You always brightly shinesd my day

언제나 넌 나의 매일을 환하게 비췄어

Sungjong was afraid, frightened, scared to say the very least. He felt an overwhelming feeling of worry as he got himself ready for school, fixing his sweater with trembling hands. Nervousness was clearly painted all over his beautiful face. Could he really go there? After all that happened and after all that he had said or, more appropriately, after all that he had confessed? He was not sure, not even a tiny bit, if the rumors had gone viral already all around the campus. But he knew, for sure, that someone like Woohyun, who hated delinquents to hell, won’t just let this matter go off the hook. Sungjong had respected Woohyun very much ever since he became a member of the council. Woohyun had been his senior and Sungjong admired him very much with all of his heart. Contrary to how Woohyun acts in front of delinquents, Sungjong knew that that senior of his is a warm person who knows very well how to make him laugh. Beside Hoya, Woohyun was the second most caring to him whenever he suddenly felt not in the mood. Woohyun would immediately notice how sulky Sungjong was on that day, as if can he see carefully right through everything in him. He remembered that there had been a time when Woohyun deliberately danced idiotically to (and Sungjong swears he didn’t force him to) twinkle twinkly little star just to make Sungjong laugh. More to say, Sungjong admired everything in Nam Woohyun but not when it comes to pointing to others and assuming things, most especially when Sungjong knew that it was not the truth.  He won’t just stay seated on a chair and watch everything come crashing down to Myungsoo when Sungjong knew that he did not even do anything worth suffering for--- except of course, for being such a blackmailing bastard.

Sungjong was petrified at how the students will react if matters and rumours went around the campus. Sungjong hated rumors the most; he had had enough of those filthy gossips since junior high.  No one can ever imagine how scarily fast rumors fly around, no synonym of ‘fast’ can even justify it.

Sungjong was lazily looking at nowhere, taking the grand view of tall buildings outside the window of his usual train to school every morning, hoping for them to take his mind away from worrying, but of course buildings can never be that dazzling for an eye of an urban person who’s been living with them his whole life. Sungjong’s mind can’t help but flow back to thinking deep about how everything will go through for the day. He can feel his fingers fidgeting from fright. He was still on his reverie when a person suddenly flopped down beside his seat– Sungjong’s really hoping that it was not another erted old man who’d offer him some wons just to get him home  --- and he’s happy enough that god favoured his wish. He looked at the guy and saw Myungsoo smiling brightly at him as if nothing bad was going to happen.  Well, this was weird, Sungjong thought. Myungsoo don’t usually ride the train during mornings, his uncle would always fetch him at home and drive him at school since their school was on his way to work.

Myungsoo’s smile beamed in front of him. Was this man not even worried?

“Well, yeah. How can he even be worried when he’s not the one being gossiped about” Sungjong contemplated.

“Hey, got a problem?” Myungsoo casually asked, moving closer to him and causing Sungjong to scoot further away. Even though his mind was full of thoughts about the outcome of his ‘friendship’ confession with this delinquent, he still had room for some memories of what happened last night. He felt awkward sitting so close to him, since he’s very much sure it would just cause all of those memories to come crashing back down to his memory lane. It’s already enough for one worrying, Sungjong doesn’t need another.

“Yah” Myungsoo uttered, making Sungjong stare at him.

And stared Sungjong did, which he had not realized he had been doing for a minute already.

“What? Am I too handsome, huh? Huh?” Myungsoo teased while lightly bumping his shoulder with Sungjong’s, his face showing how expert he was in this kind of business --- teasing business.

Sungjong grimaced. “You wish” He snapped his eyes forward, looking uninterestingly at the clamp of anonymous people inside the train.

“Well, wa-la, my wish finally came true then” Myungsoo humoured, laughing a little.

Sungjong let out a smiled sigh (if that was even possible) at how unrealistically un-witty Myungsoo sounded. He can’t really do anything if his used-to-be partner in crime is just a full-headed idiot, head full of nothing but trouble.

Myungsoo smiled seeing Sungjong’s giggles --- giggles he assumed. Heaving a sigh, he rested his back on the not-so-comfortable train chair. “You’re worried about school, aren’t you?” He suddenly asked. Myungsoo may have been an idiot at times, but he’s not that negligent to not even notice the obvious reason of Sungjong’s worried face.

“Guess he’s not that much of an idiot, then” Sungjong thought, not knowing why he was suddenly feeling relieved that Myungsoo asked.

Myungsoo glanced at him for a second and crossed his arms on his chest, his shoulder bag left forgotten on his side.  

“You know what?” Myungsoo started. “You cannot keep living with the thought of satisfying what everyone wants. You can be a good citizen or, well, a very good vice president to each of the student in our campus, but you cannot just live forever in a life of expectations, Sungjong. You cannot please everyone, that’s the harsh reality. Even if you try your best to be nice to everyone, there’ll always be this one tiny-brained person who’ll curse you behind your back. And you cannot do anything to stop that. That’s just how simply life goes” Myungsoo nudged him with a smile, contradictory to how awful his earlier words sounded, but that didn’t stop Sungjong from staring right into the eyes of the delinquent.

“What was that? Did you finally get your head knocked out and realized that you should start reading poetic books?” Sungjong tried to sound uncaring, but failed he did.

Myungsoo snorted. “No, heard it from Squidward last night”

“Don’t tell me you still watch Spongebob?” Sungjong laughed.

“What is wrong with that?”

Sungjong laughed more, showing his rabbit-like front teeth with lips curled up into a smile, and eyes crooked into half-crescents. Of course, he knew Myungsoo was lying. Squidward would never say those words in his whole cartoonized-life. Never.

Silence overwhelmed after that.

Sungjong didn’t know that Myungsoo can actually work these words out of his mouth with such care and sincerity. Sungjong was flushed. Yes, because he was shocked at how Myungsoo can describe it so clearly and with fidelity. But also because every single word that came out of Myungsoo’s mouth was the truth. He can’t really live forever looking and dwelling at how others set their eyes on him.

But that didn’t stop him from being afraid. He had worked so much to achieve such respect from people, not the respect from his co-delinquents, but the kind of respect that an ordinary person gives to another. He was so much tired of those days when he’ll just walk around the hallway and people will look at him with fear as if he’ll kill them all in another second. He was so much tired of that.

Sungjong felt happy. Maybe because his heart that was full of dread and panic a while ago was somehow replaced by a feel of relief. He was still afraid, but he’s more than ready to face whatever consequence will be plastered upon him.

Of course he wouldn’t admit to reason that Myungsoo being by his side, with him, contributed to that seeping relief on him.

Sungjong stole a look at Myungsoo. The delinquent had his eyes closed, head sleepily falling to the side every after 3 seconds. Sungjong smiled realizing that Myungsoo had woken up early just to catch the train with him.

Sungjong took small steps, hesitant to enter the school grounds. He had felt the frantic beating of his heart again when they got off the train, fright taking over him once more. He had kept his head down and tightly clutched the strap of his bag, avoiding to meet the eyes of the students, which he felt like had been staring at him as he made his way to the lockers.

The two decided to enter school separately so as not to add fuel to the fire. Myungsoo would enter 10 minutes after Sungjong.

Sungjong fastened his pace as he felt those eyes upon him, wanting to escape from their judgemental demeanours. He reached the lockers in no time, and as he opened his own locker and about to get his books out for the class, two students started  mumbling loud enough for him to hear.

“Oh, isn’t that the Vice President of the student body?” A guy not-so-intentionally ‘whispered’ to his friend.

“Yeah, I also heard it from the other officers. It’s hard to believe he’s buddies with the delinquent” the other answered.

“Psh. Unbelievable” one guy snickered.

Sungjong trembled; It was scarier hearing than seeing those eyes. Words were more hurtful to hear. He blew a big exhale out of his mouth and forced himself to stay neutral and think as if he had not heard anything. He fisted the books out of his locker and placed it inside his bag.

“Look who’s there!” one of two exclaimed as he pointed at someone, or maybe someone, behind Sungjong.

“No way! It’s him----that Kim Myungsoo“

Sungjong glanced to his back and saw Myungsoo entering the locker room with one hand inside his pocket and yawning, muttering ‘I’m sleepy’.

Myungsoo noticed the two guys and glared at them, sending them to scurry away out of the lockers.  He looked at Sungjong and poked his tongue out with a wink.

Sungjong immediately turned his head away and sulked. “Stupid extraordinaire” He thought. Sungjong hastily closed his bag and walked away with a scowl.

“Yah, how can you go red just by seeing his tongue?! Oh my god, you are.....argh!” Sungjong silently shouted at himself, lightly punching his forehead as he walked away. Recollection of last night flew back to his thoughts involuntarily. Just let him touch me every day, it’s almost like a routine anyway---- Sungjong suddenly stopped outside of his classroom, not because of disbelief that he had just thought of those words, but because-----

“My pictures!!!!” Sungjong shouted, wide- eyed.

Myungsoo titled his head to the side and frowned as he watched Sungjong walk away from him not even saying a word. He thought they had been okay during their train ride to school.

Myungsoo peeked to his back as he felt a presence, and saw a Nam Woohyun quivering with a pissed-off face, probably from too much anger. Why was he even angry anyway? Myungsoo thought.

“I cannot believe Sungjong sided with you” Woohyun’s voice trailed down of pure hatred and disbelief. His eyes were full of grave detest and disgust.

Myungsoo shrugged and decided to ruffle the other’s hair playfully, to which Woohyun angrily fought back with a hit on Myungsoo’s arm.

“ahhh” Myungsoo leisurely put his hands back his pockets. “Who cares about those student body officers! But it’s the truth about Sungjong and I” Myungsoo looked at him, obviously mocking.

Woohyun grunted. He just cannot believe that someone like Sungjong would be friends with Kim Myungsoo, a delinquent, the enemy of the student body.

Myungsoo was about to leave already when Woohyun beat him to it.

“hmp. What did you use to threaten Sungjong, huh?”

Myungsoo stopped.

His bright eyes turned gloomy. Myungsoo knew it was just a random, and again an opinion, declaration coming from Woohyun. He knew Woohyun didn’t know about the whole blackmailing thing because he’s very much confident that Sungjong would never tell anyone, not even this Nam Woohyun. 

“....that will be taken cared of...” Myungsoo whispered, not wanting Woohyun to hear, and left, head burrowed low with guiltiness filling up his heart.

“Huh?”

Sungjong looked at Myungsoo with incredulity as his fingers clutched hard to a 2GB Memory Card. Did he hear Myungsoo right or this was just pure hallucination? Yeah, this was just a mere hallucination. This was not real. But the gush of very cold wind that sent shivers down to Sungjong’s body as he stood at his balcony begged to differ from his thoughts. This was real. The memory card that he was holding tight was real.

Sungjong stared at the card, and clenched it tighter between his thumb and index finger. “Did I.....hear you right?”

“....Like I said, I’m giving you back all the pictures of your delinquent days.” Myungsoo repeated for the second time, taking delight at enjoying his lemon-flavored lollypop. His elbows were propped backwards to the balcony railing, legs crossed, and back leaning to the balustrade.  

That, now, didn’t fail to make Sungjong stare at him with wide eyes. “what......” Sungjong trailed off. “really?”

Myungsoo nodded. “You have them all now”

Sungjong gazed at the memory card then looked back to Myungsoo with wondering eyes. He felt confused and bewildered by Myungsoo’s sudden act. But Sungjong wondered more why he felt like he’s not really happy receiving those.....

“Oh, by the way” Myungsoo snapped him out from his trance. “these two cards are peeping shots I  took of you from outside the window----“

Before Myungsoo can even finish, Sungjong had already raised his hand up and smacked Myungsoo right on the head with a glare. “You peeping tom!” He shouted.

“Yah, that hurts!” Myungsoo complained as he massaged his head, making hurtful faces, as if that would even make Sungjong feel guilty from hitting him.

“Serves you right, bastard”

Myungsoo laughed hearing what Sungjong just called him. He remembered their junior high times when they both will walk back home from their school. They always go together since their houses were just next to each other. Sungjong and him would always bet each other on a race to who can reach the corner street of their houses first and when Myungsoo wins, Sungjong would always say ‘You just got lucky, bastard hyung’ and Myungsoo will laugh it off ruffling Sungjong’s hair now and then as they walk together with the annoyed skinny guy feigning resistance.

“Why the hell are you laughing?”

“Nothing.....it’s nothing” Myungsoo cleared his throat and stared hard at Sungjong, showing a face with startling seriousness.

“I give them all back to you, Sungjong-ah”

Pause

Sungjong felt his heart beating a thousand times faster than it used to. Just those seven words that came out of Myungsoo’s mouth can already make him like this. Sungjong was supposed to be relieved. He was supposed to be feeling as if a large amount of weight had been lifted off of his back all in one. But Sungjong felt confused and.....dejected. Yeah, that was the right term: dejected. Sungjong traced the outlines of Myungsoo’s eyes as he stared at him, letting himself be swallowed from Myungsoo’s magnificent bown-blackish orbs. He searched Myungsoo’s eyes, and realized. Myungsoo was serious about giving it all back to him.

“So” Myungsoo smiled, eyes squinting into a thin line, the corners of his mouth bended up proudly. “Aren’t I nice?”

Sungjong’s eyes flew wide, visibly dumb-founded. His shock was not long enough though as it was soon replaced with a glare.

“But.....what’s the catch?” Sungjong can’t help but ask, for sure Myungsoo wouldn’t do anything of these without demanding for something in return.

Myungsoo’s hand let go of the lollypop stick that was sticking out of his mouth, and carefully but slowly laced them tightly around the balcony railing, purposely trapping Sungjong between him and the railing, his chest touching Sungjong’s back. Myungsoo rested his chin onto Sungjong’s left shoulder.

“I want you so bad, Sungjong-ah” Myungsoo confessed.

This stunned Sungjong to utter shock. Was Myungsoo asking for that as an exchange for letting go of those pictures? Sungjong scarily contemplated. Whatever happens he wouldn’t let it turn out like that, Sungjong willed himself to fight. He cannot just let that kind of thing happen in exchange for a couple of pictures.

“If you’re sayi-----“

“But even more....” Myungsoo continued, silencing Sungjong.

Myungsoo nuzzled his nose to the crook of Sungjong’s neck. “But even more.....I want you to want me on your own”

Sungjong stiffened, not just from the feel of Myungsoo breath ghosting on his neck, but also because of the words that flowed out of Myungsoo’s mouth. He stared in nothingness, mind in chaos.

“...you know what that means?” Myungsoo inquired, as he looked up to Sungjong’s eyes.

Sungjong gulped. “I.......w-well....” Sungjong glanced at the awaiting eyes of Myungsoo. Of course, hell he knew what Myungsoo meant. He wanted Sungjong to yearn for him. Myungsoo wanted Sungjong to fall for him.

Sungjong unconsciously blushed, the pace of his heart not wanting to slow down even a bit. Sungjong felt his hand shake as he opened Myungsoo’s hand and slammed the memory card back to Myungsoo’s hand.

Myungsoo’s foreheard frowned. He looked back and forth between a leaving Sungjong and the memory card on his hand.

“Do whatever you want with it!” Sungjong banged the balcony door shut without hesitance and swooshed the curtain to hide himself.

Sungjong’s back touched the hard glass of the balcony door, curtains slightly ruffling, his hand still clenched hard to the drape, not wanting to let go. His back slowly slid down as Sungjong felt himself collapse to his feet. He placed a hand over his fast-beating heart, face contorted into uncertainty and bafflement.

He felt nostalgic as memories of what Myungsoo said earlier drilled back to his mind.

‘I want you to want me on your own’

Suddenly, all those times when he felt his heart go erratic just by a mere collision of their eyes flashed on his brain. Those times when he felt his breath stop by a second just by the feel of Myungsoo’s lips upon his. Those times when he felt butterflies on his stomach whenever Myungsoo smiled at him. Those every ing times his mind go blank in front of Kim Myungsoo.

Those times when Sungjong had not even felt those kind of feelings in front of another person, except him, except Kim Myungsoo.

“Idiot” Sungjong mouthed, lips shivering as unwanted tears start to crowd on the brim of his eyes. “why did he have to give them back to me....I...”

Sungjong tried hard to stop his tears from falling, he really really tried not to cry.... because he doesn’t like crying, not even when there’s no one to see him weep. He felt weak and vulnerable whenever he cries, and he hates being weak.

“Sungjong-ah” He heard Myungsoo say. “Goodnight” and next to that was the sound of the other’s balcony door being shut.

Sungjong felt a tear trickle down his face.

Sungjong didn’t know if the tears were because of the sudden realization. He’s not sure what those tears meant, but he just doesn’t care anymore. He’s not sad, no, not even close to it. He’s not heartbroken either. He had let his defense down.

This time, just this time, he’d let himself be weak.

Sungjong stood up and opened the curtains, showing the sight of Myungsoo lazily crawling back to his own bed.

Sungjong sighed, not believing that he will just make another confession that can certainly and without doubt ruin everything that he had worked for as a Vice President. His eyes turned soft as another tear fell. Words that can mean the end of him. Words that were much much poisonous than a childhood friendship with a delinquent.

Sungjong dreamily stared at a sleeping Myungsoo.

“If I accept those, what would I use then as an excuse the next time I give in to you”

Sungjong started, knowing full well that the person he’d been expressing this to cannot hear a single word that’s saying.

“If I accept those, what would I use then as an excuse to let you have your way with me the next time, huh?”

Sunggjong wiped his tears away and pulled the curtains close.

“What would I use then to convince myself that I certainly have not fallen for you”

It was a confession. Not to Myungsoo, but for his own.

It was Sungjong’s confession and admittance for himself,  for his own sake.

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It's kind long..... HAHAHAHA BUT OMG FINALLY SUNGJONG ADMIITTED IT! (lmao. why am i getting excited over this?) XDDD btw the internet chose to return today (yey!). please enjoy reading and dun forget to comment qhat you think about it. Thanks very much, :))))