I was curled up at the edge of the bathroom. The pain was stabbing, twisting my stomach. I tightened my own embrace hoping for my stomache to disappear in the clasp. A tear beaded in the corner of my eyes. I tried to convince myself my pain was just the fruit of my mind, I could control it. As soon as I told this to myself the pain redoubled! As if it wanted to proof me that it really existed. I heard a squall getting out of my mouth. Fortunately Junhyung wasn't in our room, certainly rambling with his love before the interview... The pain had never be so strong. From the begining of all this sh*t 8 months before, it had never been so harsh. It was like if the knife in my stomach was suddenly sharp... In my mind all was going blurred, words from Jun was bumping into Hyunseung's ones with the memory of Doojoon's expressions. It was like an ill-controlled telepathy, a huge din that I couldn't bear anymore. I stood up in a jiffy, just a little ring in the ears, and faced the mirror.

I will tell him.

Jun was right, I couldn't continu like that, I had to do something. I took my phone from my pocket and wrote:

To Doojoonie <3 :

I've something to tell you. It's...important.

I'll be in the Aliku Café at 4 p.m. 

<<>>>

Now I couldn't draw back anymore. 

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The café wasn't far away from the hotel, so I knew it... But actually I had never get inside - till now. I opened the door and a sweet flavour welcomed me. It was a mist of vanilla and coffee with a touch of strawberry. The tables in light wood were aligned in a totally normal way. On the sides were the tables of four, in the middle these of two, and beside the big window, a sort of large alcôve sheltered a variety of green plants plus a few tables more.The counter was on the left at the entrance, also bedecked with some plants and behind, a girl, which I supposed to be the waitress, was absorbed by her little notebook. It was a comfy atmosphere, the café was almost empty, only two persons were hidded in the alcôve and one was drinking something warm at the counter. The smoke of his beverage was drawing some magic arabesques.

I headed to the tables of two and sitted down at one of them. I looked around as if it would lower the pressure. It was 5 before 4 p.m.. Doojoonie hadn't answered to my message but maybe he just didn't had time for it...

"- What do you want? ", asked the waitress breaking my thoughts.

"-Oh euh, one cappucino and one Chai latte please", I answered in my rudimental japanese.

She wrote something with characters which surely meant what I've just said. She was beautiful scribbling with attention. She was petite with black curled hair which where attached with skill, her skin was white almost transparent... Why couldn't I love such person? Why couldn't I love a girl? It would be so easier... Aishhh life is so unfair...

With that the waitress came back and put the beverages on the table. Then, at the very moment she went back, the door opened - with a little sound of bell : Doojoon.

I stopped to breath.

It was like in a film, all seems to slow down, all became blurred, only he  was fully distinct, his long black jacket following his movements. He looked around, his piercing eyes searching me, I guess. I looked down before he found. I heard him approaching. He paused a second and sitted. 

I looked up.

"-Thanks, - I said.

-Whatfor?

-Coming." 

He gave a hint of a smile. His face was calm.  He was waiting, letting me all the time I would need to explain me. He didn't want to break my impetus of talk by his own curiosity. But as I was still muet, he asked:

"-What's on? "

I sighed to gave me some courage.

"- I -- I have something to tell you, but...you have to promise me that you won't hate me after..."

I looked deeply in his ebony eyes. 

He took delicately my hand and gave me back his look.

"-Seobie, I promise, I won't hate you."

Breath! Breath!! BREATH!!!

I looked aside. I was fleeing.

"- Does it have a link with the pain in your chest?"

A tear slipped from the corner of my eyes. 

"-Heyyy, Seobie, don't cry" he wiped the tears with his hand, "I'm sure it's not grave."

I took his hand from my cheek and put it on the table, my hand still in his. Fire.

"-Doojoon," I dipped in his eyes. The hubbub in my mind - noiser than a launch of a space rocket - was at its peak.  "I--"  breath, pant, "I love you". 

Gosh!! I said it!!

Silence. The rocket has been launched. There is nothing more I can do but pray for not being destroy when it'll reach the space. My whole body is feeling something just turned my life upside down and this thing came from my own mouth! But there is no ache, no dazzle, no pain for now. Just a peace in my mind that is waiting to be shattered.

His eyes opened wide. 

"-Whaa --what?" -no disgust in the question, just shok.

"-Since eight months I love you." I continued, surfing on the peacefull wave, hoping its presence would be long enough to tell all what I have on the heart without being paralysed. "I can't bear when you're not here, you're all for me..." .

I took his other hand in mine, and drowned a last time in his marvelously eyes. And slowly, weighing my words, I declared the truest thing in my life,  what weeped days and nights of my heart:  " I really----can't live without you anymore."

He was muet. I relished his hands and looked down, protecting myself from his reflexion's expressions.  Seconds passed... I haven't thought  that silence could be  worse than a clearly and definitive reject. I could feel each inch of my interior peace breaking off, kindling and disappearing in ashes.

"-Seobie..." He took my chin in order to make me face him. His expression was unreadable because of the myriad of emotions he was showing by the same time. He was interrogative and confused but also relieved and shocked and somehow glad and scared... I think psychologist could have write a book of 500 pages with just this face!

"-I know. You're not gay...", I almost whispered feeling a new tear trickling, "and you would rather be with hyuna than me..."

He searched something in my eyes.

"-Why do you tell me this now?!" He asked ignoring my remark.

What?!  You think I shouldn't had tell you? But you said you wanted I tell you what's wrong, you wanted I confide in you about all the problems, the feelings I had...! I seemingly misunderstanded... 

"-Oh... well, I think now I can try to forget you..."

I stood up and went out the café after having dropped off a bill of 300 yens on the counter. When I came out, a torrent of poison flowed in my heart. 

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So sorry for the wait! It has been almost a year that I didn't updated despite my promises of updating quickly... I know I'm unforgivable! ^^ But I was writing this chapter for months, it's not long but I wanted it perfect as it's an important chapter =)  

Please  feel free to comments! =D