Date:  December 14              

The semester is coming to an end and I can’t wait for classes to end. The talent show is coming up next Friday and we’re thoroughly pumped. But with Christmas quickly approaching, I was also in a pickle to find the perfect gift for Baekhyun. The issue was that we just started, and hell, I’ve never bought anything for a guy before (not for the same purpose or with this type of relationship, anyway). We kept it under wraps though, with nobody aware of the reason except Kyungsoo. He had squawked like a chicken when I told him we were an item, and I was so glad that I had placed my trust in him. I don’t think anyone could be happier for us than myself and Baekhyun. Still, there existed the dilemma of the fact I sometimes felt awkward physically interacting with him. I don’t really know why, since we did spend much of the evening in the park kissing…maybe I’m just still not used to it. But the issue was just there, looming overhead. The fact we kept this relationship hidden helped with that; I sort of had an excuse to not be touchy. But I spotted the slightly hurt looks on his face when I turned him away with the excuse of not wanting to be seen. I felt pretty bad.

Then yesterday, he invited me over to his house while his parents were out for the night. I was admittedly nervous, but really, it was getting ridiculous. We were dating, after all. So we headed to his house together after school with the excuse of working on a project. Kyungsoo gave me a knowing look as we stood outside waiting for Baekhyun to come out.

“Don’t give me that,” I warned.

“Give you what?” He laughed.

“Have fun tutoring,” I teased.

But he scowled then. “I’m not…tutoring him anymore.”

I raised my eyebrows, and was about to ask, but then Baek showed up. Kyungsoo waved and was off before I could say another word. Once again, I realized I had been neglecting my friend.

“I feel bad,” I said as Baekhyun and I sat on the bus side by side.

“For what?”

“Kyungsoo. I think something’s going on. But I’ve been such a bad friend lately, I haven’t asked at all.”

“…it wouldn’t have anything to do with Jongin, would it?”

“How do you know?” I asked incredulously, staring at Baekhyun.

“I…have my sources,” he looked down at his clothes and start picking off imaginary lint off.

“Baek…I feel bad enough being his best friend and not knowing anything…what do you know?”

“I may or may not have spotted something happening in the halls after school,” he responded carefully, “It’s none of my business and I think you should ask Kyungsoo instead. I…don’t think I should’ve seen it.”

--

We ended up in front of the TV watching cartoons. Now that I had several concerns stuck inside my head, I decided it was time to at least try and solve the easiest one.

“Baek,” I had called out.

“Hm?”He appeared from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn.

Placing the bowl on the coffee table, he settled down into the couch on my right and leaned onto my shoulder.

“What do you want for Christmas?”

He paused halfway while reaching for the popcorn. I leaned forward and put the bowl on my lap, leaving him off my shoulder.

“There isn’t really anything I want…”

“Seriously?” I munched on a piece of popcorn.

“There is something though…that I was wondering…” he mumbled.

“What?” I kept my eyes on the TV, my hand in the bowl.

He stood up, took the bowl off my lap, placing it back onto the coffee table. Before I knew it, he had placed himself onto my lap, hands on my shoulders. I froze, wide-eyed as he stared at me.

“What’s going on?”

“Wh…wha…what do you mean?” I stammered.

“Are we dating?”

“Yes…”

“You like me, right?”

“Of course!”

“Then why are you avoiding me like I have some contagious skin disease?”

“I’m…not…” I tried to look anywhere but his eyes, which I felt like were staring into my soul or something.

“Yes, you, are. Look at yourself right now. You’re all tense and you won’t even look at me,” he pulled himself back off me, smoothing out his clothes as he stood up, “ what’s wrong with you? We were kissing and hugging in the park last week. Then as soon as the next day came around, it’s like it didn’t really happen. We don’t even hold hands or anything.”

“Well…we don’t want people to know…so…”

“You keep saying that as an excuse but when we were walking from the bus stop to the house, nobody was there to see. And we’re now in my house, and there’s definitely nobody here except us. So then why do you still push me away? Are you grossed by me? Or you’re grossed out by yourself?”

“No! I just…I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not used to it yet. It’s still…sort of foreign to me…I think about it and I just…” I faltered.

His expression softened and he sat back down next to me. He gently placed a hand on mine.

“Just…don’t think about it. Why think? Just feel, and do it.”

“I…I don’t know…”

“Chanyeol…I’m not even sure what to say to help you. This is new to me too. But I guess I’ve come to terms with it. That I really like you. I don’t have to think about anything. I just know I do. When I see you, I just…feel. I feel excited at the prospect of seeing you. I feel happy when we’re together. I feel my stomach flip when we touch, and I feel like melting when we kiss.”

I was at a loss for words. Once again, I had proved to myself (and him) what a complete idiot I was. How could he be so honest and upfront about all his feelings? He expressed himself in ways that I could never. So I just silently pulled him in for a hug.

“I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. I see it on your face, you’re hurt every time I push you away. But I was selfish. I really do like you too, I just hope you know that,” I mumbled into his neck, breathing the familiar scent in.

“I do know. I know you do. That’s why…I shouldn’t pressure you. Just…go at your own pace,” he whispered back into my ear.

A shudder went down my spine as his lips lightly touched my ear, and before I knew it, my lips were on his, softly melding together. Cartoons were left forgotten and the popcorn sat there, the heat fading away until it became cold. Maybe that’s what he meant. I didn’t think when I kissed him. I just did. Because it felt like my heart was expanding and I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t get enough of feeling like that. And when we finally pulled apart, I couldn’t even remember why I was so stupid, and why this problem had even existed. I drank in the sight of Baekhyun, his cheeks a cute pink and hair messy.

“Maybe I should whisper into your ear more often,” he giggled.

I brought him close to me again and left a chaste kiss on his lips.

“No, you won’t have to.”

He hugged me again, gently kissing my cheek.

“Did you melt into goo yet?” I teased, weaving my fingers through his hair.

“Pfft. Don’t think too highly of yourself!”

We spent the rest of the evening lounging on the couch, his body leaning on my chest and his hair tickling my chin. I kept my arm around him as we fed each other, occasionally exchanging kisses and fooling around with pieces of popcorn.

And so these words will stay in my head, whenever it comes to decisions that are too difficult to figure out. You could spend weeks counting out the pros and cons. But sometimes in life, there are things that in the end just depend on your gut feeling. And it doesn’t always matter what others might think.

Don’t think. Just feel. And do.

A/N: Finally updated! Sorry guys. I was crazy busy with midterms and grad job interviews. But hey, my effort paid off! I got job offers with both firms I interviewed with and accepted one last Monday. So I'm set for grad~ I have about a month and a half left of university, so it's full force ahead; sorry, no guarantees about the next time I update...thank you all for sticking around though!