#####

Luhan sat at the edge of the bed staring at the walls with contempt. His mind was completely overrun by horrendous thoughts of ruining every last chance of Namjoo’s only freedom in Bangkok and watching her enjoy herself in the presence of that person. Anyway, it wasn’t like he was out to hurt her any less than he’d actually do it. The only times he’d ever laid his hands on her were when he’d been affectionate and intimate with her.

He was still angry though. That she’d been with someone else…safe and enjoying herself while he spent hours droning about whether she was dead or not. He hadn’t meant to over worry…it just naturally happened. But what had she been doing all day to return in the evening? Where did she go with that person? What kind of things did they talk and do together?

The curiosities he had never ceased as he sat there. It shouldn’t matter to him, but it mattered and how it mattered bothered him. The bigger part that bothered him was that he couldn’t do anything about it. Besides, they were no longer together. In the past year he wouldn’t have known how many more men she’d gotten to know and if Mi Yun had met those people and if Mi Yun liked them.

What kind of things did Namjoo do in the past year?

Luhan couldn’t forget how locked out of freedom Namjoo had felt when she was carrying Mi Yun and even after giving birth. He couldn’t help, but assume that perhaps Namjoo had taken advantage of being single.

She probably still met with Sungyeol and spent a few hours of the evenings to herself before returning to Mi Yun. Upon this thought he agreed even more that Namjoo probably met with Sungyeol a lot. Luhan had felt wary around him and told Namjoo multiple times not to see him. They argued a few times, but Namjoo never seemed to listen.

A click sounded signaling that the door was being unlocked and when he turned he felt their eyes lock quietly wary of one another. Namjoo trudged forward and dumped her clothes and towel into and across her bags before picking up the phone he’d earlier thrown on the floor. He watched her grab it within her hand suddenly realizing that she probably knew he’d answered when Sungjae called.

Whether she was angry with him or not, she didn’t show. Instead Namjoo walked past him and set the phone onto the table on her bedside. Luhan listened as she pulled the blanket over her and turned away from him.

They still had a wall between them and it would probably stay there forever. It was like a dark blanket guarded by a sheet of poison. No one could get near it enough to tear it down without having to first battle swords and knives. Then there would be a long process required of bleeding and he didn’t think either of them had enough perseverance to deal with all that. And so that wall would stay enact.

As he lay down with his back to her he first listened to her eased breathing. Calm. In and out, in and out. It was the music that rode out the taunting melody of silence before he slept for a bit. When he later turned in the middle of the night his eyes opened and he sighted Namjoo sleeping toward him with her left hand tucked underneath her cheek.

The wind whistled into the room, the warmth of it skimming over the back of his neck. If they were still married he’d probably hug her. Was she still a deep sleeper?

He skimmed her face wondering if she still used the same cosmetics or if she’d changed brands. Hesitatingly, he brought his left hand up sweeping her bangs aside before gently tracing her nose with his finger. Namjoo didn’t move as he did so, so he assumed she was still a deep sleeper. Mi Yun probably had to wake her up if she wanted something. Luhan almost laughed at the thought.

The past year he often lie awake at night staring at his empty right side. Namjoo always slept on his right and him on her left. That spot had been empty and he tended to be lonely. She’d always been there on his right and he’d always felt her presence until their divorce. There had always been a sense of comfort with the way she hugged him and how she tried every once in a while to tickle him by crawling her fingers up his arm.

It had annoyed him with how Namjoo tended to bother him those nights when she’d been unable to sleep, but he was as tired as a dead log. It was always those memories that made him feel more alone than he needed be. And he spent many nights missing it.

Things had been different when he met with her face to face. When he saw her, he felt angry. When he picked Mi Yun up or dropped her off and walked away, he’d start to miss Namjoo then. Or when he was on duty and away from Seoul, contacting Namjoo or writing her e-mails had become so much of a habit he often thought of doing it. Reality would come knocking on the door prodding him to sit back down; reminding him there was no longer a ring on his finger.

But she was here in front of him, on his right as a solid person. His finger dropped down to the tip of her nose hesitating to touch her closed lips.

On those nights when they finally returned home together from duty they often lay together in bed wrapped in each other’s arms. Sometimes they chatted and other times they spent locked in passion. They playfully tugged and pushed for minutes on end determining who’d get top or bottom. Those times when he won over he’d trace his hand down her leg as she bit at his lips to ease her legs apart.

Slipping his hand down to her lips slowly he lightly touched her upper lip. Watching closely for any sign that she was awake he didn’t move for a few seconds. Finally deeming it safe he ran his finger over her lips, taking in its soft texture.

He’d kissed her the other day in the dressing room, but it hadn’t been long enough for him to taste anything. For a while he hesitated before finally leaning forward with his lips parted. Just a quick one, he thought.

Luhan quickly dragged his hand back alarmed when Namjoo hummed a sleepful moan and twisted her head before settling her cheek back into the pillow. A breath of worry heavily eased out of him as he stared at her.

Suddenly afraid for his own well-being he threw the covers off and slipped his shoes on before walking out. He needed some air before he might unintentionally do something he shouldn’t be doing.

Letting out deep breaths and locking his hands behind his head he paced around outside, jumping from here to there. The stars seemed to be laughing at him from above for being so tenacious. Closing his eyes he fought to clear his mind and deeply exhaled a few times.

Ten minutes later he finally made his way back in and as he walked past the bed he saw that Namjoo was still sleeping in the same position. No, he wouldn’t return back to the bed. He might be sorry if he did.

Walking over to his drawer he pulled out his phone and sat down on the chair beside the bed. Holding his phone up and making sure Namjoo was in view he took a picture, another one, and another one. For memory’s sake, he might want to look at them someday.

Upon closing out of his camera he glanced at the wallpaper of his home screen. He hadn’t changed it for a while now. It was still the selca of him with Namjoo in his arms. He’d held the camera so high up they both had to tilt their heads up to look at it. It felt like he’d taken the picture just yesterday before they ended their marriage at the courthouse.

#####

Namjoo woke up quite calmly the next morning. With sleepy eyes she stretched her legs before sitting up. The spot beside her was empty. It was different that Luhan had woken up before she did. When she turned she spotted him asleep in the chair by the bed. She was wrong after all. He still wasn’t an early riser, but why was he sleeping in the chair?

Namjoo shifted away and swung her legs over the edge of the bed then felt her eyes land on the phone.

“What’s with me?” he repeated as if he was offended by her question. “Standing here for four hours straight wondering if you’ve been kidnapped somewhere, harassed, or had your arms broken off! What if Mario’s gang caught you and took you somewhere, killed you, and dumped your body in the lake and nobody would have known?! And what’s with me!?”

“Four hours, huh?” she repeated to herself. He’d waited quite some time. Why hadn’t he waited for her inside instead of standing outside to tire himself out like that? Luhan had serious issues. Then again, it was natural for him to worry since the two of them were both technically in danger. If he was gone that long she’d probably assume he was dead somewhere.

At these thoughts she felt quite sorry.

With a small sigh she grabbed her phone and searched for her phone card before making the call. After a few rings her mom picked up.

“Namjoo? Is that you?” her mother asked.

“It’s me,” Namjoo told.

“How are you? Are you ok? When are you coming back?”

“Mom.”

“What!? I am just worried. Have you found Luhan yet?”

Namjoo made a face and held onto the back of her neck, “Yes.”

“Then come home already!”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t!? You went to find him, you found him; now come back home! Or is it that you still want to be with him and you’re using this whole Bangkok ordeal to prolong your stay there with him?”

She withheld a long sigh, “Stop jumping to conclusions. You know we’re over. I’m never getting back with him.”

“Good! Then come home! Bring him home so Mi Yun can have him and we can have all this over with! How many times have I told you that Luhan will do you no good? What can he do for you now? Please honey, just come back home.”

The apparent worry in her mother’s tone seemed to become visible in front of her. “Ok, now can you please pass the phone to Mi Yun?”

Her mother added another message before she heard her daughter’s voice. “Mommy!”

“Hi, sweety. How’ve you been? Have you been a good girl?”

“I been good girl,” Mi Yun enthusiastically answered and Namjoo could see a big smile on her face. “Daddy?”

Namjoo turned to look at Luhan who was still asleep. “Hold on, sweety.” Turning around Namjoo walked toward Luhan and stared down at him unsure how to wake him. After a long second of hesitating she reached down to shake his shoulder.

Luhan’s head tiredly slipped to the side abruptly and he awoke. Quickly rubbing his eyes he looked up at her.

“What?”

Namjoo held the phone out, “Your daughter.”

She watched his eyes drift toward the phone before he took it from her. As he spoke into the phone she thought she could hear Mi Yun screaming into the receiver as she heard Luhan’s voice. To hear her daddy’s voice for the first time in four and a half weeks must make her so happy. This thought touched Namjoo’s heart with happiness and a little sadness. Then she saw a smile crawl onto Luhan’s face before she turned away as he glanced up at her.

She might cry if she stood there any longer. Calmly walking away she closed the bathroom door after her and leaned against it as feelings of what it was to be a family swept her.

#####

“Daddy come home?” Mi Yun asked.

“I will, I promise. You’ve been a good girl?”

“I good girl! Mommy, grammy, and grandpa teach me good. Daddy teach me good too?”

A smile lit his face up. He hadn’t heard his little girl’s voice for what felt like such a long time now. She still sounded like the happy child she looked. And he thought, Namjoo did a good job raising her.

“Daddy, daddy, grandpa teach me fish. I teach you too.”

“Oh yea? You went fishing? Was it fun?”

“Fun! More fun with mommy and you. Daddy, you bring mommy home?”

“Yea, I’ll bring her.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Mommy promise me too. Then we together.”

The smile on his face shortened and he recalled Namjoo telling him that Mi Yun still hadn’t grasped onto the fact that they were no longer together. He heard a voice in the background before Mi Yun said, “Grammy talk to you. Bye bye, daddy!”

Before he could bid her farewell she already handed the phone over.

“Luhan, is this Luhan?” he recognized Namjoo’s mother’s voice.

“Yes.”

“What are you doing in Bangkok that Namjoo lied to us just to fly so far away to find you!? Don’t you know Mi Yun is barely at the age to be left without a parent!? If not you, she at least needs her mother around. Couldn’t you have been more considerate? If not Namjoo, then Mi Yun!” she scolded.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized.

“Don’t you apologize! This isn’t just any small matter! Whatever you are doing there, get it over with! I’m telling you, if you drag my daughter into any kind of danger I will walk over there myself and drag her back home! If you as so much try to put your hands on my daughter again, I will never let it go. A man who chooses his job over his wife doesn’t deserve anyone! I’m giving you a week to send her back home. I’m warning you, before I complain to your parents. I want my daughter home and you stay away from her when you come back.”

Her mother hung up before he could say anything else. He guessed Namjoo’s family probably disliked him much more than he’d expected.

Luhan turned when the bathroom door opened and Namjoo walked out.

“Done talking already?” she asked.

“Oh…uh…yea,” he nodded and stood up.

When he handed her the phone he wondered what kind of things her mother said to her about him. Did Namjoo heed her mother’s words? She never did before, but did she now? Had Namjoo changed at all after their divorce? In what ways?

“What?” she asked.

Catching himself he shook his head, “Nothing.” He started walking away, but paused and turned around. “Sorry, for getting worked up last night. I…wasn’t thinking.”

Her eyes switched to the ground before looking back at him as if surprised that he’d first apologized. Then without further talk he walked to the bathroom and shut the door. Being angry at her was more like a kind of habit he had when she did things he didn’t like.

A part of him still felt possessive. Maybe it was about time now to really let it all go. Anyway, Namjoo’s mother was right. He also wanted her safe and back home. Mi Yun needed her more than she needed him. Namjoo could teach their daughter things he couldn’t.

“Khao San Road, was it?” he asked after they started down the road after breakfast.

“Oh, yea. It’s a really long street; comes to life at night, but it’s simple business during the day,” Namjoo explained.

Luhan glanced around at all the old stores and sign posts hanging around. It looked a bit dirty, but it was how it just was after all. The uneven cracks in the road filled up with litter made it look as if no one swept the grounds at all. Since they’d gotten there early, no business seemed opened. A few people who looked like tyrants wandered around shooting them glances. Feeling nervous, he kept close to Namjoo and followed her down a narrow strip of what was an alley.

“Are you sure it’s here?” Luhan asked.

“I’m sure.” Namjoo replied without turning back to look at him.    

A pile of garbage bags were stacked atop each other unsteadily and he halted when Namjoo suddenly spun around with a hand over as a terrified cry seeped from her lips. Walking around her with a frown he tilted his head to the side to see a chopped up body of a carcass lying upon the bags. The skinned pig was still fresh; its legs scattered far from it. The flaps of its slit belly had flies swarming into and out of it, and its eyes stared at them through half opened lids.