Date:  November 28                   

I did it. I ing did it.

I just got home and immediately sat down to write down all my thoughts, because I want to have every detail I can remember written down. This is going to be a long entry.

As planned, we went to the library to study for tomorrow’s math test. I did legitimately have to study, and legitimately did need Baekhyun to help me out. But I also did have a different agenda when I asked for the study session…

The past few days have been nice. I was relieved to have Baekhyun more or less back in my life again, and the others are too. Jongin and Sehun even behaved a little more lately. Kyungsoo and I helped shape Baekhyun’s sorry excuse of a lie into a more valid and reasonable story so that the other three would it up without too many questions. We explained to them and allowed them to approach Baek to apologize. Funny enough, he apologized back to them and stated he had felt bad for behaving in such a childish manner. Joonmyun didn’t deserve it at all, since he wasn’t even in the talent show group. Obviously Joonmyun being the nice guy he is, just waved it off, pat him on the back, and told him he was glad everything was alright again.

Anyway, Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and I had our last class together. Baekhyun asked Kyungsoo if he was going to join us for our study session, and he responded that he had to go home and study. In reality he just knew what I wanted to do, and had every intention of helping to make it happen, so he went home to study (or so he told Baekhyun). Us two headed to the local public library with our books, chatting as if nothing had happened previously. I knew I had to somehow direct our conversation to how I rejected Han Eunseo, since Baek didn’t know, but I couldn’t figure out how without making it awkward and weird. Luck was on my side. Who else but Han Eunseo appeared in front of us with two of her friends. I practically gave a sigh of relief as this opportunity arose. She spotted me and gave a little bow and smile, and I waved back in return. She walked off with her friends (who had stared at me for a bit), and Baekhyun and I continued walking to the library. I glanced over at his face and once again saw that empty expression I hated.

“I gave it back,” I started.

“Gave what back?” he turned to look at me.

“The keychain. The day after she…er…confessed. It turns out Sehun had class with her last so I went to find her.”

He didn’t say anything, just looking straight ahead.

“I told her I wasn’t right for her. You know, she doesn’t really know me or anything, and I don’t know her. She took it back and um, ya. It’s all good,” I continued.

“I see.”

We walked in silence as the library appeared in front of us, and a million thoughts were zooming through my head. That was it? That was the reaction I was getting? Maybe I had overestimated myself. Maybe I had been overthinking. It wasn’t a good idea to go through with my plan after all. But then what? Ugh.

Needless to say, it was incredibly difficult for me to focus on studying this evening. I tried my best, and paid careful attention when Baek was helping me out, but I knew I would be happy if I was just able to pass the test at this point. I could hear increasing buzzing in my ears and my heartbeats become more and more irregular as each hour passed. I had no guts, clearly. I had already been nervous as hell before. His lack of reaction to the whole Eunseo thing just poked me right to the edge of a cliff. I needed an opening or something.

“You okay, Yeol?” Baekhyun waved his hand in front of my face.

I hadn’t realized I had been daydreaming, just staring at Baekhyun as he read over his notes and jotted things down. I shook my head to get myself out of my daze.

“Ya, ya. I’m fine.”

“You sure? You looked like you blanked out.”

“Ya I just…too much studying I guess. My brain feels fried,” I lied easily.

“Let’s take a break then,” he smiled and closed his notebook, “Let’s talk.”

“Okay sure,” I slapped my book closed, “What do you want to talk about?”

“Um…I don’t know…”

I thought about it for a bit but then Baekhyun spoke.

“Actually…I was wondering…how come you turned Han Eunseo down? Well, if you don’t mind telling me, that is,” he blabbered, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. That’s fine, it’s not really any of my business-“

“No I can tell you. It’s fine. I said before already we don’t know each other.”

“She’s very pretty and seems very nice though.”

“She is. But she’s not really my type either. Dating her would probably make me feel like her older brother or babysitter.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Again. That’s just based on what I know.”

“Everyone starts as strangers, right? Like us? You guys could get to know each other better…”

“Do you want me to go out with her? Did you want me to say yes?” I stared intently at him now.

“Well-I-no-I mean-“ he stammered, cheeks heating up.

“When I gave it back…she asked the same thing. We could know each other better. But right off the bat she already had the wrong idea. She approached me based on her ideals of me. The idea of me was what she wanted. She’d be disappointed with the real me.”

“Why would she be disappointed with the real you? You’re an awesome person.”

“Thanks Baek. But she thought she wasn’t good enough for me. I’m more likely not good enough for her. Besides…it wasn’t even just about each of us as an individual. I just don’t think I have any connection with her. And sometimes, you just know if the person is right for you. At the end of the day, isn’t that what brings people together? What they have with another person? We all have our ideal girl or ideal boy and sometimes you just end up falling for someone you wouldn’t have expected. If we could truly just select based on personality traits and material factors, why would so many people have heartbreaks? Why would people dwell so long on an ended or pointless relationship? The fact is, we can’t just switch feelings on and off.”

I took a deep breath and chuckled seeing Baekhyun’s face knotted with bewilderment.

“Sorry. That went on…long. Do you get what I mean though?”

“Ya I…I just…ya,” he hesitated, “I do.”

Without another word, he reopened his notebook and began scribbling more notes down. I opened my mouth, since this had provided me with some sort of opening, but I found myself unable to speak. I left my mouth open like an ugly gaping fish. Damn it Park Chanyeol. What is wrong with you? I clamped my mouth shut and facepalmed as I groaned inside my head. I’m an idiot.

--

The clock ticked on and it was soon 9pm. I glanced up as I heard the sound of Baekhyun closing his books.

“It’s almost 9. The library’s going to close. I’m going to head home. You coming?”

“Yes!” I replied quickly, packing up my stuff.

I’m stupid. I am so freaking stupid. Look what I did all evening. I did nothing all evening. And now Baekhyun is going to leave. And I’m going to leave too. And I’ll have wasted my entire night being an idiot. I began to panic. My heart was racing as we walked from our table toward the library exit. I had my hands in fists like some awkward gorilla as we stepped into the darkening streets. Baekhyun kept walking, but I stopped. It’s now or never. I’m outside in the dark with nobody watching. Am I ever going to get a better opportunity than this? If I can’t do it now, when could I do it?

ing do it!!! A voice in my mind screeched.

“Baek!” I yelled.

He turned around. At that moment, I felt like time had stopped. My breath hitched and I was oddly aware of hard my heart was thumping against my chest. Baekhyun had stopped in this single area where the moonlight shone down on him. His surroundings were all just casted shadows from the trees. It made his skin glow and his beautiful curly locks shone luminously under the moon. One single thought flitted through my mind. He looks like an angel.

I stalked over to him, clenching and unclenching my first. I realized I was swinging my arms as I did so, so I stopped as I stood in front of him.

“I…I wanted to…I”

He stared at me and raised an eyebrow.

“I think…want…I…” I apparently lost the ability to speak Korean.

I couldn’t string my words together. I desperately scoured my brain for anything. Baekhyun laughed. Brain, why do you fail me now? Anything would be good!

“Just call me when you remember,” he started to turn around.

No. No! NO! I found myself reaching for him, hands clammy as I broke out in cold sweat. My brain was barely functioning. It felt like all this was just an automatic reaction.

“Ah this!” I shouted.

I yanked on his shoulder so that he was facing me, and next thing I knew I was cupping his face and kissing him. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, and felt like an electric shock just ran through my entire body as our lips met. As if someone had poured ice cold water from the top strands of my hair and it was now trickling down my body to the tips of my toes. My heart was going crazy and my stomach flipped at least a thousand times, if not more. His lips were so soft…there was a taste of peppermint from the lip balm he was always reapplying. I never really liked peppermint, but at that moment I didn’t mind. Peppermint never tasted like this to me, sweet and even…addicting. I almost forgot to breathe, just expecting him to shove me away and never talk to me again. But then…I realized…Baekhyun didn’t push me away. He didn’t punch me. His lips were moving against mine. He was kissing me back!

I hiccupped then and we broke off. I just had to ruin it. I saw he was blushing, a pink tint on his cheeks that matched his lips. Gaaaah why did I hiccup?

“Um…*hic*…do you want to *hic* go on a…date…with…*hic* me?” I stammered through my hiccups.

A shy but dazzling smile stretched across his face as he nodded silently. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My heart was just hammering away at my chest, as if it was just going to fly out and flop onto the ground. Then Baekhyun would see it just going insane, flopping all over the place as I tried to run after it. I didn’t know what to do after this. In movies and books they always just end it after all the epic moments, and I’m left wondering about how they split up and go home without making it awkward.

“Um…” I scratched my head.

I didn’t know what to say. I was clearly not making it out of there without awkwardness. But Baekhyun just squeezed my upper arm lightly and nodded again.

“It’s ok. I get it. I’ll…I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay…but uh…about the date…” I murmured.

“We can decide later. After the test tomorrow. We have plenty of time.”

I stood there uneasily, without a word.

“Don’t worry. I won’t back out,” he chuckled.

“Okay. Well then. Good night?”

“Ya. Good night,” he squeezed me lightly again.

I found myself pulling him again and pecking him on the lips. It didn’t register, as if it was just purely out of some kind of weird reflex. I only processed what I did when we pulled apart and I saw a look of slight surprise on Baekhyun’s face.

“Sorry,” I said quickly, flustered, “Good night.”

And I zoomed out of there toward my bus stop. I was so embarrassed I kept my head staring at the ground, moving away as fast as possible. It was moments like these I was glad I had such long legs.

Yes, I’m a loser.

But a mostly victorious loser despite the awkward end to the evening.

But whatever. I kissed Byun Baekhyun!!!

I’m going to go on a date with him!!!

I’m too giddy with happiness for my own good. I could still feel his lips on mine. I haven’t felt this kind of giddiness for a long time. Kyungsoo will probably tease me so much when I tell him tomorrow. No doubt he knows I have good news. He wanted to know tonight, but I told him I would only call him tonight if things when downhill, since we did need to study.

Speaking of studying, it’s 11pm now…I don’t even care if I’m going to fail tomorrow’s test now. Though I think Baekhyun would care…a lot…especially since he tried so hard to help me…god forbid he backs out of the date as punishment for failing. Alright. Back to studying! I think I’ll just replace every problem I have with Bs as unknowns and Baekhyun for the names.

A/N: Merci beaucoup mes chéries! 97 subscribers! It might not be much to some but it’s really something for me. Thank you so much for your support and bothering to take the time to read this! =)

And omfg the MV teaser T.T I watched it at work during lunch and have to painfully suppress my fangirling and feels since I was in the office. Luhan is killing me guys. He’s killing me. I can't resist a badass Luhan. Or any Luhan for that matter. On top of that the album sounds amazing; I love it to bits! I’m still deciding where to buy it…if I’m willing to pay less for shipping and have it only get to me 4 weeks later…