Escapism
A Cup of Caramel Coffee (Jeti Collection)
A/N: Because I have a friend who likes biting my hand for I don't know whatever reason. She once told me that I was always using escapism. I didn't realize that she was right until she bit my hand again.
ESCAPISM
Flying.
I feel like I'm flying.
Like a bird soaring across the sky.
I have my eyes closed. I don't know where I'm being taken.
I spread my arms wide open and feel the wind carry me.
I'm flying but my feet are planted firmly on the ground.
"Tiffany..." I hear a sweet voice whisper.
My eyes open.
---
"Tiffany!"
I turned around saw Jessica running towards me, her blonde hair flying in the wind. That wonderful sight made me smile. Even when she was drenched in sweat she was still gorgeous.
"You....cheated!" she panted in between breaths as she finally slowed to a stop and lied down tiredly by my feet, blonde strands of her hair sprawled across the grass as she was catching her breath. Her sweaty face, her blonde hair...she was shining as radiant as the sun.
I sat down by her side and wiped her sweaty forehead with my pink handkerchief. "I didn't cheat, Jessica."
She glared at me, still panting. "Yes.....you.....did!"
"Care to explain how?" I challenged.
"You know that I....don't run!" Her breathing was going back to normal.
"But you did." I laughed.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Why wouldn't I? It's not everyday that I get to see the lazy Ms. Never-run-no-matter-how-late-you-are actually run."
I felt a perfect set of teeth dive into the skin on the back of my hand, biting it gently. "Ow!" I took my hand away from Jessica's mouth and examined the new mark she just made. She bites the back of my hand when she's upset, or sometimes for no reason at all, or sometimes out of boredom, I like it the most when she does it out of affection. I find the act childish, but I also find it rather cute.
"Meanie." she pouted.
I chuckled, placing my hand back down on her cheek. She was just so adorable. "It was just a race, Jessi. A silly game, that's all."
"But you still cheated." she pouted further.
I smiled and leaned towards her face. "I'm sorry for making you run, Jessi." I apologized before pecking her pouting lips. But just before I could sit up straight again she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me closer to her.
"Who said we were done playing?" she whispered huskily before her lips met mine again.
---
We were eating ice cream now. Strawberry for me and Vanilla for Jessica. We sat on a bench, holding hands while watching the cars pass by.
"Eight." I pointed to a red car while my ice cream.
"Twelve." Jessica said as a blue car passed by.
We played this game all the time when we went to the park and ate ice cream. We got it from watching the movie "Up". The winner would be the one with the most number of cars after we both finished eating our ice creams. The loser would have to pay for the ice cream the next time we went to the park.
"This game would've been more fun if I counted pink cars instead." I pouted.
"You did count pink cars the first time we tried to play this game. There weren't any pink cars at all! You'd lose every time." Jessica laughed.
I grumbled. "Nine." I said while another red car pass.
"Red isn't such a bad color, Tiff. In fact, it's definitely your color."
"Are you saying that pink doesn't look good on me?"
"Thirteen." Jessica said. "No, I'm not saying that. Pink looks good on you. Any color does. I just that I think you look the best in red."
"Why is that?" I asked.
Jessica ate the last of her ice cream, plopping what was left of the cone into . "Red complements your white skin. Whenever you wear something red it reminds me of a fragile rose in the middle of winter. Despite all the cold and and snow, the rose still remains alive, standing in its radiance with a bit of frost on its petals. But it's alive and growing nonetheless. It is both beautiful and strong. Just like you."
I open my mouth to say something but realize that I have no words to express myself. Usually Jessica was the quiet one and I was the talkative one. But our roles always seem to reverse whenever she speaks. She says she's not really good at expressing herself. But when she does, she always says the most wisest and most beautiful things I've heard. And what I like most about that is that she only tries to be expressive when it comes to me.
"That and you look totally hot whenever you wear a y red dress." she smirked.
But then I'm reminded that she can be a total ert after being so poetic.
"Why you -"
"Fourteen." Jessica said just as another blue car passed by. "Your ice cream has already melted. That means I win."
A triumphant smile adorned her face.
---
Jessica was humming a tune as we walked and held hands. She swayed our hands to the beat of her song and I smiled inwardly at how childish Jessica can be.
"You seem happier now, Jess." I said almost sadly, hoping that Jessica didn't ntoice the bit of sadness in my words.
"Really? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I guess she noticed it after all.
"I....I don't know." I sighed.
"What do you mean? Shouldn't it be a good thing that I'm happy?"
"Yeah..."
We suddenly stopped walking with Jessica pulling me closer.
"Are you happy for me, Tiffany?"
"Of course I am!"
"Then why does your tone say otherwise?"
I bit my lip and looked at the pavement just below our feet, not really knowing what to say.
"Tiffany, what's the matter?"
"Nothing." I replied quietly.
"No. Something's wrong. I know you, Tiff. Now tell me what's wrong."
I sighed and finally willed myself to look at her. "I'm happy for you, Jessica. I really am. But......"
Jessica kept quiet and waited for me to continue. I always love her for knowing how to truly listen.
"But I'm just not happy for myself." I finally confessed. "For not being able to accept the reality and for not being able to let the past go."
"Why can't you let it go, Tiffany?" Jessica asked calmly.
"Because it's important to me!" I shouted unintentionally. "The past is important to me! And for me to watch it slowly slip further away.....I just can't do that!"
"But it's slowing you down, Steph. It's becoming a burden to you."
"But.....I don't want to let it go...." I cried.
I felt Jessica lift up my chin and wipe away my tears. "Then don't let it go."
I choked back a confused sob. "W-what?"
"Don't let it go if you don't want to, Tiffany. Hold on to it but let go of the pain." Jessica smiled and caressed my cheek. "I hate seeing you hurt, Steph. You know that. All I'm asking for you is to let go of the pain and make some space for new things in your life. You should stop hurting yourself for something that wasn't even your fault. Tiffany, you deserve to be happy."
"Jessi..."
Jessica just smiled again and I understood her. I think I understood what she wanted. So I nodded my head.
She tugged my hand forward and we began to walk again as Jessica hummed another happy tune. She swayed our hands again and I smiled because Jessica was happy.
---
Jessica and I sat under the warm shade of our tree. We made a lot of memories here. And as I looked at its green leaves hanging from its outstretched branches, I wished that we still could have made more memories.
"Tired?" Jessica asked.
"No." I replied.
I felt her poking a finger on my cheek. "Says the girl who keeps on yawning."
I shook my head and pushed her finger away. "I don't want to sleep."
"Why not? Sleeping is good. Sleeping is nice. Sleeping is fun."
"Only for you, sleepyhead."
"Maybe. But seriously, you should sleep."
"I already told you that I don't want to." I yawned again, covering my mouth with my right hand. I noticed that the bite mark she made earlier was already gone. "Can you please bite my hand again?"
Jessica took my hand. I expected her to bite it but she held it instead, rubbing her thumb soothingly at the back of my hand. "Why do you want me to bite you?"
"It might help to keep me awake." I shrugged. "Please just do it." I urged, bringing my hand closer to her lips.
Jessica looked hesitant but bit it after a few seconds. She let go of it and I smiled as I inspected the new mark.
"That's better." I giggled, snuggling myself closer to Jessica.
"Go to sleep, Tiffany." she said as she my hair.
"For the last time, Jessica, I don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because I'm afraid that you won't be by my side when I wake up." I could feel my eyes getting heavier. I didn't fight it anymore and closed my eyes, although I willed myself not to fall asleep.
"Pabo." I heard Jessica chuckle. I felt her lips kiss my forehead.
I wasn't sure what she said next. I slowly lost my conscious, falling into the abyss of slumber.
"I never left you."
---
"Tiffany!"
I opened my eyes and automatically brought a hand to my face, blocking out the sunlight that came through my bedroom window.
"Yah Tiffany! Get up already!"
I groaned and directed my attention to where the voice was coming from. My sight was a little disoriented but I could see that it was a girl and that she had blonde hair. Her voice was familiar but I couldn't fully comprehend who the person was because my mind was still in a sleepy state.
"Huh?" I managed to say while trying to rub my eyes awake.
"Are you finally awake, Fany-ah? Aish. Since when did it become this hard to wake you up?"
"Taeyeon?" I asked, finally being able to recognize her.
"Who else? Now get up! I've been trying to wake you twenty minutes ago!" Taeyeon took my arm and tried to pull me out of bed.
"Wait, why are you here?" I suddenly heard a loud clanging outside followed by two voices shouting at the same time, probably blaming each other of the mess they just made. "And who are you with?"
"All the girls are with me. Don't you remember? We're supposed to visit Jessica today."
I was suddenly fully awake now. Awake but not alert. It was like my system temporarily stopped working. I wasn't dead but I wasn't exactly alive either.
Jessica......we're supposed to visit Jessi....
I stayed rooted there on my bed, zoning out into space. Taeyeon stopped tugging on my arm when she noticed my lack of resistance.
"Fany-ah? Are you okay?"
I suddenly snapped out of trance and glared at her.
"Yah! W-why are you g-glaring at me like that?" she shuddered.
"You woke me up from a good dream!" I groaned in annoyance while plopping myself back unto the bed. "Please.....just let me sleep."
Just let me sleep forever.
"Eh? Why?"
"Because it's better to live in my dreams." I answered mindlessly, burying my head further into my pillow.
I felt another weight on the bed and saw Taeyeon from the corner of my eye, sitting down just beside me. "What was your dream about, Tiffany?"
I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to remember what my dream was. I shook my head. "I don't remember. Everything is always hazy and disorienting when you wake up. You can't remember most of the dream after a few minutes of being conscious."
I reach out my hand towards the empty space beside me, where someone was supposed to be sleeping right next to me. "The dream is like grains of sand in your hands." I closed my hand into a fist, grasping onto nothing but air, the cold hitting my knuckles. Then I retreated my hand back to my side with disappointment. "It just keeps slipping away no matter how hard you try to hold onto it."
"So why would you like to live in your dreams when you don't even remember what it is?"
"I don't know. I just do. All that I know is that it's better to live there because it's better than reality."
Taeyeon chuckled. "You know, you're starting to sound and act like Jessica."
That made me look back at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Taeyeon shrugged. "Nothing. It's just like you're becoming like her nowadays. I see her in you."
I didn't say anything and just sighed. I felt tired. I am tired.
"I......I think I do remember that Jessica was in my dream." I bit my lip hesitantly before continuing to relay my thoughts out loud. "I remember her telling me that she never left me."
"That's because she didn't, you pabo."
"But she did, Taeyeon! She's been......" I stopped myself. It hurts to hear the truth coming out of my own mouth. "......dead for three months now. Jessi.....she's gone. Jessica's gone and it's impossible for her to come back. I can't bring her back no matter how much I want to."
Taeyeon shook her head. "She never left your side because she has always been with you." Taeyeon pointed at my left chest. "In your heart. She's always been there. Why can't you see that?"
"How can I see what isn't here?" I hugged my knees close to my chest and closed my eyes.
Jessi.....why did you leave me.....
"You can see it if you would just listen."
Silence engulfed the room and I let out a tired sigh before meditating, trying to block out even the faintest sound.
Finally, I could almost hear my heart beating.
And that's when I realized something.
It seemed to be beating louder than it used to.
Stronger than it used to.
As if there were two hearts beating instead of one.
"I never left you."
"Do you hear it, Tiffany?" Taeyeon asked quietly.
"You deserve to be happy."
"What do you hear?" she asked.
"I love you."
My eyes open.
I felt like I saw the world in a different light.
I looked down and noticed something on my right hand.
I lifted slowly lifted it up to get a better look at it.
And there it was.
At the back of my right hand was a mark of a familiar set of teeth. I traced the outline gently, as if I couldn't believe that it was there. It was slightly red and deep, like it was just freshly bit.
"I will always love you, Tiffany. Never forget that."
And for the first time in these past three months,
I smiled.
"I hear Jessica."
THE END
A/N: I was inspired to write this after reading Haruki Murakami's "After Dark" along with the aid of this quote:
"After Dark" was the book assigned to us for our final paper in Lit class. And the topic that I chose to write about it is "Escapism" since I like writing about psychological related stuff. For this oneshot, I thought about dreams serving as a form of escape from an unwanted reality.
As you guys know, I'm still on hiatus with all my fanfics. This oneshot is just to put me at ease. I'm a little rusty at writing stories nowadays so I'm sorry to disappoint you if this oneshot was kinda lame.
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