldn't feel disgusted at her when he realized what she really thought.

All these negative thoughts and she knew that he would able to hear instead of what she said.

And she was scared that he would be disgusted with her and leave her.

Honestly, she was just a big mess right now.

Who knew that simply separating with Minseok would cause her to be like this.

She absently stared out the window, the clipped beeping of the machine beside her constantly reminding her of where she was now.

And at that moment she simply gave up.

She was tired of everything.

Of trying.

Unknown to her, it was her mind's way of coping.

A safety mechanism.

Her mind was too fragile to continue in this state, so it simply stopped thinking.

Stopped feeling.

Stopped everything that might have hurt her.

And that was the day Kyungjin stopped smiling.

Minseok stared at the house. It wasn’t anything big. Simply just a blue and white house in a nice suburban area. He glanced at the scrap of paper clenched in his hand and sighed.

What was he doing here? What was he expecting? It had been years since he had talked to anyone from his past. He wasn’t even sure if he would remember him.

Minseok then looked at the second item right behind the scrap. A picture of a smiling girl.

He was going to have to thank Jongin for giving it to him, but shook his head, removing the thought from his head. That wasn’t the real reason why he was here.

He put the picture in his pocket and took a deep breath, looking at the white door.

He let his finger touch the doorbell, not pushing it.

He closed his eyes and pushed it, hearing the chime of the doorbell.

There was silence, and Minseok started to lose hope, his bravado leaving him.

Thoughts of why nobody answered came swerving into his head.

Nobody was home. The person he was looking for didn’t live here. They thought that he was selling something and didn’t want to open the door.

After a few more moments of silence, he accepted the fact that the door wasn’t going to open and took a step to leave.

That was until he heard the door unlock and open.

He looked behind him to see a young woman holding a baby look at him curiously.

They stared at each other for a moment before she gave him a shy smile.

“Sorry,” she said. “I was tending the baby.”

Minseok gave her a small smile.

She looked at him and confessed, “I actually wasn’t going to answer, but when I looked at you through the peephole.” She paused. “Well, I didn’t know why, but I felt like I should.” She shook her head and smiled, bouncing the baby who was gurgling happily. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be rambling. Is there something you need?”

Minseok watched her carefully. It was nice to see someone so pure and honest. But never mind that, he came here for a reason.

“Is Lee Changsub here?”

Minseok smiled and thanked the woman softly as he took the glass of water from her hands.

The living room gave off a comfortable and calm feeling. Minseok liked it. He could faintly smell the aroma of lavender from somewhere.

“So sorry,” the woman apologized which Minseok now knew was Jinju. “Changsub just stepped out to buy some baby formula. Isang here gets a little moody when he doesn’t eat when he wakes up. But surprisingly, he’s ok right now.”

Minseok took a sip of water while watching the baby.

He found them a bit interesting. He could never hear their thoughts, obviously. And even when they could speak a few words, it was only those words they thought.

He shook his head. “It’s no problem. It was just bad timing on my part. But if it is a bad time, I can come back later.”

She shook her head. “Oh, no! Changsub should be back anytime. Plus, I can’t say I know anything, but it looks like you came here because of something important.”

Minseok blinked at her. Jinju was a nice lady. He could tell that she was slightly wary of him; nevertheless, she was thinking that whatever this stranger was here was very important to her husband.

Husband.

It was odd for Minseok to take in. To think that Lee Changsub from high school already had a family. A lovely wife and a cute baby.

He couldn’t help but to feel relieved that Changsub managed to live his life well after all that happened.

“I didn’t know Changsub had friends back at his previous high school.”

Minseok looked up at Jinju who was looking at him inquiringly.

“He hardly talked about that time. So forgive me if I feel so curious knowing that someone from then came looking for him.”

Minseok blinked at her, a sad smile flitted across his face.

“How long have you known Changsub?”

The woman blushed. “Oh, dear. It’s been a while. I met Changsub when he transferred to my high school our junior year. Oh, you should have seen him,” she laughed. “He looked like a very sad emo slash wannabe gangster. He was a sight to see.”

Minseok nodded to encourage her to continue.

“And well, I didn’t exactly talk to him. He wasn’t exactly the most sociable person around, and no one wanted to talk to him either.” She gave him an awkward smile. “I probably wouldn’t either if I wasn’t paired up with him on an art project.”

She then gave him a brilliant smile. “Oh, you should have seen his work. It was amazing. Breathtaking even. In fact, Changsub now works in graphic design. A rising star in the company,” she bragged proudly.

“Anyways, it wasn’t until then that I realized that Changsub was a sweet boy who seemed wounded.” She frowned in thought. “He never did tell me exactly what happened to him; he never could. But he would always tell me that I saved him.”

She blushed again and smiled embarrassedly. “Anyways, yes. I didn’t know that he still talked to anyone from back then.”

Minseok could tell from her thoughts that she was embarrassed on telling him, a stranger, so much information. She never meant to, but she felt that the stranger was so easy to talk to that she ended up talking more than she intended.

She frowned. “Do you know what happened to him?”

Minseok watched and considered carefully what to say. “I did.”

She was surprised. “Really? What…”

The door unlocked, and he could see a young man pop in, heaving a little.

“God,” he muttered. “The line was so long that I think waiting in that line was longer than just getting to the store and back.”

He walked to the kitchen and set the formula down. “How’s Isang?” he asked as he walked over to his wife and kissed her on the forehead.

She smiled. “He’s doing fine, curiously.”

He grinned back and played with the baby’s fingers as he gurgled again. “Aww. Who’s a good boy? You are!”

He continued playing with his son until he realized that there was someone in the room with them.

He was slightly startled as the unfamiliar man watched him patiently.

“I didn’t know we had a guest,” he said, more to his wife than to the stranger.

His wife looked at him curiously. “He was looking for you though?”

Changsub looked at Jinju and then back the other male in confusion.

Minseok smiled slightly, the best he could muster.

“Hello, Changsub. It’s been a while.”

Changsub squinted his eyes, trying to figure out who exactly this man was. It wasn’t long that his eyes widened and whispered, “Minseok. Kim Minseok.”

Minseok simply gave him a soft look.

“I’ll leave you two alone. It looks like you have a lot to talk about.”

Minseok could hear that she truly was being considerate to the two, but she was also worried. Immensely worried.

Minseok looked at her and said, “Don’t worry. If you feel the need to come in anytime, please do so.”

She looked at him in surprise and stuttered, “O-oh? I see. Thank you?” She looked at her husband and back at Minseok. She bit her lip and walked to the next room, looking back at them one last time.

It was quiet between the two males, one waiting for the other to speak patiently and the other wondering what in the world to say.

He finally did, and it came out in strained voice.

“What are here for Minseok?”

Minseok looked at him and sighed. “I came to see how you were.”

Changsub struggled to respond. “I’m doing fine, as you can see.”

Minseok blinked at him as his thoughts floated out. He was angry and confused. He didn’t expect the male in front of him to appear any time in his life. And he was worried why Minseok was here for. And whether that person was any part of the reason why he was here.

“I’m not here because of him.”

Changsub looked at him surprise. “What are you talking about?”

“I came here for my accord.”

“What do you mean?”

Minseok looked at the window where the sun shined through softly, breathing in light. “People are selfish creatures. They always do things that will benefit themselves.” He turned back to look at Changsub. “You and I. We’re no different. Everything we do is for ourselves or because of people we love.”

Changsub looked at him in confusion and a bit of suspicion. “What are you talking about?”

“You weren’t always like that, were you? You were a selfless person and only thought the good of everyone. Even him. Even me. But after what happened, you changed.”

Changsub sat there silently.

“And?” he added finally. “So what? Why are you telling me things that I already knew? Why are you bringing up the past?” he muttered bitterly.

Minseok gave him a sad smile. “Because I am still a selfish person.”

The other man warily looked at him, waiting for him to say what he wanted to say.

Minseok sighed. “I’m here to apologize. And even if you don’t want to forgive me, I still want to say that I’m sorry.”

Changsub blinked at him, obviously not expecting this out of every reason why Minseok would come to see him after so many years.

“You want to apologize,” he stated numbly, unable to comprehend this moment. “You want to ask for forgiveness? Out of all the people. Why?”

“Because there were so many opportunities that I could have stopped him. Stopped Chanyeol.”

Changsub slightly flinched at the name, his mouth set in a thin line.

 “But I ignored those feelings and believed in him,” Minseok continued, “And when I finally faced those nagging suspicions, I couldn’t trust anybody. Not even myself. After what happened, I stopped believing in people. I lost hope in everything.”

Changsub was quiet. “Why now? Why apologize now? After all these years? After I finally managed to get past it?”

“Did you really?” Minseok asked knowingly.

The other male flinched noticeably. “Y-yes.”

Minseok calmly looked at him. “We both know that you’re lying. You simply ran away from it. You haven’t fully confronted what had happened.”

Changsub didn’t say anything, staring at his feet, which only furthered confirmed Minseok’s statement.

“You asked me why now.”

Changsub looked up at Minseok.

“It’s because I want to start believing in people again. Despite their flaws. Despite their mishaps. Because not everyone’s the same. Because nobody’s perfect. Because we are all human.”

“And what does that have to do with me?”

Minseok smiled sadly, startling Changsub slightly, not having seen such an expression on his face before.

“I told you, Changsub. I’m selfish. In order to start trusting others, I need to believe in myself. I need to love myself. After that time in high school, I stopped trusting in myself and everything else. And that is why I want to apologize to you.”

Changsub stared at him and sighed. “I never hated you, Minseok. You think too hard on yourself. I never thought you were a selfish person. In fact, you were the least selfish amongst all of them. You were the only one who believed me. And I even heard that you confronted,” he paused, struggling to say the name. “Chanyeol” he bitterly spit out.

“You still have bitter feelings for him,” Minseok stated rather than asked.

“Wouldn’t you?” he darkly muttered back. “But it doesn’t matter. He’s just part of the past.”

“Perhaps. But did you really move on? What if you meet someone like him? Will you relive your past?”

Changsub didn’t say anything, a frown deepened on his face.

“You should be proud of yourself.”

“Changsub stared at Minseok in confusion.

“You stood up to him. You did something that no one else would dare to do.”

Changsub frowned. “You did too.”

Minseok shook his head. “No, the only reason why I did what I did is because of you. You were the one who opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.”

“Even though it made you lose hope in everyone?” he scoffed back.

“Yes.”

Changsub was surprised at his answer, his eyes raised in question.

“Because it part of my past. It is what makes me the person now. Perhaps if that didn’t happen, I would continuously be ignorant of what was in front of me because of the wishes I deluded myself with. Who knows? What I know now is that I should accept everything that happened.”

“Accept it,” Changsub murmured. “Is it that easy?”

Minseok shook his head. “No, it took me awhile to accept it. It’s not easy; I will tell you that. But it’s the first step of stepping out of your shadow, your past.”

Minseok looked at Changsub and asked, “So let me ask you, are you happy now? The present you, are you happy?”

Changsub remained silent, thinking about what he said. “I suppose that it opened my eyes. It showed be how underhanded the world can be. And if I didn’t transfer, I might have never met my wife now.” He looked at Minseok and snorted. “So yeah, I am happy. I have a lovely wife and son and a decent job. Everyday might be mundane, but it’s the little things that I love.”

Minseok nodded. “It is a shame that the things happened in our past, but it has made us the people we are. There is no denying that. We may regret our choices, but in the end, we are who we are.”

Changsub started to laugh while Minseok eyed him curiously.

“Sorry,” he explained, “I thought it was funny that the last person I thought who teach me about life would be you. That boy who cared nothing about the people and the world around him.”

Minseok shook his head. “You and me both.” He looked at his phone and stood up.

“I should go. And like I said, Changsub. I’m sorry for what had happened. Even though I just said that we should accept out past, I’m still a hypocrite. I still want to ask for forgiveness.”

Changsub laughed. “There is no reason for you to apologize. Because I don’t find you at fault. In fact, I want to thank you. If you didn’t believe in me, I don’t think I would be where I am now. So, thank you. I am happy now.”

Minseok blinked at him and smiled softly. “Thank you, Changsub. You’re a good person. I’m glad that I came to see you.”

And with that, Minseok opened the door and left just as silently as he had came.

Changsub watched his lone back as he walked away until he turned the corner.

As he closed the door, he let a sigh and snorted quietly.

Kim Minseok. Changsub couldn’t help but to think that he changed so much since the last time he saw him. His appearance wasn’t so different, but his aura became somehow brighter.

And despite bringing up past memories that were buried so deeply, Minseok had somehow allowed him let go a breath he didn’t know he had holding for years.

His wife peeked around the wall and cautiously looked at him.

“Are you alright?”

He looked up and grinned. A good to honest smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

Minseok looked at the piece of paper in his hand with Changsub’s address and shredded into small pieces before throwing into a nearby trashcan.

It was true that he wanted to ask Changsub for forgiveness, but if he didn’t want to, Minseok was alright with that.

The real reason why he looked for Changsub was because he wanted to see how he was. How his past affected him. If he had really moved on or still clinging onto the past.

Did he fall off the deep end? Swear off revenge to the people who made him this way?

Or was he the better person and decide to forgive and forget?

Or perhaps he simply tried to forget without trying to forgive. Just trying to push those memories into some dark crevice of his mind that he would never try to remember. Something like an open wound.

And seeing how he still had some strings attached made Minseok glad he came and let him let go those strings.

He didn’t have a real reason on why he was revisiting his past. But something in him told him that is what needed to be done.

He was also a little apologetic for lying to Changsub.

He hadn’t fully let go of his own past. He, too, was lingering in the past, unable to let go.

And until he does, he won’t be able to move on.

And until then, he wouldn’t be able to love himself.

And until then, he won’t be able to be with Kyungjin.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait.

I was busy with school and work.

Hope you enjoyed this update!

And thanks for reading!