“You are a leaf and fall has started.”

A sin is what I have committed. I am stained – a human body with a stained body and soul, a stained blood and mind. I have escaped the brink of death countless time, that soon it came running after me. It is a consequence of the sin that I have committed, chase after the death, chase after the human, for the crime I have done. For the stained me that could no longer be cleanse, love shall be a forbidden thing. At least, that was how I used to think. As I, once again escaped the brink of death, I became one with the season, as it changes the life, it changes me. I am what you consider lucky, to be the living, yet unlucky.

***

Spring, 1999

Spring, the season of the year that shines the most. It gives back life and hopes, after a long and cold winter – where people often find themselves wondering about life, what to do next, or what the future holds, some even loses hopes. It gives back the life of the living, for those who survived the winter, for the trees and flowers to finally bloom beautifully. And for me, a woman who has finally turned twenty, a new journey of life. Spring, when I came back to life, after once again escaping the brink of death.

1999, a memorable year, I have to said. Spring, if I am about to describe it, the time where I would bloom beautifully, appearing before people eyes once more after long disappeared. I am the butterfly, and spring would be perfect for a returned, as I fiddle with others, enjoying a whole new life. A newbie is what people often called me during Spring. Who am I? It changes from time to time. This time, I am IU.

College, just like any others 20-years old, I had no choice but to sign up for it. Appearing normal, I walked to the entrance gate. It was crowded, a whole bunch of people I do not know and shall not bother to know. Once again, I stand under the cherry blossom, enjoying the Spring Breeze and the cherry blossom. I wonder, will I be able to stand right here, beneath the same cherry blossom at the end of the year? Yet the answer was obvious. No.

Classes aren’t my favorite, I excel at those but truly I found them boring and senseless. But truly, the year 1999 was different. Seated at the corner, I refuse to get along with anyone. I shall not be bound to anyone, or else goodbye and escaping the death would be harder. Who was sitting beside me? Whether it was a man or a woman, I never truly care. But again, 1999 was different.

“Hi,” a voice called out.

I had to say I was taken aback. How brave, how outrageous! Those thoughts come to mind, as he who was seated beside me, provided me a greetings. I do not know him, especially when I refused to know anyone. But it was written all over his face, how happy he was and how much he was looking forward to classes. Xi Luhan, his name was written on the list, yet he preferred to be called Luhan.

He wasn’t a Korean though, I noticed it. His hair was dyed brown, suddenly a match to my brown hair. I looked up to him, to meet his hazel brown orbs, it was pretty. It was pure, so much of a deer-like. He and I, we both shared the same eyes color, hazel brown, yet mine was stained. I am stained after all.

What do I have to say about spring? It was one of those days, when you find yourself falling for someone, when those little tingling feelings grow. I wonder if one day, I could find myself being ordinary, enjoying spring as how others would. Well, those days, those 1999, where the first feelings bloom.

***

Summer 1999

“Hey, do you want to go on a vacation? Summer vacation… will arrive soon.”

If I could recall, his name was Luhan, the man who often bothers me during classes and slowly he was interfering my life. I, who knows nothing about social life, often ignored him as if he was the wind. He never gives up though, it was amusing how he keeps bothering me from time to time. I remained called though, as I shall never be bound to anyone, to anything.

“IU?” He raises his eyebrows and nudged me gently.

“People are going to join, too! It’s fun! What are you going to do alone on summer vacation? Being together is fun!”

Summer has never been my favorite; I am forced to socialize and at times even adapted my life to fit theirs. Again, I wonder why should I? After all, I am meant to disappear by the end of the year, to not cross my path against anyone. I should be alone, I should forever be. Loneliness does not fear me. Yet again, even summer 1999 was special, different, and scarier.

Summer, what do I have to say about it? When those little feelings grow even more, when you get closer to your dearest one, when you got caught up in fights, when you become a fool, when you just want to chill out and have fun. I don’t know much about summer, I guess. But truly, it was the time when your feelings grow even more, when two hears got closer.

***

Autumn 1999

Amongst all the season, fall seems to fit me the best. They said, I turned the prettiest during fall. I may be am the prettiest during fall, as I became one with the season. I merges, becoming one of the leaf. It was colder, the wind was stronger, and the leaf has turned sugar brown. Pretty, the thought that often came to my mind as I looked out the window.

I stood under a tree, with its leaf turning sugar brown, and some even shedding on the ground. Swept by the wind, forgotten by the world, soon I will share the same fate with those shedding leaf. It was my consequence, the thing I have to repay for the sin that I have done. I was falling and every time it happens, I grow scared to it. Falling has never been scary to me, I even naively thought death is nothing I should be scare of. But the more I fall, the more I escaped the brink of death, the scarier it became. At times, I would wonder, will someone catches me? For once, I would like to show the fragile side of mine, so catch me.

The stained heart that slowly turned weaker, was it a sign of giving up, of soon being caught and ended up unable to escape any longer? It will be soon enough, I will disappear, leaving before winter came. Once again, I would have to face the cold and lonely winter alone, somewhere in the rural area where no one lives. And by spring, I would reappear with new names, new identity.

Luhan, that man was particularly quiet that day. He didn’t bother me as much as he used to, he remained quiet throughout the lecture as I, on the other hand, was thinking about stuff while at times I would murmur some nonsense. Him being quiet seems strange. He has never been so quiet; a glimpse of his deer-like eyes told it all, he was upset. But I, a woman who possessed a stain heart would never know how to comfort someone.

Those days, it passed quickly, as if 24 hour a day has changed to 12 hour. I was very busy, day and night, knowing soon I’d have to escape. On those particular days, when I would question who am I and what am I doing, what the future holds and the sin that I have done, I would stand under a tree with its shattering leaf, thinking how ironic am I to be sharing the same fate with them. Swept by the wind, forgotten by the world – ironic.

And those particular days always end up at the end of autumn, a day before I would be forgotten and once more disappeared to who-knows-where. It was raining lightly, I was enjoying the raindrops, I stood under the tree, watching the leaf slowly falling one by one. Only three or maybe four was left hanging up there. This time, will I survived? Luhan, he looked sad and gloomy these days, he became quiet, his smile became rare.

“Lee Ji Eun!” The name made me jumps out of the blue; it made me stare in horror – the forbidden name. “Lee Ji Eun!” I was scared.

“Oppa!” Yet it was such a big relieves how it was only a man, calling out the name of his girlfriends who collided with mine, the forbidden name.

“Lee Ji Eun!” But this time, the voice was familiar enough, to make me jumps and stared at him in horror. “Lee Ji Eun.” Luhan. It was Luhan. How could he? It was the forbidden name, no one shall ever know.

He came, how did he found me? I was in a very open place after all, but I wonder how did he found out? Lee Ji Eun, the identity that shall be buried deep under the ocean. I stared at him in horror, as he stared back at me, yet I found nothing in his gaze. I was scared. Have my heart grown weaker?

“IU, you’re Lee Ji Eun, aren’t you? Lee Ji Eun, the killer who was involved in a black organization.” He said in a low voice, but I found no fear or any evil intention in his voice or in his eyes and when I tried to dug deeper, it was even more confusing.

“I know. I just know. I realized it, a few months ago. I’ve got friends; I’ve got police as my parents. But your secret is safe with me. I don’t fear you, I don’t think you’re a bad person,” how pure and naïve, “You’re… are you going to leave and disappeared again? Will you ever reappear? Will I ever see you again?”

I stared at him in silence, shocked and surprise, at loss for words. He knows too much, I need to annihilate him. I was taught to trust no one, his words were convincing yet he knows too much. It was a long deep stared, as I dug deeper to find nothing. “I am.”

“Don’t go, will you? I can protect you.” I almost laughs at his statement, so silly and unrealistic. I could even kill him in a swift movement and escape before anyone noticed, right here, right now. “Jieun, I –“ I almost slapped him, how outrageous! Once again, I thought. He was daring enough, to call me by that name.

“IU-ah, I… love you,” Naïve, this man was too naïve.

I was once again at loss for words, for the sudden confession. But he was there, when I was turning weak, when I wanted to show a fragile side of me that fear to fall and scared to escape. But his words somehow fear me even more. I could only stared at him. For so long, I was unable to bind myself to anyone or to anything. I learnt not to love as it is forbidden; therefore I could not understand a word.

“Luhan, I am stained. I am stained, very much. I am not the person you think I am. You know me, I am a cold-blooded killer. I can kill you right here, right now, and escaped before anyone could realize it. I am dangerous and you know too much about me. You’re too pure, Luhan.”

Fall, the season where two hearts merges into one. Hey, leaflets, maybe this time our path has stopped crossing against one another.

***

Winter 2005

Six years and I have stopped escaping long ago, choosing to face it instead of escaping. I stood under the mistletoe, the only thing that I found blooming prettily during winter and when Christmas arrive, it was considered important. Winter was as cold as always, even lonelier. I stood under the tree, staring blankly at the ring on my finger, pretty. His name was carved on it.

It took me three minutes, before I abruptly pulled the ring off my fingers and gently placing it under the tree. After six years, I once again disappeared, before once again reappearing when spring came back to life.

Why do I accept him? He was an interfere, to my life, to my everything. For years, I have learnt not to love, not to bind myself to anyone or anything as it is forbidden. That was what I thought, but I was wrong. I was unable to love, unable to bind myself to anyone or anything as it is the consequence of being the stained one. It was out of reach, for those who lived with a stained heart. I am stained. I can’t grow to love him.

Credit : www.writingprompts.tumblr.com

 

Author Note

I think this is the worst chapter so far! I don't even know what I'm writing. I have the main ideas, I thought it was quite great but when I type it out, it became a mess. Sorry about that. I hope you can understand what this story is mainly about. It's LuhanIU not JongIU, because I wanted to make JONGIU the 10th chapter special. Anyway, does anyone noticed the changes in this piece? I used something different! I feel guilty for altering the characters age, but this is fiction. Comment! Let's see what you think about this messy chapter XD