Date:  November 6                   

The whole country has been in a buzz this week because college entrance exams are next week. Junmyeon has disappeared off the face of Earth in preparation for the exams (he wants to get into business), which is why I was very thankful he showed up for an hour during my halmeoni's funeral procession. Kyungsoo has been so nervous as well because his older brother is also doing the exams. He cares a lot for his brother so he's been doing his best to help out in anyway in the house. It's scary to think that next year, we'll be doing the exams. I've never been exceptional in school; I manage to scrape by with mediocre grades. I'm not like my elder sisters. School just isn't really my thing. I have no idea what I want to do with life and hate thinking about it. I can't tell you how many times my mom has nagged me about it. She tried to get my dad to sit down with me and talk it out, along with my sisters, but I sneak out of it everytime.

Kyungsoo has no worries. He's pretty determined to get into one of SKY* and I'm sure he can do it. He wants to go into education and teach. Fits him, to be honest. He's meticulous, neat, and caring. Meanwhile, his brother is going for law. They're pretty different in terms of personality, but like I said before, Kyungsoo really cares for him, and vice versa. I didn't have any idea what Baekhyun was planning, and given the rising tensions at school and everywhere over the exams, I became more curious. So I asked him during lunch.

He told me flat out he intended to become a doctor. He had this very determined look on his face but at the same time, that sparkle in his eye. He wanted to go to Seoul National University in medicine. In particular, he wanted to go into cardiovascular surgery, to become a cardiac surgeon.

"Why?" I asked him, sticking a plastic fork into a piece of chicken on my plate.

"To save the world," he simply said as he sipped on his water bottle.

"To save the world?"

"Yup. It's the leading cause of death in the world. Heart diseases."

"Wow Baekhyun. You seem to be really on track," Kyungsoo commented.

Well that made me feel amazing. Kyungsoo was going to educate the future generations, his brother was going to enforce justice in the courts, Baekhyun was going to save people's lives, Junmyeon was going to keep our economy running...and me? I was going to sit there and rot. Be a hobo in the streets. I would probably fail at being a hobo. Kicked off the streets for not being hobo enough. I don't know.

He asked me then what I was going to do. Needless to say, I sputtered, went "ummmmm", and trailed off into silence.

"Obviously Chanyeol has no idea what he's doing," Jongin butted in with Sehun as they sat down with their lunches.

"If you guys are so genius, tell me what you're doing!" I retorted.

I received "I'm going into dance y'all! I'm going to go to Juilliard** and blow everyone off their feet" and "Pfft obviously a model. It'd be a waste of my amazing good looks otherwise" as reponses. Well, at least I was more realistic and grounded than they are. I willingly accept that I will be a failed hobo. I think I would be pretty impressed by myself if I managed to get into a half rate college. It will probably the best achievement in my life. I confided in Baekhyun about my worries later on during the day as we waited at the bus stop as usual for our respective buses home.

"Just do your best, Yeol. Try and figure out what your passion is. What do you want to do in life? I know I want to be a doctor, because I like helping people. The idea of saving people...the thankful and happy looks....it's really what makes me happy. So what is your driving force? Just know this. I believe in you. You have to believe in yourself too. You'll get into university. Hell, I'm sure if you work hard, you'll get into an amazing university. You never know. Maybe you'll end up joining me at Seoul National!"

The look he gave me as he got in the bus stayed on my mind the rest of the day. It was a look of trust, comfort, and reassurance. A look that told me he really did believe in me. Even writing about it now, I can see that expression so clearly in my mind. It makes my stomach flip and I feel sort of...giddy. It sort of triggered to me that he was right. I need to figure out what I want to do in life. And that meant finding out more information. And to stop avoiding talks with my dad and sisters. Maybe they'd be able to give me some sort of guideline. Helpful advice of some sort. I still don't know what I want to do. But I know...I'd like to go to Seoul National too. Whatever it is that I get into. I want to go to Seoul National. It's going to be a lot of hard work, I know. But I still have one year. So I think I can do it.

I realize how involved Baekhyun is outside of schoolwork. And Kyungsoo was right. Baekhyun really is on track. Baek is part of the track and field team, debate team, works shifts at the school library, and volunteers at the hospital in the pediatric division. He plays with them and cheers them up. And despite all his activities I still see him pretty often. Because of all the stuff he does, his popularity continues to grow. It didn't even click with me because it seemed like it would be obvious that he would be popular and have a lot of friends. He is so...likeable. He's funny, charming, caring, smart, witty, happy...he's like a puppy. An adorable puppy. One that you would want to hug and snuggle with.

He'd be the perfect girlfriend if he was a girl. I'd go on cute dates on him. We'd go to a gelato joint and share gelato, laugh at jokes, and feed one another. We'd go to Lotte World and spend an entire day there going on as many rides as possible. We'd try new restaurants every week and create a food diary together. We'd spend time at one another's houses, just lazing around on a couch next to one another, watching a movie on a rainy night. And during the movie we'd cuddle and hold hands and kiss and whisper sweet nothings to one another.

But he's not a girl. And we're not dating.

We're friends. We're good friends. And don't I like girls?

I've ever only liked girls. I don't know. I'm still just...really confused. And it's not really something I can just discuss with anyone. I don't even dare to tell Kyungsoo. Maybe this is just some random phase. Like in all those college movies and stuff when people experiment with their uality.

OH erm. This has nothing to do with .

I've never thought about that at all.

Not with Baek.

None.

...

OK maybe once...

...

or twice.

*SKY = the three top universities in Korea. Namely, Seoul National University, Korea University, and Yonsei University

**Juilliard = highly competitive performing arts college situated in New York

A/N: Hello new subscribers! Thanks for reading *waves* I wasn't going to do an update this week but I'm in a pretty good mood because I received an informal offer on Wednesday for the internship I applied to! =D It was such a grueling process because I ended up having to do 6 aptitude tests and an hour long interview, but it's all worth it in the end~ Anyway, I have finals in less than two weeks so this might probably be my final update until my finals period is over (aka after the 29th). If I do update, it will be latest this weekend, either for this story or one of my other two stories.