June 1st, 2013

When did Eun-shil stop crying?

Even when Woohyun told her she had another relapse, Eun-shil didn't let out even a single tear. Taking a deep breath, she gazed at Woohyun and smiled. "Let's try harder." Woohyun watched in wonder, at her calm face which shone a little that evening and gently, he took her hand and kissed it. "Hm."

At this point, Woohyun decided to quit his job to focus on taking care of her. His boss said to come back anytime and Woohyun could only thank him for all the fuss he had made. He didn't tell Eun-shil, saying that he had taken another long holiday, afraid that she would retort at him. Eun-shil looked unconvinced but she only smiled faintly and looked down on her lap.

Even when she had another bone marrow aspiration, with Woohyun holding her hand firmly, Eun-shil was just frowning with her eyes shut tightly. Perhaps she was used to the pain that it was no longer possible to let out any tears. Woohyun couldn't be sure.

After a brief period of break between the chemo, it started again but Eun-shil was always positive. When she felt a bit stronger, she'd ask Woohyun to take her outside and walked around the park. Most of the times, she'd be quiet but sometimes she'd keep on talking.

"Woohyun, do you remember the first time we met?" She asked, looking up at a tree.

"I hit you..." He wasn't actually happy about talking about it. He'd never forgiven himself for that incident, although Eun-shil had long forgiven him. Eun-shil turned to him, giving him a wide smile.

"It was my fault. I shouldn't have tried to touch the rings..." She said, looking apologetic.

He shook his head. "I was wrong." He took her hand and they began walking again.

"Do you still keep the rings?"

"I do. I keep them at home." He said, remembering about the rings. All of the sudden he realised that it had been a while since he looked at them. He used to gaze down the rings every night, crying a bit, remembering his late parents but since he had started working and his relationship with Eun-shil became worse, he found himself forgetting the past little by little. Woohyun stopped short, suddenly remembering the rings he had bought for Eun-shil.

Eun-shil was still walking, looking up the sky. "Is it wrong to say that if Woohyun's parents didn't die...  We might not know each other?"

Woohyun looked down his feet, at his battered trainers and squeezed her hand a little. "I think we can meet somehow."

"I don't think so." She said, smiling sadly. "I think... My presence in Woohyun's life... would be unnecessary..."

"Don't say that." He said, stopping their steps and he pulled her into his embrace. "Never in my life that I had felt like discarding you out of my life, Eun-shil. Ever since you smiled at me at the hospital when we were 6, I wanted you in my life."

Eun-shil laughed a bit. "Really."

"I'm not joking. I wouldn't want to trade having you in my life with anything else, Eun-shil." He said, still serious. "I need you."

Eun-shil gripped the back of Woohyun's shirt, putting her cheek on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Somehow Woohyun's words made her heart heavier that it already was but she said nothing about it.

Sunggyu had brought the keyboard and set it up in her room at the hospital after the doctor okay-ed it. Eun-shil would sit on the stool, and with her weak fingers, she would play some songs slowly. Every song that she played would sound so painful and Sunggyu who would sit beside her while she was playing would watch her face. She was always smiling and when she finishes a song, she'd turned to him and asked him to play a song. Sunggyu would always obey her and played some songs that he knew, trying hard to cry.

The second round of chemo was a success; soon Eun-shil had another bone marrow transplant again and the day before it started, Woohyun sat with the doctor.

"If she fails this, her brother's bone marrow might not help her for the third time."

Woohyun was silent as he walked to her room, and spent a few minutes just staring up at her door. When he entered it, Eun-shil was sitting up, watching the television. She was laughing at something and Woohyun sat down and watched her for a moment before looking up at the television. Running Man was showing and Eun-shil was laughing weakly every now and then and Woohyun turned his gaze to her again, studying her amused face, feeling glad himself.

During the period after the transplant, Eun-shil was always weak and had to rely on Woohyun for most of the things. She couldn't even walk to the bathroom and sometimes would be too weak to realise that she had wet her bed. Woohyun would say nothing as he heaved her off the bed and put her on the chair and changed her clothes and took off the bed sheet. When he finishes putting on a fresh sheet, he'd pick her up again and kissed her forehead when she wasn't smiling.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I feel like a kid..."

"You're a baby." He said, smiling. "And I'm your appa."

"Appa." She laughed a bit and she looked down on her hands, feeling embarrassed still. Even when Woohyun said it was okay, it never felt so for her. What was okay for an adult to wet her bed and shower her every day? Each night she'd look over towards Woohyun on the sofa who'd be fast asleep and apologized silently.

I'm sorry, Woohyun-ah...