still don't WHY they rated M when is not!!!

4. Losing my sanity

You are driving me crazy.

My desire for you, my sense of loss when you are not here, the happiness I feel whenever you smile. I never thought Love could be so... Much.

It was a peaceful morning at Suju dorm.

The phone alarm ringed and Hyukjae after some seconds threw his arm out of the bed and turned his cellphone off. He blinked several seconds, then he frowned.

Ok, now is getting strange.

Dognhae liked a lot of things but what he liked the most was to in the morning. He made this his personal goal of life: he never missed a chance to mess with him and wake him up. However today it was the third time he didn’t come.

Hyukjae knew he was not the sharpest mind when it came to feelings. It’s not like he was deliberately inconsiderate. He just didn’t know how properly act in certain situations. He was himself a deep thinker and a quite sensitive person. He got hurt a lot and so he knew when people were hurt. But he was also clumsy. He didn’t like to expose his thoughts and his feeling: he was shy and too much proud maybe. Knowing how he himself disliked it, he made sure to never put his nose into other people problems. If they were the one to speak about it with him, fine, he will try his best to comfort the others, suggesting solutions and patting them on their shoulders. Not the best way to comfort someone but again he was unable to show empathy even though he felt it. That was why people tended to misunderstand him. At first this inability caused many arguments with Donghae who was an emotional person, wiht the habit of speaking aloud what was going on his mind. Most of their arguments consisted in Donghae shouting on top of his lungs while he stayed frozen in a spot apparently unaffected. He was dead frightened to tell the truth, he just couldn’t properly react or explain himself. The first one who luckily understood this was Sungmin. “I thought you were an at first, but then I realized you were simply the most clumsy person ever, so you are forgiven” Sungmin once said to him. Hyukjae didn’t understand what the heck was he talking about, he just shrugged and continued to drink his strawberry milk. The realization hit him later. After that Sungmin was his first and best alley. At some point even Siwon understood, but Siwon was not the person who wasted time in talks when they weren't necessary and Hyukjae was grateful. Siwon never once got angry at him.

As for his bestfriend Donghae…well he was the last person to realize. Maybe because for a pure person like him was unthinkable the thought of not being able to express himself. Donghae still believed that people who loved each other could -without any problem - share each other's hearts. Knowing that Donghae thought that he didn't’ share his mind with him because didn't want to. Hyukjae never felt so hurt. He felt as guilty just as much Donghae felt desperate. But in the end they somehow worked it out. Donghae didn't’ grasp with his mind because it was still unthinkable for him but he understood with his heart. So even though he still got pissed when Hyukjae didn’t ask for his company or  he didn’t give him enough attention, Donghae would be the one to just go a claim those things directly from him. Hyukjae didn’t deny him even once.

So when there was a problem that bugged his bestfriend Hyukjae knew he didn’t have to struggle to try and find the right words to ask him about it. He knew Donghae would come to him and talk about it. As for the time being Hyukjae knew there was something bugging his bestfriend. So he waited. And waited. But Donghae never came to him. And it would be ok if he wasn’t acting strange. Too strange even for him.

He was not stupid and Donghae was not subtle like he thought he was. Hyukjae noticed.

Those days he was always spacing out. And more then once he found him with a blank stare lost in whatever was on his mind. Sometimes he found himself being stared at. That times he would simply smile at him, Donghae would smile back but his eyes told him it was a fake smile. When Donghae smiled from the heart you would feel happy only by looking at him. He was a lively creature with the awesome ability to clear everybody’s mood. His happiness was always contagious and would spread around like a pleasant balsam. But when he was sad, whoever would look at him would feel sad too.

Hyukjae was starting to get worried. Because Donghae was getting more and more sad as the days were passing by and he didn’t have a ing clue about the reason.

Was he having issues with his girlfriend? He told him it has none. Was he angry at him? Maybe, but knowing Donghae he would have come shouting at him along time ago. Was he having trouble in general?

Hyukjae was lost. He knew Donghae was not ok but he didn't’ know why.

And his torture was knowing he was completely unable to acquire information because he was clumsy.

He sighed.

The more he thought about it the more he got irritated and in the end he kicked harshly the blankets like a whimsical brat. He stood up abruptly, stomping towards the bathroom, the irritation still running through his veins. He tried to think while washing his face about a reason, failing of course. It couldn’t possibly be about Heechul's accident. He laughed at the mere thought. But unless it wasn’t for an argument with his girlfriend which Donghae missed to mention it was the only traumatic thing happened to him. Well to them. However Hyukjae wasn't too much shocked. Maybe the first minute but then all made sense. Hyukjae was not the type to let things affect him more than necessary. Heechul was gay and was gay for Hankyung and viceversa. Cheers! To tell th truth was far more shocking the viceversa part, Hankyung was a filial Chinese son and evry conservative one. He would never again underestimate Heechul's charm. Anyway he could imagine Donghae being affected by that, knowing how he had the tendency to overthink things. Hyukjae tried to imagine what crazy course could have taken Donghae’s mind to end like that. He shook his head defeated. No way he could know that.

He sighed again while wearing a pair of jeans and a white shirt, dragging himself towards the kitchen.

At the kitchen table was seated Kyuhyun, who was munching satisfied his breakfast. As the maknae saw him coming, he arched an eyebrow. Hyukjae only muttered a “morning”.

• No Donghae today?

• No- Hyukjae replied trying to sound unaffected.

• Is he sick?- Kyuhyun tried to joke. Hyukjae smiled but even he was not convinced at all. Kyuhyun frowned.

• Hyukjae, is Donghae ok?

Hyukjae barely stopped himself to sigh for the countless time. Normally he would jokingly shout at him for dropping the Hyung part but he just shook his head trying to not make another person worried.

• Don’t know. But you know Donghae he will eventually come to me shouting something nonsensical.

Kyuhyun nodded and just dropped the topic depsite being doubtful. Than for Hyukjae’s sanity sake Sungmin entered the kitchen.

He continued munching while Kyuhyun and Sungmin began to chat.

Now tell me, sincerely.

What would you have done in my position? As for me… I freaked out.

I didn’t puke only because I had nothing in my stomach but believe me, I was nearly at that point.

You can accuse me of being a drama queen, but well that dream, pardon nightmare, for me was like committing . Hyukjae means the world to me, Hyukjae is like family. Hyukjae is me.

Ok these words can be completely misunderstood but it’s like that. Period.

Anyway like I was saying, I freaked out. I wanted to hit my head into the wall, maybe if I hit the wall hard I'll miraculously forget. Hyukjae would say I'm a pabo. Hyukjae. At some point I think I started to sob like a 3 years old child, apparently loud enough for Jungsoo hyung to hear me. He came in, his face the symbol of worrisome. I stopped cry the moment I saw his worried face. There was no way in hell I would let anyone know the truth. So I violently forced myself to recompose and I made up a story for him. I told him it was a nightmare, I told him it was about my father and he patted softly my back and didn't asked any further because he knew it was still a sensitive topic for me despite all these years. I felt terrible to use my dad's death like that but well dad would have understood , wouldn't he?

Luckily I had enough good sense to ask Jungsoo to not say anything to the other members -aka Hykjae- with the excuse to not want them to worry. He promised me to keep the secret.

After that I recollected myself and had breakfast with him. Usually we would join the other members at the 11 th floor and have but I asked to do breakfast somewhere else saying I needed fresh air. Junsoo consented. The truth was that the thought of seeing Hyukjae's face in that moment was unbearable. It was traumatic enough to have practice with him later.

How in the earth I could do practice with him? What scared me the most about the matter was not dreaming something like that, even though it would be enough to turn someone mental, but the fact that I enjoyed. And a part of my mind actually thinks is great idea to try it in real life. Shisus.

How you can imagine from that morning on doing practice with Hyukjae was a torture. For real. I had to force myself to look at him. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run at the end of the world and disappear. But it was not possible. So I wore the fakest of my smiles and kept practising with him. If he noticed he didn’t say a thing: Hyukjae is not the person who would interfere if you are not the one involving him.

After practice I used the lamest of the excuses saying I had to meet with Yuri. I say the lamest because it was not true. Instead I walked for hours and hours in the streets of Seoul and it was a miracle nobody recognized me.

Yuri and Jungsoo hyung called me various times trying to know where I was. In the end I really crashed at Yuri’s place for the night. She didn’t comment but considering my face that day and the days after that I’m sure she is suspecting something. Yuri. I feel so guilty. She doesn’t deserve to struggle with me. She doesn’t have to know that, she doesn't have to know my craziness.

The day after I decided to try leaving all behind and act at least with a semblance of normality. So during practice I tried to do the same amount of skinship I do whenever I’m with Hyukjae.

And for a while, for a godly while, I thought I was doing well. Of course my certainties shifted again. He was talking to me commenting about the choreography: I found myself staring at his lips like it was the first time I was seeing them. Hyukjae pinched my cheek in an jokingly manner to bring me to reality. Guys believe me, if didn’t freak out in front of him it was thanks to my awesome acting skills. In a futile attempt to act normal I didn’t run away after practice like all the cells of my body were trying to do, but I came back with him at the dorm. I think they call it denial. I call it stupidity.

Anyway Luckily there were the others: Sungmin, Yesung and Ryewook. My floor was empty but I went down to fill my brain with the members chats even though it meant to spend time with Hyukjae. Gosh. There was definitely something wrong with me if now being with him was bad, when I swear nothing is more enjoyable for me than spending time with him. Apparently it was. However it was not the right time to break down. I was determined to prove nothing has changed. We were on the couch eating and watching tv all together. I sat near Hyukaje like usual and because I heard from some tv program that to overcome an obsession you have to overdose about it and became so nauseous till you become immune. Like I discovered later: Bull!

So I sad next to him. He was tired so he leaned his head on my shoulder. My hand moved on his on and I started to his hair. And it was normal. I always do this. What was not normal was the sensation I was feeling while doing so. Hyukjae was purring because hey I’m not the only one here who enjoys being pampered! Anyway how could I explain what I was feeling?

I just say that grabbing him from the shoulders and make our mouth collide it seemed the only logical thing to do.

And it scared me to death.

Hyukjae means the world to me. That's my problem.

Hyukjae was wandering trough the corridors of SM building. He was drinking strawberry milk while thinking about the choreography of I wanna love you. And about Donghae. Donghae who seemed to come back to life when the instructors told them that it was time to practice with a female dance. It made no sense because Dognhae was ridiculously shy when it came to skinship with women at work. The enormous amount of NG were a prove of that. However he asked himself if this urge to work with a female dancer was a symptom of some trouble in his current relationship with Yuri noona. But no. Dognhae would have told him if it was serious.

While lucubrating a flash of light brown crossed his path and stopped in front of him. He blinked and realized that the brown flash was Yuri noona.

• Hyukjae-sshi, hope is not a problem for you but can we talk?- she said.

Even the supposed inconsiderate Hyukjae knew what was all that about.

Things with Yuri noona aren't going well. She didn't say anything. Yet.

But the fact that I constantly feel guilty everytime I'm with her can't possibly turn out well. I'm naïve but not stupid. I really really like her but I just can't seem to focus. My heart and my brain are too busy obsessing about my bestfriend to be a decent boyfriend.

• Donghae are you ok?- she asked me.

I didn't reply because I didn't trust enough my voice so I just nodded and smiled to her. And then I thought it was a good idea to kiss her. And she let me do it even though I didn't deserve it.

I was covering the truth with kisses.

But what truth?

A simple nightmare. If it were only for nightmare I would be ok now.

I'm starting to feel different, something has changed in me. And I'm afraid I can't retreat that back.

They were awkwardly seated in the Cafè inside SM building. Normally they would be already busy in chatg because Hyukjae was bubbly and Yuri was a kind and friendly woman.

Next time I see you Hae, I'll kick you for sure.

Because only Donghae could manage to create such situation.

Hyukjae sighed internally but maintained a perfect relaxed facade for the woman in front of him who seemed nervous.

The first time Hyukjae met Yuri he thought it was the right woman for a person like Donghae. She was kind, sweet but firm and strong. She wouldn't let Donghae's personality to take over her so easily. In the past that was the main problem in Donghae's relationships, his past girlfriend seemed to not being able to keep with his character and so they would end breaking up with him. Donghae was too much for them to handle. But Yuri, she seemed strong and patient. And with Dognhae you need a lot of patience. Hyukjae intimately approved her even though a part of him was jealous. She seemed to fit his bestfriend and hat was always Hyukjae's special position. But well it was designed to happen.

Yuri was clever. She understood she couldn't get directly to the source so she went to the person nearest to the source. Too bad he didn't have a clue about what the heck the source was thinking.

A kick is not enough. I will prohibit sleepover for a month!

• Hyukjae-sshi, sorry to disturb your practice...

• Dont' even mention it, noona. You know you can come to me for whatever you need.

• Thanks, you are always so kind.

Hyukjae smiled trying to clear the awkward atmosphere.

• Anyway, I think you can Imagine why I'm here. I'm not the person who likes to...- Hyukjae nodded because he knew it was true. Never once he heard her gossip over idols or simlars, even though as Sm staff she surely came to know a lot of unpleasant things- however I'm starting to get worried, and you know Donghae... he's so stubborn and he just refused to tell me things, maybe because he doesn't want to upset me, but I will be happy to share whatever struggle he is going trough...So I was wondering if perhaps you could give some hints, Hyukjae-sshi. Am I over thinking things? Is it just stress? Do you know something? I don't want to go in the middle of your friendship, so just tell me what you can.

Hyukjae sighed. It was all that stupid fish's fault. But if Yuri, the reserved Yuri, came to him and asked information, the situation it was possibly kind of bad. He frowned.

• Unluckily even I don't know if there's something going on in his fishy mind. He's acting a little strange, but it's not the first time, knowing him could it be that he read a harsh comment of the antis and now is all sulking and whining- Hyukjae briefly smiled thinking about the pout on his bestfriend's face, but then he remembered the hurt in his eyes and he missed a breath- he'll come to us eventually, so don't worry noona. I promise you I'll keep an eye on him and I'm sure you are doing the same, so don't stress yourself. He'll come to us.

Hyukjae didn't know if he was lying or he actually believed what was he saying. His afford was to reassure Yuri, he knew Donghae would have never forgiven himself if he knew How worried was Yuiri, and he didn't want to Donghae to feel that no matter how foolish his bestfriend was acting. Hyukjae knew Donghae meant no harm.

Yuri looked at him, trying to read in his eyes meanings that he possibly wasn't saying. She then smiled, because she didn't find trace of secrets or fake concern.

• Thank you so much Hyukjae- sshi. Donghae is lucky to have you as a friend.

• You could bet!- he replied even though he thought that they were both lucky to have each other.

Me and Yuri argued a moment ago.

It was horrible. She was only concerned about me, but I flipped. Maybe because Hyukjae today was more affectionate than other times. And like the insane person I am I just wanted to crush him at the near wall and ravish his mouth with mine. I'm losing my...

Yuri said I cannot cover it up with a kiss everytime.

She was so damn right. But I was stubborn and refused to say something. What could I say? Honey I have a ual attraction towards my bestfriend? Of course not. She doesn't have to know. Nobody has to know.

I ran from her apartment and now I wandering lost in the streets. I can't be lucky twice and not be recognized. I have to come back to the dorm. I want so much to talk with Hyuk.

Hyukjae what I have to do?

You are my bestfriend.

But I want to kiss you so much.

Hyukjae heard the door of the dorm slam. He was in his bedroom fooling around with his laptop. He didn't give too much thoguht, until he heard some knocks at his door. He just said come in.

The door opened. Just a glance of Dognhae's face it was enough to make Hyukjae's heart drop. Donghae's eyes were so beautiful, and now those same eyes were full of something Hyukjae couldn't recognize. Donghae titptoed towards his bed and sat next to him. Hyukjae didn't hesitate to hug him, the moment his arms circled gently the warm body of his bestfriend, the latter started to cry. Hyukjae hugged him more tight, caressing his back with his fingers, saying that everything, whatever it was, was going to be ok even though he didn't know what was wrong. But they will find out together, because the clumsy man in his arms meant the world to him.

Donghae is something I can't explain in words.

Hyukjae's scent is something I will always like.

I'm here with the one is causing all this struggle without being his fault.

I wanted to call Heechul hyung but it was pointless. I know his story and I know for sure I'm at the same page he was back then.

So I went to the only person I could go in times like this. To the other part of myself, my bestfriend Hyukjae.

Hyuk. You don't know how much I want to...

Oh God.

Hyuk, I'm losing...

I'm losing my sanity.

Author's note: heck. It was not simple. Donghae's mind was so similar to mine back then ( I think Donghae is my long lost brother XD). I hope to have done a decent job! Someone told me,  forgive me for not remembering exactly who) that it would be nice to know what was going on Hyukjae's mind. It's not exactly Hyukjae's pov but at least you have an idea. I don't exclude the possibility to write in Hyukjae's pov like I did in this chapter for Donghae.

Anyway thank you so much!<3 please keep commenting and subscribing.

Ps: The title is in honour of the fiction that lately managed flip my stomach in delight.