- - CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

the selfish one - -

Have you ever heard something and not been quite sure how you feel about it?

Well, I guess people don't really think about what they'd do or feel if they knew their lover had killed someone before, for whatever reason. I certainly had never thought about it before after all.

And yet here I was.

I had managed to stumble my way back to Minho's parents’ home after my meeting with Yuri and had fumbled my way to the room I shared with Minho. No one was home yet as they'd left early this morning to go help friends on a neighbouring farm.

They'd only be back this evening.

It left me much time to think.

To...

Comprehend.

Yuri's face swam through my mind, her sincere eyes and moving lips. All that came out of those lips was-

"Minho killed someone."

I closed my eyes as I fell backwards onto the bed, disrupting the pillows.

For some reason, I could imagine myself there.

On that cold, fateful night. I was like a ghost, silently watching as everything unfolded. I saw the man taking Yuri and Minho following in pursuit. They were both so determined, yet motivated by different means. One was to ert and the other was to protect. I watched as they ran, ran and ran through the moonlit path. It felt like they ran for an eternity.

But then, Minho caught up.

The serene forest shattered and Minho and the man entered a black void. It was almost suffocating. But I continued to watch. Minho threw a punch at the man's disturbed visage. Then another one. And another one. With each strike of his fist, the black void became tainted with streaks of red.

I lost count of the strikes.

And then, it was over.

The void drained away and the serene forest once again became the wallpaper. Three people were apparent, Minho, Yuri and the lifeless assailant.

Yuri stood with horror-struck eyes and Minho stared with disbelief.

He'd killed someone.

...

But...

That man had been trying to hurt Yuri hadn't he?

I began to put myself in her perspective instead.

Instead of Yuri, it was me the man was carrying and running with. It was me, terrified and panicked. I wanted to escape. I wanted to break free... but to no avail. I was helpless.

I wanted someone to save me.

...

And then I became Minho.

Determined and rage-filled. Someone had taken someone dear to me and I had the power to stop them.

...

And then I was Krystal once again.

I understood.

Didn't they say that you had to put yourself into someone else's shoes in order to understand their actions?

I understood why he’d done what he’d done.

He was brave.

So, so brave.

Not because of his actions, but because of the consequences of his actions.

How did one live with that knowledge?

The knowledge of knowing that you’d taken someone’s life?

I couldn’t comprehend.

I don’t think I’d ever be able to.

How…

How was he able to face each day with such enthusiasm?

I shook my head and slowly sat up.

I had to tell Minho.

I had to tell him that I’d met with Yuri.

I had to tell him what I really, really thought of him.

Determination built in my heart and I found myself counting the hours until he’d return.

• - - - - -

For a long time… I’d hated myself.

I’d been so cruel.

I was a terrible human.

I didn’t deserve to live after what I’d done.

Guilt.

Regret.

Self-loathing.

I’d felt those emotions often.

So often that I’d-

…

I ran away instead.

I ran away from the village.

I hadn’t even taken anything with me; no clothes, no money, no mobile phone-

I wanted so desperately to just get away from the oppressing emotions.

Before I-

…

• - - - - - -

It felt like an eternity before Minho and his parents walked through the front door.

The sun had already set and I could hear the crickets begin to chirp in the coming nightfall. It was always so very, very peaceful here, especially come dusk. Living in the city, you missed some of the wonders of the world.

I’d already begun dinner when Mrs Choi stepped into the kitchen. She’d thanked me with a sigh of relief and a pat on my back.

And then I’d seen Minho.

The overwhelming urge to tell him had taken all my self-restraint not to follow.

It hadn’t been the right time.

So I’d settled for embracing him tightly and placing a gentle kiss on his lips. The smile that’d curved his lips had warmed my heart.

Dinner after that had been pleasant and Minho and I had excused ourselves shortly after.

And that’s where I currently found myself; sitting cross-legged on our shared bed while he was in the bathroom to clean up after a day’s work. It was taking all of my self-restraint not to barge into the bathroom and tell him what I so desperately wanted to. The words burned on my tongue, pleading to be set aflame.

Patience.

I breathed in deeply-

Minho emerged.

Exhale.

“Hey princess,” he cooed softly, a smile gracing his lips as he ran a towel through his locks. I couldn’t help but smile as a gentle, warming feeling filled me.

“Hey,” I half-whispered as he approached me, placing a gentle peck on my forehead as he reached the bed.

I blushed.

“Hmm,” he said as he crooked an eyebrow, “Is there something on your mind?”

Oh.

He could definitely read me well.

I nodded.

“There’s…” I paused, “Something I need to tell you.”

A frown crossed his brows.

I suppose I could’ve phrased that a bit better.

“What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly as he sat down beside me, gently taking my hands in his.

I met his gaze.

“I met with Yuri today.”

Panic.

Fear.

Those two emotions flashed so clearly in his dark orbs.

“No, no,” I said quickly, wanting to reassure him.

“She told you, didn’t she?” he interrupted me.

I nodded and I felt as his grip on my hands tightened.

I could feel the heaviness in his heart.

“Do… do…” he dropped our eye contact, “… hate me?”

He spoke so softly, I almost hadn’t heard him.

My eyes widened.

“Never!” I exclaimed.

He lifted his head.

“But how… how can you not after knowing what I’d done?”

I smiled and inched closer to him.

“That’s easy Minho,” I whispered as he watched me with curious eyes.

“I love you.”

And then I placed my lips on his.

I wasn’t sure how long we kissed for, but the kisses never went further than gentle caresses as he tenderly held me against his chest.

I could feel the emotion he was unable to articulate and my heart swelled.

When we eventually broke apart, Minho put his forehead against mine and his soft gaze found mine.

“I love you too.”

His words were a whisper, but my heart heard them as though they were thunder. I couldn’t contain the smile that curved my lips as I clutched onto him tighter and tighter as though he’d disappear if I let go.

Minho’s smile matched my own and before I could stop them, giggles began to escape my lips. I wasn’t even sure why I was laughing, but the emotion swelling in my heart was so overwhelming that I wasn’t quite sure what to do otherwise. There was only a moment of confusion on his brow before Minho joined me.

It was so beautiful to hear our combined laughter echoing in his room, the room he’d grown up in, as we held each other and I couldn’t even pretend to think of any other place I’d ever be.

Nor could I fathom any other person to be with.

“Thank you.”

Minho’s voice broke my thoughts.

Our laughter had begun to quiet and his words hung in the air.

“Thank you?” I queried.

“Thank you for accepting me,” he paused as he swallowed, “Thank you for not thinking of me as a monster… as the monster I thought I was.”

I lovingly placed my hand on his cheek and he easily leaned into my touch.

“You could never be a monster,” I began, “You are simply Minho.”

His eyes glowed.

“My Minho.”

- - - - - -

We returned to Seoul three days after we’d confessed our true feelings. Minho’s parents had been sad to see us leave, but they’d understood that we hadn’t been able to stay. I still had to face my parents and Sulli.

Minho had been brave and it was now my turn.

Sulli had greeted me with a tear stained face and a hug to rival that of a bear. She’d apologized endlessly and we’d spent the evening spilling our secrets to one another before she’d admitted that she and Taemin had found comfort in one another while Minho and I had been absent. I’d been very pleased to hear this as I knew the boy would be good for her.

Meeting my parents had been the most nerve-wrecking moment of my short life. I’d never done anything of the sort before and I’d been expecting sighs of disappointments and gazes of regrets… but they’d simply pulled me into their embrace and had begun to weep. They’d apologized for making me feel forced into pleasing them and that they were overjoyed that I now wanted to follow my own dreams.

I’d been so overwhelmed by the emotion that I’d cried with them until there were no tears left in any of our eyes.

Minho had moved in with me shortly afterwards, after Sulli had moved out, and he’d enrolled in university. It had been very entertaining to about being a first year despite his age.

I had decided to complete my degree, but had found myself a position in the nearby dance school as an assistant instructor while I completed my degree with the option to take an instructor’s course as soon as I had enough experience.

Life was finally where I think it should’ve always been.

I wasn’t sure what would happen in the future, but I knew that I would be ok and for the first time, I was excited for the unknown. With Minho at my side, I knew it would be nothing but an adventure.

Sometimes I reflected back to my decision to be a selfless person.

I didn’t regret a single thing.

However, I did realize that selflessness is its own form of selfishness; a selfishness to the self.  If we do not pay attention to our own self, we can never give our best to those around us. If we are not the best to our own self, we can never be the best the anyone else.

Sometimes, I’d learnt, it wasn’t a bad thing to the selfish one.  

And that my dear friends, is the end of this fic. I'm so sorry it took me this long to finally finish it and I'm not even sure how many people are still here/decided to stick with this. I know this might not be the ending that you all thought of or wanted but half of this chapter I'd had written for years and I decided to put my nose down and finish it. 

Thank you to everyone who read this story and supported it. You are wonderful people. I wish nothing but the best for everyone who has read this and I once again thank you for making it through this story and I can only hope that you learnt something through the journey as I did. 

♥