Donghae’s POV

I had fallen asleep and awoken to an empty bed. After roaming around the apartment, it was apparent that Hyukjae had yet to return. A quick look at the clock said that he’d been gone for nearly an hour.

I sighed as I took a seat at the kitchen island. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was no longer tired so I couldn't go back to sleeping.

Everything hurt. My eyes and throat were sore, my nose pink, and face a mess. Everything inside hurt too. My chest felt like it was carrying an unbelievably heavy weight and every time I thought about what happened, the weight only seemed to get more unbearable. I didn't want to keep crying. I had had enough of that. I just wanted to curl up and be able to not think about it. But how? No matter how much I tried to think of something else, I couldn't stop myself from falling into a dark pit of misery. 

My parents didn't love me. I never knew my father, and now that I think about it, I barely knew my mother. The only image I had of her was an eternal scowl of disapproval that was somehow always directed at me. My brother probably hated me, too. I was the one who ruined his family after all. Maybe that was why he left as soon as he could.

I felt the sting of tears again, but I was so sick of crying. It was stupid, but I still wanted my mother back. I wanted her to tell me everything she said was a lie, that she did love me and she had just said those things out of anger.

But the more I stared hollowly at the counter top, the more I realized that she had meant every word. She really didn't want me. To her, I was a bastard child, a pathetic mistake that shouldn't have happened.

I found myself numbly sitting down on the sofa in the living room. My mind kept bugging me to call Leeteuk so eventually that’s what I set out to do.

I had left my phone back in my room, but I had Leeteuk’s number memorized— one of the few that I valued enough to committed to memory. I borrowed Hyukjae’s landline and dialed the number, but couldn't bring myself to hit the call button.

Leeteuk had always been so nice to me. When our mother wasn't there, Leeteuk was always trailing behind me pick up my broken pieces— to replace what she never did. He took it upon himself to watch out for me and make sure I wasn't forgotten. But was it all just an act? Did he maybe hate me for what I had done? What if he didn't even know about what I caused? Then what? If I told him now, he was going to hate me. 

What was I going to say? Should I ask if he knew about our family situation? About what I had caused for him?

I stared at the house phone for the longest time not knowing if I really wanted to do this. But I wanted to hear him. He was the only family I had left, and I wanted him to be my big brother again, to shush me and tell me everything was going to be ok again.

And so I hit call. The ringing of the phone quickly had me coming back to my senses. Leeteuk was going to hate me when I told him, and I wasn't ready for his rejection. I rushed to end the call, but the ringing stopped and a voice came on the line.

“Hello? Who is this?” Leeteuk sounded as gentle as always. I stared wide-eyed at the phone in my hands. “Hello? Is anyone there?” he asked again after a moment of silence. I hesitantly brought the phone to my ear, grasping it with bought hands.

“H-Hello,” I stuttered, listening to a crackle in the phone line.

“Hae? Donghae is that you? Who’s number are you calling from?” Leeteuk sounded confused, but it wasn't angry or annoyed. It was the same soft tone I’d known him for.

I didn't answer his question. “Teukie,” I whimpered instead. It was all I could think to say.

“Hae, are you ok? What’s wrong?” He sounded concerned and worried. I really didn't want to cry, but I did. My voice cracked, and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing into the phone, begging for Leeteuk to forgive me, repeating apologies into his ear as I clutched at the phone desperately. 

I was too busy wailing that I didn't hear the frantic worrying going on at the other end of the line.

“Teukie, I’m sorry I ruined your family. I understand if you hate me, just please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to leave me. Please,” I begged into the phone, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. I was a mess, and I wanted to stop, but everything felt too much. Eighteen years had been a lie, and I felt so… abandoned. If my brother rejected me now, I would have no one left, no family to turn to.

There was a long pause at the other end of the line and I cried harder thinking Leeteuk had finally pieced together what was wrong and had hung up.

But then he was there again. “Hae, I’m not leaving you,” Leeteuk began softly, but he sounded pained, which only tugged at my heart even more. “You didn't ruin my family. You are my family. I don’t hate you, so please don’t hate yourself for something you never did.”

Hearing his gentle reassurances made me want to bawl even more, but it somehow calmed me down to the point where I wasn't chocking on tears. “Y-You knew? About what happened to your dad? My d-dad?” I sniffled, confused as to why he was acting like nothing was wrong.

I heard Leeteuk sigh over the phone, and I flinched, thinking he was getting tired of me, but he started speaking again. “I knew,” was all he said. He sounded ashamed of himself, but went on before I could even ask what was wrong. “How… How did you find out?” he asked worriedly.

His question brought back the vivid memory of how everything unfolded not too long ago, and I bit down hard on my tongue so that I wouldn't start another pathetic crying fest.

“Umma told me. She— she wasn't very nice about it. And now I don't think I can go back there. She doesn’t want me. I can’t go back ” I struggled to say, my voice breaking and unsteady.

“I’m so sorry, Hae,” Leeteuk said, sounding agonized. “I should’ve told you, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I was just worried about what it might have done to you, but now that you know, I feel so stupid. I should have done it myself, then maybe you wouldn't be hurting like this.”

At that moment, I felt myself smiling, even though there were tears still pouring out my eyes, and snot still running down my nose. Leeteuk wasn't leaving me. He still cared about me. That alone had me feeling much better than I had been feeling all afternoon.

“Teukie, I love you,” I breathed out, cutting off his rant about how stupid he was. There wasn't even a pause before he answered. “I love you, too, Hae. And don’t ever think otherwise,” he threatened playfully, sounding relieved that I wasn't crying in pain anymore.

There was a pause, and I listened to Leeteuk’s breathing on the other line, using my sleeve to wipe away all the gunk on my face.

“Where are you?” Leeteuk asked after a while. “You said you couldn't go back home, so where are you staying now? Are you at Kyuhyun’s?”

My face reddened when I remembered that Leeteuk didn't know yet about Hyukjae. How would Leeteuk react to that? I was caught debating if to tell him or not, but then decided that I should. Hyukjae meant a lot to me, and it was only right that Leeteuk know about him. I opened my mouth to start, but it was so hard getting the words out.

After a moment of me struggling to pull words out of the air, Leeteuk laughed quietly.

“Ok how about we start with something easy. Boy or girl?” Leeteuk asked sounding amused. I couldn't stand the embarrassment and buried my head in hand, mumbling out ‘boy’ so that Leeteuk could hear.

“Hm, boy? Alright, is he a classmate?”

“No,” I mumbled again.

“A friend?”

“N-Not exactly? But I guess he could be… I mean, I think he is, but at the same time he’s not a friend?” I cringed at how unbelievably uncomfortable this conversation was. It felt worse than our talk just now.

Leeteuk was quiet for a second. “A boyfriend?”

It’s confirmed: this is the most awkward conversation I’ve ever had with my brother. I whined into my palm, shaking my head at how weird this felt. I heard a chuckle on the other end, which eventually turned into laughter. Leeteuk’s reaction had me curling up on myself in embarrassment. But at the same time, I was thankful that Leeteuk managed to make me feel better. There was still a hurtful pain in the back of my head with everything that had happened with my mother, but I wasn’t feeling it so much now. I didn't feel like my world was ending, like I had lost everything. Thanks to Leeteuk, I was starting to realize that I was going to be ok, that there were other things to be happy about. 

“My baby brother has a boyfriend. Who would’ve thought? Awww, that means you won’t need me anymore,” he said, faking mock sadness, even though I could still hear the smile in his voice. I couldn't help but laugh quietly along with him, glad that this conversation had turned so lighthearted compared to how we started.

“Who is he?” Leeteuk asked. “How old is he? Does he work? Is he going to college? How long have you guys been dating? He isn't treating you bad, is he?”

I giggled at his silly bombardment of questions. “You can skip the whole interrogation. Matthew already beat you to it when he met him.”

“Aww,” he whined childishly. “You gotta tell me something about him, otherwise, how am I supposed to know if he’s good enough for you?”

I laughed again. “Fine. His name is Hyukjae, he owns this really big company, he’s 25, and h—”

“What?” Leeteuk exclaimed causing me to flinch. “That’s a seven year !” he gasped. Huh, I never really thought about it… Whoa that was a big .

“So you’re staying with him now? I thought you said you were looking for a place with Kyuhyun,” Leeteuk questioned. I thought about it for a moment before replying.

“I think it’s only temporary. But Kyuhyun was having some trouble paying for a new place, so I don't know if that’s still happening,” I said. But then I realized that I couldn't afford a new place either. Now that I was out of the house, I didn't have any money. I never had a bank account or any money set aside for myself. My money always came from Umma, and even then, I barely ever asked. Did that mean I was broke? I would have to get a job, right? That was the only real option.

Leeteuk noticed my silence and seemed to piece things together. “Tomorrow, go to the bank and open up an account. I’ll wire you some money,” he said. My eyes widened at his ridiculous generosity and I went to tell him no, but he cut me off. “Hae, don’t be stubborn and just let me help you.” He didn't sound annoyed or upset, but he was definitely taking on that older brother tone that told me to go along with what he said.

“Ok, fine,” I agreed reluctantly, which caused Leeteuk chuckle. We fell into simple conversation after that, talking more about simple things. It was comforting to talk to Leeteuk again and I felt much better. By the time we had hung up, I realized that we had been on the phone for an hour. That meant Hyukjae had been gone for two hours now. I was a little curious at what was taking him so long, but there was nothing I could do except wait.

So to pass the time, I the television and occupied my time that way. I had contemplated calling Kyuhyun since he didn't know what happened yet, but I didn't want to trouble him, so I just decided to do it later. I also thought about calling Matthew to let him know I was fine, but when I dialed his number, his phone rang out, meaning he was busy.

It was dark out by the time Hyukjae came back.

When he came in, he was surprised to see me curled up on the couch between some blankets I had pulled off his bed.

Hearing him, I sat up and smiled. My change in mood must've surprised him, but he looked more relieved than anything.

He placed the bags he was carrying down by the counter, then came over and crouched in front of me the same way he had done back in his office. He took hold of my hands and rested them in his on my lap.

“How are you feeling?” he asked softly.

“I feel better,” I confessed, my insides warming up at his concern. He brought one of his hands up to cup my cheek, his thumb stoking my cheek.

“You’ve been crying,” he observed sadly, but I was quick to clarify.

“I called Leeteuk. Talking to him made me feel better.”

Hyukjae’s eyebrows furrowed at the name, to which I reminded him that Leeteuk was my older brother. His eyes lit up in recognition, and then he smiled.

“I’m glad the talk went well,” he said, reaching up his hand to run through my hair. He then got up and leaned down to kiss me on the forehead. I blushed bright red and he chuckled. “Come on,” he said, keeping a hold on my hand, leading me over to the kitchen. He left me by the island and went to retrieve the bags from the floor to put them on the counter top. I came closer as he began to pull out boxes of what looked like Chinese food and then proceeded to haul out two tubs of ice cream.

“Dinner and ice cream,” Hyukjae laughed, waving one of the ice cream tubs. “Nothing can fix a bad mood better than ice cream,” he said, causing me to laugh. I watched as he began dishing out the Chinese food into two plates. I couldn't help but be thankful to him. He had helped me through this afternoon and I was thankful.

I must’ve been staring too long because he looked up at me. “What is it?” he asked. I shook my head, stepping closer to him. I didn't think before I wrapped my arms around his torso, hugging him. Hyukjae didn't hesitate to hug me back, and I felt so at ease that I just held on for the longest time. Hyukjae didn't complain and held me back. After a while, I took a deep breath. “Thank you,” I breathed, not looking at his eyes but instead keeping my head against his chest.

Hyukjae didn't reply, instead, his head ducked down and he captured my lips in a kiss. When he pulled back, he grinned then bent down to peck me one last time before shooing me off to take a seat at the island. As I did, though, I caught sight of a familiar looking duffle bag on the floor. That’s right, I had completely forgotten that Hyukjae had promised to pick up some of my things from the house.

I suddenly wanted to know if he had run into my mother while he was there. “Did you see Umma?” I asked nervously. Hyukjae looked up, looking a little flustered and hesitant, which made my stomach churn because his reaction meant he had. I was worried about the things she had said to him.

Hyukjae looked like he thinking carefully about his response before he answered me. “I saw her,” he said simply, and I waited for him to go on. Obviously something must’ve happened between the two of them otherwise he wouldn't be acting like this. Hyukjae avoided my eyes for a moment, looking as if he wasn't going to tell me, but when he looked back at me, he deflated. His eyes drew downcast and he let out a heavy sigh as he came to sit next to me.

“I know I should’ve stayed out, but I couldn't help it. Seeing what she did to you— I couldn't stand to let her get away with doing that to you,” he said.

“What you do mean?” I asked, titling my head.

“I— I told your mother that I would make sure she stayed out of your life for good. And I know I should be sorry, but I’m not. I don’t want her to cause any more trouble for you, Donghae. I just want you to be happy.” Hyukjae looked like he was genuinely meant what he said, and that was enough for me.

It took me a minute to come to terms with what he just said. But then I realized how much better I felt knowing that I would no longer have to worry about my mother. Granted, I was sadden that she would be permanently out of my life, but I felt it was the best for the both of us. She could now live her life without me in the picture as a burden. And now I wouldn’t have to worry about always trying to please her, because I knew now that nothing I could do would ever cause her to see me in a good light.

“Was that all?” I asked after a while, fighting back a smile at the way Hyukjae was fidgeting nervously in his seat.

“…That among other things,” he said, cringing and sneaking other glance at me. He looked like he was waiting for me to explode and tell him off for what he did.

He was pretty dumbfounded when I left my seat and hugged him instead.

He didn't get to react because we were interrupted by someone suddenly pounding down the front door.

We both jumped at the sudden noise, sharing confused looks. Hyukjae took the initiative to see who was causing all the ruckus. As soon as he unlocked the door, someone charged inside, looking around as they frantically searched for something until their eyes landed on me.

“Oh my god you’re alive!” Kyuhyun shouted.

thank you for all the comments you guys. they were lovely to read :D

the story is coming to a close very soon. excited for that~