I think you might need to read the story again since it had been months since I last updated this. (Even I need to read it all over again XD)  I apologize in advance if it’s not worth the wait. TT..TT

Oh right, I added my favorite ohteepee moment down there. Xiuhan is more real than my own existence and yeah! Hasta la vista

17: Suho

Kris was troubled because of something. I knew it. Even when he didn’t talk or show it, I knew there was something bugging his mind. And he was being stubborn by trying to ignore his own feelings. Yixing tried to talk to him, I assumed, but he shook the dancer a no. I was trying to wait for the right time because with all these commotion happening around us, I don’t think both of us could focus on the talk.

It was getting under my nerves, really. Because all I wanted was a normal day for us twelve to hang out and catch up with each other. But no, Byun Baekhyun wouldn’t let that happen. He and Jongdae, along with Chanyeol had bought a mini karaoke machine (which I don’t know where they get their hands on it and do people even sell these things anymore?) and pitched in a couple of notes to buy some beers. I won’t be touching any of that before I turned legal.

“Loosen up, hyung.” Sehun shrugged, a can wrapped around his hand. “It’s very rare for us to hang out together like this. We need to enjoy ourselves a bit. The school is wearing me out.” Yeah, comes from a junior who literally sleeps in all of his class. I rolled my eyes at him and looked at Kris. He wasn’t looking back at me so I stared at Minseok and Luhan instead. They were already sharing a can of beer, talking and talking to each other. That left Yixing, which was practically high with his guitar and random notes to accompany Baekhyun’s song. Seeing all the other seniors didn’t seem to mind doing this, I hesitated a bit.

Suddenly, a felt a cold can being shoved into my hand. It was Chanyeol, grinning so widely at me. “It won’t hurt being the bad kid once in a while, hyung. It’s the weekend and we won’t have to worry about being wasted for school tomorrow. After all, I think that you really need to drink up to release all your tension.” Almost convincing but I had never tried to drink before. Not even when my parents were rarely home. It just didn’t stick to me, the idea of being drunk and all.

I shook my head and stuffed my mouthed with some dried squid Yixing happily brought earlier. For the sake of memories, he reminded. Kai who was sitting beside me nudged my ribs, “Hyung, even if you’re not drinking, you can still share with us your problems. Being the school president, head of the books club—” He laughed at that. I rolled my eyes too but it did seem tacky in comparison to Kai’s dance club. “—and the no.1 for the entire school, surely everything comes with a price. Well today, you can let everything go.”

“Being the school president, the head of the books club and the no.1 for the entire school,” I responded weakly, “I think I am used to all of that .” The boys wooed at my choice at word but I merely scoffed at that.

“But being in love with Shim Hanhee is something you’re not used to?” Jongdae cooed, wiggling his eyebrows. They howled even louder, laughing at my probably blushing face right now. Right—Hanhee—well, even the thoughts of her made me smiling. No, I tried not to smile and shook at the boys. No fanboying in front of them, no thanks.

“I am not in love with her.” I reminded them, wondering if I could convince myself that I really don’t. “She doesn’t even let me in.”

“Do you like her that much?” Minseok asked me, smiling in a way that I felt so safe under his care. Minseok is the oldest and yet he doesn’t look like so. So whenever Minseok acts his age (which is a rare case considering how he does his aegyo for a coffee date with Luhan, chases Jongdae around the school for nothing and just being a cute squishy bun everyone loves), I cannot help but to lean on him.

“I never felt this way before,” I half-whispered when the other boys moved to another topic, more on Tao accidentally swung his wushu stick and slapped the principal with it. Minseok chuckled at Tao’s story but I knew he was listening. He edged closer to me, leaving Luhan looking at him like a lost child. I ignored the somehow different look they shared before Luhan nodding his head and focused on Tao’s terrible Korean explanation. Minseok rested himself next to me and patted my thigh.

“Now spill everything,” He smiled.

“What do you want to know?” I asked, cringing at my sudden change of voice.

“Well, how do you come to like Hani? How is she responding to your feelings? What do you know and want to know about her? Stuff like that,” Minseok shrugged and looked at me. “What are you planning to do now? After graduation, what are you going to do? Are you going to continue being in this phase with her?”

“What about you?” I asked him back. Because Minseok was right, I had never thought of the future at all. We’re going to graduate very soon. It sunk differently on me. I don’t know how to react to that. “Have you thought of what you’re going to do next?”

“Soccer maybe,” He tried to laugh but Minseok wasn’t really laughing. Then he shrugged again, “But Luhan wants to do music so I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I took time to analyze the two again.

“Are you two in a relationship?” I asked, I think, a bit too loud because the other boys were staring at us. Minseok seemed taken aback and he quickly blushed, which I found so cute, and he stared at Luhan. It was a brief telepathic conversation, I guess, because Luhan looked away at the same time Minseok does.

“No, of course not, silly,” Minseok gulped, “We’re best friends.”

“Yeah, ‘best friends’,” Sehun suddenly commented, “As in ‘best friends’ with Jongin’s and his dance partner’s case. In which I saw them kissing the other day after practice ended and they claimed to be ‘best friend’. Like Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s ‘best friend’—” Sehun was shut up with a smack from both Chanyeol and Baekhyun and he laughed, brushing the topic off considering the sudden eerie atmosphere.

“So,” Minseok tried to focus on the conversation again. “What about you and Hani? What are you going to do now?”

“She has a problem, Minseok, a very heavy one. And I don’t know if I could let her know that she’s not alone. Because, I think there is more to her than she is aware.” I paused for a moment, “Hanhee, that kid, she seems so alone but actually, she’s friends with most people. I saw her talking to her classmates, I saw her laughing with her friends in the cafeteria, she’s definitely not alone and yet, she looks so solitary. And the way she dresses,” I trailed and Minseok laughed at that. Of course, Hanhee’s infamous style—oversized hoodies with jeans and worn out sneakers, bonus with her messy hair. “And when we saw her at the mall, she can actually look…well, she’s pretty on daily basis but when she take cares of herself like that, she is very beautiful.”

“Does she have problem with money or what?” Minseok asked, this time, a bit distracted because I keep on noticing that he was looking somewhere else. I continued anyway and thought about it. No, I don’t think Hanhee has problem with money.

“She lives in a ridiculously big house. I’ve been there.” I chuckled weakly. Come to think of it, I don’t think Hanhee is even at least in need of money. Even the interiors, the furniture and heck her favorite TV we both spent time to watch together… “And when I checked the students’ list last week, well, I decided to check on hers, just because, and found out that she has never paid her fees late. Always on time, always a clean record, always so…weirdly perfect.”

I was silent. Now that I talked about this, Hanhee does seem weirdly too weird. Like she wasn’t all that but at the same time, she was that. I don’t even understand myself now. Minseok was way distracted now and he finally got up and went somewhere. I didn’t take notice because when I looked at Kris, he was looking over at me worriedly.

“You did what?!” We were in the kitchen now, me facing the counter as I couldn’t bear to look at Kris’ face. Even the last screech I made, I tried to tone it down a bit. Because the other boys were in the other room and I didn’t want them to find out about this.

“I had to.” Kris was unexpectedly calm and it made me even madder. I scoffed at his respond. “Well what do you expect, Suho? You are head over heels for this girl and yet you know nothing about her. I am worried. Even you, yourself admitted that she—” I glared at him and he slowed down. I still don’t want to let the whole world knows that Hanhee cuts herself. I tried to be rational, I really do, but the fact that Kris knows something and that he seems reluctant to tell me about it, I was actually scared.

“You don’t have to do that.” I sighed, calming myself as I turned the faucet on. It would be weird if nothing sounded busy in the kitchen because earlier, I made an excuse that I was going to cook some ramen. “I trust Hanhee. I’m going to help her with this. I am not going to do it in a dirty way.”

“It’s not dirty at all, Suho.” Kris grunted but at the same time, he handed me the cooking pot. I almost laughed but then I realized that we were currently engaged in a serious conversation. “All I did was checking a basic background check on her. You don’t have to be a diva on all this.”

“You sound ridiculously stupid.” I spat. “If I want to, I can figure about this on my own. But I didn’t. And now, you’re showing that you don’t have any trust on me. You’re not confident with Hani. And with the information you have now, you’re going to judge her.” I observed Kris’ face and realization came to me, “Did you tell her—no—did you confront her about her background? Kris Wu, oh my, what did you say to her?!”

“Relax, Suho.” Kris put his hands over my shoulder. I slipped his hands off and pointed at him, trying to say something but suddenly, the door burst opened. It was Tao, rubbing his stomach, about to whine because he was probably hungry but he didn’t. Instead, he blinked at our position now. I, looking like I wanted to kill Kris while Kris, well, he looked like himself.

“I could hear you two screaming and all.” He blinked, “What happened?”

Oh, innocent Tao, “It was nothing. Suho wanted to put pepper inside the ramen so I tried to stop him. But he was craving for something hot so he warned me not to stop him.” I guffawed at Kris’ terrible excuse while he merely shrugged back at me. “I guess I shall not stop him, then Tao?” I wanted to start hitting Kris because obviously, Tao wouldn’t buy his words.

“Okay. You can put whatever you want, hyung.” Tao shrugged and closed the door behind him.

I sighed and returned to the boiling water and shoved the noodle inside the pot.

“You can’t be mad at me. I’m trying to help you out here.” Kris finally said. “I’m doing this because I care for you, Suho. You like a girl for the first time, and I feel like I am responsible to make sure that she’s worthy. If you are still serious about her after you know all of this, then I’ll let you—”

“You can’t control me, Kris.” I said weakly, still facing away from him. “You don’t get me. I like her. I really do. In fact, I think I’m in love with Shim Hanhee. I want to like her as she is. I want to help her, on my own. I want to trust her and let her trusts me. I want a real relationship with her.”

“It’s funny that you think I don’t understand you.” Kris argued back, “Because Kim Joonmyun, you are Joonmyun. You’re not Kai and Sehun, you’re not Tao, you’re Joonmyun and you have to know that I am being serious here. I wanted to help you, and yes, I wanted to help Hani too. But you shouldn’t underestimate what she’s going through right now. You really think that your love alone can heal her? She needs professional—”

“Kris—”

“Shim Hanhee cuts herself, Joonmyun. She’s depressed. Are you willing to give everything up for her?”

“Why do I have to give everything up for her?” I insisted.

“If you let her go, then she’ll get worse. If you are not serious, then she’s going to continue to hurt herself when that happens. She might even commit suicide, Joonmyun. You’re not taking this matter seriously. Though her marks had been neatly repressed, you know it could never be right again.” Kris was serious. He knows things. He knows things more than I do. He understands her.

“I cut myself too. When I was in Canada. It hurt then, it still hurts now.”

I froze on my stance. I didn’t know. I would never know unless he told me. I looked at his hands, the ones which were holding my shoulders. He was wearing long sleeves. Kris always wears long sleeves. How could I not know? How could I not notice? I tried to say something but nothing came out. Only a mere squeak of ‘why’ came out. Kris sighed and let his hands go, took a step back and leaned against the table.

“My family was falling apart. I needed a distraction.”

“Are you okay now, I mean?” I asked, looking straight into Kris’ eyes.

“Sometimes,” He shrugged, smiling at me, smiling and showing his gums. I didn’t know if that’s genuine or not. Now that I knew he struggled so much with life, it made me rethink everything once again. Kris wasn’t happy. He wasn’t happy when he showed that he was doing well. And I, I thought that he was raised with nothing but good and happiness. “You guys help a lot.”

I smiled back at that. “D-do you still—”

“No.” He shook his head. “I wanted to, but no, scars don’t match well with me.” He smirked.

“Who else know?” I still sounded serious. Kris dropped his teasing look and looked down as well.

“Yixing knows, Luhan recently found out and I’m guessing that he told Minseok about it. Chanyeol punched me for not telling him sooner.” He chuckled at that one. “And he actually almost dragged me into a psychologist. I’m okay with it, I guess, because you guys are forever. But with Hani’s case, I’m not telling you that I don’t have any confident in you, it’s just that—” I nodded my head. I knew. And it hurt Kris a lot, talking about families and personal stuff so I didn’t push him. I just knew it.

“So,” He nudged me. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m still going to win over her heart. I’m still going to try, Kris. Because I don’t think I can see her deal with everything on her own. Though she has her own people around her, I still want to be one of them. I am going to try.”

Good. I saw Kris nodding at me and I guess he gave his green light? Before the both of us could speak again, the door creaked opened and Tao walked in. “Is the ramen done? I’m hungry.” He rubbed his tummy while I quickly turned around. All I saw was bloated carcasses of the noodle inside the cooking pot. I shrugged at Kris while he said something in Chinese, making Tao whined in desperation.

“Wait for another 5 minutes,” I smiled at Tao and I heard him groaning in response.