Dare to love (part 2) + epilogue

I dare to love darling.

Jungsoo knew he wasn’t perfect, he had a lot of flaws like his donsaengs had teasingly pointed out all those years, but he loved Super junior. He was so proud and happy when they managed to stay a permanent group and even though during the years they had  lost some beautiful piece, he still believed in their adventure.

It wasn’t simple. He got angry a lot and the members  weren’t always cooperative.

Who wants he kid. He would do it all over again.

He knew they care for each other. He knew. And, at some point, he even questioned the boundaries of this care. It wasn’t healthy to be separated from their  family so early, so as young trainees  they had not solution but to search that warm and that sense of  safety  from the other kids and to transform rivals and later members in family. It was kind of pitiful, but like that, but hanks to that they formed bond for life.

They were no exception even though probably the most beautiful one was the friendship between Donghae and Hyukjae. He was kind of envious actually even though he himself was really close to them. The first time his vision started to falter was when Hang geng left. It wasn’t normal. They were all affected of course, but for Heechul to feel like that: it was like he lost a lover, not a friend.

It was like looking for the first time.

He faced Heechul once and they nearly beat each other,  he never saw Heechul so angry. Eventually he came to terms with truth.

So discovering about those two wasn’t really shocking.

The light feathering touches, the smiles , the frustration, the necessity to stuck together finally made sense. He knew it wasn’t always like that. Or who knows maybe love was there since the beginning but they were all too busy to recognize it.

However when he suspected he decide to didn’t say anything. It could be his imagination, besides Hyukjae was smart ( and straight)he believed in them. However when reality knocked down he felt like his ground went missing: he could  forgive faults, not carelessness.

So when later that day Sungmin saw him cross the door, he didn’t have a doubt of why Jungsoo was coming, at the same time how Jungsoo got form only a stare that Sungmin was involved.

“ If you can’t support them at least don’t make them feel guilty”. Jungsoo wanted to shotu shut up, but proably his gaze was enough to stop Sungmin. He knew what to do. Did he thought he liked what he was going to say? That it was simple for him to stand?

Donghae opened the door. They received a text Sungmin that said “ Come home, Jungsoo is waiting for you”, which clearly hinted of what was coming next.

If anything they were even more scared.

So there they  were,  seated around the kitchen’s table, like every other day.

Jungsoo was holding in his hands an empty cup of coffee, like it was the only thing refraining him from shouting at them.

He sighed.

“ Guys, what I have to do with you?”

Hyukjae started.

“ Hyung..”

Jungsoo shook his head, in disappointment.

“As you guess I was the one that erased all the messages. I was looking for the two of you yesterday when I bumped into Yuri. She was coming my way with a phone in his hands. I recognized it immediately as your phone Donghae. I managed to take it immediately with the excuse of returning it to you. It was locked but I was afraid she might had looked in your phone, we have to always be careful above all with an ex,  so I checked it. The content, well ….” Jungsoo shivered, like he couldn’t really stand the memory.” I erased everything and called the managers.”

Hyukaje and Donghae gulped. They squeezed hands under the table.

“ I asked them if they could do something about Yuri. I said it was better for her to be away from Donghae since she is an ex-girlfriend.  She probably didn’t see anything but why risk?  Ten minutes later they had arranged a position for her.  I lied, even if I don’t like it I lied to them, and for obvious reasons.

So now can you explain what the heck were you two thinking? And Donghae putting Hyukjae as the password to unlock you phone? Were you drunk?”

Jungsoo shook his head as Donghae suppressed his fears and embarrassment.

“ This is serious ! Do you have any idea in which position I am right now? What were you thinking when you decided it was good idea to each other”

The first to react was Donghae.

“ Hyung! How can you think..!”

Hyukaje putted a hand on his shoulder. He was angry too but shouting at each other wouldn’t save them.

“We are not screwing around and certainly we don’t see this like a crazy joke. You  should know us well. Honestly I too thought for  a while that this was wrong. But  I fell in love hyung. We both did.”

Jungsoo shook his head.

“ Love you say? Hyukjae, how long?”

“ A while”

He sighed again, defeated.

“ Since when are you covering them” he asked accusatory Sungmin and Kyuhyun”

“ Less than you think.”

“ And you never thought of stopping them”

Sungming clicked his tongue.

“Hyung, you know the reason too.”

Jungsoo looked at his eyes before diverting his gaze.

“ We worked together to be where we are now. This is dangerous. It can explode on us any time. What if is you are discovered?  Do you think dispatch or some other magazine won’t find out at some point? You can’t hide these things for long. This won’t be a normal scandal, this will end your career, everyone’s career.”

“ I know. Do you think we don’t know hyung? But what we could do? Living burying down the truth is some deep hole of ouselves it won’t work. It’s going to break us, till nothing will remain of what we once hoped and believed”

“This is…

“ What hyung? Disgusting? Wrong? Your two dongsaengs ing is a blasphemy to your ears?”

“ Hyukjae!” Jungsoo shouted.

“ Hyung, please, don’t give us your back. We are still the same. We still love you and Super Junior. Can’t you find in your heart a place to accept us? “ said Donghae.

“ I… have to think”

“ This is not something  I can digest in one hour. I have to think” And with that he stood up, storming out he room.

Hyukjae slumped on the table.

Why. Why loving hurt so much.

“you knew, didn’t you?” asked on the phone Jungsoo. He had drove  for hours around Seoul , ignoring the calls.

“ Of course, I knew” scoffed Heechul.

“ What should I do?”

“ Park Jungsoo I question your intelligence”

Despite the situation Jungsoo laughed.

Jungsoo called them the next day but nobody answered him so he resolved to go to the dorm after calling the day off for all of them.

That night was the worst of their life. Hyukjae refused to let Donghae put the blame on himself.  He continued repeating that sooner or later they would have found out. It only happened sooner.

Jungsoo found the four of them sleeping on the couch over one another, Kyuhyun’s terrible snoring leaving them unfazed.

Jungsoo never really thought that this could happen. And after the Heechul and Hang geng fiasco, he swore to himself to never accept something like that again. But when the time of his resolve came, his love for his dongsaengs won. He didn’t understand how they could fall in love of each other, the idea of loving a man was so foreign to him.

Never could have had imagined for Super Junior to become his real family, and to love these kids (not only Hyukjae and  Donghae but also the others)  with a love that went beyond  his own beliefs.

“Kids” he shook them. Kyuhyun’s snore stopped abruptly just to sigh in pain having found out he was squeezed between Sungmin’s big and Dognhae’s torso.

Hyuukjae blinked an eye open”

“ Good morning! The others are coming. Prepare to tell your story”

Hyukjae fell on the floor.

What?

 “ Hyukjae. I think I’ve been loving you from a very long time”

EPILOGUE

“ Do you know that with this this kind of hair style, your nose seems more pointy?”

“Donghae!” Hyukjae elbowed him in the ribs.

I never thought of me settling down. Yes I wanted a house, a family and I adored kids. But because of my career choice and me being me, I never thought I would settle down anytime soon. Of course, I had had my share of relationships but even though I was in love and it broke my heart when those stories ended, still I didn’t think  “Oh with this person I will like to spend all the days together till the end of the time”.

At some point, as I grew older, I thought love wasn’t about magic, there was no “happily ever after” and I could call myself  lucky if I’d ever find some company. But to have someone that loves you completely, that understands you from the deep of their heart and even when they can’t still try their hardest, that, I never thought it was possible.

 Deep down I wanted that person.

Even a man can have a romantic fantasy. I’m human after all.

Little did I know I have found this person long time ago. Sometimes we can’t see what we have in front of our eyes or maybe we are only afraid to go against what is commonly sensed.

“Ouch, that hurt”  in that moment Siwon jumped on him, making Donghae yelp.They were still kids after all.

“Yah you two, we still have the other part of the mv to film” shouted Jungsoo as the stylists noonas were looking at them with horror in their faces.

I don’t know. I just never thought it was possible,  for  me to love this much. To be loved this much.

I’m so damn lucky. 

Hyukjae separated them, taking the chance to squeeze Donghae’s hand.

He completes me. He had always completed me. He’s my reflection, the answer to all my requests those long years. 

He’s my best friend.

He’s my one and only lover.

With him, I want to keep together for endless nights.

Donghae winked at him before going  toward their stylist and get restyled again.

Yes this is a man writing all this for another man.  I know how people would look at us if they knew.

There’ll come a time  when Super Junior will come to an end, when we’ll have to face all this, the judgment, the people’s opinion.  There’ll come a time when we’ll doubt and when we’ll have to overcome  things greater than us.

There’ll come a time, but it’s not now.

“You are gross” commented Kyuhyun at his side.

“ You keep saying this since day one Kyun-ah. It’s getting boring” said Hyukjae amused.

“ He’s only jealous” commented Ryewook putting salt on the wounds.

“ Excuse me  but it’s not me who has been single for…”

Hyukjae laughed.

Yes the members knew. It  wasn’t simple to come out to them. They did plenty of jokes about homouality, not being intentionally malicious, but they did, mostly when they commented their fanservice.

Of course it was hard. Not all the members were okay with it but like Jungsoo they tried to overcome their limits and accept them.

Siwon despite being the most religious,  was the first one to accept them, his only fear, as the silly man he was,  was to be left out now that Hyukjae and Donghae shared a deepest bond.  Even though they couldn’t understand, the members never failed to get their backs.

Ryewook even announced he was happy because that meant less competition.

I used to thought,  I won’t ever find love. That I  would have always be damned, limited by my flaws, trapped in this circle of vanity.

I was wrong.

I’m happy to have met you. I’m happy we met. You don’t know how happy I am.

You make think of the impossible, you make me think that our love has really no limits.

“And when I look at you I wonder, is there a limit to love?”

Author’s note:  today at 6 pm after two years, I have finished “is there a limit to love”.

I want to thank everyone that stayed with this story, the commenters ( I read all of the comments, you were amazing!!), who thought it was a good idea to subscribe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I was a terrible writer, taking long to update, making mistakes. Thank you to bear with this.

I don’t know if I’ll ever write again about Eunhae, what I had to say about them, I have said it. 

Everyone keep supporting Suju.

 It was wonderful to write this. I have no regrets.

LOVE YOU.

ps: I'll try to think about bonus chapters