7: Suho

“I miss—.”

“I’m here to return your clothes.”

“Wow,” I managed to say. Even when Hanhee cut my words, I knew that she had it figured out by herself. Although I really meant it, and I wanted her to hear it well, Hanhee’s denial was a very strong one.  I really did miss her though—and I’ve tried my best to watch over her the entire time. I know that she noticed me but that’s even better. However, no matter how much I tried to help her, her eyes showed not even a single acknowledgement to me. It’s like I didn’t even exist.

“Okay then, that’s all—your reason to see me?” I asked, smiling. She rose the bag up and I hesitantly took it back. I’ve actually forgotten all about it. It’s even better though, the fact that she kept my stuff. That would give us a reason to talk again. I thanked her and she simply shrugged. Bowing at me—which I found totally unnecessary—she then tried to turn around. “Wait, are you leaving now?”

“I need to go home, Joonmyun-ssi.” She replied. I held her hand back but when I noticed the pain she emitted earlier, I let go of my hand. I thought that she’d stop—I know it now, I’ve done my research, I’ve searched the internet about it. She’s depressed and cuts herself for it. I read somewhere that it could cause mental illness and even death—and that’s the least I want for Hanhee.

 “I can send you home, if you’re okay with it. I mean—um, no I don’t have my father’s car today, but still—if you want to, I can walk you home?” I cringed at myself. Why do I have to stammer my words like that? She sensed my awkwardness and smiled. Unknowingly, I smiled back at her and leaned against my desk. I could die of happiness right now—now that she actually smiled at me. But then she shook her head and tried to leave.

“I can manage myself.”

“I—” I want to help you—that’s what I’ve been meaning to say. That’s what I want to say. It all happened too fast—one moment she’s okay with me being there, and the next she would push me away. I don’t know if she grasp what I was trying to say, but she shook her head anyway. I dropped my stuff and walked towards her, putting down the bag of clothes she returned me earlier. “Well, I-I insist.”

“You don’t have to.” Why was it that her answers have to be all short replies? I was getting desperate, to help her, to be there for her. I don’t want her to get further hurt. She must’ve again noticed my face because she sighed. I sighed too.

“I’ll get going now then.” She opened the door slightly. I saw my friends stumbled backwards but I paid no attention to them. I pushed the door closed again and looked at her. I want to help you, Shim Hanhee. Can’t you get me?

There’s nothing you could do—her eyes showed me. “I’m sorry for all the troubles I caused you all this time.” She apologized. My brows frowned—she doesn’t need to be sorry for anything. I sighed again and shook my head. “But please, Joonmyun-ssi, don’t do this to me anymore.” Her grip on the knob tightened but I still kept my hand over the door. She needed to stay—I want her to stay. The pain she flickered when I held her wrist earlier, I knew it. She never stops.

“I want—”

“And you should stop staring too. And your friend, Lay or Yixing or whatever his name is, can’t you tell him not to—look too? I’m tired. I don’t want any of your sympathy or what. There’s nothing you could do.”

“I want to help you, Hanhee.”

“Well I don’t need your help. I’ve been alone these time. I can do well on my own. I don’t need your help, or your stares to watch my every move. I feel like I’m in the end of a cliff. With your eyes looking over at me, I’m—” scared “—annoyed.”

 “So I annoy you?” I had to almost laugh at that. She was sputtering nonsense and I didn’t buy any of it. “Well, I don’t believe you. You’re not looking into my eyes.” I smirked. At that time, she looked into my eyes, and said it. “I don’t need you. You annoy the hell out of me. So stop it. Stop caring—or, or showing any kind of interest or anything, whatever it is towards me.”

“You need to let me in.” I said. I can help you if only you let me. My hand started to get tired and slowly, I let it slip from the door. She grabbed the opportunity to fling it opened. I heard the boys scrambling back to their initial places and pretended not to overhear us. “Hanhee-ssi—”

“Kim Joonmyun,” She turned at me for the last time. I knew the boys were all witnesses to us now. They’ve seen how my mother stood up against me, but no other girls or women—no one dare to say my name like she does, nor do anyone glares at me like she did. I let my breath sunk when she pierced my heart with her eyes. “Stop it. We have nothing to lose, nothing to win over either. You need to stop and give me some space. Stop pretending that you care.”

But what if I really do care? She left me with no chance as she just walked out of the room. “Shim Hanhee—” I followed her out and I noticed her withdrawing steps. I wanted to go after her, hold her hand and tell her to drop her guards but another man’s presence halted me. It was the same boy as the other day—the reason why I ‘sulked’ and tried to avoid her, although I was actually dying to talk to her again.

He smiled at her and she smiled weakly back. I said nothing but I stayed at the door frame until she vanished from my eyes. I didn’t even realize my friends crawling behind me to get a glimpse of Hanhee walking away. I heard Lay’s comforting words and the others’ agreement on that but nothing would’ve worked out.

Hanhee let me out of her world while that guy gets to stay? Then why am I even giving an effort for it?