Date:  November 24                   

I can’t keep up with this anymore. I can’t deal with a Baekhyun like this. It has only been 3 days, but more than anything, I just wish he would stop ignoring me. It’s to the point that I think I could cry. Nothing has been going right these past two days. Normally I could depend on Kyungsoo and Baekhyun to comfort me, but with Baekhyun practically out of my life, absolutely nothing is working.

I didn’t mention it during these past two entries, but my home’s been a mess these days. Because of my eldest sister. She’s in the dentistry program at Yonsei…or more like…was. It turned out she dropped it and switched out to journalism last semester, when she was only one semester away from graduating. The only reason we discovered is because she’s supposed to graduate soon, and my mom has been probing her for the past month or so. My mom kept trying to get her to buy a dress and shoes for her graduation ceremony, and has been consistently asking for the dates of the ceremony and graduation ball. My sister cracked, and spilt everything. She wanted to pursue writing and journalism. She wanted to become a journalist. She hated dentistry. She didn’t want to spend her life peering into people’s mouths, scratching away at plaque and drilling at cavities.

There was a lot of yelling, and crying and my mom chased after her around the living room with a broom. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that my sister is no longer in the house. She left and is now sleeping at her boyfriend’s apartment. My dad is pretty pissed about that part. He was actually pretty relaxed about her switching out to journalism, but the fact she went to live with her boyfriend…that got him in an uproar. And that ensued fighting amongst my parents. He’s furious that my mom ended up "forcing" my sister to ditch home and go live with a guy. After the initial explosion, it became a cold war. Barely anybody speaks in the house anymore, since my parents don’t talk to one another. They don’t even talk to me…because my mom started to lecture my other sister and I on our futures. I got the biggest lecture obviously, since I’m still clueless as to what I want to go into. My other sister is already in university (her first year) so she got off easily, after promising (many, many times) she would not pull something like my eldest sister. For obvious reasons, I try to avoid being home now, so I only return home from school or Kyungsoo’s place for sleep. Anything to avoid the frigid atmosphere.

Speaking of frigid…that’s an understatement for how Baekhyun has been treating me. After that evening, he has basically been ignoring me. He intentionally avoids me, even. He hasn’t been sitting with us at lunch, and in class he doesn’t look at me. He barely speaks to Kyungsoo. But at least he responds him…Kyungsoo tried to ask him what happened, and why he doesn’t hang with us or barely responds to our KakaoTalk messages. He told me Baekhyun just said he’s busy. That the debate club has competitions soon. And that he does more hours at the hospital now. But he was unconvincing.

I made so many attempts to talk to Baekhyun. Even though he continued to ignore me, I still made the effort to say “hi” and “bye”. I would still offer him snacks and candies, and tried to crack jokes to see that dazzling smile on his face again. But to no avail. Before, we would wait at the bus stop together for our buses, but during these past few days, I saw no sign of him. I tried to grab a hold of him at his locker after class, but he always disappeared so quickly. I just don’t understand. Even if he’s jealous…why does he have to do this? Why is he just ignoring me like I’m not even here anymore? What happened to our friendship? I didn’t ask for this…I didn’t ask for that girl to confess…I’m about to crack. I miss having my friend. I miss him.

Yesterday night, while I was in Kyungsoo’s room doing homework, he tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up from my textbook as he sat onto the floor next to me. With a dead serious expression on his face, he asked if I knew what was going on.

“Chanyeol…did something happen between you two?”

I didn’t speak, pretending to read question 14, like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“I asked Jongin, Sehun, and Junmyeon and they all have absolutely no idea. He’s clearly avoiding you…he doesn’t even respond to your questions. He doesn’t even say hi to you. Heck, he’s not the same with me, nor the others anymore, but at least he says hi and bye.”

I remained silent, just staring at the same question in my book, but nothing was getting processed in my brain. What was I supposed to say? That I like Baekhyun? That I think he’s jealous?

“Yeol…you can tell me anything,” he tugged at my shoulder, “How long have we known each other? I’ve known you since we were five. Five! I’m your best friend. Or well, at least I hope I am!”

I cracked a smile at him then before replying “Of course you’re my best friend.”

“Then tell me. I know you know what’s going on. And I can tell you’re really upset. I know you’re dealing with stuff at home right now too, but you’ve dealt with at home before. You were never this upset."

"Well maybe it's because this time has led to my sister moving out."

"I know you. You’d never be upset to this point. You and I both know this is about Baekhyun. I can't think of any other possible reason.”

"It's just home and pressure of school, " I murmured, avoiding his eyes.

"Seriously? You've been doing better than ever in school since you started actually paying attention in class. And I know that has to do with Baekhyun. Don't give me that bull."

I ended up spilling everything. What the hell. Kyungsoo is my best friend. I trust him. And I believe he would never reject me because of what I feel. He wouldn’t judge me. He was always there for me, since I was young, and vice versa. We grew up doing everything together; played together, studied together, and we had so many firsts together. I couldn't help but dread his reaction a bit but...

I was right. He listened attentively as I spoke, pouring my heart out. And when I finally said the words “I like Baekhyun”, he didn’t even blink. I stopped, just expecting him to react. To say something. But…nothing. I blinked and stared at him.

“Aren’t you…going to say something?”

“Say what?”

“I like Baekhyun,” I repeated, “I like a guy.”

“So?”

“You’re ok with that?”

“What’s wrong with liking him? He’s pretty awesome. Not my type, but I get why you’d like him.”

“You’re not…scared of me?”

“Why would I be scared of you? Because you like guys? What am I supposed to be afraid of? You hitting on me? If you were going to, you would’ve done it years ago. Besides, what’s the difference between a guy liking me and a girl liking me? If I don’t like you I’m just going to deter you just the same.”

I sighed in relief, feeling a weight lift off my chest. Then he continued, telling me something that made my jaw drop.

“Besides…I wasn’t sure how to tell you…I’m glad you told me you like Baekhyun first,” he confessed, “Because I like Jongin.”

I gaped, opening and closing my mouth wordlessly like a fish, and he smiled. I wasn’t shocked he liked a guy too. I was shocked that he liked the little booger.

“I know, I know. You’re wondering why. But I don’t know. It crept up on me. And next thing I knew, I couldn’t help but stare at him whenever I could. His smile. The smell of his cologne. And his dancing…” Kyungsoo’s eyes got all cloudy.

“OOOOKAY Soo. I don’t have an issue with it. You can like whoever you like. Even if it’s that idiot.”

I don’t think I had ever felt more thankful and grateful for him compared to that night. It felt good to let someone know. Someone I could talk to. I felt like someone had lifted a heavy piece of luggage off my back. Maybe not everyone would accept this, or accept the feelings I had for Baekhyun. But I didn’t need everyone to accept it. My best friend accepted it. And that was enough. And you know what? Even if it was about his feelings for the booger that I couldn't comprehend,  I accepted that too.

As for Han Eunseo…the very next day, I looked for her. Sehun told me she was in his last period English class, so I rushed over to his classroom as soon as I got out of my class. Sehun and Jongin appeared, smirking at me as they headed to their lockers. Jongin made ugly kissy faces as he walked away, and I couldn’t help but once again wonder “WHY!?” regarding Kyungsoo’s feelings. I was just muttering under my breath when she appeared. She was chatting with one of her friends, and when I stepped in front of them, she looked up and beamed.

“Hi!”

“Um…hi. Could we talk? Privately?”

She nodded and waved her friend off, who gave her a knowing smile and giggled at me before leaving. Awkward…We moved off to the side of hallway and waited for the crowds to disperse more before speaking.

“You came to look for me!”

“Uh…yes? Sehun told me,” I mumbled.

“I’m really happy,” she blushed.

Uh oh. Abort abort! I had wanted to run away then. I wasn't used to handling stuff like this and if she cried, I would be screwed. I can't comfort people for the life of me. If someone was upset and bawling, I'd be the one standing a metre away, using a broom to pat their back. I stopped myself from backing away and quickly dug into my pocket, pulling out the box.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked at me, confused.

“What?”

“I’m really sorry. I can’t accept this. Or accept what you have for me. I can’t reciprocate those feelings.”

“But…why? I thought…you came to look for me so quickly…because you accepted me.”

“You seem to be a very nice girl. But I don’t really know you. And you don’t really know me.”

“I do know you! I know you play guitar and drums! You’re nice, and funny, and you have two sisters-”

“But that’s just it. What you know is just my basic information."

"I see how you behave with your friends, and I've heard stuff about you. You're always happy and optimistic, you crack jokes to make people laugh, and you're kind to everyone."

I shook my head. Well, I guess I should be sort of glad my facade worked in public.

"Who you like is just your ideals of me. What you heard? Truthfully, it barely scratches the surface of who I am. You just like the idea of me. I’m not who you think I am.”

“But I can get to know you! And you might not know me now, but I can tell you everything you need to know! I’m Eunseo, I have blood type O, I like kittens and baking-”

“I'm thankful for your admiration, but I like somebody else,” I interrupted.

She stopped then, with in an “O” shape.

“Who is it? I…I can be just like her.”

“Look, I’m sure you’d be a great girlfriend…just not mine."

"I'm not good enough for you, am I..."

"That isn't it. If anything, I'm not good enough for you. Really, tt's not so much about each singular person, but the connection that exists between two people," I sighed, "The person I like…is someone who can make me laugh when I’m most upset. Someone who knows when I’m acting, and can tell the difference from my fake smiles and real smiles. Someone I can comfortably be myself with. Someone I’m not afraid to be vulnerable in front of. Because I trust this person. Because it’s ok to not be perfect with this person. Because this person will accept my flaws and stupidity. We can laugh about our own dorkiness, and act crazy in front of each other. We could both do things we normally wouldn’t do, and still feel alright about it. We could spend hours just talking about nothing, or sit in silence, and it wouldn’t feel weird, or awkward. We just fit together. Like two peas in a pod. It’s inexplicable. It’s…it’s just what we have.”

I paused, looking at Eunseo, who looked back at me with sad eyes.

“I should give up then, shouldn't I? What you have with this person is beautiful. I think…I’d like something like that one day."

I nodded in silence as she continued.

"And I hope you let this person know everything you told me. Because if I was this person…I definitely wouldn’t let you go,” she cracked a tiny smile.

“Thanks…Eunseo…”

“Thank you, sunbaenim. For making the effort to explain to me. To even give me all this time so you could let me down easy. I hope you end up happy, with whoever it is.”

"I'm sure your future boyfriend will be a very lucky person. I sincerely hope you find someone who is much more deserving of you than I am. One day, you'll feel what I feel too. And thanks for your well wishes."

She gave me one last smile, took the box from me, and walked off.

…I need to let him know…

A/N: Happy birthday to Baekhyun! =) He's 21 now~
Lots went on this chapter! I was feeling a bit uninspired during the last 2-3 chapters but now, I’ve gotten a lot more ideas. I’m hooked on writing this! I would like to note that up to now, we've only been seeing Baekhyun as some perfect human. This is because through Chanyeol's eyes at this point in time, that's how Baekhyun appears to him. Chanyeol's in his "infatuation" stage; much of the time when we fall for someone, we often end up neglecting a person's flaws until later on in a relationship. So yes, Baekhyun DOES have flaws, but Chanyeol will only reflect on these a little later on. I just don't want people to think Baekhyun is this one dimensional, boring, perfect character.

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