It was two days after the incident that he finally regained consciousness. His whole body was sore, his hands heavy. Tao took a deep breath as he tried to open his eyes. He blinked a few times to adjust with the light in the unfamiliar room.

Where was he?

His head pounded badly, and it got worse when he turned his head.

Lifting one hand to his temple, he looked to his left.

There was Baekhyun. His eyeliners were smudged all over his worried eyes and it was obvious that he hasn’t been sleeping right. When his eyes met Tao’s, he looked scared and relieved at the same time.

“Hyung? Where am I?” Tao asked, trying to see properly.

Before Baekhyun responded, Suho appeared from behind the curtain, a soft smile appeared on his lips when he realized Tao has woken up.

“Hey Tao, good afternoon…” he said as he approached and stood on Tao’s bedside next to Baekhyun.

“Hyung, where are we?” the younger asked again, his voice sounded so weird to him.

“We’re at the hospital now,” Suho answered, cupping Tao’s hand in his, “Did you remember what happened two days ago, Tao?”

Tao frowned. What had happened? He looked everywhere, observing all medical equipment around him. He took notice of a bag of blood hanging on a stand next to his bed.

“Blood,” he said, squinting. His head throbbed along with his movements.

Suho nodded, “Yes, Tao, you lost quite a lot of blood. The doctors had to give you transfusion. This is your fourth bag since you were out of the OR,”

“OR?” Tao begun, but Baekhyun’s yell cut his words.

“DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW SCARED I WAS, YOU RECKLESS KID?! I ALMOST GOT A HEART ATTACK WHEN YOU FAINTED IN FRONT OF ME! DID YOU KNOW HOW PANICKED I WAS TO SEE YOU ALL BLOODY AND PALE LIKE THAT?? DID YOU EVEN THINK?! , TAO!!”

“Baek—” Suho started, but Baekhyun hold his hand up to shut Suho up and continued.

“DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THINKING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? WHY DID YOU NEVER TALK TO US? WHY DID YOU DO THAT TAO WHY WOULD YOU HARM YOURSELF LIKE THAT?? I WAS SO SCARED THAT WE MIGHT BE TOO LATE AND YOU—” Baekhyun’s voice cracked, and Chanyeol appeared from behind the same curtain, holding Baekhyun on his back.

“Baekkie..” Chanyeol whispered, staring back and forth between Baekhyun and Tao.

“Hyung...” Tao tried to speak. Baekhyun was not helping with his headache. He reached his free hand trying to get a grip on Baekhyun but the elder was out of his reach.

Wiping his tears away, Baekhyun noticed what the youngest was trying to do so he stepped forward between his sobs, dragging Chanyeol with him. He grabbed Tao’s hand. It was still a little cold, and he was grabbing Baekhyun’s hand loosely between the bandages, hasn’t regained his strength back. Baekhyun glanced at Tao’s contorted face; he knew he was in pain. He just lost so much blood days ago but Baekhyun just cannot contain anything anymore. He had been sleepless for two days, staying at the hospital, worrying whether Tao would be awake. And all of that finally had taken its toll on him.

“Tao, I love you…” Baekhyun sobbed, wiping his tears with his other hand, “We all do.. Don’t you ever, ever, do that again, please.. I'm so scared.. Please..” more tears fell on his cheeks as he tugged on his own shirt.

“Hyung..” Tao whispered, tears started to fill his own eyes as he tried to hold Baekyun harder even though his hand failed him,  “I’m sorry hyung,” he managed to say, “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t.. I.. I’m sorry hyung, I’m sorry..”

Suho motioned for Chanyeol to take Baekhyun out of the room for a while as the latter started to sob violently. Tao and Baekhyun unwillingly let go of each other when Chanyeol pulled Baekhyun with him.

“I am glad you’re awake, Tao,” Chanyeol said softly, giving Tao a smile before disappearing behind the curtain. Tao smiled back at him weakly. He knew that if Baekhyun hadn’t been sleeping then Chanyeol hadn’t either.

When the pair left the room, Suho sat on the chair beside Tao’s bed, hand still holding the younger’s.

“Did you remember what happened, Tao?” he asked with hushed tone.

Tao’s brows connected again, “I remember Bacon hyung and you came and there was blood.. I.. I think.. A cutter was involved?”

“Yes. And your mother’s entire fine Chinas and crystals, to be exact. You don’t have to remember all of them, Tao, but you need to remember that you were doing to harm yourself, and it scared the hell out of us to see you in such state... There were so much blood and you were so pale... We thought we were too late...” Suho explained, reaching to caress Tao’s hair, “We knew it had been so hard for you, baby, and I knew that you didn’t know what to do... But we were really trying to help you and it was so hard to do so when you didn’t let us… What you did, and I won’t sugarcoat it, was very irresponsible of you,”

Tao lulled his head down, staring at his blanked as if it was the most fascinating thing in the room.

Suho continued to run his fingers through Tao’s hair gently, knowing that Tao was trying to think about his words.

Tao finally looked back up, staring into Suho’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, hyung...” Tao frowned, eyes full of regret.

Suho smiled. Tao had understood. He took a deep breath, “May I know what you were thinking?”

Tao hesitated, looking away from Suho.

“Tao?” he called the younger softly.

Tao kept silent, biting his lower lip and Suho knew the other almost cracked. Suho nudged Tao’s hand, smiled and nodded, “It’s alright, Tao, you can tell me anything,” he encouraged.

Tao stared at Suho’s calming eyes again and he felt water filled up his own eyes, “Hyung, I’m tired. I fell tired of waiting and wondering. What was it that I done wrong? Why did Kris leave me? What did I do that made him treat me this way? I can’t figure it out hyung…” Tao blurted, his voice hoarse. Tears ran down his cheeks freely.

“I’m tired of staying awake at night, I’m tired of crying myself to sleep, I’m tired of constantly having him in my mind.. I was.. I wanted to feel something else hyung.. I wanted this pain to go away and for things to get better, but still when I opened my eyes it was always him that entered my mind.. I didn’t get it hyung, I did what he asked me to do, I agreed to everything he had told me, I introduced him to you, and I…” he stopped and struggled for air.

Suho pulled Tao’s oxygen mask and put it around the younger to help him breathe. Tao took a couple deep breaths before continuing, “I just didn’t understand it. My parents, him, why was everyone leaving me??”

“I’m tired hyung.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. Everything was just wrong in my life!” he sobbed, damping his pillow.

Suho moved closer and sat beside settled next to Tao on his bed. He pulled him into a tight embrace, pressing Tao’s head on his shoulder.

Tao had never been exactly an open person. It has never been easy for him to tell anyone what he felt even though he blurted out all kinds of things he thought about easily and sometimes like he has no filter. Suho had noticed it, ever since the day he first met Tao, the younger had not really talked about his feelings, even though he had no problem showing it. He knew it’s going to bite Tao in the someday, but he finally shared to him. This is a big leap for the boy and Suho felt really proud of him. Suho pursed his lips, knowing that Tao himself had never really realized about this himself, but by the way the boy looked, he had relieved himself from a big lump of burden and Suho knew he would only feel better after this.

His train of thought stopped when a hand tugged his shirt.

“Was I a burden, hyung? Was I not good enough? Was I too spoiled? Was I not worth anything?”

Suho frowned at Tao’s questions. His shoulder blade was wet from Tao’s tears but he pulled him even closer. He did not answer, but caressed the dark locks in his hands. He couldn’t smell the usual peachy scent Tao always has. He looked down to meet Tao’s dark, big eye bags, chapped lips and pale face. He looked unhealthy in every way possible.

How long has the thought been in his younger brother’s head? Didn’t he realize that it has been eating him alive?

“I couldn’t tell you before hyung. I don’t want to make you go away like him, like my parents. I didn’t want you to leave me. I didn’t want to lose anyone anymore. But why did it seem no matter what I did I always end up being a burden to people so dear in my life? Why would they leave me? What did I do wrong?”

“Don’t say that Tao,” Suho finally spoke up, “You have done nothing wrong. You need to know that. You are precious in everything you do, in every way you are. There was nothing you could do better, because you have been doing your best. You are never a burden. Not to me, not to everyone else,” he said as he run his thumb across Tao’s cheeks, rubbing the tears away.

“Life was hard, because it’s the way it is. But no matter how much life had taken away from you, no matter how many people walked in and out of your life, you also have people who stayed, like me, Baekyun and Chanyeol, Luhan, Kai and Kyungsoo, never forget us Tao.. You need to remember us, you need to remember that we love you, that I love you,” Suho said softly as he leaned his forehead against Tao’s.

Hearing this, Tao cried even louder. Who is he and what has he done in his previous life to be blessed to have such kind people around him, and how could he forget that and took it for granted?

“Hyung, I’m sorry… I’m sorry... You’re right… I am so sorry…” Tao sobbed, leaning against Suho.

Suho chuckled, kissing Tao’s temple softly, “It’s okay, it’s okay... It’s going to be okay…”

Tao clenched his fingers into Suho’s shirt, pulling it slightly with all the strength left in him as if his life depended on the poor blue material.

Suho smiled as he swayed back and forth, calming the younger, still caressing his locks and now pressing his cheek against Tao’s temple. His shirt was now crumpled and still partly in Tao’s fist, all wet and almost torn but he couldn’t care less. Tao needed him right now and that’s what he’s going to get. So he stayed there and let himself be the rock Tao needed to lean on.

The sky was dark when Tao eventually stopped crying and wiped his face with the bed sheets. His nose was clogged up and his eyes were swollen red. His sniffles died down, coming together with his finally steady breathing.

There was a comfortable silence between them, just like they always shared since years ago.

Tao played with his fingers, and Suho continued to caress his locks, sometimes pressing a kiss here and there to make sure Tao knew he was loved.

Tao was indeed feeling comfortable and relaxed, lighter and at ease now that he had voiced out his thoughts and worries to Suho. He almost fell asleep in the comfort they shared when Suho suddenly spoke.

“Tao, you have other ways to feel. We could go to a trip, and that will make you happy, or we could get Kai drunk and watch him vomit all over the place and get scolded by Kyungsoo and that will make you disgusted and happy at the same time, we can go to the zoo and watch the animals being fed and you know Chanyeol is going to get all excited and upset Baekhyun and they would bicker and you know that would make you happy…” Suho smiled softly, “You know, plenty of things. You just need to let us know, Tao. So we could help, so we could do something, together,”

Tao chuckled at the thought. That sounded nice.

“Would you promise not to do something like this anymore, Tao? And that you would talk about your feelings? Anything. Just say something. Don’t keep it to yourself. It gets you nowhere, right? It doesn’t have to be me or Baekhyun, it could be anyone, but promise me you would do that?” Suho leaned back to stare at Tao’s eyes.

It took him a couple seconds, but he gave a small nod. Yes, he would like to do that, together.

“Good…” Suho said, looking satisfied as he ruffled Tao’s hair, “Please remember that you’d always have us. You’d always have me,” he continued with serious expression.

Tao smiled and nodded again. This time more visible.

He finally saw a light.

His brothers will always be there for him. No matter what.

“We love you, Tao... And don’t chu forget dat!” Suho said, standing up as they heard loud commotion outside Tao’s room.

“Thank you for everything, hyung…” Tao smiled.

“Er.. You might want to reconsider that later. I called Luhan and Kyungsoo just before you wake up…”

“Ehh?? You did what??!!”

“Argh, I’m sorry Tao… Please just remember that I did because I love you!” Suho kissed the top of Tao’s head and tiptoed back behind the curtain that suddenly yanked open, revealing a teary Bambi-like Luhan and Kyungsoo, followed by Kai, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Tao believed Kyungsoo’s eyes could never get any bigger than that.

“HOLY TAO WHAT ON EARTH WAS ON YOUR MIND?!! HOW DID YOU EVEN—“ Luhan started.

“THAT’S WHAT I TOLD HIM! HE SHOULD NEVER—“ Baekhyun jumped in.

“MY BABYYYYYYY!! DID IT HURT? DOES IT HURT NOW? WHERE DOES IT HURT?” Kyungsoo chimed, hands going all over the bed sheets.

“BABY MY ! BABY DOESN’T DO THIS!”

“DON’T CALL MY BABY !”

“WHAT THE ACTUAL WERE YOU THINKING??”

Tao took a deep breath and chuckled. He loved all these people, but this is going to be one hell of a hospital stay.

Tao had decided by experience that seeing light is one thing but moving on is one whole other thing. And to say that it’s hard, is an understatement.

First of all, his head just could not stop pounding. It surely had something to do with the amount of blood he lost, but he finished his sixth bag and it was still there. It was hard for him to move at all, it felt like his body refused to detach from his bed.

Second, his morphine worn off the next day. Tao’s whole body was sore, especially his foot and both his hands. He could not grab anything on his right hand, as it was still hard for him to clench stuff. It was hard to eat with his left hand because he was right handed, and he cannot bend his left wrist to help him blow on his food because it was bandaged. So now his tongue was burnt and he couldn’t eat anything. Which means, more headache.

Third, the bandages, no matter how they were supposed to help him heal, reminded him of what had happened. It reminded him of all the smashing, crying, and all those memories that he wanted to bury deeply. It was stupid, how he decided to hurt himself. Now he had the evidence embedded on his skin, and he couldn’t erase it. He had to live with it.

Fourth, images of Kris were still coming back to him. No matter what he does, they just did.

Five days staying at the hospital and his doctor still insisting on him staying for some more days. Tao’s blood pressure was still low, since he was having a hard time eating. That, and his appetite were not improving. It doesn’t help when you’re given hospital food. Seriously, anywhere in the world, hospital food would still be disgusting.

Thankfully, the hospital where Tao was admitted was the same hospital where Suho was going to do his internship and residency years. So the elder was able to visit him often, including today.

“Hey Tao! How are you doing today?” Suho asked as he went inside Tao’s room.

Tao dropped his spoon to the floor with a loud clang.

“Not good? It’s hard to do anything with your left hand when you’re right handed. That’s the fourth time I dropped my spoon. I am not going to call the nurse for the fifth time for another spoon,” Tao mumbled, his lip formed a pout.

“Haha.. Well I brought you something and you don’t need to eat it with spoon~” Suho sang as he waved a carton container.

“Pizza!” Tao exclaimed, wide smile plastered on his face.

“Yes! Chicken and sausage, your favorite!” Suho opened the pizza box, revealing the warm, cheesy pastry. He handed one slice to the eager kid in front of him, who quickly took a large bite.

Tao’s teeth ached a little since it had been days since the last time he actually had meal, but it didn’t erase the apparent smile on his raven eyes.

“This is so good, hyung! Did you ask for extra cheese?” Tao asked between his munches.

“Of course!” Suho grab himself a slice as he settled on the foot of Tao’s bed.

“Ah this is so good!” Tao motioned for another slice even he was still munching on the last bites of the first slice.

“I’m glad,” Suho smiled, handed Tao another slice and then started to munch on his own pizza.

Tao finished three slices of pizza that evening, rubbing his tummy as he leaned back on his bed.

“Feeling better?” Suho asked, fixing all the mess on Tao’s desk.

“Yes..” Tao smiled a small satisfied smile.

“Has your doctor come and visit you today?” Suho asked again as he bent down to grab Tao’s forgotten spoon from the floor.

“Hmm.. Yeah?”

“Why do you sound unsure?”

“He didn’t look like a doctor. His scrubs had dinosaurs on it, and he’s just too cheerful. He even drew this on my bandage!” Tao twisted his left hand a little, showing a small red poop drawing on his wrist.

“Hahaha!” Suho laughed wholeheartedly at the messy drawing, “Did he said something when he drew that?”

“No, he just did then he told me I need to go on a therapy, and I don’t have to worry because I just need to build castles with wooden toys, and that it would start tomorrow. He showed me some lego pieces from his pocket then he put one under my pillow. I think he’s crazy, hyung,” Tao mumbled, his lower lip jutted forward.

“Hahaha! I think he’s nice,” Suho responded, feeling glad that Tao was perky again.

“No, he’s weird. And his smile was weird too!” Tao exclaimed.

Suho was grateful that Tao’s mood had lightened up a little. Maybe the weird doctor did that on purpose. He laughed again before continuing, “So this therapy, do you want me to company you tomorrow?”

Tao nodded his head. His voice died down a little as he said, “I don’t want to go alone,”

Suho turned to the bed where Tao was laying. The younger was staring at his bandages.

He put the rest of the used napkins and pizza carton inside the trash bin before retreating back to the side of Tao’s bed. He nudged Tao on his side.

Tao looked up.

Suho smiled and tilted his head a little. Tao scooted over to give the elder some space on the bed, who then climbed right away. He pulled Tao’s head to his usual spot on his shoulder, patting it softly.

“You’re never alone,”