10. The same page

I remember a conversation, more like monologue to say the truth, that Jongwoon hyung blabbered once. At that time I was tired and I didn't really pay attention, and besides it's hard to keep track about whatever Jongwoon hyung is talking about because not everything he says make sense. But somehow that time, his words were engraved in my mind and I found myself reflecting upon them from time to time. I supposed his reflections came to birth about that time he discovered fans took Yewook a bit too seriously. He blabbered something about “anthropological case” and “of course if they cut our puberty and force us to have only each other 24/7, bonds a little bit too deep naturally develop”; he concluded with “ we only need to meet more women”. That time like said, I wasn't pay attention to his words, but as time passed they started to make sense. In all those years I had to come to terms with the eunhae thing: my popularity is based for a large amount, on eunhae. It was impossible not to think about those moments, if they were real or not, and if they weren't in the beginning later they came out so easily that I would feel weird without them. Somehow along the way I started to believe in Eunhae. Not to the point that “Oh Hae let's date”, “my heart is melting because of you”, because this really doesn't apply to me. But let's be honest. I don't think I will ever find a better person than Donghae. No matter how many times I thought that maybe we were conditioned, that maybe forcing people to live with each other and make them bond was a bit dysfunctional, I still think me and Donghae were meant to meet, to be. I highly doubt I would ever develop a friendship like ours if I were in a boy group composed by Jongwoon, Youngwoon and Heechul with all the respect I have for the hyungs. I was lucky. I was lucky to find Donghae. And I was happy with the thought of living our life side by side, even after married, even after Superjunior. I like women, there's no doubt about it, and if I never knew Donghae's feelings the thought of “crossing the line” would have never came to my mind.. but Donghae has feelings for me. And when you have in front of you a person that matches you so well, you would be a fool to make the chance go. Someone can say it will put in danger our friendship but it won't, at least I'm quite sure about it. It's because we are bestfriends that's why I have so much faith in us. Again, someone can ask how I can like a man when for all my life I liked women. It's a good question but the answer is simple: because this man is Donghae. I will explain better: sometimes we end up falling in love of a person that when we first met we thought, “no way; not beautiful at all; not my type”. But then it happens. The way this person smiles, that way he talks, his smart remarks, or whatever happens and this person magically becomes the most beautiful and attractive person in our eyes. It's like that. For this reason alone I can happen to like a man. Besides I always found him handsome, because I think of myself of an average person when it comes to beauty I was always attracted to people who are beautiful. I would be attracted to him even only for that. But it's Donghae who are we talking about, so I have millions of motives to like him.

Am I scared? Of course I am. If I think it's not prudent... Obviously it's not. But I won't make Donghae torture himself a day more. It's because I know he's asking himself “why?” that I'm asking myself “why not?” If we won't go all the way till the end, then we won't go. If we'll go...well we were pretty happy as bestfriends why not as something more?

I'm saying we are on the same page, Donghae.

It could have passed a second, a minute or even an entire week for all Donghae could understand in that moment. Because Hyukjae's words made too much sense and thinking of what he was implying, was he implying?, it made Donghae's head spin.

-Hyukjae- and Hyukjae thought he never heard his name being called like that, like there was a sea of emotions hidden behind. Donghae freed himself from the embrace to look directly into Hyukjae's eyes. No matter how an emotional wreck he was, no matter how embarrassing or awkward could be the next minutes of his life, he had to look into his bestfriend's eyes, to be sure...just to be sure.

Hyukjae stared him back, dead serious and Donghae didn't exactly know how to reply. How much he should dare to reply. Donghae didn't know why but somehow Hyukjae exterior calmness was pissing him off. Hyukjae couldn't just ...couldn't drop words like that and didn't expect consequences.

• Hyukjae what did you just said?!

• What I already told you. You heard me. We are on the same page.

• Same page of what?

• You tell me. I think I have …

• You don't think! Hyukjae

• Why are you getting angry all of a sudden?- Hyukjae asked furrowing his brows. He thought it would have made Donghae happy but somehow it seemed the opposite.

• Because of you! How can you say it so easily...then tell me if I say I have feelings for you, romantic feelings for you, feelings that don't make sleep at night and keep me thinking about you all day long, feelings that make me see you in a different way, that make want to touch you in a different way, that make my affection upgrade to a level I never thought it could be possible, then are you still going to say we are on the same page Hyukjae?- he said it. After all those long weeks struggling, trying hard to suppress all those thoughts in some deep and lost reckon of his mind he finally said it. He never felt so exposed before, his heart beating so hard he thought it would explode. “this is the final”.

• Yes.

Donghae's jaw hung open. Then he stood up abruptly, shoving Hyukjae on the floor in the process.

• You!- he said accusing. Donghae knew he was doing a scene but he really couldn't help it. Hyukjae was fast enough to stop him from leaving the room and grabbing gently by his wrist, he said.

• Well to say the truth, it's not to the extent I can't sleep, after so many years I kind of got accustomed about having wet dreams about you... if this is what makes you stay up at night, and I kind of think of you all day long too, but I thought it was normal since well... we are us, and about the touching thing I felt the urge since we were trainees and I even told you once but you didn't believe me and besides I'm not the touchy feeling person so you would have probably freaked out, and lastly for the affection issue... I think I reached the maximum level a long while ago or do you seriously think I would ever be ok with your silly behaviour and with the ridiculous amount of skinship you request because it was in my nature?

Donghae was speechless his emotions not knowing were to go.

• But why..?

• Why I never told you before? because I'm a coward and you know I hate confrontation. We were happy as bestfriends so why change? Besides you were the one who wasn't on my page and I thought you will probably never take a glance of that possibility. So in the end neither did I. As long as we are happy I would be ok with whatever we are, because co-workers, friends or whatever, we will always have a special bond. And I can tell you this easily because I've been thinking about this from a long longwhile ago... and I really don't know what to say anymore Hae...

Hyukjae seemed suddenly drained, he had a look in his eyes that Donghae remembered have seen more than once during those years of friendship but he always dismissed it as something minor, not being able or maybe not really wanting to find out what exactly could mean. Donghae asked himself since when Hyukjae was having this kind of thoughts and how come even though they spent so much time side by side he never actually had the slightly suspect.

• C'mon let's sit down a bit- Donghae simply said interlacing their fingers and heading towards the bed. However once they seated Donghae made motion to Hyukjae to lay down.

• Hae what..?

• Lay down, would you? I Just want to cuddle a bit- Donghae said, trying to smile.

Hyukjae nodded a little perplexed, but he did it, nonetheless, Donghae immediately laid beside him circling his waist with an arm, his head on his chest. He sighed contentedly.

• Since you said you don't mind “my silly behaviour and skinship”, I'm just taking advantage of you in this moment.

  Hyukjae laughed quietly relaxing the body he didn't know was so tense.

• I really thought I would have never been able to cuddle with you again without feeling guilty. I would like to ask you so many things, but my mind doesn't seem to work properly now. I feel like I walked a very long long road and now I'm exhausted but satisfied because I reached my destination. I don't know, I think I'm really, really, thankful to you, for being well.. you.

  I love you. Donghae wanted to say but he thought he would have reserves that for another time, a time when both of them would have been more functional. Donghae felt Hyukjae's arms circle his body. It wasn't the first time they lied like that but it was the firs time that it was so meaningful.

• You should have told me from the beginning- Hyukjae said after a while, the tone of his voice relaxed.

• You should have told me- replied Donghae tightening his hug.

• Well I just couldn't come to you and tell you “ Hae since we get so along maybe we should think about hooking up”. You would have punched me.

• Who knows. Maybe I would have agreed.

• You would have punched me.

• Now you are the one that gave little credit to our friendship.

• I just know you weren't on my same page.

  Donghae frowned.

• Well but you didn't give me a signal, nothing. And you kept dating girls while on the other hand I broke up with mine as soon as I realized my feelings for you- Donghae replied, lifting himself a bit on an elbow to look Hyukjae in the face

• You are right. And I liked every girl I dated. But it's like discovering you have talent in singing while you already are a successful businessman. You think about the “what ifs” but it's not like you can possibly do anything about. At least I thought like that. And like I said you weren't...

• On your same page. Yes you are right too. But now I am.

• Yes now we are.

They stared at each other, Dognhae felt a strange feeling in the pit on his stomach, and his sensations went blank like his world was shifting in that moment and he was in the middle of the storm. Hyukjae leaned a bit on his side and Donghae didn't move. He closed his eyes as he felt Hyukjae's hand on his right cheek. Was this really happening? Was this for real? But then whatever thought he had, it flew out of the window when felt trembling lips touching his. He felt those lips various time before, on his temple, on his cheek, on his shoulder just for a joke. He should have known that having those lips on his would have felt wonderful. He clumsily kissed back like it was the first time, like he long forgot how to kiss. But it lasted only mere seconds before a sentiment Donghae never knew he possessed exploded in his veins and made him kiss Hyukjae fiercely. He graze with his teeth his bottom lip, and when Hyukjae opened his mouth he didn't waste the chance to slide his tongue in. The sensation was exquisite, and he soon found himself grabbing his best friend from the back of the shirt and then move up that hand to caress gently his hair. When Hyukjae his tongue in response Donghae decided it was better to stop before going too afar on the way. They were merely a inch from each other faces.

• Wow- Donghae said, resisting the urge to kiss those lips one more time.

• Yeah.

• I can understand now why Ryewook was so obsessed with your lips after EHB!

Hyukaje shoved him on the mattres- way to ruin the mood!

• Hey I'm serious, your lips sure felt good!

• You are hopeless- Hyukjae said while seating up. But by his gaze Donghae knew his best friend felt kind of flattered.

Donghae back hugged him resting his chin on his shoulder while Hyukjae tried to free himself- Don't even start you admitted you are ok with my skinship!

Hyukjae rolled his eyes- I bet now you are going to remind me this till the end of our days

• yup!

Hyukjae sighed over dramatically but relaxed in his embrace.

• So now what?- Donghae asked at some point

• Now... let's just try and see.

• Try and see?

• Don't you want to try.

• I thought it was impossible.

• So it's a no.

• It's a yes silly- Donghae said kissing Hyukjae on his cheek.

It was Hyukjae's turn to sigh contentedly. Donghae felt like it has passed a century and at the same time it was so natural, he should have imagined it would be so natural, that it seemed like they were always meant to arrive at this moment.

• Ok now that's settled, let's go eat something. I'm hungry- Hyukjae stated freeing himself from the hug.

• And you say I ruined the mood!

Hyukjae laughed but freed himself from the hug nonetheless.

• Ok I follow you but only because I'm really hungry too- Donghae exclaimed.

• Yes, yes whatever.

They exited the room shoving each other childishly all the way towards the kitchen, where on the table found a note of Sungmin.

Guys, I dragged out Kyu with me, to let you some privacy to sort things out. The fridge is empty so you have to order food if you want to eat. Hope you'll fix things.

Your favourite hyung <3

• Fried chicken?- Hyukjae asked Donghae once they both read the note.

• Yes!!!- Donghae said over excitedly.

Hyukjae smiled happy to see that Donghae was being himself again. Don't' tell me in the end I'll have to thank Heechul hyung...

What about No.

• Are you ready?

• Yes.

• Ok here it goes.

I wanna love you; I can't live without you...

Donghae stared at Hyukaje's, following his steps with the eyes, waiting for his time to enter the scene. His neat and smooth moves, the way he was graceful with simplicity. How the heck I'm going to handle this? Donghae said his lips.

• Hyung I think will need to go buy a packet of tissues, family size I suggest.

Kyuhyun whispered to Sungmin. Most of the members were on the sides of the dance floor monitoring Donghae and Hyukjae's choreography to check if there was some imperfection.

Sungmin looked a Kyuhyun perplexed.

• With all this drooling from both side I'm surprised they didn't slip on their steps yet.

Sungmin kicked him in the shin making Kyuhyun to hiss in pain, but he then giggled in content.

ing finally.

Author's note: You don't have idea how hard was to write this. To the point that I'm still unsure and not happy TT sigh... hope it was a least edible, anyway from now on I don't know what will happen. I'm drained right now and I don't have any idea. Ah! I'm going on vacation ( Sicily=D) so we'll see again in September. I hope to come back relaxed and re fresh ( and possibly with a plot in mind). I want to thank my dear readers, the commenters ( I love the comments all of them <3), the subscribers, I'm so happy! Please continue commenting, I need your comments ( It was hard for me this time so please even a comment can help me feel better) <3 what more can I ask ? Upvote? XD

love you and thank you!

ps:pinkapple04 unnie, thank you! Your comments are inspiring!