"Umma, where are we going? What is this place?" 5-year old Joon tugged at his mother's skirt. He gasped as large metal gates around the pension opened, eyes wide as maids ran up to the two and hurried to carry their luggage and bags.

 

Joon took small steps, admiring the pebbled stone path beneath his feet. He had never seen anything like this before. All along he had lived with his mother, in a small, modest apartment. Everything was simple and neat and he had never seen such grandeur.

 

He hid behind his mother as a man in his forties walked calmly up towards them, before smiling warmly at his mother. 

 

"Soojin-ah," he said, clasping both of hands in hers before kissing her on the lips. His mother chuckled before patting Joon's head, and nudging him towards the man in front of him.

 

"Joonie, this is your father, the one I have been telling you about," 

 

Joon stared at the man and back at his mother for a long time, not knowing what to think. Ever since birth, he had never seen his real father, and had only lived alone with his mother. His mother would spend days telling him that his father was way too busy to visit home, but that he should not worry for he was a great man, and would definitely come back some day to get the both of them. 

 

He was far too innocent, far too young to realize that his mother was in a forbidden relationship with his father, hopelessly in love with him and he her.

 

The man squatted on the ground to be at Joon's height, and hesitantly stretched out his arms, his expression unsure and worried.

 

He waited for a few more seconds, just as the man was about to retract his hands, before running up to him and hugging him with full force.

 

Words that he had learnt but never got used to saying escape his mouth.

 

"Appa..."

 

-----

 

Joon of seven years laid on his bed at the pension, cringing as he heard another glass crash downstairs.

 

His mum and dad were fighting again.

 

Father. Was Joon proud to have a father like him? Now old enough to understand things that went around him, he now knew the truth behind everything, why he was kept away from his father until he was five years of age, why he was stuck in this pension in the middle of nowhere in the mountains.

 

This pension was bought by his dear father because he couldn't afford to let his real family see the both of them.

 

His real family.

 

Joon was the son that was birth of him and his mistress, his mother.

 

He had a real family in Seoul, with a son that was three years older than him, and a wife that he said he no longer loved any more. So why wasn't he divorced yet?

 

This topic was the cause of the many arguments between his mother and father, for she was also irritated at the prospect of being hidden away from everyone else, after having given up her job and studies just to be with him.

 

His father, so caught up in the affairs of his real life that he could only visit Joon and his mother twice a month. 

 

But the problem was, Joon couldn't seem to hate him. 

 

Because he loved Joon. It was apparent, really, the way he would flood Joon with so many toys  he sometimes wondered how his real family did not realize that he was having this secret affair. He wanted to hate him, for he was voided of a social life, a normal life, having been home-schooled by teachers that his father hired and stuck in this pension in the mountains with nothing to do.

 

But he loved his father, and that was that. He missed when he left, and was elated every time he came, counting down to the days where he would get to see him again and crossing them out on his calendar.

 

He loved his father even three years later, when his mother had finally had enough and left the both of them, wanting to pursue her studies further. Joon was saddened at the depart of his mother, but was delighted when he finally heard that his father was finally having a divorce with his wife.

 

This meant that he would finally be able to spend time with him again, right?

 

-----

 

Yoon Doojoon. He met him one day, when he was out in the woods near the pension, scratching into the dirt and making marks on the trees around him. 

 

The boy had walked into the clearing that Joon was playing in, shocking the daylights out of the said person.

 

"Hey! This is a cool place you have got!" he expressed, looking around and glancing at the moss covered rock in the middle. Joon just stared at him, irritated. He was promised a meeting with his father today, but apparently something came up in the middle and it was cancelled. Joon was offended and felt like a part of his privacy was being breached, as he saw the boy gaze at the markings he made on the trees. 

 

"What's your name?" he asked cheerfully.

 

"Lee Joon." Lee Joon answered shortly. Then it struck him. What was his boy doing here? This place was in the middle of nowhere in the mountains, and underneath his irritation was his nervousness. He had never spoken to anybody else except the maids and his home school teachers, and meeting someone that seemed around his age was very, very rare. 

 

Well, at least for him.

 

"Mine is Doojoon, Yoon Doojoon," he said cheerfully. He then proceeded to pick up the stone that Joon had dropped on the ground, and made a marking beside Joon's name on the tree.

 

Joon squatted down, curious, but laughed when he saw what he wrote.

 

"Idiot! You said your name was Doojoon, but you spelt it wrongly on the tree! How old are you anyway?"

 

Doojoon's face flushed, and he blubbered out, "th-thirteen years old."

 

Joon smirked. Wow, this person was older than him and he was making elementary school mistakes? He shook his head, feeling completely at ease now.

 

The two people spent the entire afternoon teasing and making fun of each other, making markings on trees and clearing stray branches on the ground to make the clearing bigger.

 

That was also the day Joon found out that Doojoon was his half-brother, the son to his dad and his real wife, and he was probably going to see him more in future.

 

-----

 

"Hey Joon! Listen to this melody I have been thinking about," Doojoon said as he played a few keys on the piano, making Joon look up at his in irritation from his packing.

 

"Are you serious? That sounded really kiddy and childish, how many chords were you even using?" Joon said as he flung the last of his shirts into the cardboard box.

 

Joon of fifteen years was finally moving to Seoul, as encouraged by his father. After things had settled down at his home in Seoul after the divorce and reaction to the news of his mistress's son was finally given time to be absorbed, his father encouraged Joon to move back to Seoul to finally 'have a normal life', after having spent most of it in the pension.

 

Joon's heart was thumping as he sealed up the card board box, and sitting back on his arm chair to rest. To be honest, he wasn't sure about this decision at all.

 

He wasn't going to be accepted by the people there and the relatives that he was going to meet. He was sure of it. He was the son of his father's mistress for goodness' sakes, who would like it if someone suddenly plopped someone totally random, someone who was not supposed to exist, into their arms?

 

Not a good feeling apparently.

 

"Hey, I might not make you a record deal when I become a famous producer in future," Doojoon said, placing the fall back onto the piano. Joon rolled his eyes, not speaking. 

 

Doojoon noticed his silence and walked over, clapping him on the shoulders. "Hey, it's going to be alright okay? Trust me about this,"

 

Joon was beyond grateful that Doojoon had whole-heartedly accepted him as family, even a few years ago when he had just met him. Doojoon had even offered to help him pack his stuff when he announced that he was going to move to Seoul. But no way was he ever going to admit that. He was way too proud.

 

Joon nodded, picking up his box. "Okay."

 

-----

 

Joon slammed the door to his room in irritation. And flopped on his bed, gripping the sheets.

 

He was bullied again. That in his class had tripped him and made him land flat on his face, humiliating him in front of everyone.

 

That was it. He had had enough.

 

Nothing worked out when he came to Seoul. Unable to get used to the new environment, he was quiet in school and was dubbed from the beginning of the year as 'anti-social' and 'weird'. It wasn't because he was that, he was just shy and didn't know where to start.

 

And apparently Doojoon wasn't any help at all. He was three grades above him, and though they both attended the same school, it was rare that he would run into him or hang out with him between lessons.

 

And the biggest difference was probably the fact that Doojoon was popular and friendly, and had girls constantly cooing over him. He felt uncomfortable during the rare times when Doojoon would see him in hallways and casually put an arm around his shoulder in front of all his friends, asking him about stuff like schoolwork.

 

He wanted to bury himself in a hole when he felt all the eyes on him, the pressure of people who were unable to believe the handsome, cool Yoon Doojoon was actually his half brother, and that he was actually the son of the famous CEO in Korea.

 

More pressure came from his new relatives in fact. When he met them during celebrations or gatherings, he constantly saw fake smiles plastered on their faces, whisperings of being the ''s son' starting when he turned away.

 

He hated it. He hated life in Seoul.

 

-----

 

Joon scoffed as he regarded the new trainees in front of him with cold eyes. 

 

These useless wannabes want to be a part of Cube? They would have to work hard then. He was frustrated at the fact that his brother was already accepting new trainees the moment MBLAQ was gearing up for debut.

 

He wanted the attention to be on them, him, actually, and focus on their groups' activities than train youngsters who probably had no idea what they were doing.

 

The trainees looked at him, unable to believe that he would actually be that rude. He surveyed them again and his eyes fell on the one with chubby cheeks. He was looking at him with defiance, not liking him at all. Joon crinkled his nose and his heels, walking out of the room, away from MBLAQ, Big Bang and the new guys.

 

Who cares, he was used to nobody liking him anyway. And he had to find his brother to talk about this.

 

He hated the fact that people thought he was able to get into Cube just because of his father. This judgement irritated him so much. He worked hard and he finally wanted to showcase his skills and the things he prepared at MBLAQ's debut. He wasn't going to let useless wannabes take this chance away from him.

 

But his brother, like always, played Mr. Good Guy and explained that just because they were trainees didn't mean he wasn't going to focus on MBLAQ.

 

"Joon, those guys are talent, especially the vocalist. Give them a chance Joon," Doojoon said, trying to pacify his brother. He shuffled his papers together and sighed. He was used to Joon randomly acting up like this.

 

"Dad wouldn't have wanted-"

 

"Don't you dare talk about dad," Lee Joon hissed, glaring at Doojoon. Doojoon wasn't sure why Lee Joon loved the old man so much. He was manipulative, selfish, and had things done without a reason. After he died, sure Doojoon was saddened, but he was relieved to not have that man breathing down their necks. He thought Joon would feel the same way, but apparently not.

 

His phone vibrated, probably signaling another message from Gayoon. He muttered for Joon to wait as he typed a quick reply back, but when he looked up, he realized Joon had already left the office.

-----

 

Joon wasn't sure why he was acting like this around Yoseob.

 

His heart would beat fast and he got jealous whenever he saw the said person hanging out with someone else. Like his brother.

 

He was beyond frustrated when his brother announced that they were going to the pension for a training camp, for he felt like they were intruding into privacy, his personal space that he used to call home. He wasn't even allowed to use his old room, and had to sleep with the others in the dormitories near the house.

 

But that little encounter with Yoseob had set his heart a flight. Yoseob had found him in that small space, that he thought no one would ever come to. And for some reason, Joon didn't ind at all. Yoseob actually sounded like he wanted to care, that he wanted to help Joon with whatever problems he had now.

 

Even though Joon had harassed the poor guy in the club a few weeks back. He was surprised Yoseob was even willing to speak to him after that incident, it was nice to know some one cared.

 

Joon came to terms that he was gay more easily that he thought.

 

But Yoseob was being so obvious. Those tell-tale signs when he looked at Doojoon, how could anyone not have noticed? Even at the club, he was right. He had picked on Yoseob for acting so flushed up after that small encounter with his brother, but never would he have guessed that it was true.

 

Yang Yoseob had a crush on Yoon Doojoon.

 

And it broke his heart to know. When he saw Doojoon accompany Yoseob to the toilets after he had hurt himself, it angered him so much. He thought changing would be for the better, but apparently it was not.

 

But he hated that Yoseob could reduce him to a pathetic mess in minutes. He had not wanted to take part in the courage test at first, but decided to survey it in secret. He was so disgusted by the fact that Yoseob and Doojoon were paired together but this just meant he had to pay extra attention to the both of them.

 

Imagine his shock when they both ran to some unknown part of the woods after Seungri had scared them off, and when Yoseob accidentally tripped and fell over the steep slope.

 

He felt his heart breaking and panic rise in his chest as he ran towards the bottom of the slope, reaching just in time to catch Yoseob who was about to faint. He was nearly relieved to tears when he realized Yoseob was still breathing.

 

He had ran, in near hysterics, to find someone, anyone, to help the two of them, and the person was Jiyong.

-----

 

Joon's heart ached when he saw Yoseob cry next to him, after having seen Doojoon and Gayoon kiss. He wanted to tell Yoseob that he could love him instead, but was too cowardly to.

 

He was way too proud. But there was this small glimmer of hope that Yoseob would turn to like him instead after seeing his brother and Gayoon together. Maybe he'd move on, maybe that would happen.

 

-----

 

He was wrong. Again. He felt betrayed, destroyed. Everything came crashing onto him when he overheard Hyunseung and Junhyung's conversation. It wasn't true, it couldn't be. Lee Joon felt pathetic, like he was being played.

 

Why was it always him that suffered? Why couldn't it be someone else? He wanted to hurt someone too. He wanted to make that person who had taken something precious to him suffer.

 

Yoon Doojoon.

 

It was so wrong. Doojoon had never treated him badly. Doojoon was always the one trying to help him, the one trying to get him to go back to what he was once before.

 

But he was broken, so, very broken. He was confused,  unsure of everything.

 

Joon had hesitated for the longest of time before pressing that button on the camera, and even after that, he had felt guilt eat away inside of him as he sneaked out the door at the back of the staircase, padding softly and finally stopping after having reached a safe distance. He checked the pictures, and broke down, wanting to delete them on the spot but couldn't find the will to.

 

Find dirt on Doojoon, Gayoon said. So long as it is dirt, it's good, she said.

 

Sure, this was one if the scariest things you could blackmail someone with, but Yoseob was going to be pulled down into this as well. Was this really what Joon wanted?

 

----- 

 

Joon was shaken after everything. He replayed Doojoon's expression again and again in his mind when it was revealed that he took the pictures. His eyes spelt disappointment, exactly that. He could not bring himself to look into Doojoon's eyes throughout the whole meeting in the cafe.

 

Now as he clutched onto the whole brown envelope of photographs, he knew he had to do something. He couldn't bring himself to blackmail his brother like that.

 

-----

 

Lee Joon ran towards the entertainment company that was just a few blocks away. He had to tell Doojoon that he had burned the pictures, and that there was nothing to worry about anymore. He couldn't stop this strange feeling in his chest, like something was going to happen. He felt scared, but at the same time exhilarated at what he had just done.

 

He took the lift to Doojoon's office, only to be met by news from his secretary that he had gone to the park nearby.

 

He felt his whole heart drop, but wasted no time in rushing down again, running towards the park. 

 

He was running right behind Yoseob, and he panted a bit before deciding to walk instead, as the park was right in front of them. He wanted to call out to Yoseob, but was too tired to. Yoseob had not noticed him yet, and was still hurrying towards the park as the traffic light flashed green.

 

That was when he saw it. The red car.

 

Gayoon's car.

 

It was speeding towards Yoseob, and it wasn't stopping.

 

There was no time to think, everything was on instinct.

 

He felt a scream tore through his throat as he ran towards Yoseob, grabbing him by the back of his sweater and pulling him away from harm's way, way too late to realize what was going to happen to him instead.

 

"Joon!" 

 

Everything seemed to freeze in slow motion as he felt the sickening crutch of bones breaking and his body being flung onto the road from the impact of the crash. His whole body was on fire and he could barely feel any part of himself as he skidded a bit on the rough gravel ground before stopping. His vision was blurring fast, and he felt hot tears burn at the tip of his eyes as he struggled to stay awake.

 

Stay awake? Why stay awake?

 

Sleeping seemed like a better option now...yes, he needed sleep. He needed to rest.

 

He needed a break from everything.