There has been one thing that I longed for. There has been one thing I desperately longed for. And again, the more I longed for it, the farther it drifted away. Every time I slammed the door close, every time I yelled at him, every time I shut myself away from him, I silently longed for something. For every fights we have gone through, every tears I silently shed, it was me silently longing for him to finally do something. Despite me being hot-headed and often childish, I am still a woman with feeling.

Somehow, in the journey of life, I found someone. He was precious, he meant the world to me, yet he was dangerous. I did not know how I found him, simply in a blink of an eye, without many thoughts being resolved, I found him precious. Perhaps, it was because he was so precious that he became someone dangerous. And because he was dangerous, I couldn’t break away from him. I stood by his side, clutching on to him ever-so tightly, chaining my heart to his.

What was dangerous about having someone precious? It was the feeling of it. I finally had someone, who can cherish me more than anything in the world, who can make me the happiest woman alive, and who can break me more than anything else. It was the consequences of having someone precious that stood by my side; I cried more than usual, laughs more than usual, smile more than usual, and my temper become something outside my control. My feeling wasn’t mine anymore; most of it was dangerously being affected by him.

I was afraid of losing him, despite the fights and continuous argument we had. I found myself slamming the door closed, shedding silent tears, and pushing him away. It was often that I thought to myself, maybe it would be better for it to end. But he was dangerous and I was afraid, of the thoughts, of losing him. Again, for each time I slammed the door close, for each time I pushed him away and shed silent tears of getting hurt, there was a bit of something I longed for, something that could only come from him. So I could know, it was not a one-sided love, it was not only me hurting, but him too. It has always felt this way, me being the only one who was desperate to protect everything, who cares about everything – the only one in love.

Waiting was such a tiresome and troublesome matter. Yet my feeling wasn’t mine anymore, so I managed to foolishly wait and long for it. Perhaps, it was a one-sided love indeed. The more I waited for it, the more I longed for it, the more it drifted away. What I longed for never came. Until there came a day, where I realized what I long for has become impossible. Even if it happened someday later, it would be too much for me to bear. On that day, the constantly ticking clock becomes something I fear. I realized it was about time I should stop waiting, stop thinking, to stop everything.

May 15^th, two weeks after I eventually stopped longing for what I longed for. It was a rainy evening, with cloudy sky. I was alone in the room; it was amusing how we haven’t fought for a week. Our relationship has always been a continuous cycle of fighting and forgiving, of us pushing each other away only to realize we needed each other presence. May 15^th, he came to me, adding despair to my desperation. He gave me what I longed for, yet asked me for something I could no longer fulfill – the reason why I decided to stop everything.

I remembered finding him panting by my doorstep, soaking wet. He was panting hard, shivering cold while trying hard to maintain his posture. He was as always, tall and manly, with his expression looking all hard and angry. But it was the first time that I found the glimpse of fear and sadness in his eyes, as his dark orbs met with mine. His pleading eyes of that night were something I couldn’t forget. The way his hand trailed up my skin, touching my skin; I swear his touch was so gentle that I could break at the gentleness of it. He held my hand, clutching on to me so gently. I had not expected him to be so gentle. It was then, when he added despair to my desperation. He gave me what I longed for. What I longed for was not something big, it didn’t cost a lot, it didn’t ask for sacrifice. It was such a simple thing that took a long time to be fulfilled.

“Stay,”

2014 | 04 | 05

Author Note

What am I even writing?! T_T Kris? And where is Kris? I just had him in mind. OH, WHAT AM I EVEN WRITING?!