Being confused

"I can't sleep tonight, wide awake and so confused
Everything's in line, but I'm bruised..."

Huang ZiTao

To clear some opinions, it's not like I always want to bother others. I don't want to be the annoying guy who follows you around and stalks you when you don't expect it. It's the worst feeling ever and I know from what I am coming from but still.

Why do I do it? Because I need to. There is no other way and I am not sorry.

When Wu YiFan-gege won't talk to me, I will corner him and force him. We need to talk and him running away from me like a scared child won't hold me back. He hasn't changed at all, only growing taller than me, looking more handsome and cool instead of staying cute and innocent.

I still can't believe he talks to girls freely, before he was scared of such things as the other , hiding behind me and rejecting every small pink love-letter our female classmates wanted to give him. He always has been a heartbreaker even without him knowing. I envied him for that. He always looked adorable and friendly but shy and attractive. I was the one having to watch out and stay away because the girls got scared of my looks, nasty eyes looking in my direction for a second before they shoved me into the dirt and ran away.

To somewhere save.

Because I am dangerous. Six years old and then already a danger for others.

My childhood wasn't always as good as in kindergarden days. Having spend time with my only friend, my plush panda for years, my parents and me moved close to my father's new business and there was a mansion right beside our relative small house. A good man and a friendly woman lived there with three boys walking around the house and attending collage and high school.

The youngest among them had been YiFan. A poor boy, teased by his older brothers and mothered by his mom, who wouldn't stop cooing and showing him off towards other married business wifes.

I was younger as him but taller, and I looked more old but he didn't mind me looking creepy. I watched him from our fence, peeking at him when he played with a ball or build sand castles in his big owned playground.

We had a small property compared to our neighbors, the only things I had to play on the small meadow was a punching back hanging of a tree that had strong branches and a swing. Nothing more or less because we only moved there a few days ago and my parents didn't really had the time to make it all feel more homey and child friendly. They had always been busy making money but I understood, then and today.

Wu YiFan had noticed me after two weeks of observing him. I had climbed up the branches of the tree that day and looked over the fence, laughing at him when he fell or hurt himself. He has been so childishy, crying at the smallest wound on his knee, face or hand. He always would run to mommy and cry in her arms.

My mother has never done that, never kissed my hurting ache away and showering me with affection so the pain would go away quickly. Never.

But that didn't bothered me at all. She is a busy woman, trying to make the best out of her job and help father with his business as good as she can. She is a caring wife and loving mother but she just couldn't show it to me all the time, that's all.

"What are you doing up there?", I remember YiFan asking, voice high pitched and eyes wide open like his mouth as he looked straight at me, hands holding a blue ball in his tiny hands.

"Nothing."

"Is this 'Nothing' fun?", YiFan asked, tilting his head and black locks falling over his eyes. He shook his head, long hair falling over his shoulders and he reminded me of a girl. Fragile, delicate, small and carefull eyes watching his surroundings as if any second a monster could jump him.

"It is.", I replied back then, grinning as YiFan pouted and looked at the ground shily. He surly was sorry for interrupting my fun 'Nothing'-time whatever that was supposed to be.

He looked up again after a silent minute and smiled brightly at me. It has been dazzling and I was very thankful that my five years old self was quick enough to grab another branch to keep me on that tree. It was high and I can say now that I had been a little scared of falling down. I had been just a child, not able to control my body that well. I would still growing but my body back than had been still too fragile to not get hurt by falling two meters down into the abyss. At least it looked like that to me in my position on that tree.

"Don't you want to play with my ball with me on the ground?", young YiFan asked but I refused, stubborn staying at my current place before my father called for me to come get dinner.

"TaoZi what are you doing up there?", he had asked me, eyes worried but lips pressed into a thin line as if he had been angry at me. He scared me a little but I couldn't say anything stupid because YiFan had been  there, watching on the other side. I can't say that I can't climb down again on my own.

"Come on, don't waste mother's time. She prepared dinner today, your favorite.", father said, stretching his hands out to get me. I looked over to YiFan who frowned, pouting maybe in disappointment but I couldn't care less. I jumped in my fathers arms and we walked without talking another word into the house.

That evening my mother didn't cooked my favorite dish, she ordered pizza.

But enough of the past, let's move on from it and think about how we can make YiFan understand that you're sorry and want to be friends again. It would be the first step to something more serious and you have to be strong.

Encouraging myself, I start to search for my old best friend. The boy is not in one of the classrooms I already checked. He is also not in the club either. Minseok said I should search in one of the libraries but this school has four of them. Why is this building so big and spacious?

"Out of my way!!", Park Chanyeol screams from down the hallway and the people in the hall quickly make some place for him to burst through the corridor, with a laptop bag in hand, nerd glasses on and a hurried smile on his lips as he nods his head in thanks to the others male student who look after him with narrowed eyes or smiling faces.

Minseok said Chanyeol and Kris will often met and learn together, Kris will tutore Chanyeol on wendsdays and if I remember right, today the both have a date. "Hey Chanyeol. Are you searching for YiFan?", I call and he stops in front of me, panting and nodding his head eagerly.

"Did you maybe see him somewhere? If I get any later he will skin me.", the taller male ask me but I shake my head no, I haven't seen him yet. I am searching for him also, I have to get him to talk to me and not ignore me all the time. Maybe Chanyeol can help me by that.

"I haven't seen him but I help you search for him. Where did you already look?"

"Uhm... I searched the north and east library. The east canteen, the park, the club room and his last class but there he wasn't and I can't find him anywhere. He disappeared but he will get mad if I don't show up soon. He has a temper, I tell you and when I let him wait any more he will ignore me for the rest of the week and I-", Chanyeol starts to ramble and I nod my head, patting his shoulders.

"Alright, I'll look with you. You go to the south and I look in the west section, no worries Hyung.", maybe I have luck and YiFan is in the west library, would make it a lot easier for me. I just need to get ride of Chanyeol, so we can talk alone and undisturbed. "Give me your phone number and I text you when I find him."

"You would do that for me? Really? You are more friendly than I thought at first. You look like a scary kid to me but you are quite nice.", Chanyeol says absentmindedly, fishing his phone out of his pants pocket.

Well nice of you to think like that about me but he isn't so wrong. "I guess..."

"Here is my number, please call me immediately when you find him. I am gonna die if I don't show up in half an hour.", Chanyeol says before he pats my back and runs off to the south.

"Half an hour? Did he search one whole hour for YiFan already? Where is that man?", I grumbled before taking off down the corridor where Chanyeol disappeared but I take another turn that would lead me to the more quiet area of the west.

The west section of the school is reserved for school meetings. The west doesn't has a lot of rooms, more like one big meeting hall that is prepared for the studens population to fit in, thousend of chairs and a stage is set up in the front and only a few door lead to seperated rooms, for other preparation or rest rooms. The library in the west is completely new for me. I heard about the canteen, that isn't visited that much, only a few students that work for the festival committee or have a higher rank in this school eat there. Kyungsoo has went there once and he said he never wanted to go there ever again, the people look creepy and wasted, exhausted and empty. It's like a haunted house without the house and creepy monsters waiting for you to come and get you finally, without the dolls and spiderwebs in the corners. It's reserved for those who work day and night for the school to have a better reputation and organize every single event.

It's enough for me to just walk pass by the glass doors and to see the students look dazed at their books, eyes half lidden and a few pupils sleep stretched out on the tables, blankets covering theír body but nobody seemed to mind. Must be their second home.

With quick steps, I walk towards the big wooden doors where an arrow shows me the letters L.I.B.R.A.R.Y. When I open the doors there is nobody welcoming me like in the other big libraries the school has, there is a reception but the male student who is supposed to work there has his feet up the table, looking at a magazine, when I saw right it's .

Alright we are all human with needs but I am quite positive that YiFan is not here. The whole area looks uncomfortable but quiet. No sound is heard except the rustle of paper pages being turned. It reeks heavily after old and fresh printed books but there is dust in every corner.

It's the best I look around and try my luck first, perhaps YiFan is here and waits for Chanyeol in one of the corners when not the giant certainly will send me a message where it's said that he found YiFan already. 

Half through the library, I have enough of book shelfs, dust in my nostrils that made me sneeze and the dim light of the lamps above me. It's disgusting and I sniff a few times, wiping my hands on my blue trousers because they are getting sweaty and quickly dirty from touching the shelfs. I have seen two people so far. The receptionist and another male who slept in one of the comfortable but dusty beanbag chairs in one corner of the library. That is it, nothing more or less and it's already annoying me. Why is it so difficult to find a 6 feet high man in a school full of asians?

This is the worst, why is it so hard. I just want to talk to YiFan and make things clear, explain myself so we can start from moment number one but he is still as good as he was back then in playing hide and seek. He doesn't even tries to hide from me and here I am searching like a lunatic without him even knowing about my heroic effort.

Slowly giving up, I lazily walk in the opposite direction of where the sleeping student is lying at and there hidden on a small table sits a blonde male, completely absorbed into whatever he is doing. Finally, I can't believe I would have walked out of here without looking in this area. I came so far and now god, thanks here he is. It is YiFan right?

Wanting to find out if I am right, I sneak up behind the person who sits on that table, something in hand and eyes focused on the item.

He hasn't changed at all ,this dork. It's hard not to laugh at YiFa when I stand directly behind him, reading a few pages with him and he still doesn't notice me at all. He is too absorbed in his manga and the funny part is that it's about two boys having an affair with each other? Can it be? It's funny, when it comes to a page where the both boys start to make out in a quite rough manner. So YiFan's style is aggressive and passionate now? I can't hold back anymore.

"You still doing that?", I say, laughing a little when YiFan flinches and shoves the manga in his backpack, face flushed and wide eyes when he looks up at me. HIs jaw drops, eyes wide as plates, mouth forming an perfect 'Oh' sharp as he stares at me for a moment.

Calming down a little from my hysteric laugh, I wip away a few tears that started to escape and look at him questioning with a raised eyebrow. 

YiFan has already focused his attention back to his assignment that he hasn't touched at all until now and acts busy. He almost burries his head in the papers and it only makes me start to giggle again.

"If your brothers knew about your , they would tease you non stop.", I start the conversation before sitting down on the emtpty seat next to YiFan.

He doesn't seems to like it much and flushed bright red when I say that. His hands are clenched into frist and a little bit I am sorry for not thinking about his feelings. It must be hard all this time, hidding his secret from his friends and family so he wouldn't need to deal with the judging stares and loss of acception of his family. They were well known, YiFan will work hard and get his doctor degree and help or maybe even inheir the position of his father. Being the head doctor of their own hospital but who knows what YiFan has planned for his future. Perhaps he changed his childish plans from childhood and stopped hoping.

"Don't you dare...", I hear him mumbles and I lean more in, wanting to hear him probably but the next second I am pushed against one of the shelfs, YiFan's face close to mine. Our nose almost touch but he keeps a little distance between us. The older looks angry, more than that even. His face is red, eyes narrowed to slits and lips pressed into a thin line.

We lock eyes and my laugh is gone instantly. He doesn't looks like the innocent and naïve YiFan I got to know in kindergarden and elementary school. This boy looks fierce, powerful, enraged and more than a bullock ready to bore his horns through my body and tear me apart.

"Don't you ing dare tell anyone about what you just saw.", he treats and I am a little shocked at his choice of words. I am not scared, not at all he only brings me to grin at his attempts but I don't dare to touch YiFan, because I am afraid of making him more angry or even hurt him accidently. Becuase I have done wushu and trained to protect YiFan as child but it got out of hand those last few years.

That's the reason why I am here now, to try and calm down and get the rage and mischievous out of my system. I hurt my best friend enough times to know that I have crossed the line.

"I won't. I promise but only under one condition.", I finally say, still looking into YiFan's deep brown eyes. He gulps, eyes blinking rapidly before he decides to speak.

"And what would that be?"

"Let's be friends again like before." Please don't-

"No way in hell. I won't let you near me again. You will dissapoint me sooner or later.", YiFan shakes his head, eye contact still intact but he shifts in our position uncomfortbaly.

His hand is still gripping onto my uniform shirt, wrinkling it but I can't care less about my appearance at the moment. His knee is pressed against my crotch but that also doesn't matters to me. I like the faint blush decorating YiFan's cheeks when he notice our close position but he doesn't makes an attempt to change it. He remains steady and presses me even harder against the book shelf, causing a loud thump to be heard in the silent library.

Why is he being like this? That is not the Wu YiFan I got to know. I just want him to forgive me alr