here is the bonus chapter that I promised a while ago, Suho's side of the story. I am warning you, 10K worth of chapter is coming at you. buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Kim Joonmyeon stared at the house he had been living in since the day he was born, watching closely as his uncle locked its front gate once and for all.

He blinked.

There goes his life; the life he had known since he could remember, the way of living he had been taught by his parents, all his memories and likings. All shut away from him.

He glanced at his right, watching the realtor lady put on the “sold” sign in front of his house.

Not anymore.

“Joonmyeon, come!” his aunt called from behind him, urging him to hop into the car where his cousins were in already.

Joonmyeon blinked again.

Why couldn’t he live on his own already? He was a good boy. He was fully capable of making ramyeon by himself. He could manage with rice and seaweed. Why must all those people in that room agreed on leaving him with his uncle? He didn’t really know him, let alone his family. They had always been abroad, and his parents, when they were still alive, never really talk about them, except when they made Joonmyeon wrote those Christmas cards for the Kangs. But they all agreed that he was the only blood related acquaintance he had left, and that he is his only chance of survival. Joonmyeon scowled at the thought. How is it possible when Uncle Kang is just as a stranger to him as everyone else in that green room?

“Joonmyeon,” his uncle’s voice echoed. Lost in his own thoughts, Joonmyeon missed his uncle walking and now standing in front of him, offering his hand, “Come!” he urged with a smile.

Joonmyeon took a deep breath.

Taking once last glance to his house, Joonmyeon finally turned in silence, ignoring his uncle’s hand and stepped into the car.

In the age of 14, Joonmyeon realize that having a roof above your head is not the same with having a home.

Uncle Kang was never mean. He was kind, and his wife’s cooking was always good. She always prepared lunch for him to bring to school, and took him places to get stuff like new clothes and ice cream. His cousins were also very nice, but he couldn’t lie that he felt out of place.

He tried to participate in a lot of activities at school, to make himself felt like he belonged somewhere. But that’s that. After school, when everyone is in their rooms, maybe already asleep, Joonmyeon’s eyes would open wide, feeling lonelier than ever.

It was the first time he made his first cut.

It was small, not longer than 4 centimeters, on the inner part of his arm where his uniform sleeve will hide it during the day. Watching his own blood seeped through the cut made him feel relieved, it was a kind of drug that made him feel high and at ease.

But just like any drug, it made him feel addicted.

Sometimes Joonmyeon would came home early from student council meetings and found the four of the Kangs happily chatting around the dining table, eating cakes or pies he never knew his aunt always made on Saturdays. It was not anyone’s fault. Every mother would want to treat their own children in a special way, different from other kids. Joonmyeon believed his own mother would too, if she’s still here with him. The whole evening, Joonmyeon watch as they topped their dessert with ice cream and smear whipped cream on one another, laughing and chatting, as if there were no third kid living in the house. Maybe they never consider Joonmyeon as one of their own anyway.

The house was already dark when he stood and decided to walk in.

These are the times he would make more cuts, on his shoulder, ankle, upper thigh, upper arm, stomach; all delicate but burning red, staining his clothes with dark red blots and left his whole skin prone and sensitive to even a gust of wind. It was sore to sleep on, but after the initial sting of pain, Joonmyeon found it easier to sleep after he did it. Maybe it’s the false satisfaction or maybe its just because he’s so tired already after the 30 something cuts, but he slept well, letting himself drown in his own sorrow.

Joonmyeon never touched a single dessert anymore since that fateful night, and so Uncle and Aunt Kang stopped getting cakes to celebrate his birthday. He also stopped being the nice and sweet kid he once was. Joonmyeon had decided that there is nothing sweet about his life and reality and so there’s no point trying. He simply steers into the skid, just following and going with whatever life brings him. Joonmyeon became distant, closing himself from the Kangs’ curious eyes, and even he was just as involved at school, nothing has become personal and closer than acquaintance. Joonmyeon barricade himself from another discontent, not wanting to open anything more after hellos and so keeping himself from having to say goodbye. So then at least, when he had to, he can do it with no emotions in the way.

When his 18^th birthday finally arrived, Uncle Kang asked what he wanted for his birthday.

With inscrutable face, Joonmyeon said, “the right to what is mine,”

The next day, he lived on his own; in a small loft close to his school he rented with the fortune his parents left him.

The first time Kim Joonmyeon saw Huang Zitao was a week after he lived on his own. Joonmyeon was walking back from school after yet another student council meeting. He was walking ever so slowly, thinking in his head, what he should buy for dinner this time.

Rain started to fall from the sky, and forgetting his umbrella, Joonmyeon ran into a 7/11 nearby. Patting the remaining water droplets on his shoulder, he decided to get a ramyeon to warm him up while he wait for the rain to stop. After pouring the water into the cup, Joonmyeon sat next to the window, waiting for the noodles to be ready.

“I like ramyeon too!”

Joonmyeon snapped his head to the direction of the voice.

“Who are you?” Joonmyeon asked, raising an eyebrow. Joonmyeon had always made sure to put on this expression whenever he left his house or school, to make sure no one speaks to him. It was easier than literally telling people to back off. It had always been successful for the past four years, until today that is.

It was a boy clearly much younger than him. He was tall, black haired, weird eyed, very clean and neat looking, and very, very… cheerful. Swallowed a gallon of rainbow cheerful. Really not Joonmyeon’s cup of tea.

“Tell me your name first!” the boy exclaimed again, the ice cream in his hand cheekily.

Joonmyeon raised both his eyebrows at the response and spun around, deciding to ignore the boy and check on his ramyeon instead.

He really doesn’t have time for this.

“Hey, I am talking to you!”

“And I am not,” he replied nonchalantly, opening the cup lid and peeking inside.

He would continue ignoring the boy if the latter would just shut up and mind his own business just like any other normal people would do. But of course, just like any deviant person, he couldn’t stay still and be cool. Joonmyeon heard the third dissatisfied mumble and sighed before turning in defeat, “Can I help you with anything?”

The boy smiled, looking oddly satisfied before taking a seat next to Joonmyeon, “I am good. I just need company. My butler sure took a long time picking me up. So I got these too keep me busy!”

Joonmyeon watched in bewilderment as the kid opened his backpack and emptied all its content on the small counter they were currently at; all kinds of snacks and sweets poured out, including containers of puddings, banana milks, and soft cakes.

“Are you going to finish all those?” Joonmyeon asked, still in awe. He’s sure he looked like an oxygen deprived goldfish and extremely unattractive (he is proud of himself for having a rather good looking appearance), but he is truly amazed. Those snacks should be able to feed at least three people but he’s having it for himself? How was it even possible?

The bod nodded excitedly, “They were all my favorites!”

Contrary to what he was intending to do, Joonmyeon chuckled warmly, or rather mockingly, as he watched the boy started to open and eat his treats one by one still not believing he’d be able to finish them all. But true to his words, he just kept on munching each of them like his stomach was made out of freaking durable trash bag. It was barely ten minutes but already the boy interest him like no one else had in the past half of his life, his eyes locked on him in pure fascination and just... joy. Joonmyeon watched and watched, forgetting the existence of his ramyeon until the boy nudged him and pointed at the forgotten cup. For the first time in the past fifteen minutes, he took his gaze off the boy and tried to concentrate on breaking the chopstick and start eating. His mind wander as he chew the already soggy strings of flour, how is this happening? Effortlessly, somehow this boy made Joonmyeon felt like they were no strangers to one another even though the boy was, as far as he can remember, nothing more than a mere outsider in his life. He was cheerful, and very persistent. While his cousins kept their distance with him when he still lived with Uncle Kang whenever he had the same expression on his face, this boy just break past it. Maybe he’s just very ignorant too, but still very different.

At the end they were sitting together, side by side, with the boy sometimes making thoughtless comments about people that passed by despite the pouring rain and giggled by himself, humming a tune very unfamiliar to Joonmyeon and nodding excitedly in rhyme with the song, or making statements about random things that popped into his head. When he finished his sentence with a high tone making it a question, Joonmyeon responded with hums and nods, slurping his ramyeon while simply glanced at the boy in the same amazement and interest.

The rain finally slowed down into small trickles.

A black luxury car appeared by the curbside and a man stepped out with a black umbrella that matched his suit and the car. The boy beside him suddenly exclaimed, “Mr. Lee!!”

Joonmyeon chuckled again, glancing at the man outside, “Your butler?”

“Yes!” the boy hurriedly started to pile the remaining snack and treats into his backpack, including its used wrappers and cups, “Do you want a lift? I can ask Mr. Lee if we can drive you home,” the boy lifted his head from his backpack.

Joonmyeon shook his head, “My house is very close from here, I’d rather walk. But thank you for the offer. Its very nice of you,” Joonmyeon smiled.

The boy nodded, smiling, “What is your name though?  My mom said I should know the name of all my friends,”

Friends? The boy had just met Joonmyeon and now they’re friends?

He didn’t know what him, but he gave out his name anyway, “Joonmyeon. Kim Joonmyeon,”

“Oooh! Kim Joonmyeon! Nice to meet you! I am Huang Zitao!” said the boy, offering his hand.

Joonmyeon eyed the pale hand suspiciously, as if it was an active grenade.

“You do this,” before he could say or do anything, the boy took his hand in his own pale one and shook it repeatedly, “Huang Zitao, Kim Joonmyeon. Kim Joonmyeon, Huang Zitao. Lets meet again sometime! Nice to meet you!” he said cheekily before literally bouncing out of the convenience store towards the said Mr. Lee.

Joonmyeon watched the boy jump and splashed water puddles all around while his butler laughed, opening and closing the car door for him before going around the car and enter from the other side. Joonmyeon kept on watching until the car started to move and finally out of his sight.

When it is, he looked down, watching the hand Zitao just shook and smiled as he felt warmth in his chest for the first time in six years.

“Ooh! Kim Joonmyeon!!” a not so unfamiliar voice sounded and Joonmyeon turned around.

No way.

“Huang Zitao,” Joonmyeon said in amusement, smiling at the boy, “bouncy even without banana milk and pudding. What are you doing here?”

“This is my new school!” Zitao smiled widely, his hands stretched open to both sides, “awesome, right? What are you doing here?”

Joonmyeon laughed out loud, “then I am your orientation committee member,”

“You go to school here?” Zitao gasped, eyes wide.

Joonmyeon smiled at Zitao’s reaction, nodding, “And I am your senior too, so start calling me hyung,”

“Isn’t this supposed to be a pleasant school? I meant nice people goes here, right?”

“Yah! What are you trying to say?!” Joonmyeon slapped the back of Tao’s head, earning laughter from the younger.

“Haha! Sorry Hyung! So you’re the committee member? And you have to take care of every freshmen?” Zitao asked curiously, his eyebrows knotted in concentration.

Joonmyeon nodded again, “Yep, all 180 of you,”

“Oooh! So you’re like our guardian! Can I call you Suho hyung instead then?” Zitao asked with big eyes.

That was the second time Joonmyeon felt warmth, now spreading from his chest to the rest of his body, even to the tip of his fingers, ever since his parents left him. The feeling was weird, almost alien. It was too long since he felt this way and he was not going to complain. The feeling was rather pleasant, no matter how at the same time out of the ordinary. Joonmyeon’s days were usually flat, as he always held back and try to be as emotionless as possible. How this boy appear and lighten his day in a snap of fingers, to him, seemed like enlightenment; maybe its time to feel again.

And the fact that it was Zitao who made him like this easily and effortlessly made his possessive instinct appear. He needed this boy close to him.

Joonmyeon chuckled inside. What is he talking about? He barely knew Zitao.

Again, he didn’t know what got into him, but he nodded.

He knew he did the right thing as Zitao beamed brightly in front of him.

“And you can call me Tao, Suho hyung!” the other said, clapping his hands in satisfaction.

Between his chuckles, Suho managed, “Okay, Tao,”

It had been a year since Zitao came into his life and Suho just realized he had stopped cutting himself. There were no more waking up feeling sore or painful hisses whenever he showered. They were only smiles and laughters; Suho was once again happy. He enjoyed himself more around the boy, and even made an odd group of friends because of him. He noticed this as they hung out in a coffee shop near the school; Luhan was sitting on Zitao’s left. He knew Luhan already since Suho was replacing him as the head of student council last year. Luhan was already graduated and now pursuing a degree in business in a university in downtown Seoul, the same university Suho just got accepted in, but somehow still makes time to meet up with Zitao and everybody else. Next to the deer was Baekhyun. Baekhyun was a sophomore, and was well known all around school for his sassy attitude. He was such a Queen Bee with many people following whatever he does. If today Baekhyun wears a blue cardigan to school, you can always expect the whole school wearing the same thing the next day. He was sitting close to Chanyeol, who once Tao told him that they were in the same class, as well as Kai, who were sitting next to Chanyeol. The three were very close one to another, and often spends time together after school to work on their homework or to play Xbox at Tao’s house. He recognized Chanyeol as a member of the Mathletes, who just won a trophy in regional competition; and Kai as the boy from the dance club who always dance during school breaks wherever he is, even in the line for food in school cafeteria. Kai was sitting with his arm pressed against Kyungsoo’s, a boy from the same year as Baekhyun. He was going to become the head of cooking club, Suho approved of the appointment last week. He looked blank most of the time, but he was friendly and sometimes firm despite the image he gave out to people. He watched around the table as all of them exploded in laughter, and wandered how did they end up on the same place, right here, right now.

All of them obviously have different interests and he was sure that this is the only peer group in their school that’s composed of one alumnus, a senior, two sophomores and three juniors. Then he realized, that the only thing similar between all of them were Zitao.

He was the reason they were here in the first place.

Unconsciously, Suho smiled.

“Yaaaaah, hyung! Why are you smiling suddenly?” Zitao suddenly exclaimed next to him, knocking him back to reality.

Suho blinked rapidly, “What?”

“What were you thinking?” Zitao asked again, and all eyes were on the second eldest.

“Did you just picture someone ?” Kai teased, sipping his lemon tea.

“Kim Jongin!” Kyungsoo slapped Kai’s thigh.

“Hahaha!” Chanyeol laughed derply, pointing at Kai.

“Maybe he’s high,” Baekhyun grinned.

“He’s not Chanyeol,” Kai smirked.

“Kim Jongin!” this time Kyungsoo slapped his shoulder.

“Sugar high? I told you not to order the Crème Brulee shake. Its too sweet,” Luhan reached for Suho’s glass and sniffed it.

“Yah! Earth to Kim Joonmyeon?” Baekhyun called.

“We lost him, guys!” Chanyeol hit the table, earning a shriek from Kyungsoo.

“Hyuuung~” Zitao called again and Suho chuckled at his friends’ antics.

“I was just thinking about how weird you guys are,” Suho smiled, scanning faces around him.

“Ouch, my heart,” Luhan pretended disappointment, squeezing his chest.

Kyungsoo frowned, “What do you mean with—“

Baekhyun looked offended, his sassiness emerged and cut Kyungsoo midsentence, raising his hand, “Just in case you haven’t realized it, we’re a really awesome group of people—“

“By weird he means you, Chanyeol!” Kai cut Baekhyun, grabbing Chanyeol’s iced Americano and sipped it clean.

“Jesus Christ Kim Jongin, be nice to your friends!” Kyungsoo slapped Kai’s chest. Suho was sure Kai’s skin was all red under his sweater already.

“The kind of weird that I like,” Kai corrected, obviously not wanting Kyungsoo to slap him for the nth time.

“I like us too!” Zitao beamed, lifting his cup of orange juice for a toast.

Suho and Luhan laughed together as Chanyeol lifted his empty glass and Kai lifted a teaspoon (earning another “Kim Jongin!” from Kyungsoo,) and clanked them together against Tao’s cup

“They’re the weirdo,” Baekhyun mumbled as he checked on his nails, shaking his head.

Suho knew Zitao meant he liked the six of them, but the tingle in his chest let him know that he secretly wished the youngest meant only the two of them.

Suho just finished leading his last council meeting, which was the main reason why it was so stretched and prolonged because each and every one of his department leaders wanted to say their last words and good lucks for now their former leader. When they finally let him go, he let out a relieved “phew” and smiled when Tao greeted him at the end of the hall with a very cute waving gesture. He was glad to see that Tao was still there waiting even though it took him three hours to conclude the meeting.

“Hey, you’re still here,” Suho said when he reached the bench where Tao had been sitting.

“Why would you think I would leave you?” Tao asked in such a tone as if Suho just question what is one plus one.

It made the elder laugh, “come on, I’ll walk you home, Tao,” he said, grabbing Tao’s hand and pulled him towards the school gate.

He stopped mid action he as felt Tao tugging him back and made him turn, met by the boy’s reluctant face.

“What?”

“Don’t wanna yet. Can we go somewhere first?”

Suho tilted his head, “Why? Aren’t you tired yet? I have made you wait for like, three hours,”

Tao looked really sad for once and the sudden change in his behavior concerned the elder, “Tao?”

“I don’t wanna go home.. Not yet,” he mumbled, looking down to his feet.

Suho felt Tao’s grip in his hand loosened and almost let go. Suho caressed the back of Tao’s hand in encouragement, holding his hand tighter before asking, “Wanna have some bubble tea and waffles?”

Tao looked up to meet his eyes and flashed a smile, nodding.

There was this place near the school that offers a very good waffle selection, claiming that they use recipe and flour genuinely from Belgium. Tao fell in love with the place a few months ago when Suho took him there for the first time. Suho remembered clearly how happy Zitao was and decided to take him there again.

“What do you want to have?” Suho asked, peeking from the menu opened in front of him.

He watched as Zitao stared at his menu blankly.

“Zitao?”

There was no response

“Zitao,” Suho repeated, a little louder. He gained Tao’s attention, the latter stared back into his eyes in question, “Do you want to tell me what you’re thinking?”

“Hyung, if you can describe me in one word, what would it be?”

“What?”

“Just tell me,”

Suddenly Tao looked very dejected and Suho wanted nothing but to replace that expression with the smile that usually grace Tao’s face.

It seemed a bit suspicious to him that the boy suddenly asked something like this, but then there’s no wrong answer in this kind of question, right?

“Hmm then that would be… Lovable,” Suho said the first word that came to his mind with a smile.

“Well I sure don’t feel like it,” Tao looked even more dejected and tears started to fill his eyes.

“Oh no, it was a wrong answer wasn’t it?” guilt crept to his spine and Suho stood to move and sit next to Tao.

Tao started to sniff and instinctively Suho pulled him to his chest, “Hey, baby… What is it?”

“I hate being at home,” Tao said with broken voice, against Suho’s chest, “It was so lonely. The house feels cold, I was always alone, and no matter what I do, they just— and if it’s true, that I’m lovable then how is it that they always left me? I try hard to make them see me, but they don’t. I just hate it. I hate it,”

Suho ran his fingers through Tao’s hair, trying to soothe him while letting him cry. He took a deep breath and he knew what Tao was talking, his parents. So that’s why. Suho sighed, wondering if he’s in a place to say anything about this. He didn’t really have a good experience in the matter anyway, his own parents had passed away and he practically shunned his remaining relatives out. He’s a rookie in this, and so he decided not to say anything regarding the matter.

He believed it was a good fifteen minutes when Tao’s sniffles stopped and he lifted his head, revealing his swollen eyes, “Feel better?” Suho asked with his trademark soft smile, his hand still rubbing Tao’s head.

“Oddly, yes,” the other replied, wiping his eyes. He looked like an elementary kid in Suho’s eyes and this view sparked his protective instinct again. He needed to try harder to keep Tao happy. He decided smile and laughter fits Tao’s face and personality better than tears and discontent.

“I really want to tell you something right now,” Suho decided, “but I think you needed a break before a pep talk. So what if,” he opened the menu again, “we get everything in the menu?”

Oh how Suho absolutely loved the way Tao’s eyes widened in both surprise and excitement.

“Suho hyuuuung, I want caramel pudding! And strawberry pocky, pleaseee~” Tao whined as they walked into the same 7/11 nearby Suho’s place. It was Suho’s last day at school and Zitao wanted to walk him home, spending time together as much as possible before his hyung moved to a new loft he will share with Luhan next to their university.

“For the last time, Tao, I really need to save money for school. I told you I am going to medical school, and it’ll cost me a fortune,” Suho said, standing in front of the ramen rack thoughtfully. Which flavor was it that he ate the last time?

“Is that why you always eat ramyeon? Don’t you feel bored? I told you, come to my house and eat! Why is it so hard to get into your stubborn head? Ugh. Hyuuuung, I want this caramel pudding,” Tao said rapidly, not even stopping to take a breath while pointing at a container behind Suho.

Suho turned and spotted the pudding, “Hmm,”

With no change in his expression, he turned again to pick the ramyeon.

“Hyuuung~ Bbuing bbuing?”

Suho felt his whole body tensed up and froze. What the was that?

He snapped his head towards Tao, “What did you say?”

“Bbuing bbuing~” he watched as Tao smiled cheekily.

Its like electricity ran up his spine and left his mind blank. What in the world did he just witness and why oh why did this boy happen to him? How is it that this person have this charm over him in a way he had never even imagine before? Its like he had no control of his life all over again and Suho almost hated it, if at the same time it didn’t set off the same warmth Tao always ignite in his chest ever since they met the first time.

As a matter of fact, Suho enjoyed it, to say the least. He absolutely loved teasing little Zitao until he jutted his utterly adorable lip and stomp his feet in upset manner, before he finally comply, making the pout disappear completely into thin air and replaced with that smile he had always secretly adored. To be honest, Suho lacked of that strength to say no to Zitao. He knew he was completely and mercilessly defeated since the day they met on that rainy day. He would always give Zitao whatever he wanted, even if he asked for his life.

Putting his scheme into action, Suho frowned, and turned to the stack of ramyeon again.

“Ugh. Fine,” Tao stomped away, settling himself on the stool at the counter next to the window, leaving Suho and his ramyeon alone.

Suho heard him mumbling and swearing and ranting about his pudding (“stupid pudding, why did you have to pose in that rack for me to see and want and look so delicious and when my stupid hyung wont get you for me?”) and laughed internally. He definitely going to miss this part of Tao he usually able to see daily.  He landed the small pudding cup landed in front of Tao and sat next to him.

“There you go,” Suho mumbled, “Don’t pout,” he smiled in amusement, poking Tao’s cheek.

He watched as Zitao’s eyes widened in pure content, throwing his arms around the elder boy, “Suho hyuuuung~ thank youuu! You’re the best!”

Suho hugged him back as he chuckled.

Yes, Suho would give Zitao the world.

The years went by fast. Now Suho was a junior in the university, which meant Tao was on his last year of high school. They were not able to hang out as much anymore, but Luhan and Suho had always try and make time to visit the rest of the boys as often as their assignments allow them to. It had been a dreading three weeks that his assignments go all no mercy on him and he had started missing his little Zitao. The other boy seemed to be very oddly patient and understanding with this, and not call him every freaking five minutes like he did during the first two weeks of Suho being away. Zitao now took his footsteps, being involved in a lot of school activities, and amazingly, still ranked first in his batch (Chanyeol proudly updated his status and tell everyone he scored second and intentionally tagged Kai who scored sixteenth). In their group video call that night, he told them that he was proud of the boys’ achievements and promised to treat them ice cream the next time he’s in town. He was greeted with their obnoxious screams of agreement upon mentioning the idea, and through the same video call Kyungsoo and Baekhyun scold him for encouraging them to be hyper while Luhan just laughed loudly next to him.

Suho just finished his pulmonary lab when his cellphone buzzed and Tao’s face appeared on his screen. He smiled. It was a picture from Tao’s birthday when all six of them ended up sleeping over at Tao’s place, each and every part of their faces were doodled with colorful markers, including the birthday boy’s. Tao that blinked on his screen had cat whiskers and red nose, and still soundly sleeping like baby koala. Stacking his books in one hand, Suho grinned and swiped the screen.

The familiar voice that greeted him made him feel like he had never left in the first place.

“Suho hyung, would you company me to the store to get an iPod? Finally I have saved up enough money!”

“I’d be surprised if you haven’t. You have been making me treat you a lot of food since you told me you were trying to save up money,”

“I so did not!”

“So did,”

“Did not!” Tao insisted.

Suho chuckled.

“Hyung~ can you company me or not?”

“I actually have to stop by the school to legalize some documents for my internship, but after that I need to meet my uncle at his house. So I can pick you up after school and company you to the store, but I might not be able to take you back to your house,” Suho said, checking on his watch.

“Deal! See you, hyung!”

“Are you sure you can go back on your own?” Suho asked as Tao struggled to open his brand new iPod case.

“Uh-huh,” Tao nodded nonchalantly.

“Yah, pay attention when hyung is talking!”

“I am! I was just— ugh what is this case made out of? Transparent steel?”

Suho sighed, taking the innocent iPod case from Tao’s hand, “There’s this thing called seal and it’s on each side of this poor box. You just need to flick it open,” Suho mumbled and returned the case back to the owner, who now beamed happily

“Thank you, hyung~” Tao smiled sweetly, and Suho’s heart melted again at the sight. He really didn’t want to part now but he had to go.

“Are you really sure you can go home on your own? I can drop you and just go straight to the Kangs’...”

“Kangs’?” Tao asked, his face clueless.

“My uncle’s,” Suho answered nonchalantly. It was not the point of his sentence.

“Um, I can go on my own, it’s okay,” Tao returned his attention back to his iPod, examining the booklet that came with it.

“Are you sure you’re sure? It’s cloudy; I think it’s going to rain soon. Are you going to call Mr. Lee to pick you up or do you want me to?”

“I wanna walk,” Tao answered, frowning at whatever thing he was reading

“Are you sure?”

Tao finally lifted his head up and meet Suho’s eyes, “Yes, hyung. Its okay, I can walk. I am eighteen now!” he beamed.

“I know, but you’re still as worrying as a twelve years old,” Suho ruffled Tao’s hair.

“No! You don’t mess with my do!” Tao exclaimed, prying Suho’s hand away.

“You’d still look cute no matter how your hair looked like,” Suho laughed before pressing a kiss on Tao’s hair out of habit, “Are you sure sure though?”

Tao watched Suho fidgets, “Go, hyung, you’re late,” he pushed the elder towards his car, “I’ll be fine,”

Suho stared at Tao, making sure he’d be okay. He had this weird feeling in his chest telling him that he should drive Tao home but he was really late and the boy insisted on walking home. He really had no time to argue with the stubborn boy. He just sighed dramatically and pulled Tao into a brief hug before releasing him and patted his head, “Call me when you get home,”

“Heh,” Tao nodded and smiled, “promise,”

“Put your iPod in your backpack and walk properly home,” Suho reminded as he climbed into his car.

Tao nodded one last time before Suho his engine and drive away.

“Hyung, I am home and I broke my iPod,” Tao’s voice sounded pathetic, which reminded Suho of a hungry kitten.

Suho sighed into his phone as he walked out of his uncle’s house, “I guess its too obvious if I say I told you so?”

“My head hurts now,”

Suho knew by heart that Tao was pouting heavily by now and stomping his feet in displeasure, “Go shower, I will stop by your place and bring you some meds,”

“Don’t wanna,”

“Huang Zitao, you better be dry and warm by the time I get there,”

He was only replied Tao’s mumble of dissatisfaction, “I am so calling Mr. Lee,” he threatened.

“FINE! But my head hurts and I want strawberries,”

Suho chuckled, “I’ll make sure I get some of them too,”

“How did this happen?”

“There’s this guy and he tackled me to the ground and then I dropped my iPod and it’s all broken and drenched and—“ Tao’s story was stopped by Suho stuffing strawberries into his mouth.

“This is exactly why you should have just listen to me when I told you I will take you home. It’s good that your fever is not high. See? This is what happens when you listen to me and shower right after you got all rained on,”

Tao glared at Suho but kept on chewing. He was covered with his thick comforter chest down and Suho had forced him to wear a sweater and as a result, made him looked like a squishy feverish snowman.

“Drink your meds, and sleep. You’ll fell better tomorrow, hopefully,”

Tao pouted, but obliged. He was finally settling himself on his bed and ready to sleep ten minutes later, filled up with fresh strawberries and medicine.

“Hyung,” Tao called from under the comforter as Suho turned off his bedroom light.

“Hmm?” Suho turned and internally squealed at the sight. Tao looked exactly like a giant larva cocoon and he really wanted to squeeze the boy.

“Are you going to go back to your apartment?”

Suho took a minute to remember his schedule before answering, “I don’t have to if you don’t want me to. I don’t have any class tomorrow,”

“Then stay,” Tao managed to mumble before the antibiotics kicked in and pulled him to sleep. Suho chuckled and laid himself next to Tao, caressing his raven hair until he himself fell asleep.

So it turned out that Tao finally befriend this guy whom he hated because he was the one who broke his iPod, and suddenly during his and Luhan’s most recent visit Tao announced to everyone that they were dating. Suho was sure he didn’t see this coming. Is there any part of this that he missed?

But being the supportive (and clearly naïve) hyung he had always been, Suho just smiled and secretly hoping that this so called relationship would end as soon as how it started. This Kris guy didn’t seem like the kind of guy that would interest Tao in the first place; he didn’t have the same aura as the rest of their peer. He was cold and intimidating, a little cocky, he had to point out, and very, very authoritative. And boy, Suho was never exactly wrong about first impressions.

And it was proven true when Luhan called him with urgency in his voice, telling him that Tao needed intervention and big help. The boy was literally drowning in English textbooks and working his off to earn high score on English exam so he can go to England with Kris. Luhan described how he looked like, tired and unenergized and all. By the time they could escape the smothering hands of deadlines, exams and reports, Suho found himself driving with Luhan towards Tao’s house, only to be greeted by Tao, Chanyeol and Kai stuffing their face with all kinds of desserts Mr. Lee had managed to whip while Kyungsoo and Baekhyun try to calm them down and sometimes try and scoop some desserts for themselves between the rapid hand movements of the youngest three. He was relieved for a moment, because at least in that particular moment Tao was back as the Tao he knew.

It ended the next morning though, when Tao ditched all six of them to do some more English exercise and met up with Kris. It seemed that only Luhan, Suho and Baekhyun actually have a hint of what actually is happening while the other three were bickering over their breakfast. Suho had no heart to actually break it to Tao though, he was obviously still inside the love bubble and Suho didn’t want to be the one to pop it.

That day turned out to be a very unfortunate day as it was the beginning of Tao’s breakdown.

It broke Suho’s heart in all honesty to watch Tao cry and scream to the point that he thought it would rip his voice chord. It was even more painful for him to watch the boy soundlessly dry his tear duct, looking lifeless and in no way like Huang Zitao he was once introduced to. That one night, he hugged the boy as he tried to make him sleep, cause with all that crying he definitely needed rest. He rocked him to sleep, while wrecking his head trying to figure out how to make the boy feel better. An idea came to his mind, and reluctantly, he let go of the sleeping boy and tiptoed to make his exit. He needed help from all his friends for this and they better start asap.

It never crossed his mind that it was almost the last time he’d see Zitao.

He drove as if his life depended on it. Nothing matters, not the speed limit, not the traffic light, not the upset car honks surrounding them. He needed to get to the hospital fast or— he didn’t even want to think about it. He glanced at the mirror, almost breaking down as well at the sight of Baekhyun desperately holding Tao’s limp body tightly, blood smeared to his own shirt and face. Suho almost lost his composition, trying to tell no one in particular through continuously repeating that everything would be okay.

It felt like eternity had passed when they finally reached the emergency unit. Stepping on the brake, Suho jumped out of the car and yelled for the trauma team to come and help. He helped Baekhyun pulled Tao out of the car, and lifted the very pale boy onto the gurney. The head of the trauma team yelled for them to bring him straight to the OR and Suho felt his body turned cold. All his medical science knowledge was thrown out of the window and he went straight to panic mode. Is this goodbye already? Not his Zitao, just please.

He ran along with the whole team of doctors, the one with darker scrubs starting to order people around, telling them to have someone ran to the blood department and for the trauma surgeon to be paged. It was a standard procedure and he knew they were all working together to save Tao, but still, as soon as Tao disappeared behind the OR doors and Baekhyun fell in front of him, Suho turned and ran back outside, his whole body filled with rage and regret.

Why would he left him the night before; it was clearly a mistake in his part, why would he ever leave someone who was clearly unstable to be left alone? Why couldn’t he just blurt out that Zitao is losing himself to try and be someone he was not for a very wrong reason? And why did he even left Zitao that day after he bought that iPod when his heart told him not to?

A thousand whys and if onlys ran through Suho’s head as tears streamed from his eyes. He remembered the day he met Tao at school the first time, when the boy asked him if he could call him Suho because he’s a guardian. And for the first time since that day, it was not warmth that Suho felt spreading through his veins, but guilt, for failing to guard and protect his little Zitao.

It was rather hard for Suho to forgive himself, until he decided that he should stop blaming himself and start to focus on the matter at hand, Zitao’s recovery. Doing it on his own didn’t make a suicide attempt any less traumatizing, and Suho knew better that anyone else that Zitao needed his help and well, everyone’s. So little by little, Suho, Baekhyun, and with the help of the crazy attending Dr.Cho Kyuhyun, tried and rebuilt Zitao’s confidence, self-esteem, and self-image, to make him see past how he view himself, that he’s more than whatever he thought of himself. They tried really hard, and opened their arms when Zitao asked if he could move in with them because his house still felt suffocating even it was on lesser extent.

And it worked out like magic, until Kris was back in Tao’s life. Suho wanted nothing but to press a gun against the tall guy’s temple and pull the trigger just because he’s so stupid, but when he watched his expression while he tend to Tao and his fever, he just couldn’t. He, at the end, also learned to see past the image Kris had left in his head and saw the sincerity and genuine concern clearly visible on his face and actions towards the boy they both love. He witnessed the so-called love they claimed to each other five years ago had not withered even a slightest bit.

To be honest, it made him very much jealous. He had been beside Tao for years now, and never once the boy see him the way he sees Kris. He knew Tao had always seen him as a brother and that was the main reason why Suho had never confessed in the first place, but never once he stopped hoping that one day Tao would look at him in that soft and longing gaze the other two had always shared.

Bravely setting his own feelings aside, he invited Kris to stay over, and even let him feed strawberries to Tao, a secret trick that previously only him and Tao shared. But Suho decided, that if Kris still wanted to be with Tao and if the latter would accept him, Kris should treat him right this time and Suho shall help him make Tao happy, even if that means he’s losing the innermost parts of him and Tao he very much treasure.

“Apparently I’m the one who hindered him from all his dreams and goals,” a voice he recognized suddenly echoed in his room, followed by the sound of door closing.

Suho would be surprised of the sudden entrance if he didn’t know who it was. But he did, even without seeing the person.

“Who?” the elder took his attention from the papers in front of him without a change of expression to the boy standing by the door whose head hung low. How Suho hate this particular gesture and expression on Tao. Just like he decided years ago, he still prefer smile on Tao’s face.

“Kris,” Tao mumbled, his lips jutted out. This habit of him would never be gone entirely, even though the foot stomping had stopped.

“I thought you called in from work today?” Suho asked with raised eyebrows.

“I did, but I felt better after sleeping for two more hours and I just want to make sure Chen found the right folder for the meeting, but then…” Tao’s voice disappeared.

Suho smiled knowingly, then walked to the small couch across the room. He patted the space next to him, motioned for Tao to come and sit with him.

Tao shook his head stubbornly, but Suho patted the couch again. At the end he gave in and walked heavily to the couch, throwing his weight on the squishy material.

“What happened?” Suho asked him with the same soft tone he always used towards the other.

He wached as Tao stared at him.

Suho simply smile wider, challenging him.

Tao finally broke their eye contact by staring at his shoes.

“Baby,” Suho called, with a certain tone that he knew Tao couldn’t handle.

Tao finally reacted and took a deep breath, “I heard them talking,” he said with a loud huff, “I heard his part of the story. He said I was the one who limited him from everything,”

He played with his trousers, making insignificant invisible doodles on it. It was amazing how he had turned 23 but still managed to somehow look like a lost 12 years old to Suho.

“Ah..” Suho nodded in understanding, “Did you listen until he finished talking?”

“Why would I listen to him hating me? I left as soon as he said that and went straight here,”

Suho shook his head, “You should’ve listened, Tao. I don’t approve of you eavesdropping, but you should’ve listen until the end of the conversation. It’ll help you understand where his thought came from, letting you know his thoughts as a whole,”

“I know already. It comes from his heart. He actually resent me and all that had happened,”

Suho chuckled, tapping his index finger softly on Tao’s temple, “Perception is reality, Tao. You should’ve listen so you can perceive his perspective better, and thus build your own perception better as well..”

“Reality toys with me too much,” he mumbled in dissatisfaction.

Suho smiled, “Even so, you’re always curious about it,”

“That’s not the point,” Tao said, still pouting.

“It is. If you’re not, you wouldn’t eavesdrop long enough to listen all of that,” Suho grinned, as he rose and sat back behind his desk, back to writing something on those papers.

Tao stared at Suho, piercing his eyes in upset manner. He hated it when Suho is right, like, well, most of the time.

“I hate you, hyung,” Tao mumbled again.

“I love you too, Tao,” Suho looked up and replied carelessly, same smug grin on his face. Suho tried to look not as disappointmented and defeated, smiling even wider to hide his true feelings.

“Do you remember that day, when we ordered the whole thing listed on the menu in that waffle place we always go to?” Suho asked with a soft smile.

Tao nodded, “Like it was yesterday. I still like waffles if you’re thinking to take me there again,”

Suho chuckled, “Do you remember I told you I was going to give you a pep talk but then we were to busy trying to finish everything and sort of forgot it?”

Tao nodded again, “The plates kept on coming, and the ice creams were melting. What did you think we should do?” he said in mocking tone.

The remark set off Suho’s laughter, “Well I know it’s eight years too late, but what I was going to tell you, is to do things for you, Zitao,”

Again, Tao gave out his trademark surprised face that still didn’t fail to amuse Suho. The latter smiled again before continuing, “Try and do things for you. Do things that you wanted. Do things that your heart yearned for. Stop doing things just to satisfy everyone, to fulfill anyone else’s requests thinking it’s yours. Listen to your heart and do what it tells you to do. Do things that would make you happy. You, not anyone else,”

Tao blinked, frowning a little.

“Hyung?”

“Come here,” Suho motioned for Tao to come closer. The boy obliged, still baffled by Suho’s words. Hasn’t he been doing things for himself this whole time?

When Tao was close enough, Suho pulled him to his lap, “I know what’s going through your head right now, and no, you haven’t been doing things for yourself. You had always been trying to be the best at school, to make your parents see you. You tried and work your off, so Kris won’t leave you. You even went to the business school, because Luhan asked you to. But what about Huang Zitao?” Suho pressed his fingers on Tao’s chest, right above his heart.

“What did Huang Zitao want to do?”

“I…”

“Ask yourself that, Tao. Ask your heart. You don’t have to tell me what it said; you just need to do it. Give yourself a chance,” Suho smiled softly.

Tao stared at Suho’s calming eyes, the ones that had been providing comfort and simply endless affection he had always craved for.

Then it hit him.

“Hyung, I… Why?”

Suho knew Tao was having trouble forming proper sentence, and just like any other time, he picked up what the younger was trying to say like Tao had just described it in very sophisticated words that he would understand easily. Suho had learned that with Tao, communicating without words was sometimes easier. He took a deep breath before giving an answer, in which he also realize, was his last chance to tell Tao how he actually felt about thim.

“It’s simple. I love you, Tao. I want you to be happy. And don’t you think what we have here is already beyond words to explain?”

Suho watched as Tao’s expression changed rapidly, from surprised to confused, but then just relaxed and… plain happy; the way Suho always preferred him to be.

“Thank you, hyung, I love you too,” Tao replied with the same adorable smile and cheerful tone that always brighten Suho’s day, and he couldn’t help but ruffled the younger’s hair as usual.

At the end, Tao’s feeling was still the same: to him, Suho was the older brother he loved dearly. Tao didn’t have to say it, Suho had learned to understand Tao’s small gestures and tones in the past years they have known each other. So before he let his feelings go, Suho pressed a rather long kiss on his temple.

“Now, while you’re here, would you get me some coffee downstairs? I need caffeine to go through with all these. So annoying,” Suho pulled himself away from Tao and pushed him off his lap rather reluctantly.

Tao was now standing beside Suho, adorably peeking and trying to understand the unfamiliar and ridiculous sounding words written all over the papers scattered on his desk.

“What are those anyways?” he asked, with that cute voice of his.

“Chores,” Suho replied nonchalantly as he tried to ignore the sting of tears behind his eyes that was threatening to fall and how his heart clenched begging to be tended to.

“Hmm. Hyunnie hyung made you do it?” Tao asked again, tilting his head in curiosity, which was also very much adorable.

Suho sighed, faking annoyance, “Stop being adorable and make yourself useful while you’re here. Coffee,”

“Is it complicated?” Tao asked again, eyebrows lifted trying hard to understand what exactly Suho is doing.

Suho dropped his hand onto his desk and stared at Tao, pointing at him with his pen, “Coffee,” he really needed Tao out of here before he couldn’t hold it in anymore and scar Tao for the rest of his life.

“Alright, alright! Geez…” Tao threw his hands in the air as he turned and exit Suho’s office.

When the door was closed, Suho dropped his pen and closed his face with both hands, letting the tears he had been holding out, along with a painful growl from his chest. He was so hopeless since the beginning and he couldn’t help but think how ridiculous he must have been all along. He wiped his tears dry as he remembered his own words telling Tao to give himself a chance. He had his chance too, and now he needed to give Tao a chance to follow his own heart, even if it was not leading to him.

It was a good half an hour or so after Suho had regained his composition when there was a soft knock in his door. Suho knew instantly that it wasn’t Tao without even lifting his head.

“I am not on call tonight so whatever emergency you have, please page Dr. Yoo,” he said without taking his sight off the papers in front of him.

“Ermm…” the voice was not familiar and Suho lifted his head, “I am not trying to make you attend cases or anything. Are you busy? Oh god what am I saying you look obviously busy, let me just leave it here,” the stranger put two coffee cups and a brown paper bag on Suho’s coffee table and was going to exit, “Sorry, I’d know my timing better next time,” he fidgets, “Well, if there’s a next time,”

The stranger took his attention fully, made a tingle rang in Suho’s chest,  “Wait, stop,”

Suho stood and examined the stranger while the other simply stared back at him, “Who are you?”

“Oh god. This is awkward. I am so sorry. That promised me to let you know about me but obviously being the pain in the he has always been—“

Suho chuckled at the stranger’s endless ramble, “So, let me guess, this , was it Dr. Cho?”

“Yes! Yes, that particular son of a right over there— Jesus, excuse my barbaric language. Oh my God what am I doing?” the stranger made a face and scratched the back of his head.

Suho heard himself laughed, “So, what’s your name then?”

“W-what? Why? What?” the man in front of him stuttered as Suho stepped closer.

“What’s your name? I thought you were going to let Dr. Cho tell me about you, but why don’t you tell me yourself?” Suho smiled, stopping right in front of the man.

“Uh. Okay. It’s Yixing,” the not a stranger anymore answered, “Zhang Yixing,”

“Hello, Yixing,” Suho extended his hand, but Yixing was just staring at his face.

The scene was too familiar, and Suho chuckled at his realization. He extended his hand further and captured Yixing’s hand in his, shaking it repeatedly.

“You do this,” Suho said, with a smile, enjoying the blush that crept the other’s cheeks as he held his hand, “Zhang Yixing, name is Kim Joonmyeon, but my friends call me Suho. Zhang Yizing, Kim Joonmyeon, Kim Joonmyeon, Zhang Yixing. It is a pleasure to meet you,”

“I uh.. Uh.. Nice to meet you too,” the other managed to blurt and Suho laughed. He glanced at the cups of coffee sitting on his desk, “Did you just got me two cups of coffee?”

“Uh! Yes! It’s just that I’m not really sure which flavor you preferred and that little — oh Hail Mary, please pardon my language I am just so pissed at that guy right now, and well, that’s why I got two flavors. But you don’t have to finish them both, I know how caffeine could be very disastrous sometimes, just pick one and throw the other away,” Yixing tried to explain while flapping his hands in all directions.

Suho laughed again, “Better yet,” he smiled, “Why don’t you join me and have coffee together?”

The beam that appeared on Yixing’s face was really capturing, “Of course!” he exclaimed excitedly.

As he sat with Yixing on the couch and listened to his ramblings and stories, responding with occasional chuckle and hums of agreement, Suho realized that maybe this was his chance. When he thought about it, with Tao, it was never really a chance at all. Tao’s heart was with Kris all along. But he was sure; this is his turn to give himself a chance. Promising himself that this time he would not hesitate and doubtful and just give his all, he continued to listen to Yixing with new hope in his heart.

_____________

Author's Note:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS CHAPTER?? kyaa~ please let me know on the comments section! ^^

so yes you know it. the next chapter would be the last. And yes, it would be more than 10K.

nyaahaha comments are loved! yes, I meant you, silent readers! <3

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