The first thing she felt when she opened her eyes was the ache on and the pain on her chest. It was hard to move and the tubes attaching all over her body wasn’t helping. Her vision was blurry and she could feel a burning sensation in her stomach.

I should’ve been dead

She thought as she slowly moved her head to her right.

“Welcome back” The face of Li Wei greeted her. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “No need to talk. I know you don’t feel well. A bullet near the heart could’ve killed you but yet you live.”

She gave a light cough.

Well DUH?! WAIT! Where’s Kris?!!

She panicked as her eyes scanned for the man she would die for. The man she swore to protect.

“I sent him home. He’s been here for 2 days, never leaving your side. We found you both in that abandoned warehouse. He was all over you, screaming for you to wake up.” Li Wei’s face was stern and showed no hint of emotion.

She dropped her gaze and tried to focus on something else. Anything but Li Wei.

“I want you to know how grateful I am that you saved his life. There can be no one more loyal and trustworthy than you”

She blinked back the tears that attempted to drop. It was clearly annoying her that she was being dramatic.

“Xu Xian” Li Wei walked up to her bedside, brushing her hair out of her face. “I think it’s time for you to go and live your life”

Her eyes widened and she felt a wave of nausea hit her. It was worse than the pain she was feeling right now! It was worse than being shot! It was worse than killing people! What Li Wei was asking of her right now, it was the worst thing she could ever do!

“L-leave?” She croaked. Her face showed thousands of emotions. Emotions she tried so hard to keep.

“You have done your part. I’ve eliminated most of my enemies. Kris could live on his own. I won’t keep on holding you back. You have your whole life ahead of you, I would never want you to live it this way. You deserve much more, child. You don’t know how much it pains me to see the child I raised is attached to these horrid machines, knowing that anytime you may just lose your breath and never come back. It pains me to see you grow up without love. It pains me to see that you’ve turned into someone you’re not. You have to leave. It’s for you”

Kris didn’t know what happened next. The minute he heard that Xu Xian was already awake, he dashed out of his house and everything was a blur. He was now standing right outside of her room. The white painted door was giving him the creeps.

“It’s alright Kris. She’s alive” He whispered to himself. Reassuring his soul that she was still breathing and well. He reached for the door knob and was about to give it a twist when he heard footsteps approaching his way.

“Yi Fan?” Lu Han was holding a bouquet of white roses, staring at him sharply.

“Han” Kris eyed Lu Han. “I didn’t know you were visiting?”

“I didn’t know you were visiting too” Lu Han eyed him.

Kris sighed.

“Look Han, I—“

The door suddenly opened, revealing a frowning Li Wei.

“Jia Heng?” He raised his brows as he saw the two.

“I have to see her!”

“Can I come inside?!”

Kris and Lu Han asked simultaneously,  Li Wei gave them a “not-now” look.

“Look, I don’t freaking care if you’re my father! I want to see Xu Xian!” Kris insisted as he reached for the door knob.

“Jia Heng!” Li Wei grabbed Kris’ arm before he could reach the door and pulled him aside.

“LET ME GO OLD MAN!”

“Lu Han, will you give us a moment?” Li Wei turned to face Lu Han, giving him a look. Lu Han could only give a shrug and walk away, knowing that the old man wouldn’t even let him through the door.

“WHAT THE HELL?! “ Kris cursed as his father practically pushed him to the seat by the waiting area.

“If you make a run for it, I could still catch you”

“LET ME SEE HER!” Kris shouted as he crossed his arms.

“Atleast TRY to be civilized, boy! I AM still your father after all”

“Yeah, leaving me with someone else, not claiming responsibility and not stopping by all these years just to say a simple “hi”. Yeah, nice parenting DAD”

If Li Wei was insulted, he didn’t show it. Kris was angry, his “father” was being a pest.

“Look, Xu Xian is in no condition to speak right now. She needs rest. She has lost quite an amount of blood and she has to recover from her injuries” Li Wei explained as his eyes focused on Kris’ face, taking in his son’s growth.

“I just want to see her” Kris repeated, this time in a much softer voice.

Li Wei sighed.

“Jia--- Yi Fan” This time, Li Wei’s voice demanding.

“Just this once!” Kris pleaded. “Please, just this once!”

Li Wei huffed.

“Go. Before I change my mind”

“Thanks!” Kris said before he rushed inside Xu Xian’s room.

Kris stood right beside her bedside as he watched her sleeping figure.

“Xu Xian” His eyes never left her face as he grabbed a chair and placed it near her so he can be beside her the next time she wakes up. He then felt the urge to grab her hand but instead, he placed it on her head and started to brush her hair affectionately.

“I know you’re asleep and you might not hear me right now. So I’ll take this chance Xu Xian” Kris smiled as he continued “I lied. I lied to you from the start. I didn’t hate you. I couldn’t hate you. You were too cold, too cruel, yet Li Wei chose to father you instead of me. I was…. Jealous of you. You were strong and fierce. You feared nothing and no one and that made me insecure because I am NOT like you. You were the kind of person I wanted to be. The characteristics and the personality I wanted to have. I envied you for all your talents. But it all changed that day you started teaching me how to defend myself. I lied to you when I said I didn’t want you around, that I wanted to do nothing with you. Truth was, I couldn’t admit to myself that I was starting to fall. I lied to you last Christmas, when you asked me if I was the one who left that book on your bed. I was too embarrassed to say it really was me, instead I told you Lu Han asked me to give it to you. I actually lied to you every Christmas and on your birthdays, those gifts you found on your bed or outside your door were really mine and not from those secret admirers I made up. I lied to you when you asked me if I loved someone and I answered no. I thought I could keep on lying to you, because I know that you’re never ever going to leave me. That you will always be there no matter what I do. I was wrong. When I saw you trying hard to breathe that day, I could feel myself suffocating too. I prayed that you’ll live. I prayed that you’ll open your eyes, so that I can tell you how beautiful you made my life by just being with me. I have never been scared, have never felt true fear, not until I saw you close your eyes. And the thought of you leaving me was the most dreadful thing ever. So please Xu Xian, please do me a favour and live and come back to me. Please let me love you”

A knock on the door made Kris sigh.

“It’s time to go now Yi Fan, your parents are here” Li Wei said.

Kris stood up from his seat and bent down to Xu Xian, giving her a peck on the forehead.

“I love you Seohyun”

It had been hours since Kris left and she had been staring at the ceiling all day. She has heard everything, even the last thing he said. Her eyes stung with tears. What made it worse was that he said her real name. After ten years, she has broken down and cried. And this time, it was far more painful than loosing someone.

I am sorry Yi Fan. I can’t. I don’t deserve you. I have to leave.