#####

Crouching on the ground with both their elbows propped onto the carpet, Luhan and Namjoo continuously clapped their hands. Rivaled to each other they repeatedly called out to their daughter wrapped in a Stitch costume Luhan had bought from the mart several days ago.

Mi Yun had just learned how to crawl this competition would determine that night’s cook. Obviously neither of them were up to the task, so they put Mi Yun in the middle.

“Come to daddy, your favorite, remember?” Luhan called out.

“You’re not her favorite,” Namjoo mumbled and raised her voice, “come to mommy, Mi Yun! Come here! Come here!”

Slightly leaning over Luhan shoved Namjoo aside, “Come to daddy! Daddy’s right here!”

With a laugh and a smile too much for her to handle, Mi Yun slapped her palm against the carpet before rolling forward to start crawling.

Suddenly heated, both their calls mixed into a kind of chaos and before Mi Yun crawled toward Luhan’s hands he hurried forward to carry her up.

Swinging her through the air she let out a shout and exclaimed, “That’s my girl! Mi Yun loves me most, don’t you? My pretty daughter!”

Namjoo listen to him give her a loud kiss and Mi Yun squealed in utmost delight then giggled.

“Oh please,” Namjoo muttered.

Smirking, Luhan encircled an arm around her waist to pull her over and gave her a peck on the cheek, “I love you too.”

Namjoo reached a hand up to gently smack him on the side of his face before walking out of his hold. He cuddled with her that night and asked for another baby. Sometimes it was a joke and a tease; other times he did want another child.

How great it would have to been if they had double the joy under one roof.

A smile grew over his lips and his eyes opened. A deep sense of calm and bliss swam through him as he moved his fingers to touch Namjoo’s back.

She was still there and still asleep with him in his arms. All the love he had bottled up for her seemed to be leaking and he didn’t think he wanted to mend that broken bottle. The scent of her skin drifted up through his nostrils. Luhan settled his face into the warmth of her neck remaining in his spot for the silence. He wanted to pack her scent into a pocket and carry it everywhere with him, so that wherever he was it would feel as if she was there with him.  

Suddenly filled with desire to look at her he shifted up so that he could take a look at her. Namjoo’s lids were closed and he wondered what kind of things she was seeing in her dreams. Did she sometimes see the days they were back together and wake up wanting to see him?

Removing a hand from her back he paused it over her face before slowly grazing his fingers off her cheek. He loved her…so much.

Namjoo’s head moved due to his touch and her face twitched a little. Luhan watched adoringly wanting to tell her how cute she was. A soft sigh floated from her lips and her hand traveled further up his back tickling him. To restrain from laughing Luhan bit the insides of his cheek, digging his nails into his palm.

The brush of her hand disappeared and his hand became loose when Namjoo opened her eyes. Luhan stared back at her before smiling.

“Morning.”

Namjoo seemed to stare at him a little surprised before drawing her arms from around him. Luhan sat up along with her and listened for her to say something he didn’t catch before getting off the bed to go wash up. It was then that he wished he should have kissed her. He didn’t want to do anything, he didn’t want to go out, but just spend time with her; the two of them alone.

While they walked the streets that afternoon Luhan took her hand into his grasp anyway. He wanted her near and in a sense he wanted to tell her he wouldn’t go anywhere. Namjoo didn’t fight back and seemed to let him do as he pleased, but this made him worry. What if Namjoo was just too tired to put up a stubborn front with him and didn’t care if he took her hand or not?

Luhan ended up gripping her hand.

“You remember Tin, right?” Namjoo asked.

“What about him?”

“Yesterday, he was the one that talked with me.”

Slightly stopping with a turn of his head he glanced at her. Part of him wondered if Namjoo felt guilty and the other half wondered if she really wanted to be honest with him. He wished it was the latter, but it was hard for him to believe so.

“He didn’t say anything of importance,” Namjoo clarified.

Leaving his hand clamped around her he continued to pull her along.

“He’s the owner of that club.”

Luhan paused in his steps again before walking again. This only meant that Namjoo’s part of the plan was working. She was going to talk to someone from that club, most likely Tin, and try to get something on Mario. And he didn’t think he wanted her to do this for him anymore. He didn’t like thinking about how Namjoo would have to approach other men just to protect him.

“Don’t go there alone. I’m not allowing you to go near those clubs,” Luhan lowered his voice.

Namjoo glanced up at him.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Good.”

“But we should go there together.”

Going together wouldn’t make much difference from Namjoo going alone. If they went together, they would still end up acting separately. Those men at those clubs preyed off and only wanted women. They’d want Namjoo whether she was with him or not. Those thoughts made him really upset.

“Luhan.”

“I don’t want to.”

Namjoo’s fingers came loose around his hand and he predicted an attempt to pull away. To prevent it from happening he tightened his grasp.

There was a tiny complaint of pain from her before she told, “My hand hurts. You’re squeezing too hard.”

But he didn’t want to let go or loosen his hold. Namjoo was tough and strong. She could pull away in a split second if he decided to loosen up.

“Luhan,” she called out and grabbed onto his arm, “it hurts. Stop.”

And the way she called his name made his legs a little weak. With just a few words from her, he would side with her at once. Namjoo could do whatever she wanted then. It was difficult to fight against her like this.

As expected, when he loosened his grip Namjoo wrung her hand free and flexed her fingers.

Like a child Luhan reached back for her hand, the tips of their fingers brushing. Namjoo stopped shaking her hand and looked at him as if she didn’t know what it was he wanted.

“I want to hold your hand.”

Namjoo seemed to hesitate and stare at his hand as if they were a kind of strange thing she hadn’t seen before. While waiting he listened to the slow beating of his heart. He was a little anxious and a little nervous, praying and hoping she wouldn’t pull back.

He finally felt her fingers twine themselves through his before their palms touched. Luhan was elated.

A smile scooped his lips up when he took a look into her face to have her glance back at him without so much of an expression. But it was the fact that her fingers were gripping his hand ever so gently that mattered the most. His heart raced a little more as if they were new lovers having their first shot at skinship.

“Namjoo, I dreamt about us this morning,” Luhan told. “You know that state when you’re half-asleep and half-awake? I think that’s what must have happened.”

She turned to glance at him.

“We were playing a game. Whoever Mi Yun went to wouldn’t have to cook dinner,” Luhan reminisced happily. “I won, remember?”

“Mm…I remember.”

When they glanced at each other Luhan gave her another smile, happy that Namjoo also recalled the memory. It meant she hadn’t quite forgotten everything and that meant a lot to him.

#####

Luhan was doing it on purpose. The affection he kept displaying was meant to sway her and it was working real well. Namjoo felt herself inclining to return it. In due time she was caught in between the conflict of pulling away or walking closer.

The nearer he was to her, the more she yearned for some of him. And it scared her so bad that she was feeling this way. Consciously, she was still trying to step away from him but it wasn’t happening.

Her mind was clouded and she still wasn’t sure about which road she wanted to walk at the moment. Whatever she did, it was impossible to dismiss the fact that Luhan was by her side every step of the way. Maybe…that bothered her in the good and bad ways.

As she sat there that late evening waiting for Luhan to finish showering so that when he finished he could help her wash her hair, she turned the ring on her finger over and over. Before marriage she never doubted Luhan’s silly feelings for her. She always thought they’d work out, they’d be together for as long as possible; breakup wasn’t possible. The breakup did happen and she learned how to doubt him, and they weren’t the prettiest nor happiest of things. They were also what she wanted to forget, but never did.

Was hers and Luhan’s love a temporary madness? Something like an earthquake which was meant to subside moments later? Had eternal breathlessness, eternal passion, eternal excitement been fated for them? What was it that rooted them together? False commitment? Understanding?  

Now she had to wonder if Luhan was instigating these thoughts or if she was trying to find a place to put them…all these doubts. What most was that Luhan still gave her butterflies.

The door opened a few moments later and Luhan walked out with damp hair, “Are you ready? I can wash your hair now.”

And as his fingers rubbed the shampoo into her hair a few minutes later she started to feel nervous tension grow as it had the other night. Deep inside, she wanted to know what he was thinking. Was he factoring out the things he’d never done for her before? Was he thinking how else to please her? Was he thinking to play jokes on her, flirt with her?

Namjoo had to think again about what it was that she desired on the outside and within. Honestly, what other people said or thought didn’t quite matter to her. It was one of the reasons why her perception of Luhan didn’t change even when her parents’ did. When her mother told her Luhan wasn’t a deserving man, she still believed that he was good. Luhan hurt her, but she still knew he was a deserving person. Did that make her naïve?

Just because it was like that, did it mean she still wanted to invest in what they might still have?

“Honey.”

“Honey?” Namjoo twisted around from the kitchen counter with crossed eyebrows stunned at the new nickname. “Why are you calling me ‘Honey’?”

She watched Luhan walk in with Mi Yun in his arms, her head resting against his shoulder while she slept.

“Why? You don’t like it?” Luhan questioned. “Can you heat up a bottle? Baby’s going to want one when she wakes up.”

Dropping the knife from her hand she walked over to cup her hand over Mi Yun’s tiny head. “Why don’t you just lay her down so she can sleep comfortably instead of carrying her all over?”

“I want to carry her,” Luhan stated. “She’s my baby.”

Glancing up at him she raised a brow before turning around to start on that bottle, but turned around at his call.

After giving her a kiss he said, “I’ll be in the bedroom. Don’t worry about dinner, after feeding her I’ll do the rest of it.”

Shooting her a smile he turned around to slowly walk away, both of his arms still wrapped around their daughter.

Luhan was a good person. He was a good dad.

When she walked out after her shower Luhan turned her way, dropping his hand onto the bed as if he’d been looking at his ring before she stepped out. Walking over Namjoo sat down with a partial gap between them.

“I was just thinking about Mi Yun.”

Namjoo lifted her eyes up from the ground and turned to look at him.

After another few seconds in silence she said, “Me too.”

Laughter spilled out from their lips at the coincidental moment of common joy and amusement before his gaze slightly changed when their eyes met. Namjoo felt her fingers fold in toward her palm when Luhan leaned in. A soft air of lulled romantic tension unfolded over them as he closed his eyes, parting his lips. As his kiss landed upon her Namjoo felt the butterflies in her stomach eat her up.

Luhan slowly pulled away to look at her as if requesting permission for more, and when she did nothing he kissed her again. Encasing her lips around him naturally, Namjoo felt her hand slide up his chest until her fingers wrapped themselves over the hill of his shoulder. The most affectionate of his feelings seemed to slumber through his lips into as he further closed in on her.

All the doubts she was earlier thinking about faded away just like that.

Climbing onto a bed with a knee between her legs Namjoo felt herself slowly incline back, his hand pressed against her back. Their chests touched and his nose brushed her face when she finally laid back. Namjoo felt her heart gush fire again and clamped his shoulder with her hand. The muscles in her leg contracted slightly as his hand drew itself into her shirt to touch her skin.

Her mind swam in circles unable to find control over the hotness splurging through her. Her heart was thrashing and the wetness between her legs was becoming damp. A few quick kisses touched her jawline, her pulse, and her neck before they heatedly stole her lips again. It wasn’t until Luhan’s fingers made a grab for her shorts in an act to pull them down did her consciousness swirl back.

A strong gasp bellowed out of her lips before she tried to push him off and when it didn’t quite work to her expectation, she grabbed his hands.

“Wait, Luhan, stop,” she breathlessly whispered, an earlier fear of doubt coming back.

Her heart was thudding hard against its cage as Luhan peered down at her and rose. Quickly sitting up Namjoo turned to the side biting herself from inside. She wasn’t…she wasn’t quite ready for something like this.

Running a hand up her face to collect herself Luhan apologized from the side, “I…I’m sorry.”

She couldn’t stay there, not like this.

“I need some air,” Namjoo quickly excused herself and got up.

The heaviness in her mind didn’t disappear even when the night sky covered her from above. The earlier butterflies were good gone and a kind of guilt started to fill her in its place. It was still hard to be with him because she was scared. Namjoo wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment to happen unless she was prepared to invest her emotions into it.

And she wasn’t.

#####

As the door closed Luhan felt like beating himself up. What had he been in such a hurry for anyway?

After a few minutes went by and Namjoo still hadn’t returned he headed out to look for her. It didn’t take him long to find her sitting by the curb. Luhan paused in front of the entrance to stare at her back with hesitation before urging himself forward.

Sitting down by her he apologized again, “If I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. Namjoo, I…”

“I wish I could wear a mask right now,” Namjoo cut him off.

Her eyes remained on the road with her lips slightly parted. When he noticed he greedily wanted to kiss her again.

“Sometimes, I scare myself now that you’re around.” Tucking her knees up to her chest she kind of hugged herself. “Luhan, that night…I was drunk. And maybe…things just kind of happened. I don’t know what kind of things I might have said, but don’t take it to heart.”

Namjoo was drawing a line again. Yet, he didn’t quite believe that she was ‘just’ drunk that night. The things Namjoo said to him said otherwise. She knew a lot more than she was letting on and he was sure he couldn’t believe her.

“I’m not ready for anything with you,” Namjoo went on. “Don’t pin any hope on me. I’m sorry.”

Sorry? Was Namjoo…really apologizing because he had feelings?

“Luhan, lets just be friends.” 

***They both still hold their stubborn end of the string. Argument about what's really holding Namjoo back next!