4. Little steps/ giant leap*

thanks to pinkapple04 for the advise.

They say he's ugly. Bull, I say.
You know, the time I was admitted in the company I was so happy. However people said that I got accepted merely for my beautiful face. So I worked hard, really hard, a lot more then the others, just to prove them wrong. I was so proud of myself. But then, then he came. He was not at the level he's right now, but his moves were already so smooth...

I never thought that “power” could be so graceful. That's why I will never say he's ugly because he is not. How could you call ugly someone able to dance like that?

My face can be beautiful. But he is The Beauty.

I lulled Donghae all the night.

He didn’t really say anything more intelligible than sniffles but I let him do what he wanted, even drench my shirt with tears and drools. I’m not good in comforting people but this is Donghae and I will always try my best. He’s my bestfriend. Even though even I don't know how we became like that, I supposed we just clicked. The first time I saw him he had this sheepish smile on that pretty face of his and huge eyes that made him look a little aired. It turned out he really is, but well, at that time he was the other one in charge of dancing, so he could be considered my rival. I saw him as a rival: he was handsome and he was skilled enough to challenge me. But the kid was too shy for his own good and in the end I felt sympathy for him. So I talked to him friendly, you know I'm a peaceful person, or like Kyuhyun would say I hate confronting, so I decided to follow the motto “ if you can't defeat the enemy, join him”. He smiled that toothy smile of his and I lost it. From that first conversation he glued himself to me. To tell you the truth I was flattered and still I am, even though I hide it behind my grumpy self because sometimes Donghae can be a little too much. Don't be fooled by his beautiful eyes because he's the bossy one, and no matter how much we kick each other in the end he wins with some of his cheesy tricks. He turned me in his ing hugging machine, for God's sake. Despite that I couldn't have asked for a better bestfriend. Where I lack he fulfils. For example I will never be able to express myself like he does and I'll will always end up creating misunderstanding with my behaviour despite my good intentions. And here when it comes Donghae: Dont' worry. I’m your personal Hyuk translator. It was so idiotic that I laughed my off (he took revenge and made me fall from the chair with a kick), but at the same It was so sweet and so sincere of him, that if I weren't the clumsy person that I am, I would simply hugged him. Donghae can be so precious: he’s moody, aggressive and sometimes a little dumb, but he is really kind. To the others, to me always. So when he’s hurt, really hurt, a part of me dies with him. He’s my pillar, my personal lucky star. He cannot be sad.

So I let him have his ways with me how he likes it. I let him him hug me like he’s a koala and I’m the tree. I kept caressing his hair while he rested on my chest, hearing my irregular heartbeat, because it couldn’t be regular when I'm worried about him.

We fell asleep like that.

Donghae woke up feeling heavy and not rested at all. But it was warm and comfy somehow, because he was engulfed in Hyukjae's embrace. Despite his confused mind he couldn't stop to smile a little at the sight of his bestfriend's face resting on his shoulder, arms and legs tangled with his. He was sure the night before their position was reversed but like always they would end up in the morning with Hyukjae hugging him. It didn't fail to make Donghae smile knowing that the subconscious Hyukjae was a clingy one like his wake self would never allow him to be. Then his mind wandered at the night before, when he broke down like a lost child. It was as shameful as inevitable. He sighed but his gloomy thoughts were interrupted by a sudden pinch on his left side that made him yelp in pain.

• yah, Hyuk you are awake!

• Sort of- grunted his bestfriend, his eyes still closed but still able to position himself better on Donghae's body. Donghae thought what the heck was wrong with him for his heart to beat so fast. Then he remember he could or not could have a crush for Hyukjae and frowned.

• Donghae...- Hyukjae murmured tightening for a moment his hug.

• Hyuk?- replied the younger trying to calm his heartbeats.

• Would you mind telling me what's going on?- Hyukjae said lifting his gaze to meet his, no trace of sleep in his eyes but only pure concern. And Hyukjae thought he wasn't sweet. Silly monkey.

• I...- Donghae started but couldn't find the words to continue, because he really didn't' know what he was supposed to say, he didn't even feel at ease to admit his feelings with himself let alone to admit them to Hyukjae.

• I won't force you to talk, but remember I'm here and I will try to help you no matter what.

• Thanks, I know. Well you can say...I had a bad day, Hyuk.

• Only one?

Donghae chuckled. He was an open book for Hyukjae, he couldn't hide his emotions to him, but he could try to hide his feelings at least.

• I had more than a couple of bad days, I guess.

• What do you have in your mind lately fishy?

• A lot, monkey.

• But you still won't tell me- Hyukjae said a little disappointed. Donghae never hid anything to him, he was the open one in their friendship but if he too started to hide things, their friendship would suffer, because unfortunately, to use the fishy vocabulary, the only translator available was Donghae. - Is it... is it about Yuri noona?

Donghae's expression darkened  and Hyukjae regretted to have asked. Smooth Hyukjae, smooth. Donghae stood still, his gaze fixed on the ceiling, but then after an eternal second he turned again towards the dancer. Hyukjae met Dognhae lost and hurt gaze.

• Yuri noona and I are not doing well lately. I'm afraid, Hyuk, I'm afraid that all is going to roll down the hill like all my other relationship did before.

• I thought things were quite well with her, what happened, did you two fight?

• Yes we fought, it happened yesterday but to tell you the truth, it's been a while since things got awkward. We are falling apart.

Donghae hid his face behind his hands.

• I'm sorry to hear that, really sorry- Donghae could feel the sincerity in his words.

• I like her, Hyukjae. I like her a lot- he mumbled behind his hands.

• Then go a fix it. I know you can do it.

• I can't- he confessed painfully. Hyukjae could feel how painful it was for his bestfriend admit that and suddenly the urge to know became overwhelming. He was getting near the truth. The truth behind Donghae's depression. His neck ached due to his position but he couldn't careless at the moment. He didn't want to miss a thing of whatever Donghae would tell him. So he asked the one million dollar question.

• Why?- he asked trying to be as kind as possible.

• I think I might like someone else- He never thought admitting he liked someone could be son painful. He spied from his fingers, Hyukjae has risen a bit on his elbow, his expression puzzled. “ And you don't even know that it could be you” Donghae commented mentally, hilarious.

• Don't look at me like that! I know it's all ed up! I had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman and now I'm going to hurt Yuri, my lovely girlfriend because I'm all doubting about my apparent feelings for someone else towards whom, by the way, never was my intention to feel something even remotely near to love! How stupid I can be?- Donghae blurted rolling on a side a giving his back to his bestfriend.

• You are not stupid...Sometimes love can be a little messed up- Hyukjae stated, still trying to digest the new informations. Donghae laughed loudly but without any trace of amuse. Hyukjae frowned because there was nothing more heartbreaking than hearing Donghae's empty laughs.

• Donghae, there's nothing unfixable... if you think you can't forget this person, it's better if you break up with Yuri noona. I know it will be hard for the both of you, but it's for the best.

Donghae said nothing because he knew Hyukjae was right, nonetheless the eventuality made him sad. He really did liked Yuri, maybe he even loved her. But how he could continue if his mind was so clearly unfocused? It was not fair for her. He had to face his new feelings and take the risk to lose her forever if it took too long to figure out things.

• You are right- Donghae admitted. Why this was happening to him? He asked himself again.

• Don't worry I'll be here covering your back. Now let's go change, we have schedule- Hyukjae said squeezing his arm in a comforting manner. Donghae flipped on his back while Hyukjae tossed the blanket to stand up. Donghae followed his bestfriend with his gaze, trying to understand if he was imagining things or he really had feelings for Hyukjae. He let his eyes wander on his body, from the way his wrinkled shirt wrapped his torso, till the way his pants covered his hips. His heart skipped a bit again. Damn.

Before exiting the room Hyukjae stopped at the door, he has to ask something.

• Hae, your other crush... is it really so hopeless? You are a handsome and caring guy I can't believe there is a woman who would not be happy to have you.

Donghae smiled bitterly.

- Believe me. It can't be.

Because it's not a woman, Hyuk.

I think it made sense.

Hyukjae thought while sipping from his strawberry milk. He was seated cross-legged in a corner of the practice room, observing Donghae and the female dancer practising the choreography, deep in thoughts.

Donghae is a good guy and I can't believe he is depressed over something like that. Donghae put all of himself in his stories and he ends always hurt when it turns out bad. Knowing that this time is somehow “his fault” could only hurt him more.

Still Hyukjae couldn't stop himself from thinking that there was more. All the Yuri issue could explain a lot but not all. It didn't explain for example why Donghae seemed so off during practice and with me. Hyukjae suspected for a long time that Heechul accident had a part in Donghae's strange behaviour but judging from his bestfriend words it wasn't the case. But still. He observed Donghae doing his steps nearly ignoring the female dancer. That's not good. The song spoke about two men loving the same woman, the dance had to reflect the sense of desire and belonging. Donghae was the one who insisted to have as soon as possible the female dancer but now he seemed off. Maybe this song makes him think about that other person! Donghae said it was hopeless, the only way for things being like that, because hey only Donghae's eyes were enough to let him have at least a chance, it was if the girl was already taken. Could it be?

This person has to be really something to being able to affect you like this. Whoever she is I hope she deserves all your struggles or I'll hate her forever. He sighed. Yuri noona was so perfect! He got along with her, who knew if he could get along with the new girl. However he would help Donghae to realize his love no matter how messed up the situation could be.

The song ended and with that Hyukjae refocused his attention to his bestfriend. He was slightly panting but he still managed to force a smile when he felt Hyukjae's stare on him.

Donghae went to seat near him to rest a bit.

• I did - Donghae said pouting in disapproval.

• It wasn't so bad.

• Don't lie. It lacked of emotions. Even I realized.

• Ok. It was ty.

• Hey!- Donghae glared at him

• You said it first!- Hyukjae defended but he could see in Dognhae's eyes an attempt of joking. He followed the stream.

• Here. I'll show how you have to do it- He said grinning.

• Yeah! Dancing machine!- Dognhae replied teasingly. Hyukjae smirked at him turning on the stereo and asking the female dancer if it was ok for her to do a bit of their part. The girl complied politely while throwing a shining smile. Whoa. But the song started and he focused on the steps. He made eye contact with her, acting like she really was the only girl in the world. Their fingers brushed during the choreography, he turned around and then he felt her hands slide on him, then he helped her getting up, making the fake action of grabbing his chin while tilting to the side, to give the impression of a kiss. Donghae was exactly in front of him still seated. Hyukjae smirked at him but then his eyes met Donghae's gaze. Those big beautiful eyes that were him in. His heart skipped a bit.

• How was it?- he still managed to joke, easily freeing himself from the female dancer and walking towards his bestfriend.

Donghae looked a little upset and Hyukjae felt somehow guilty.

• It was hot- Donghae admitted honestly. At that point he doubted he could lie and besides it was normal for them to use words like “y, handsome, hot” towards each other. Even though that time he probably meant it for real.

• You know I think the girl there nearly fainted- he then added. Hyukjae laughed trying to hide his embarrass, because he could act like a boss but the shy part of him was still there, despite all those years. I nearly faint too, Donghae thought. He then turned serious ad said- Hyuk, later I'm going to meet with Yuri to talk and... well you know what I'm going to do.

Hyukjae nodded. He could already sense Donghae's nervousness.

• I can go with you. I'll wait for you in the car if you want.

• Thanks.

• You really can't do anything without me, nae?

• Oh shut up!- Donghae hissed punching him lightly on the arm, but he still smiled a bit nonetheless.

• Don't worry Hae. I'll be there.

I'll always be there.

Ok. maybe asking Hyukjae, my possible crush, to come with me for an appointment that will break my current relationship, it wasn't the smartest idea. I always knew I was stupid. However I cant' help it, only Hyukjae manages to sooth my nerves. I gave up a long time ago to be upset about this dependency of mine: on stage like in real life I can't seem to stay away from him, even now that he's the source of my distress. Maybe I'm a masochist.

Anyway I left him in the car after muttering something futile and after taking a long breath I entered the café where Yuri and I were supposed to meet. I wanted to be in public because the thought of being at her house hurt me more, due to the good times we shared there. I could have said to her to meet inside Sm building but I don't want to give the impression that she is a break during my hours of practice. Yuri is an important person to me. I'm not dumping her because I don't love her anymore but because in the time being I'm not able to carry on our relationship without the risk to hurt the both of us beyond repair. Not with me like that, not when Hyukjae is starting to become the only thing I could think about. She doesn't need to be a rebound of my frustrations. I seated in a spot near the window waiting for her. She came few minutes later, her expression was unreadable but judging from the bitter smile she gave me I realized she knew. The moment she seated down and threw at me those sad yes I immediately grabbed his hand. She let me doing it. Gosh. I don't deserve her kindness.

• Yuri...- I started. How am I going to let her go?- I called you here because we have to talk about something.

• Isn't this usually the line that girls use when they want to break up?- she cracked a joke. My breath died in my throat.

• Sorry, bad joke. I think I'm nervous- she said blushing and trying to free her hand from mine but I didn't let her. One of the things I like of her is her twisted sense of humour. Hyukjae is the same. Ugh. Stop its' not the time for that now.

• Don't worry. I'm nervous too... anyway I think you noticed this period for me was complicated. I want to apologize for making things harder for you.

• I would have been glad to help you Donghae, I still want to, if you let me.

• I know. But I'm afraid nobody can help me right now. I had too much on my head and I want you to know that none of this chaos is your fault. I need time Yuri. I won't ask you to wait for me because I don't know where all this mess in my head would lead me. I hope you can understand me.

• Donghae... what's wrong? Can we fix it together?

• No Yuri. Because there's' nothing to fix in our relationship but me.

• You are the one who is asking for a break up but somehow you seem more miserable than me. You won't really tell me.

• I won't. Sorry.

• You are not leaving me too much of a choice Donghae, you are unfair.

• I'm sorry Yuri.

• It seems like you are in the middle of something, I sense it. Is there someone else?

• There's no other woman than you Yuri- I stated. It was the truth indeed, because Hyukjae is a man.

She smiled sadly.

• For now and in the near future you are the woman I like the most. But I have some private problems to resolve and I won't be able to focus on you if we continue. I can't, it'll hurt the both of us. I'm sorry I can't tell you more.

• I don't understand you, but you seem to have made up your mind and I'm not the type to dig in further...but I love you, you have to know that.

• Yuri...- I gaped unable to form a coherent thought.

• You don't need to say anything- she said standing up. She was there, beautiful, fragile in his resolution, dear to my heart like no other woman before. But I had to let her go- take care of yourself Donghae- she said and then she exited and disappeared from my sight.

I stayed frozen in my spot for a couples of minutes then like a robot I exited the café too and went towards my car.

Why? Why is this happening to me? I just threw away one of the best things of my life for what?

But then I saw him.

He was waiting for me outside the car even though I recommended him to stay in, because the risk of being recognized was too much. A black cap covered half of his face, but I could still see him in the act of chewing nervously his lip, his foot tapping the side walk nervously.

For him.

As he saw my face he frowned. He then came towards me grabbed my hand and tagged me inside the car without saying a word. The moment the car doors shut, he took me in an embrace and whispered to my ear- it's going to be all right, Hae.

I didn't cry even though my heart ached in mixed feelings.

I enjoyed his embrace, the answer finally clear in my mind.

For him. My best friend, the other part of my self, Hyukjae.

Author's note: ke ke ke. Now it starts the real fun ;) there'll be more Suju members interacting and more in general. I cant' understand if Hyukjae is dumb or funny, so clueless poor thing (for now)!

Lately I feel really dejected. I won't annoy you with boring details of my life, anyway please leave comments to cheer me up! Oh! One last thing: I actually wrote an extra chapter in my other fanfiction “Alpha males”, please eunhae readers even though is the g-ri fandom, go check! I wrote a crossover (sort of). If you like the idea I'll write the eunhae side story!

ps: continue subscribing <3

I love you all <3