A/N:

Like promised: the next update for my collection :3 (I don't know if BtS will follow, because the pictures and live updates from the OGS Seoul concert are still haunting my mind lol Q_Q ;; and this story was done already two days ago)
Sad one-shot ahead. I listened to Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans while writing and I must admit I cried a lot. I usually don't cry at my own stories T^T but somehow the song and the story got me so damn sad.
It's around 5400 words long! Like always I'd love to get a comment from you when you're done reading, dear readers <3 because I'm always putting a lot of time and feelings into each and every page. Spare me a minute of your time *puppy eyes*

X. Missing Your Touch [woogyu/lhyun/angst]

Sunggyu wakes up with Woohyun by his side every day. He sits with him at the breakfast table.
They watch TV together and when Woohyun leaves for work, he patiently waits at home for his return.
He’s there when Woohyun come back. He greets him and Sunggyu follows him to the bedroom,
where Woohyun drops his body on the bed. He talks to the other, but Woohyun doesn’t answer,
because he can’t hear him. Sunggyu wants to touch him, but he can’t.

Sunggyu is dead.

When Woohyun wakes up in the morning, Sunggyu is already wide awake. Of course he would never miss it, because he never sleeps. The younger male yawns and stretches himself. Sunggyu can catch a glimpse of his tanned, tone stomach, before Woohyun’s shirt slips down again. The other stands up and shuffles into the bathroom. Sunggyu doesn’t follow him. Instead, he goes to the kitchen. He sits down on one of the chairs and waits for Woohyun to be done. Sunggyu knows that he needs exactly 37 minutes and 18 seconds until he is done. He knows, because he has counted the seconds so many times already and Woohyun always takes the same amount of time, like a clockwork. Sunggyu hates time, because his time has stopped long ago, but yet it flows for everybody else. He can watch it flow when he looks at the changing colors of the sky or when he glances at the clock on the wall or when he notices that Woohyun’s hair has grown longer again. He needs to cut it. Sunggyu wants to tell him that, but Woohyun doesn’t hear him.

Woohyun doesn’t see him.

Woohyun doesn’t know that he’s here.

Every day.

Watching and waiting for Woohyun to notice him.

Waiting for anything, maybe even a postcard from heaven – or hell.

Sunggyu can touch things, when he concentrates really hard. But he cannot touch Woohyun. That fact makes him mad, it makes him suffer and sometimes Sunggyu wishes he could kill himself, but he’s already dead. He cannot die again. He’s tried it.

Sunggyu has tried a lot of things in the past 1849 days.

That’s how long he has been dead. 1849 days, which equals

44376 hours or

2662560 minutes or

159753600 seconds.

159753601

159753602

It’s a fifth of his life that he has spent in this form already. Alone. Unseen. Unheard.

Tortured and lost.

Sunggyu has tried a lot of things during this time.

He tried talking to Woohyun. Fail.

He tried touching Woohyun. Fail.

He tried leaving the house. Fail.

He tried the windows. Fail.

He tried cutting himself. Fail.

He tried drowning himself. Fail.

He tried making a phone call. Fail.

He tried giving Woohyun signs. Fail.

He tried praying to God. Fail.

He tried asking the Devil. Fail.

He tried hating Woohyun. Fail.

He tried hating himself. Success.

Sunggyu looks up from the table, when the bathroom door opens. Woohyun comes into the kitchen next, of course. He will eat peanut butter today, because it is Wednesday and Wednesday is peanut butter day. Sunggyu doesn’t need to look to know that Woohyun will dip the knife into the glass three times, just to brush an extra amount of peanut butter on the bread. He knows that Woohyun will the knife after he’s done.

Sunggyu used to scold him about it, because he could cut himself, but now he can only watch.

A tiny part of him hopes that Woohyun will cut himself with the knife. The part that hopes Woohyun will bleed to death and follow him into the afterlife. Sunggyu wants to take the knife and slam it into his chest-

He snaps from his thoughts as Woohyun stands up from the kitchen stool. Sunggyu doesn’t want to kill him, but sometimes the urges overcome him. He doesn’t want to turn into a vengeful ghost that murders people. He loves Woohyun. He loves watching him every day, although it hurts so much. It hurts Sunggyu to see the younger forget about him. He tells himself that he should be happy that Woohyun is no longer mourning - Woohyun is moving on. But it’s unfair in his eyes, because Sunggyu can’t move on. He is stuck in their apartment and he doesn’t know why. He can’t leave, only watch. It feels like sitting in a cinema and watching a very bad movie. It’s a very long movie, but you can’t leave, because your feet are chained to the ground and you cannot change the plot, because you’re no longer part of it. And there’s no popcorn or ice cream either.

The clock on the wall makes some noise and Sunggyu knows it is time for Woohyun to leave. The younger man stands up from his chair and walks towards the front door. He can’t float or fly, as cool as it looks in the movies. Woohyun puts on his shoes and looks in his direction. Sunggyu’s heart always flutters at this moment, because it feels like he’s looking directly at him, though his eyes are simply glued to a point behind him.

“Goodbye, Woohyun. Have fun at work.” He smiles, though no one is able to see it.

The door closes and Sunggyu knows that he has 5040 seconds until Woohyun returns. He does what he always does at this time. He sits down on the couch and waits for his return. Sunggyu closes his eyes and counts the seconds.
 

Woohyun returns home after 7231 seconds. Sunggyu opens his eyes and stands up from the couch. He is worried because Woohyun never comes home late from work. Although he is a ghost, Sunggyu can easily smell the alcohol in the air. The heavy fragrance seems to surround the younger like a grey fog. It makes Sunggyu dizzy and he’s even more worried, because Woohyun hasn’t touched a bottle of alcohol for one year. Now he can barely walk and Sunggyu wants to catch him when he falls. He jumps forward and stretches out his arms, before his mind can even register that it’s useless. Woohyun falls right through his arms and slumps to the ground. Sunggyu gives the door a little push so that it closes, before he crouches down next to his former boyfriend.

“Woohyun, you can’t sleep here.”

It breaks his heart to see him like this. It’s certainly not the first time. He had seen worse five years ago when his life had suddenly ended. He had seen Woohyun break down. He had seen him trying to cut his wrists to end his life, barely surviving because his friend Hoya had found him in time. Sunggyu had seen him crying night after night while looking at photographs. He had heard him singing their favorite songs and talking to himself because he thought that no one was listening.

Sunggyu is listening all the time. He sees everything – at least what Woohyun does in the apartment – and it kills him again and again. He thinks it’s impossible for a human to endure so much pain, but he is not human anymore.

“Woohyun, you have to go to bed.” He whispers into his ear.

Woohyun mumbles something and tries to stand up. He needs three tries and throws up in between, but eventually he’s on his way to the bedroom.

“Woohyun, wash yourself before you go to bed.”

It doesn’t work this time. The younger man enters their his bedroom and drops his body on the bed. He groans and tosses his body around several times. Sunggyu stays next to the bed and watches over him like a guardian angel. He doesn’t want to think of himself as a creepy stalker ghost.

“Sunggyu…”

He leans forward and watches Woohyun’s feverish face. “I’m here.”

Sunggyu knows that the other is simply sleep talking, but it’s the moment he feels the closest to Woohyun – that moment when he calls his name. It is like a chain that binds him even harder to earth. Maybe it’s the reason why he can’t leave this place, because Woohyun still hasn’t forgotten him.

A part of him is happy. He doesn’t want to be forgotten.

“Don’t leave me, Gyu…”

He moves his fingers over Woohyun’s cheek. “I won’t.”

Sunggyu lies down next to him, when the younger is no longer moving around. Woohyun’s breathing is stable and calm now. Sunggyu watches his sleeping expression and he hopes that Woohyun has a sweet dream. Although the other can’t hear him, Sunggyu sings him a lullaby.

Morning comes again and Sunggyu can stare a little longer than usual, because Woohyun overhears his alarm clock. He can see dark rings under the other’s eyes in the sunlight. A thin film of sweat is on his forehead and Sunggyu counts the drops while he waits for Woohyun to wake up.

The telephone in the living room starts to ring sometime later. He stands up and goes to the next room. The melody is loud, but not loud enough to wake Woohyun from his sleep. He can see an unknown number on the little screen. After a few rings the answering machine reacts.

“Woohyun, why are you not at work yet? Are you mad because of yesterday? I’m sorry, Woohyun. I shouldn’t have kissed you all of a sudden. We were both drunk…let’s just forget about it, okay? Please, at least call me back because I’m worried about you.”

The stranger hangs up and Sunggyu stares at the telephone. He doesn’t know that voice. There’s a pang in his chest when he wonders why Woohyun went drinking with that guy and why did they kiss? Sunggyu bites his lower lip as tears drop from his eyes. He’s a ghost, yet he cries and his heart still hurts and burns and throbs.  Sunggyu is torn between the wish of Woohyun finding happiness again and the fear of being forgotten. It could be his chance to escape this misery, but a part of him doesn’t want to leave. Woohyun doesn’t want him to leave.

Sunggyu deletes the message, because that’s one of the things he can actually do. He bites his thumb nervously. He doesn’t know if the whole mess is his or Woohyun’s fault. He wants to leave and he wants to stay. More than anything, he doesn’t want Woohyun to leave him.

Woohyun never goes to work that day. Sunggyu is still staring at the phone, when the younger finally walks through the living room. Woohyun looks broken and tired. Sunggyu is relieved to see that he’s going to the bathroom first. After a long shower the younger returns to the living room and sits down next to Sunggyu. The left spot on the couch has always been Woohyun’s spot. It’s an unwritten rule between them. Even after Sunggyu’s death Woohyun still sits on the left side. He never lets any guest sit there and sometimes he puts his arm around the backrest like he used to. At times like those Sunggyu feels like Woohyun is putting his arm around him and he feels safe again.

They watch TV together. Sunggyu laughs at the same jokes as Woohyun. Their taste of humor is the same. Strangers and friends used to tell them that they are weird and odd, because they laughed at things that were only funny for the two of them - it’s a couple thing. Sunggyu still loves to laugh with Woohyun. He still loves him so much and he’s only lying to himself, when he thinks that he is ready to go to the next world.

The next day is normal again. Woohyun wakes up in the morning and takes his usual 37 minutes and 18 seconds in the bathroom. Sunggyu waits for him in the kitchen like always. Today is Friday, which means that Woohyun will drink a cup of coffee and eat an apple. Back then, they got the apples from Sunggyu’s mom. She used to send them here, but not anymore. Now Woohyun is probably buying them at a supermarket. He’s still cutting the apple into little bunnies, although it takes some time and wastes some of the fruit. Sunggyu had always asked him to cut them like this. Maybe Woohyun will continue this little gesture even when his ghost is gone.

If he ever disappears.

“Have a good day at work.” He tells Woohyun, when the younger puts on his shoes again and throws his usual look into the corridor before he leaves. “I love you.”

It’s not a lie. It’s a truth that will never die.

Kim Sunggyu loves Nam Woohyun, even in death.

Saturday is something he looks forward to but also despises. It’s a day when Woohyun stays at home most of the time. Sometimes he goes out with friends like Hoya or they visit him in the apartment. The l