18. I wanna have you

I want to have it all. All of you, all of us. So I'm going to give it all.

If it's you who steals every little piece of me, well I don't mind.

Hyukjae wanted to drown himself and die. Possibly fast and with no harm.

Just what the .

The true was that after his dream he was way too conscious of Donghae every move, breath everything. And it happened in a period when he was trying to restrain himself and it was all so hilarious. But no matter how much he wanted to scream his frustration he had to get his together and a concert to do. He gained enough stares form s who had noticed his strange mood “it's miracle they don't find out”, he repeated to himself once again as he tried to concentrate at the upcoming performance. The backstage was a mess like usual hair stylist and staff trying to make proceed all with no flaws he was hurried in the changing room to wear his outfit. He exhaled.

Honestly it wasn't like he never thought about Donghae ing him. Yes it was better to be bluntly. So it wasn't like it never crossed his mind and it was fair for Donghae to have his turn too, however Hyukjae had always dismissed the idea with a simple “maybe next time”: they were just beginning to experiment between men so it was better for them to continue with the same way, wasn't it? Donghae didn't talk about switching and Hyukjae gladly assumed that for the mean time it was ok like that. What he didn't predict was for him to want to switch. It was a revelation. And it shocked him to the point that it was nearly impossible to bear the view of Donghae dancing on the stage ( he had a during all the last rehearsal) with hip trust and swift moves. Would he be like that during.... Oh God!

He missed Donghae ok? He missed having him stick to him, having his sneaky hands on his body. Having him stealing kisses, having him physically and emotionally close. Was it really a good idea to restrain themselves? In the end it had affected the both of them on different levels and it wasn't helping at all.

He feared the exterior world and what it could do to them. The truth was that at that point the thought of stopping was painful and so he decided to slow down in hope to last more. Yes, really clever of him indeed. Maybe his mind was suggesting the solution? To just stop the period of prohibition and simple let it go? To take and give it all: that is the meaning of being together.

Hyukjae wanted to rip his hair but instead he was hurried by the staff towards the others members. They were all excited and nervous at the same time, like it was everytime they had a concert to do. His eyes met Donghae's ones. He blushed diverting his eyes. Aish.

Screw the concert, all he wanted to do was to jump that silly fish and do him. Or let Donghae do me. Jesus!

The lights were red when the first notes of I wanna love you echoed in the arena. The screaming was impossibly loud. No matter what went through his mind whenever Hyukjae heard music his feet simply acted according to that, his body following with grace the choreography. Then the female dancer joined him but Hyukjae was so focused in his world, in the song, and what it meant for him that he barely gave her a glance. Then entered him, Donghae, with that boldness and energy that is so his dancing.

Dancing it always meant the world for Hyukjae, a dimension where he was free to express himself completely and freely. The same wa for Donghae. Hyukjae knew the first moment he saw him dancing in a practice room back then when they were teenagers.

Donghae's dance is all passion even then, even now on the stage. Hyukjae observed him, brows furrowed in concentration to express what the song really meant. Donghae segment was finishing so Hyukjae returned to the scene. He had Donghae exactly in front of him as the song was reaching the . They exchanged looks.

And. Oh god.

How could he deny them for so long? Hyukjae wanted nothing but to jump on that pabo of his bestfriend and screw him and the public.

“sometimes I forget how sweet you are, Hyuk”

screw that. Hyukjae didn't feel sweet. He felt selfish and lost.

I wanna have you. I can't live without you.

It was only a song. But when those words happened to be so true for him?

The song came to his conclusion and left both panting and unable to tear the gazes form each other.

“ I want you to understand there isn't a solution” Donghae said. Yes there isn't a solution to love.

So what he had to do?

When the lights faded signing the end of their stage. Hyukjae ran into the back stage to dry his sweat and change and so did Donghae who however tried to talk with him. Not a good time.

“Hyuk” Donghae grabbed gently his wrist the touch seemed to burn Hyukjae's skin. Hyukjae stared deeply in his eyes unresolved question flashing in them. Donghae tightened his grip and they would probably kiss there in the middle of the staff room – oh God were Donghae's lips always so tempting?- if Jungsoo voice didn't call them. Yes. Jungsoo hyung their leader. Hyukjae snapped like waked from a dream. Donghae let it go like a kicked puppy, in his eyes the shadow of deception. Hyukaje didn't like that expression in Dongha'es eyes and he knew it was partly his fault. But I wanted to protect us!

They went immediately to change out fit and to redo some of the make up not having the chance to really speak. “ focus Hyukjae, focus” and he did it because that was what he lived for, but whenever his eyes would meet Donghae he knew he had something to fix. Song after song, choreography after choreography he had in his mind only Donghae.

After greeting the fans numerous times in the end they went back to changing rooms and Hyukjae felt emotionally exhausted more than physically. He went straight to the toilet to refresh his face with water. What the heck was he going to do. He wanted to bang his forehead on the mirror and just check if maybe an idea would pop in that way.

He was the one who wanted for them to slow down. And now he was already regretting even though it passed only few days.

“ Hyukjae are you ok?” he nearly jumped from the surprise. There at the entrance of the toilet was standing Jungsoo hyung.

“ Yes hyung it's all right”

“Are you sure? I didn't want to tell you before the concert but I noticed these days you were a little uncomfortable. I'm sorry to be not present as I should, however if there's something bugging you feel free to tell me. You know I always listen.”

Junggoo hyung. Ah.

He had countless discussions with him, they nearly beat each other even, but there was no man who he looked up more than him. Junsgsoo seemed kinder and polite but they shared that little roughness that made them seem like cold men. But it wasn't the case. Because when things went wrong and he wanted a reasonable point of view he always went to Jungsoo. Not this time.

“ hyung don't worry I'm ok, just something on my mind but I know how to resolve” it was far from being true but well.

“Don't' bare this alone like you usually do”

“ You are of the same kind hyung you know” Hyukaje retorted jokingly

“ That's why. At least talk to Donghae. He seems worried too. Luckily he is coping well with his break up so maybe eh can help you.”

Hyukjae had to bit his tongue to stop himself to say something compromising. Yes Donghae.

“Hyung really you are doing it bigger than it is. I'll be ok “ he smiled trying to be of reassurance. That was the time Dognhae chose to open the door. “Hyukjae are you..oh Junsgsoo hyung”

Donghae stopped in mid sentence and Hyukjae was painfully aware that the reason why he decided to slow down was in front of him. They weren't simply Hyukjae and Donghae but they were Hyukjae and Donghae of Super Junior, bound to be under the public and never alone.

Hyukjae looked at him for nth time that night. He sighed.

He didn't knew ow he managed to dodge Donghae and not assault him over there in some stall of the toilets and act normally during their way back to the dorms. It was early in the morning and he just woke up after collapsing in his bed for a dreamless night. He was seated on his bed, thinking of what to do. He even have locked himself in his room the night before to prevent Donghae to sneak in, useless because the latter didn't attempt to. What the heck I'm doing? Where am I leading us? To lock himself away from Donghae! Hyukjae knew he was being cruel but he had so many things in his mind. The warm breath of Donghae on his neck. The moan he would do whispering his name at the peak of the pleasure. Those simply eyes looking at him in such a way. Hyukjae was going crazy. To surrender to a man like that. To donghae. To put everything at risk. If he gave him what remained to give, what would have stopped them to live their love freely? Too much dangerously freely? Hyukjae was afraid to get lost and not be able to recognize what was appropriate and what no. To be too noticeable and be found out. Because you can't hide love.

Love.

He grabbed his phone cursing in his head for what he was about to do.

“ Yoboseyo”came a sleepy voice from the other part. Hyukjae took a giant breath.

“Hello hyung?” he chirped timidly.

“I refuse, bye”

“Heechul hyung I didn't even speak up”

“ please shut up, I just woke up and don't want to deal with your bull. Resolve this by your own. I refuse to be a stupid couple therapist. So bye”

“Wait Heenim! Please!

“ First your stupid fishy boyfriend , now you! I had enough”

“ Donghae called you...”

“ Of course he called me, he's my favourite dongsaeng”

“ He called you to talk about what I' going to talk didn't he?”

“ You Eunhae are really stupid you know. Just talk with each other and stop pestering me in giving advices. The role doesn't suit me. Jesus, like I said to him my lover is in another country now so what can I know about love and successful relationships”

Hyukjae bit his lip. So Donghae called Heechul again. It made sense. He did went to him the first time. Apparently he did continued doing it judging from Heechul rage. “Donghae seems worried about you” said Junsgsoo.

“You know you are the only one we can ask”

“ I know, that's why I'm still talking to you instead of hanging up like I should”

“Hyung what am I supposed to do?”

“Just be with him, it's simple” Heehcul answered in a frustated tone.

“what about Super junior hyung?”

“Pfttt. Love is a private affair. Love it concerns only you Hyukjae. It's not different from all the other relationships you had before. Just be careful”

“ iI's not.” I'm with man, Donghae.

“Ok, it's not. But do I really have to say it? Just trust your partner for God's sake! AISH! You decided by yourself what was best but just how selfish you were? You are two so the decisions are meant to be taken together. “ Hyukaje wasn't sure he was talking to them or to Hangeng from a past but the words pierced through his mind nonetheless. Because he never asked Donghae his opinion he simply acted on his own and imposed his will on him.

“Hyukjae you are smart. And he's loyal. You'll find balance. But you have to work together. It's like in Super junior. Nothing would work if only one take the lead, we have to all agree or we are bound to fail.”

Hyukjae sighed, Heechul didn't say nothing different from what a part of him thought. Trust Donghae. He trusted him. Yes of course. But...

“I'm afraid to let it go and lose control hyung” he confessed.

“what do you think is love silly? You have to lose in order to acquire and learn that is not losing at all!”

Hyukjae didn't add anything more. Donghae wanted for him to loose up. Hecchul said to him it was ok to let his boundaries go. He still had in his mind the image of Jungsoo hyung in the middle of them in the toilets. There would have always been someone in the way.

“what he meant Hyuk is: we are watching your back” said Kyuhyun. Was he saying “do your just more quietly but if something happens we will hep you”. To rely on the others. On Donghae.

“Anyway if it was intended like a metaphoric sentence I can giveyou plenty advise of how to be a rock bottom Hyukjae”

Hyukjae wailed.

Heechul laughed maniacally before hanging up later saying something like “fix it idiot”.

Hyukjae was left again in the solitude of his room trying to decide what was the right thing to do.

He sighed. To rely on others?

Were you talking about me? Came in his head the snobby voice. No inner Kyuhyun again no!

Donghae was exhausted. Physically because of the concert sure. But more mentally.

More hurtful than a punch in his face was that door locked. As soon as he heard the click he knew things were going down the hill.

Was it really the end? Was Hyukjae thinking that their relationship didn't have a reason to be? Donghae for a moment considered the idea to just barge in and put some sense in that head with some kick. But then the thought of Hyukjae being not interested, romantically speaking, in him anymore crossed his mind and he stopped himself. Sure his heart ached at the idea but if it was like that... well Donghae had just to accept his fate. Because Hyukjae was his precious, his other part of himself and before all this happened he was his bestfriend for life and he would never let anything above all his feeling, to make him lose him. If he had to bury deep down inside him his feelings he would gladly do it just to keep him by his side. He finally understood Heechul, he understood him completely. He always wondered how he managed to let Hangeng go after what they shared. Now he knew.

He didn't know how he managed to fall asleep that night. He was waken up by the noise in the house. Ryewook was talking with Jungsoo trying to convince him to move upstairs now that the flat was available saying that Sungmin hyung even though he was the older didn't claim to have a room for himself. He stayed in his bed a little more but at some point he knew he had to start his day, he had promised Siwon he would go exercise with him. Only Siwon could think to exercise after a hell of concert.

He got up from his bed thinking of what kind of face he had to wore in front of Hyukjae. Why love had to be so complicated.

He successfully avoided Hyukjae all day, something easy since the latter had his radio schedule and even though he was hurt Donghae listened to the radio program his bestfriend hosted like always. Laughing along Hyukaje remarks. Such a dork.

When he arrived at Sm building Siwon was waiting for him in the basement floor excited and fresh which was a contrast to Dognhae's moody state but Siwon was always like that bright and relaxed.

“How are doing lately?” he asked him out of the blue. Siwon was never the type to pry into the others business but Donghae knew that at some point he kept all the members worried.

“Better”Dognhae answered shortly. It was a lie but regarding his ex girlfirend issue he was saying the true. He didn't think anymore about her and even though he had good memories with her that was all: memories.

“ happy to hear that” and he didn't add more. Donghae had confessed to him to have broken up with Yuri because he was interested in someone else. He didn't add anything more and Siwon never asked. Siwon sure was a good guy.

“You know I met Yuri some days ago and he asked me how you were doing.”

“ Really?”

“ Yes.”

“ I hope she's doing well too. We broke up but I'm still fond of her somehow. Hope she will find an honest guy” Donghae replied sincerely.

“ you know I'm a bit clumsy when it comes to counselling but if you need someone to hear you out”

“ yes yes I know I can count on you. You are more mushy than the usual” Dognhae joked.

“ it's because you were doing good but suddenly you became unhappy again, so of course I worry. I'm not blind” Donghae gulped. Screw him and his inability to hide his emotions.

“I'll be ok”

“ are you and Hyukjae fighting again? Because he's acting really weird too and the last time this happened was when the two of you had that big fight... do you want me to talk to him?”

Bingo. Donghae wanted to just hide in shame. So maybe it was a miracle they were found out only by Sungmin and Kyuhyun. The members knew them too well.

“ Please no. it's ok. Sure we had a little disagreement” Donghae had to bit the inside of his cheek to sound natural “but you know how we are. We'll come around. And Hyukjae is just a little nervous no need to be so worried.”

“Ok. Guys just let me know ok?” Siwon always worried about them, he was a good friend of the both of them, he knew he could never be in the middle of their special friendship but he guarded them from his spot, happy like that.

After this weird conversation they continued to exercise and talk about silly matters.

The day went on like that, boring and useless. He didn't have schedule for some days, before beginning again to practice the show of their next concert.

He headed back to the dorm only after dinner. And when he was about to fall asleep in the van his cellphone vibrated. One text. From Hyukjae.

“ I'm waiting for you in my room”

Donghae's heart skipped a beat.

It seemed so dead serious.

It's over, he wants to break with me.

With shaky fingers he replied ok, as his mind imagined the worst scenario. He was feeling sick.

Just calm down and act like the good friend you always wanted to be.

Would he fight?

He didn't know. Love is letting go. He thought about Heechul.

“ and by the way it didn't work out so well. He's in China right now”

Donghae directed his steps towards the apartment like he was in an horrible dream. He entered the apartment and with a heavy heart he took the final steps they would lead him to the sentence. He opened the door. There, seated on his bed was Hyukjae. He had his computer in his lap but as soon as Donghae entered he let it on his side. Their eyes met.

“Just show him the right way” Heechul said.

And looking into those eyes Donghae found a determination he never knew he had.

He went towards him, knelled down to him and grabbed his hands making Hyukjae the stoic Hyukaje confused and blushing.

“Please. You are the other part of myself and I'm yours. Just give me the chance to show you how awesome we can be. We can work this out. I don't want to give up. Not on you. Never.

Just give me a chance Hyukjae”

He said looking at him and even though Hyukjae was avoiding his eyes and was squirming he didn't' free his hands from his grip. A good sign?

He breathed heavily and when Hyukjae left his gaze Donghae was taken aback. That emotion, he never saw that emotion in his best friend.

“ I called Heechul hyung because there was a huge mess in my mind. It was embarrassing like hell but well it's was worth it. Then I asked help to Sungmin and Kyuhyun and the latter snickered all the time but now we have the apartment all to ourselves.”

Donghae was speechless. Hyukjae did all that, for him to go so out of his way...

“I went out of my way I know but it was for a good reason: us. I don't want to give up on us either. Never. So Dognhae please stand up and seat with...” but Donghae didn't let him finish, he stood up a little and leaned in meeting his lips, kissing him like he wanted to do all those days. Hyukjae kissed him back with equally passion, his hands gripping his hair like he wanted to be sure he was real.

And so here they are, standing in the middle of Hyukjae's room.

Lips to lips, heart to heart.

Author's note: please forgive me! But this work will keep me busy till the end of September. You don't know how hard is for me to have to neglect my stories. Anyway here it comes! This chapter was a challenge and the next one will be even more hard (he he). But I'll do my best and I really hope you enjoyed! Thank you for your lovely comments! Love you <3

ps. spoiler of the next chapter on my twitter account =D