It had been a month since Kris left. No texts, no phone calls, and no emails. Not even missed calls or voicemails.

There were no sign in any kind of Kris trying to contact Tao.

Tao himself had not tried to contact Kris either.

He felt rejected. Discarded.

Forgotten.

Why would Kris do this to him? Had Kris been lying about spending time in England studying together? Had Kris been lying about his feelings for Tao?

Tao had spent days awake trying to figure it out.

Why hadn’t Kris contact him? Did he just forget Tao, just like that?

Tao couldn’t shake the thoughts from his head even after weeks, still unable to understand Kris’ action.

It was almost like he was consumed by his own thoughts, because he couldn’t get a hang of it, really. Why would someone told you that he loves you and that he wanted to do all these things with you and that he would wait, just to back out and left without notice?

Was he really that easy to be forgotten and left behind because his parents had been treating him the same way since he could remember?

Tao laughed mockingly. And all of these were after he told Kris what had happened between him and his parents. Isn’t that ironic, if not completely pathetic?

On one of the night he could actually fall asleep since the unfortunate event, he jolted up from his slumber shivering, his body sticky from sweat.

He dreamt of doing things to try and make Kris left him purposefully, even though the elder insisted to stay. Feeling his cold sweat drip from his forehead, Tao screamed. So it really was him? He really was the one that pushed Kris away? It was his own fault this whole time?

Was he the reason his parents never around as well?

But why? Was he so despicable?

He screamed and screamed, pulling his hair and covered his face. He felt cold and alone.

He didn’t realize that Mr. Lee came in to his room and hugged him. He didn't feel the arms around him. He had never felt so alone.

The old man was concerned of the screams that woke him up in the middle of the night. He was concerned of the whimpers and sobs he heard every time he passed the young master’s bedroom. He was concerned of Tao's state in the past month.

He was scared.

When Tao didn’t move in he hold of his arms, and it concerned the man even more if it was possible. Deep frowns appeared on his wrinkled forehead.

Mr. Lee had taken care of Tao since he was a baby and it annoyed him to the core how the young man never smiled anymore, how he was lifeless and turned into someone he couldn’t recognize.

He wanted the young master he knew to return, along with his trademark smiles and pouts, demanding for all kinds of desserts he could think of on the top of his head and ask him to eat it together.

This was not the boy he once knew and it saddened him that he didn’t know what he needed to do to have him back. So he just caressed the boy’s back until he fell back asleep, trying his best to make Tao felt better even though he knew he couldn’t.

Nowadays Tao slept for longer amounts of time. Sleep was like his drug. It was the only way to block Kris’ memory to seep his system.

He slept most of the day, ignoring Baekhyun’s texts and phone calls. Even when the elder decided to visit, Tao didn’t bother to open his eyes. Most of Tao’s activities were done in his bedroom, as he felt exhausted from just being awake. That way, after he finished watching or reading, or whatever he felt like doing, which mostly nothing, he could just fall back asleep.

Tao didn’t even bother to meditate or practice his wushu anymore. He had not meditated even once after Kris left. He tried, but found that it was so hard to calm his heart that he didn’t even bother to try anymore.

On one cloudy day, he got another visit from Baekhyun, this time taking Luhan, Suho, Kyungsoo, and Kai with him. They managed to get Tao to sit up on his bed, shoved some food into his system and made him took a shower. Baekhyun tried to talk to him about his feelings, but all Tao did was cry. It was silent and unstoppable. They were all worried and confused, lost of ideas of what they should say and do. They hugged him together, but Tao didn’t react. Eventually after a while, Suho made everyone gone back home, while he stayed behind to tuck Tao into bed.

As he did so, he heard Tao mumbled, “I’m sorry, please come back”, as the younger sobbed silently. His eyes shut tight together, his fingers gripping his comforter tightly.

Suho sighed heavily. He hated this. He had never liked Tao’s sad expression let alone to actually see him cry and hurt. If only he had some kind of superpower he would use it to make Tao happy all the time for the rest of his life but that was not the case. It also tingles him that Tao was this sad, which means that Tao had always been true to his relationship with Kris; but the fact that the other had gone for a month without contact gave him a prove that it was not mutual.

Never in his life, Suho wanted to hurt anyone, but right now, he wanted nothing other than to somehow hurt Kris equally, as much as he had hurt his Tao.

Suho took his place, sitting on the bed next to Tao and his heart fell as Tao climbed into his lap, throwing one of his arms across his legs and held on to his trousers. Suho felt so sad to see Tao like this. He was still crying, even though Suho was sure he must be tired as hell. Tao didn’t show any sign of stopping the tears anytime soon, so Suho waited until eventually the former fell asleep, repeatedly running his fingers through Tao’s hair, trying to tell the younger that it would be okay somehow. It would be okay soon, because he would be there and make sure it would be okay. Suho kissed Tao’s forehead goodnight, then he left Tao’s house hoping that tomorrow Tao would feel better. 

When Tao was awakened the next day, feeling weirder than ever.

He felt nothing.

With swollen eyes, Tao went downstairs to meet Mr. Lee and the rest of the maids, giving all of them a week off. They were surprised and stunned, as all of them aware that Tao was not in a condition to be left alone. The boy insisted, and they obliged, but Mr. Lee secretly texted their young master’s friend Suho and Baekhyun about what he just asked them to do.

Tao closed the door behind his maids and locked it. He went to the back to get his wushu stick. He brought it inside, and took a deep breath. When he inhaled again, a lump in his throat made his breathing become short and ragged.

With a loud scream, Tao cried all his heart out and started to lift his wushu stick, smashing all fine Chinas he could reach, making the pieces scattered all over the wooden floor. He smashed every single one of them, including the ones his mother loved very dearly. Not satisfied with that, Tao threw the stick into the television, smashing the thing in half.

He was gasping for air when he’s finished, but he has not feel better at all.

He went to the kitchen and threw everything in the cabinet onto the floor. Plates, bowls, mugs, serving containers, pans, and even knives. Sounds of the things as they hit the floor was nearly deafening, as the house was silent with only Tao in it, but the boy didn’t even flinch. He continued emptying the kitchen until everything was thrown. They were scattered all over the place, not leaving any space for Tao to walk.

Trying to leave, he accidentally slammed his own feet onto a flock of glass pieces beneath him.

He stood still as he watched red liquid oozed out from his foot, brows connected, curious, as he still felt nothing. His biceps were tired, yet had not been satisfied.

Continuing his steps through the trails of broken crystals out of the kitchen, Tao lead himself back slowly to his bedroom.

When he got there, he scanned every object, looking left to right, not missing the pictures of him and Kris on his table.

Tao felt a stab in his heart, as he took and examined the said picture.

He brought it closer to his eyes, and glanced at the mirror. He was so happy in the picture, together with Kris, warm in his long arms; unlike the lonely shivering pathetic boy staring back at him from the mirror.

Where was his smile? Had Kris take it away with him?

He threw the picture along with the frame into the mirror, breaking it, sending the debris onto the floor. Tao swept the rest off the table, and ripped the ones he stuck on the wall. He took a cutter from his desk, cutting the rest of the pictures.

When he was done, he took the cutter with him and sat on the corner.

Tao pushed the blade out, and then started to make cuts on his wrist. They were not deep at first. But Tao grew impatient.

He still had not feel anything.

Not pain. Not satisfaction. Why? He wanted to feel something. He wanted to be happy again. Anything but this nothingness, the numbness that was thick in his heart.

He started to make deeper cuts, and blood flowed out of him. Upset, he clasped the blade in his fist.

Why didn’t he feel anything still? Was this what heartbreak feels like, because if it was, then all stories about it was exaggerated, about how it hurts so much and how toothache feels better.

All he felt was emptiness.

Big ugly lump of emptiness.

Why hadn’t Kris call?

What had he done to deserve this?

Hasn't he been a good person?

He slammed his bloody fist on the floor. He hated this feeling. He wanted to be happy again.

With Kris.

His Kris.

But, how?

“Kris….” he whispered, the name felt dry on his chapped lips, like a spell that no longer works.

He leaned himself on the wall, eyes wide open.

He didn’t know how long it was since he started to smash things but he surely felt tired like crap.

His arms felt heavy and his body cold.

Baekhyun and Suho tried to arrive as soon as they received the text.

They met Mr. Lee outside the gate to the mansion, telling them that the maids had been hearing loud crashes and smashes around the house. Telling them to try and get in, Suho drove his car into the front yard.

Baekhyun looked beyond worried as he stepped out of the car and ran to the front door only to find it was locked. They ran around the house to find a way in and managed to climb a window after Suho smashed it.

To say they were surprised was an understatement.

The view greeting them as soon as their foot landed was not pleasant. There were sharp pieces of God knows what scattered everywhere on every visible surface.

As they walked further in, Baekhyun gasped and nudged Suho on the side, pointing at bloody steps going up and the kitchen. Without thinking, Suho ran to the kitchen while Baekhyun ran upstairs.

‘Please be alive, please be alive’ he repeated in his mind, tears threatened to fall.

“Tao!"

Baekhyun barged into Tao's bedroom, face contorted, looking concerned as he had just follow bloody footsteps upstairs. As he saw Tao, he hastily reached the pale boy and examined the scars on Tao's wrist and bare feet. He realized that the younger had metal in his grip, as blood flow out of it like a river. Baekhyun grabbed Tao's fist and tried to open it.

"Tao..." Baekhyun called him again but the boy didn't react.

"Tao, please open your hand," Baekhyun tried to pull Tao's fingers but no avail. Tao's grip was so hard, the more Baekhyun tried to open it, the harder Tao clenched, and the more blood flowing from his hand.

"Oh God, Tao..." Baekhyun grabbed Tao's bed sheet and wrapped it as close as possible to the wound. He started to shiver as he realized how much blood had pooled around Tao.

"Suho! Suho hyung!! Over here, please!"  Baekhyun called Suho frantically.

Baekhyun heard rushing footsteps and Suho appeared not long after, worry all over his eyes as he arrived and saw Tao's condition.

"Hyung...?" Tao whispered as he finally noticed his hyungs' presence, eyes questioning, shifting between Baekhyun and Suho. 

Suho squatted on Tao's side, his shoes soaked in Tao’s blood, "Hello, Tao. It's hyung," the elder glanced at Tao's wounds and all his blood. He took a deep breath and managed to produce a soft calming smile. He put a hand on Tao's shoulder and made him turn his head towards him; succeeded in gaining the younger's full attention. 

Tao's lips were pale. His eye bags are darker than ever, trails of dried tears were visible on both his cheeks.

"Hyung?" Tao looked confused. "What are you doing here?"

"I'd like to borrow your cutter please?"

"What cutter?"

"The one in your fist, Tao, may I?"

Tao looked down to his fist because of Suho's answer. It was still bloody. The said cutter was embedded rather deep in his palm.

"Oh," Tao's eyes widened.

Baekhyun took Tao's hand and remove the cutter as the boy slowly unclenched his fist, staring at the blood. 

"Hyung, bacon hyung, you're here... Do you need the cutter too?" Tao asked, looking even more disoriented. "I'm sorry, I must… have forgot to... return it..."

Baekhyun sighed as he looked to Suho on his right. 

"Hyung, we should treat him," he said with teary eyes. Tao was hurt. And it hurt him to see his younger brother hurt, “We should go,” 

"Yes," Suho nodded then shifted his attention back to Tao, "Tao, would you come with me?" Suho said with the same soft voice, trying to not startle him.

"Hyung, I bleed," Tao said, still facing Suho but his eyes were hollow.

"Yes, Tao. Would you like to treat your hand?" Suho asked him again.

Baekhyun was amazed by Suho's composure. He wanted to yell, to lift Tao and run manically, taking him to the hospital. Baekhyun remained silent as he observed Tao's expression, his hands pressing the bed sheet.

"I.. I.." tears started to fill Tao's eyes and he glanced down to his wounds.

"Tao, look at me," Suho instructed, and Tao stared back at Suho.

"Would you please come with me and treat your wound?" Suho asked again.

"H-hyung..  I..." Tao's words vanished as his eyes drooped shut, falling unconscious on Suho's chest, Baekhyun gasped loudly.

"Baekhyun, tighten the sheets on his wrist, and help me carry him. We should take him to the hospital asap," said Suho as he slipped his hands under Tao's body.

Baekhyun who was shocked by Tao's sudden unconsciousness quickly tie the sheets on Tao's wounds, running with Suho towards the car.

Baekhyun didn't know how they got to the hospital. Suho was driving like crazy and he remembered about calling Chanyeol to meet him at the hospital and to tell they them that they're coming. But the next, he only remembered hugging Tao's limp body for dear life, holding his fingers on the younger's neck every now and then, making sure there was still a pulse. He remembered a faint chant he believed was Suho, telling no one that everything will be okay, that Tao was okay.

Chanyeol were there when they arrived. He yanked the door open to meet Baekhyun's now pale face looking up to his, all teary eyed. Suho jumped out of the car yelling for the paramedics to come. They managed to get Tao out of the car and put him on the hospital bed, running together with the doctor and nurses towards emergency room. Baekyun's heart raced. All their hearts were.

It was when Tao's body disappeared behind the twin doors that Baekhyun fell on his knees, sobbing out loud and praying to heaven that Tao will be okay.