(YEWOOK) Chapter II: Tugging on Broken Strings
Our Every Fantasy: Sapphire Blue Love (Short Fictions Compilation)
It was a normal Saturday at the park. Children were running around while their parents smile and snicker at them. Couples flirt and cuddle with each other as a group of friends sung pop songs at the middle of the place. The sun was shining brightly and greeting each person a hello with a smile. The birds were singing and chirping happily, joining the chattering of the people around. The blue sky is still covering the whole world majestically, as always, and the clouds were not too many, yet, also not too small in number. It was a happy day indeed.
"Hyung~" you chirped at me, leaning on my left shoulder while grinning. I looked at you with a big smile and murmured a sound which, I know that you know, means 'Yes, Wookie?'
You then looked at me with those big, doe eyes of yours, looking so cute and adorable. I chuckled as you asked, "Sing for me hyung. Pwease~? Your voice is the only one that could make me happy!" You pouted as you remembered the fight you had with our other friend, Kyuhyun. "Kyu made me sad again. And now I want you to make me happy...." you trailed off.
I sighed. This had happend every Saturday---your fight, that is. It's so common that I've expected you to run to my aid when this certain day comes. I wonder why you always bicker with Kyuhyun at the end of the week? But on Sunday, the next day, you guys play with each other as if nothing had happened at all. I laughed at the thought. You were already thirteen yet you still fight like a child. Seriously, these kids... "Sure, Wook. What song, hmm?" I sang, answering your question.
I already knew what song you'll suggest, but I still asked. I just wanted to play along anyways---as if this had not happened before---because it's fun and will make the time I spend with you a little longer. For I know that after I sing this song, you'll go and run to Kyu again like a pampered kitten. Why did I know? Of course, you've done this to me, all the time. And, yes, I get hurt. A lot. It feels like my heart is constantly being squeezed by a lemon squeezer. It really hurts. Seriously. But, if staying with Kyuhyun makes you happier, I would be happy too. I forever hope for your best, Wook, because I love you. If only you knew this feeling that I've kept and sustained since then.
There are times that I want to name you my own, but I always prevent myself from being tempted for I know that you wouldn't like it. You love to be with Kyuhyun. And he loves to be with you too. But I love to be with you, to be by your side. Why does being in love so perplexed? Why does loving a single person cause me so much pain?
After a few seconds of thinking, you answered. "I want you to sing my favorite song, hyung: There is Nothing More." You were again smiling with glee and I just smiled at your forever cute and endearing ways.
You said that you loved this song and made it your favorite because I was the one who composed and wrote the lyrics for it. Thank you for that, Wook. I'm really grateful. Very, very grateful. Actually, when writing the lyrics of this song, my mind was filled with thoughts and memories of you. Your smile, your cute ways, your wonderful voice. Just everything about you! I know that there is nothing more that I can do for you to love and recognise me further than a sibling of yours, and I'll express that feeling through my song.
I heaved a deep breath, exhaled, then started to sing.
"There's no use now, we've already reached our end
Those words are knocking on my heart
Your shaking voice, your chaotic glances
Is knocking on my heart again
Oh Why can't I say anything
Oh why am I standing here like an idiot
Looking at you, laughing, crying, leaving
Holding onto a person I can't see anymore
As your tears come to a stop
There is nothing I can do for you anymore
I can't block you from leaving now
I can only stand here
This last consideration, making me not be able to try to persuade you to stay
Until the end, I can only stand in my original spot
Oh Why can't I say anything
Oh why am I standing here like an idiot
Looking at you, laughing, crying, leaving
Holding onto a person I can't see anymore
As your tears come to a stop
There is nothing I can do for you anymore
Your sadly crying form
Looking into your eyes, but I can't hold you
I can never do that again, it's already something not for me to do
Looking at you, laughing, crying, leaving
Holding onto a person I can't see anymore
As your tears come to a stop
There is nothing I can do for you anymore
Looking at you, laughing, crying, leaving
Holding onto a person I can't see anymore
As your tears come to a stop
There is nothing I can do for you anymore..."
You again showed me your angelic smile after I sung the adlib and said, "Hyung...I know that reasons are something to find out and not to be left ignored. It may not come at the right time, hyung, I know. But if we just wait and keep on believing, the answers to our questions will surely come. It will make us, then, realize why we encounter the pain, the happiness and other things in our lives."
You continued, not leaving your sight at the scenery in-front of us, "The reasons and answers to our questions comes out at unexpected times, hyung. We must wait for it, believe that it will come, and hope for the best. Because a thing doesn't happen for no reason at all. It happens because we have faith and we believe. We believe that all the pain and sufferings we have recieved will bear good fruit in the end. Reasons are answers to be waited for. It's what my mother said."
I was shocked with what you said, I could still remember. Never have you said those sentences on any days of our memories and life together, until that day. Your words never left my mind since then. But I didn't understand its true meaning, not even until now that we are already a little old enough to be called adults and quite matured. I seriously don't get why you said that statement, in the first place, and what it really means. I'm not sure. I am really not sure.
I was shocked with what you said, I could still remember. Never have you said those sentences on any days of our memories and life together, until that day. Your words never left my mind since then. But I didn't understand its true meaning, not even until now that we are already a little old enough to be called adults and quite matured. I seriously don't get why you said that statement, in the first place, and what it really means. I'm not sure. I am really not sure.
'Reasons are answers to be waited for. We just need to believe.'
"Hyung! We just need to wait and believe, right?"
~
It's been three weeks since my stay at the hospital. Wook, Kyu and I have attended some seminars for the disabled and learned hand gestures for me to express what I want to say and for my other friends to understand me as well.
It's hard for me, you know? To not be able to speak and just use my hands to say what's on my mind. It's very painful. Also, when I want to sing, no sound would come out. No feelings from inside my heart would be expressed freely and easily. Because, yes, I express my feelings through my voice and the songs that I sing. It's hard for me to express those just by saying it and, of course, just by using hand gestures. It's just so sick. I hate it. But now that I don't have my voice and my mind ran out of songs to remember---since I don't want to remember any of those anymore---I've become like a doll: useless and numb.
I am useless now. I'm disabled and I can't do anything for my living. I know that I still have my hands, body, and feet to use, but there are no decent jobs that doesn't use your voice, right? I mean, even strip dancers need to talk to their customers! What now for the more appropriate jobs?
"Seriously.. Congrats Kyu!" I heard footsteps and voice from outside my door. (I was sitting at my dining table near the entrance) I immediately knew it was Wookie. With that girly and squeaky voice, who wouldn't know? His voice is so unique---another reason why I like it so much. It's just like mine, very distinct and easy to recognize, but still the total opposite. It's the tone, perhaps. Mine is very low while his is high. Oh well, opposites do attract right?
But he's still not with me......
I sighed and looked up the door as they entered. They were so jolly and ecstatic, like they've won the lottery that took place last week, an occasion which gave a big amount as its prize. I gulped and bit my lower lip. They're so happy yet I'm here, feeling miserable and empty. What did I really do to gain this pain? Do I deserve this? I did nothing wrong, right? Why?
"HYUNG!" Wook and Kyuhyun shouted when their eyes caught my sight, they instantly ran to me with open arms. I froze. No.. don't come near me. My mind is still hazy. I might push you guys away if you touch even the tip of my hair. My mind is too enraged right now to think properly. I might act too harsh. Please..no. Don't come near me. Please.
Please.
I immediately stood up from where I sat, my chair clashing to the floor, and left the place quickly then went to my own room. The last thing I saw before closing my bedroom's door was their shocked and confused faces. I could read what's on their minds. "Why did hyung do that? Have I done something wrong?" My heart shattered into tiny pieces, like broken glass, when I saw those look on their beautiful faces. Why did I do that? They don't deserve such treatment. I'm the eldest, I must stay firm and strong for them. I must. But what am I doing? Why am I sulking at a corner? Why am I thinking of the past? Why am I feeling empty and miserable? ...Why?
All of my questions needed a reason. It needed answers. Simply like a small plant in between two big and tall trees, those were neglected. No one could answer them. Even I, myself, couldn't. Why are these things happening to me? ...I don't seriously know..
I leaned my back on the wall, on the left side of my door, tears streaming down my cheeks. I clutched my shirt in a tight grip, for my heart was aching too much that it makes me feel like a person having a cardiovascular attack. I threw my head backwards and gently closed my eyes. Thinking about what I asked myself awhile ago---those thousands of questions---I heaved a deep sigh. Why does life treat me overly abrasive?
My back gingerly slid down the wall as the seconds on the wall clock ticked by. Tick.. tick.. tick.. After a minute, I bursted, opening my mouth as if I wanted to shout to the whole world how I'm so irritated and perplexed by now. And, yes, I did want to shout. It's just that I couldn't. Because, well, I'm mute; and people who are mute can't speak because they have no voice. In short, I'm a kind of person who needs medical attention but seeks not to. (And doesn't want to persevere to bring back his voice.) Yes, I'm an idiot, I know. I knew that ever since I was born, don't worry.
If only I could prove to myself that I'm worthy. If only I could do something to make myself be jolly again. But, no, I can't; or rather I think I can't. I'm a worthless piece of now. I'm useless. Very, very useless. Why am I still here anyways? Shouldn't I just die? This is humiliating. I hate this. Kim Ryeowook and Cho Kyuhyun would be happy even though I'm gone, right? I'm sure they will.
Well, if that's it....I'm leaving.
I stood up from where I was and turned around as I held the door knob. Not bringing anything but everything I wore today, myself, and my car keys, I harshly opened the door without much thought, making it slam hard on the wall, and left, not even giving a single glance to the people whom I imagined were shocked by my sudden attempt.
I rode my car and switched it on, pushing my keys on the hole. After, I pushed the gas pedal very hard, not caring about my aching foot. The wheels screeched as my car moved forward as fast as it could, like a cheetah running to catch its prey. I didn't care whether I was breaking the traffic rules in our town. The only thing I cared was leaving the place I grew up with my two so-called brothers. I'm nothing but a doll now, useless and numb. I shouldn't bother them anymore with my imperfections.
I didn't know where to go, so I just drove anywhere. Instinctively, I reached the place I've never dreamt of seeing anymore, again. The place where I first saw someone performing. The place where my lifetime dream started. The place that made me believe in hope. The place that told me who I really was. A place where people were singing, shouting chants, screaming, crying tears of joy, and all. Also, a place filled with pleasure, and sometimes sadness. The concert hall I wished to perform on since I was a child. Sapphire Stadium---the most famous hall in South Korea as of now.
I entered the gates, hoping it wasn't locked. Luckily for me, it wasn't. "Maybe God is just preparing me for the next life," I sighed to myself. I held unto the rusty gates and slowly opened it. The place was still lit, even though it's already 12 o' clock in the midnight. Sapphire-colored lights were shimmering bright, like stars that wants to engulf you in their majesty and wonderful sight. The place was just overwhelming, like how I first saw it when I was still seven, a child with innocent and sparkling eyes, filled with big and herculean dreams.
I entered the hall, eyes striked with awe. My mouth was agape as I roamed around the place. It was just so beautiful! Oh how I wanted to perform here with thousands of people watching me and screaming my name. But that would be impossible now, wouldn't it? I scoffed to myself. Since I'm mute and a worthless piece of .
I climbed the stage, feeling the pain stabbing my heart again. There, in the middle, stood the mic, the spotlight mainly focused on the latter. Like it was waiting for me to go there and sing out my inner feelings. Like it was waiting for me to perform. It wanted me to sing with full emotions.
Feeling dumb and without any second thoughts, I walked to the said place, not tearing my gaze away from the mic. Slowly, step-by-step, I reached it, my hands carefully grasping the latter while my heart beat as fast as a propeller of an electric fan would move when it is at its fastest speed.
I opened my mouth slightly as I breathed in. I wanted to sing, but I know I couldn't, so I just exhaled. I pursed my lips, jutting it to a straight line, and looked at the thousands of seats in-front of me. I imagined myself if I was performing my composed song on stage while my fans, friends, and family were cheering for me so loud that my ears would be peeled off from my head. Suddenly, a tear fell from my eye. Imagining myself doing the former was just surreal; it was very dream-like. But if Kyuhyun and Wook were able to become trainees, so am I, right?
I smiled genuinely to myself. What am I doing here, sulking? Why am I standing here like an idiot? Where is the Kim Jongwoon that originally existed? I know that there is still hope. For sure, I now know that I'm not giving up. My mind was now awakened because of my vision awhile ago. My hope came back to my heart, knocking gently and wanting to enter it lovingly. It returned back to its own home. And because of that, my soul felt warm and fuzzy again, like when I first thought of singing on stage.
I recalled what the doctor said to me while I was having my therapy, "You could still have your dream back, Jongwoon. Just don't give up and fight for what you think is right. Don't give up, Kim. The world is not falling apart. Not for me, not for you, not for anyone. Do what you want. Persevere on what you want. Do everything to get what you want. Because if you fight for your goal, you will surely attain success in the end."
My smile now reached my eyes, the latter was now formed like thin strips of lines due to how wide my teeth were showing. I won't lose hope just because of this stupid disease. (If being mute is even called a disease.) I won't give up just because I can't speak. The doctor said it himself, I still have a chance. I won't give up yet. No, not right now nor tomorrow. I will bring my voice back no matter what happens. I'm Kim Jongwoon and I will be successful in the future. That, I promise to myself.
I released my tight hold on the mic and turned around happily. I, then, tucked my hands on my jean's pockets and went back to my car. Taking a last glimpse on the place which showed me who I really am and gave me the hope I've been searching for two times already, I mouthed a silent thank you and drove off back to my apartment, ready to face Wook and Kyuhyun again with my loving brotherly smile.
This chapter was a fail. -_____- Sorry. I just had my exams and my laptop freaking broke. :PP (Good thing my sister let me borrow her laptop...FOR THE FIRST TIME.)
So..I have polls for you, guys, to answer.
Thanks sosososososo much to angel_miesjuhh, SM320KH116, chewwy, penguin23 and Heiyuun for commenting! I owe you guys....A LOT. Seriously, thank you so much.
And to you,
(**the song is by 2AM)
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