CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - -

- - the selfless one

Sulli acted strangely around Minho.

Very strangely.

At first, I'd passed it off as lingering awkwardness, but when even Minho had questioned me about it, I began to doubt.

She was always jumpy around him and she talked to him in short sentences. Her posture was always stiff around him and she spoke softly, ending her sentences with a strangled chuckle. Whenever he came over, she'd greet him politely before retreating to her room and staying there while he was over. It was strange because Sulli was usually very talkative, especially to boys. She was also usually very charming and alluring around them - hence their instant attraction to her. I wanted to ask her about it, but there never seemed to be an opportune time.

And well... there was a part of me that liked it. I liked that she wasn't as charming to Minho, that she seemed to be controlling herself. It made her less threatening. Despite Minho's numerous promises never to look at anyone else, I was always on my guard.

I sighed as I ran a hand through my hair.

I was thinking too much again wasn't I? I was on holiday now, I could stop thinking. University was officially closed for the Christmas break and it was going to be closed for awhile. I didn't need to worry about accounting principles anymore or about getting to class on time. And I was excited because Minho planned on leaving next week sometime and the best part was that I was going with him.

It was exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time. I was going to meet his family. His dad and mom - the people I needed to get approval from. If they didn't like me, we'd have a problem. An even bigger problem than Sulli maybe.

"Krystal?"

I was awoken from my thoughts at the timid voice. I looked up to see Sulli at my door, cautiously peeking from the doorframe.

"Yeah? Is everything ok?" I asked her and motioned for her to come inside. I was surprised to see her here this late - past eleven - as her bedtime was usually around nine.

She nodded and padded over, "Everything is ok," she said as she sat on the foot of my bed, "But I just woke up from a dream."

I raised my eyebrows at this, "A dream?"

"A reoccurring dream..." she trailed off as she stared up at my ceiling.

"What happens in this dream?" I asked her tentatively, a strange uneasiness building in my heart.

Sulli's look became wistful, "There's a boy in it. He starts out young in it and I think that's because I was young when I first dreamt about him. Then, in my dream, he's always with me. Almost like a guardian angel of sorts. My dream almost goes through all the phases of my life and he's always there with me... comforting me. Especially during the time when my dad left. He grows up with me too. He doesn't talk much though and it's only been in these past few days that I've seen his face clearly..."

I frowned at this, "Is he someone you know?"

She smiled bitterly, "No, not personally."

This relieved me, "Sulli... are you... in love with this boy?" It was a weird question. Was it possible to be in love with someone you'd only ever seen?

She exhaled heavily, "I think I am."

I offered her a half-smile and I crawled over to her, "It'll be ok," I said comfortingly as my hand went to her shoulder, "If he's such a big thing in your life, I'm sure you'll meet him one day you know? I know it sounds weird... but maybe there's a real person like him out there and he's the one for you."

I could see she was holding back tears and my grip on her shoulder increased, "Really. Someone wouldn't have such a big impact on your life if they weren't meant to be in it," I encouraged her.

"Krystal, do you think love is meant to hurt other people?"

My brow furrowed at her unexpected question, "What do you mean?"

"I mean... do you think it's true love if your love hurts someone else?"

I bit my bottom lip. Was love meant to hurt others? My immediate thought was no. Love wasn't meant to hurt... if it did, it probably wasn't. That's why affairs weren't right. They hurt the person who was being cheated on and the two engaged in the affair never ended up together anyway.

"No," I replied, "Love isn't meant to hurt."

I could've sworn that Sulli laughed bitterly.

"I see... I agree with you... I just don't always think it's that easy."

Well, that I could agree with. Sometimes, it was really hard to control your heart and what it wanted, no matter how fleeting. But later on, one realized that it was only fleeting... and that the damage was already done. And some damage isn't easily fixed.

"Well, nothing is ever easy, is it?" I commented back almost wistfully. I wasn't sure where Sulli was going with this conversation and somehow, I felt that I didn't want to know.

She nodded, "Especially things like my pleasing my manager!"

I welcomed the joke, glad that she'd decided to change the topic. However, the uneasiness lingered.

It wasn't overly obvious, just a slight pang in my heart. I mentally shook my head. I was overreacting - Sulli and I had agreed to start over again, hadn't we? And she'd keep her side of the deal.

The uneasiness would go.

 - - - -

You know, back then, it all happened so fast.

Before I could even process what was happening and what I was doing.

Had I been in my right state of mind, it never would've happened. No, I would've found another way. A better way. Sure, no one blamed me for what happened. In fact, they praised me. I was called the hero of my town.

Hero.

I didn't deserve it.

Before you came along Krystal, I never wanted to be anyone's hero. I hated how they looked at me as though I'd stopped a gigantic monster from destroying the world. I absolutely hated it.

But then you came along.

With that first look in your eyes... I knew then that I did want to be a hero.

Your hero.

And I became it.

Only... I don't deserve it either.

...

I really want to though. And it frustrates me to no end that I can't be a real one to you... because you don't know the truth.

The truth about me.

I really did come here looking for someone, because God knows that I needed someone, but now... I don't know what to do now that I've found you.

God, is this some kind of cruel joke?

I finally found what I was looking for... but if I tell her, there's a big chance that I won't be able to have her anymore. Does this entertain You?

I hope not... and I should know better.

You aren't like that.

Oh Krystal...

I should tell you before we leave. That way, you can choose to stay here if you want. I won't force you to go with me if you can't bear to look at me after I tell you.

After I tell you that I'm no hero...

I'm a monster.

- - - -

The uneasiness never left.

And I think it had good reason.

It was a few days until I was leaving with Minho and something seemed very off. I'd now put it past the point of overreacting.

Something was brewing and I wasn't quite sure what... or if I wanted to find out. But life never gives you options.

"Are you busy packing?"

I lifted my head from my focus on the bag in front of me as I faced the door. Sulli was there, looking worried as her eyes scanned my room.

I nodded and straightened my back. I was currently kneeling on the floor and it wasn't helping my posture much. I was leaving in two days so I wanted to pack my nice clothes so that I didn't wear them before then.

"Yeah, I am... Want to help?" I asked. I could use her packing skills. She always seemed to make her entire wardrobe fit in one bag and there was still space left over. Sulli nodded and shuffled over, falling to her knees beside me.

I frowned as I caught sight of her expression.

She was pale, paler than usual and her eyes seemed burdened. There was a thin frown line on her forehead too - something a model shouldn't possess. Had something happened recently? Was one of her modelling jobs cancelled? She would've told me then, wouldn't she?

These questions remained unanswered as she rearranged my suitcase, packing things better than I had.

"I had a daydream just now."

I almost didn't hear her.

"Really? About what?"

"A romantic one."

Her short answers were weird.

"Was it with someone you know?" I tried to sound teasing, but my voice sounded more strained than anything.

"It was with someone I never expected," she replied almost bitterly.

"G-Dragon?"

Please, please, please.

Her smile was wistful as she stopped packing and faced me. The uneasiness I'd been feeling transformed into ominous dread.

Utter fear.

Her eyes locked with mine and I felt my breath hitch in my throat as my senses seemed to dull. I could no longer hear the radio in the background, nor could I smell my vanilla air freshener. I couldn't even feel the t-shirt in my fingers anymore.

"Krystal... I'm so sorry."

That confirmed everything.

"It was Minho, wasn't it?"

My voice couldn't have woken a ghost.

The tears were welling in her eyes and she inclined her head just slightly... enough to acknowledge my words.

...

Was my heart even still beating?

I couldn't tell.

"Wh...y?"

A croak.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry," was all I heard her saying before I felt her envelope me in a hug - one that I wasn't sure who it was supposed to comfort. I felt no warmth in her body, in fact, I was doused in cold.

"Krystal... I knew that I said I'd change... that I wouldn't ask you to give up anything for me anymore but... please... that boy I told you about, the one that's always been there for me in my dreams... It's Minho. I know it's him."

Acid.

Have you ever felt like someone had poured acid onto your heart? And then had let it seep into your core, burning everything it flowed over? Then, they'd reached out and squeezed your heart, so that the acid sank in deeper?

I was sure that this it was it felt like.

I couldn't even cry.

"Please Krystal..." Sulli was pleading through a tear-thick throat, "Please can I have him? Please... can you be selfless one more time?"

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

- - - -

Minho knew that something was wrong as soon as I stepped inside the restaurant.

In fact, all of SHINee knew - that's probably why they let him stop asking the table he was serving what they wanted to eat and leave with me.

He didn't question me as we walked to the park - which was almost empty due to the fact that it was nearly dark and that it was cold. Too cold to go walking at this time of the day.

But I felt nothing.

Not even the warmth of Minho's fingers as he held my hand.

His warmth was always something I'd treasured, but Sulli had taken it.

Just like she always did.

...

But who was I to argue?

Dream boy.

That's what Sulli had called him. The person who'd always been there for her. The person she'd found comfort in. It was Minho. He hadn't come looking for me, he'd been looking for her. I'd somehow just gotten in the way.

It was cruel.

Too, too cruel.

Was my destiny to provide for Sulli?

It was too much.

"I'm not who you're really looking for."

Bewilderment stretched onto Minho's face and his brow was creased in confusion, "What?"

I smiled bitterly, "It's Sulli. You're really looking for her. I was just... a distraction... or the gate guard really. You have to pass through me first to get to her."

That acid sank deeper.

"Krystal, what the hell-

"She's been dreaming about you for a long time you know," I interrupted him, avoiding his gaze at all costs, "You've been her guardian angel throughout her life. Now, you've come to find her."

I can recall the countless nights Sulli had spent crying over her father's suicide. Yes, he'd killed himself and no one knew why. Sulli liked to tell people that he'd simply left and they'd never found him. It was too hard for her to tell people that he'd willingly taken his life and no one knew why. His wife was beautiful and madly in love with him, he had a stable job and a loving daughter. It'd been a great shock. Sulli had even gone for counselling.

Maybe dreaming of Minho had helped her survive.

"That's impossible," Minho spoke, "You can't dream about someone you've never seen."

"I'm not here to argue Minho," I said thickly, "I'm just telling you to go to her."

There's was nothing left.

The acid ate it all.

"Goodbye Minho," my tone was just above a whisper.

"No," I heard him, "No, no." He grabbed my wrist, "Stop it."

The tone of his voice caused me to look at him.

His eyes were burning, with what I wasn't sure, but I felt the warmth slowly begin to creep back into my body.

"Don't you dare do this," he growled as his fingers sunk into the flesh of my wrist, "Stop pushing me away."

I was weak against him, "But Sulli is waiting. Just go to her." I was struggling against his grip, but to no avail.

"I don't want to. You don't want me to."

Why was he making this so hard?

"I want to be with you."

I gave up after that and allowed myself to be pulled into him. I wanted to believe his words so much that I did.

His lips crashed onto mine and I felt my body awaken again and I shivered from the onslaught of emotions that followed. Warmth flowed through me once again and I responded to his desperate kiss with just as much.

I never wanted to give him up. I couldn't.

"Please don't ever do that again," he spoke against my lips, "Never again."

I nodded, unable to form words as my lips found his again. I couldn't talk, this was the only way I could show him just how much I needed him.

My hands clung to his jacket, knuckles turning white as I craved his heat. His arms were around my body, forcing me closer to him, as though I'd run away if he let go.

I'm sorry Sulli.

I can't.

I can't be the selfless one anymore. 

And ta-dah :) I know that a lot of you predicted this conflict, well here it is :) And now you know the result! Krystal is fighting for her man ^^ Well, now all we need to do is find out what Minho's secret is - does this give you guys anymore information? =P Leave me your thoughts ok?

So, again, some of this is based on a true story so I'm sorry if it seems weird, but unfortunately weird things happen in people's lives. But just one thing I have to say to you all - never, ever give up someone that makes you happy, who makes you feel. Not for anyone. It hurts, a lot. And it hurts unnecessarily because eventually the person who asked realizes that it was never meant for them. 

Thank you for all the support you've given me <3