Oh god, forgive me, I’m such a failed author. I’m not giving up with the story yet but I’m very busy with school and everything T..T

18: Hani

A new week came and yet, I still couldn’t get Kris’s words out of my mind. He knows something about me and I don’t think I am ready to let anyone else know about it too. Joonmyun always says that he’s sincere and he’s willing to help me but I don’t know how that applies to my situation once he found out the truth. Since Kris had found out, I guess that it’d be a matter of time for Joonmyun to know about it as well.

Class had ended already and by now, I’d be too obvious that I had let my mind wandered off again. I don’t think the teachers care anymore. Everyone is like this I guess—they’d get worked out the first few days or weeks for some others, but then again, their attention would surely fade away and eventually dies out. Hyomin and Eunjo were so worried when I had started cutting myself because they noticed the sudden change in me. But over the time, I think they both got used to the fact that I won’t ever become the old me again though I was sure that they preferred the old me…

…because the old Hani was reckless and loose and immature and fun and now I am nothing like her.

I wouldn’t admit it to other people. I tried screening people out of my life so that I could avoid the explanation. But yes, I get pretty lonely. No, I get very lonely. But the worst thing is, I know that I have problems and I know what would it leads me to but I am not ready to pull myself out of this hell pit.

“You’re spacing out again.” That was Taehyung’s voice and I needed not to look up at him to know that. I merely smiled and bowed my head in embarrassment before staring at him. His friends were waiting for him outside of my homeroom but I could sense their interest perked up towards me and Taehyung. I looked at the boy in front of me again. “I told you that you look stupid when you’re spacing out. Have you seen a dying goldfish? Yeah, that’s exactly how you look.” He pouted, scolding me but I couldn’t help but to laugh at his attempt.

“I have a soccer MT this Wednesday until next Friday.” He told me, grabbing the chair next to my desk and smiled weakly. “Think you’d be okay alone until I return?”

“This is not the Amazon, Taehyung. Of course I’d survive.” I rolled my eyes and he returned the favor with his bubbly laugh. “You don’t have to worry. It’s not like I go out from the house anyway. And even if I do, you know that I actually took Judo back in middle school, right? If things happen, I don’t think I’d hesitate to pull out my killer move.”

Taehyung laughed and he mocked my move. “Yeah, and you were like in that class for a few months only. Come to think of it seriously, I don’t think you really paid attention in the class. You were too busy—” He paused. I gulped. He and I both sighed but I know Taehyung’s was a lot heavier. The guilt was eating him up and I know because it hurt just the same for me. I felt a finger taking out my bottom lip and that was when I realized that I had been biting my lips. I think I tasted blood but who am I kidding, I had been too familiar with the sickening blood taste.

“I’m sorry for bringing that up.” He apologized.

“Your friends are waiting, you know.” I smiled weakly. “You should go now or you’d get into troubles with them. Especially with that rebellious Yoon Gi,” I pointed at the said man prepping his hand lazily on the door. Yoon Gi winked at me as Taehyung rolled his eyes at his friend. The rest of the group laughed because they know how possessive Taehyung is towards his cousin. “I’m not mad or sad or anything. I’m just…feeling nostalgic, you know, when you said that just now…”

“I know that if I say that you need help, you might kick me again like the last time.” Taehyung chuckled weakly. “So I won’t force you or anything. You’re smart and you know what you’re doing, right?”

I nodded back at his words. He hummed in response and got up. “We’re going to Jimin’s house later. He had a food poisoning so we’re going to eat in front of him just to piss him off.” He finished with a laugh and I realized that little Taehyung has grown so much. “Bye, noona,” He waved before exiting the room. Yoon Gi spun around at the last minute and puckered his lips and winked at me. That earned him a punch on his shoulder from Taehyung as I laughed at the group of friends.

“You look happy.” A voice spoke out and I turned around immediately. It was Joonmyun. “To be honest, I have never seen you that happy before.” He walked towards me and sat down at the chair Taehyung used before. “Are you doing okay?”

“Can’t everyone just stop asking me that?” I looked away and noticed that I had not packed my stuff. My hands started working and putting my stuff inside my bag. Hearing no sound from Joonmyun, I glanced at him and saw his eyes on my wrists. “I didn’t… it’s been a while since… I’m getting better, I guess.” It was all a lie. He and I both knew that.

“What is your problem, Hanhee-ya?” He sounded frustrated. I zipped my bag closed and looked at him. What is my problem? I opened my mouth to answer him but no actually, I don’t know what my real problem was. My lips were pressed in a thin line and it was devastating for me too. I guessed I don’t like changes. I was used to being alone, being abandoned, isolated and it was all too much when Joonmyun decided to come into my life. “I want to help you. You need it.” He stressed it further.

I scoffed and looked at him again, “Don’t we all need help?”

“That’s why I’m trying to help you.” He started to raise his voice and I flinched. No, I had never seen him so worked out, so angry like this. I sighed. “You’re amazing, Hanhee. Everyone likes you and you have your friends, close friends even. So I don’t get it. Why are you bringing this upon yourself? You have people who are willing to help you, take care of you so why—why are you pushing me away?” He trailed silently.

I could only manage to gulp. Joonmyun then stared up at me and continued, “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not scolding you or anything,” He chuckled weakly. “I just... I could know more than I should but I didn’t want to. Kris told me that he knew something and I knew that he was telling the truth. I have my doubts, Hanhee. You were different back then, I know that. I didn’t know what happened but Kris did and he wanted to tell me.” I expected that to happen. “But I want you to be the one to tell me all that. I want you to trust me back and tell me.”

“Why go through all the trouble?” I finally said. I looked at him and he looked back at me. “Why me?”

“Why not you?” He asked me back. “You’re beautiful. You have the prettiest eyes. Whenever I look at you, I see a vast of emotions there. You’re not afraid to look back at people’s eyes, to challenge me and intrigue my interest. You’re so strong and you’re denying all of this by hurting yourself. I don’t know what happen before this but it hurts me just equally by seeing how terrible you punish yourself.”

“You don’t have to lie.” I didn’t know why but I was tearing up. Joonmyun meant well but I was pushing him away. I felt bad. I felt really bad and he was still there for me after all the things I’ve said to him. “I’m so sorry to disappoint you.” I finally cried. Joonmyun seemed surprised and he didn’t know what he should be doing. I’d laugh at him but I was too caught in crying and trying not to cry. I knew that my breath was hitching and god, I’m ugly when I cry.

“Hanhee,” He called me. In the end, Joonmyun settled by leaning towards my frame and hugged me. “I’m sorry that I push you too much. It’s just that…” He bit his lips and I snuggled closer to his heat. I’ve always liked Joonmyun’s warmth. “I love you actually. And I don’t think I could ever see you getting hurt like this. Being unable to understand the reason behind it is even worse. I want to help you but I don’t know how I can—” I shook my head and Joonmyun stopped talking.

I guessed I broke down. Every little emotion that I had kept boiling inside of me for the past few years finally exploded. It hurt so much but it felt so good. And it’s all thanks to Joonmyun.

“P-promise me you’ll stay,” I sighed, mumbling against his chest. He flexed for a moment at my words before calming down. His hands around my frame were tightened and yeah, for the first time in a long time, I smell home.

“I will.” Joonmyun nodded his head. “I’ll stay with you.”