From then on, the variety show filming consisted of Sungmin and me just smiling, and Leeteuk leading us through every question. If it weren't for Leeteuk, I'm fairly sure that neither Sungmin nor I would have been able to say a single word. Every time Leeteuk was asked something, he made sure that he somehow phrased his answer so that it involved me or Sungmin in some way. That way, the question was able to naturally deflect to Sungmin and me. However, even then, we weren't able to grab all of the chances that Leeteuk gave to us. When I missed a chance to make a joke that Leeteuk gave me for the fourth time, Leeteuk looked back at me and gave me an exasperated look. I looked into his eyes for half a second, but I didn't acknowledge it and just continued smiling through. When we finally finished the filming seven hours later, Leeteuk scolded me again and even the manager hyung looked worried that I had barely said anything throughout the broadcast, but I just listened to the lecture in silence, and didn't say a single word until we got ot the dorm.

The next two days consisted of the members just sitting around the dorm while the managers made phone call after phone call; it would not have been an exaggeration to say that they were on the phone for at least ten hours each day. The rest of us barely spoke to each other and kept to ourselves most of the time - the only time that anyone spoke to me was to tell me to do chores or errands. At the same time that we had so much time to get caught up on the rest that we hadn't had for months now, it wasn't possible to rest, even when I had nothing to do. I didn't know sleepless nights were even possible anymore since I was so tired all the time, but I found myself unable to sleep at night. I was going through so many emotions to get a good night's sleep.

At the end of the second day, the manager hyung gathered us around. "All of you go back to work after the funeral tomorrow. Everyone's okay with that, right?"

I sighed. Did we have any choice, anyway?

"How about Donghae?" asked Eunhyuk quietly.

"He has an extra week off."

"Is he coming here after the funeral?"

"It's up to him," said the manager hyung with a sigh. "So we leave for the funeral tomorrow morning at ten. And yes, you're doing hair in the morning."

I sighed. It seemed ridiculous that we were still in public eye while mourning - I could only imagine how hard this would be for Donghae.

Nevertheless, the next day, the eleven of us attended Donghae's father's funeral with perfect hair and fitted suits; Heechul was still busy with his drama, and would come to pay his respects later on. When we got to the church, Donghae greeted us at the entrance.

"Oh god," I whispered as soon as I saw Donghae.

He was in the worst shape I'd ever seen him in. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in the three days that we hadn't seen him, and his expression was so hardened that I couldn't imagine that smile that rarely left his face on him. He was visibly thinner than he had been before, and he looked so weak that it looked like a a soft wind could blow him over. As I was staring, the team had already moved towards Donghae before entering the church, and giving him handshakes and brief hugs.

I just watched with my mouth dropped open as Donghae repeated "Thank you for coming" to everyone individually. It was like he didn't even recognize us; his eyes were glassy, and his gaze just glazed us by. We greeted him one by one, and his expression didn't change as he shook hands with each of us. I was last to greet him - I was always last to do anything - so I convinced myself that I could talk to Donghae for longer than any of them had as the rest of the team entered the church. I looked at Donghae, but he clearly was distracted.

"Thank you for coming," Donghae said as he took my hand. I looked behind me to make sure that I wasn't holding up a line, then I took him by his shoulder.

"Hyung - " I started. Donghae ignored me and looked away for a few seconds, then looked at me again blankly.

"Thanks for coming," he repeated hoarsely.

I felt a chill go down my spine. Oh god, had Donghae gone insane? In a state of panic, I took his face in my hands and turned his head so that he was looking at me. After I had made sure that he was looking into my eyes, I took my hands away from his face and took him by his shoulders instead.

"Oh my god, hyung," I said, squeezing his shoulders. "Hyung, I'm scared. Tell me you're okay."

Donghae didn't say anything and lowered his head. I saw tears well up in his eyes. "Kyuhyun," he whispered.

Assured that he at least knew who I was in his current state, I breathed a sigh of relief, and as tears ran down his face, I wiped them from his cheeks.

"Hyung, hyung." I said. Donghae started crying harder, and I didn't know what else to do but pull him into a hug. Donghae hugged back for a few seconds, but he soon pushed me away.

"Get inside," he said. I looked at him again.

"Hyung, you're okay, right?" I asked, but even as I was saying it, I felt silly; he clearly wasn't okay. Anyone could see that.

However, Donghae just nodded tiredly, then he wiped his eyes and diverted his gaze away from me to greet the next person at the entrance and opened his mouth again.

"Thank you for coming."

Two rows of pews had been reserved for us, and I sat down at the end of one of them, next to Ryeowook. The ceremony soon started, and we sat through the funeral silently. We were told by the managers and company representatives not to show tears if at all possible, but a few of us were crying anyway. Donghae sat away from us with his family, and although he stepped up to the podium to say a eulogy, he stepped down again without saying anything; he was crying too hard to make any coherent speech. Just as I was watching Donghae get into his seat and into his mother's arms, I felt a tap on my arm.

"Hey, move down."

I looked up, and I saw that Heechul and Youngjun hyung had finally arrived. I shuffled closer to Ryeowook until I had made enough room for both of them. Heechul sat down next to me, and I felt a tingling of fear in my chest; although there was no way that Heechul would do anything to me now, being near Heechul always, under whatever circumstance, made me nervous. I didn't want to make mistakes while he was close enough to pick up every move that I made. However, I needn't have worried. Soon, the service was over, and the twelve of us and the managers got up from our seats.

We looked towards Donghae, who was surrounded by family friends who were expressing their sympathy. We waited until the crowd had thinned, then Donghae's older brother, Donghwa, came to us, looking equally as tired as Donghae. I tried to imagine the amount of responsibility that he had on his shoulders, now that he was the head of the household, and at such a young age. We bowed to each other, and Donghwa spoke.

"Thank you so much for the support," he said in a shaking voice. Leeteuk took him by his hands.

"We are so sorry," said Leeteuk, lowering his head.

"No, thank you so much for being there for his last moments. It really meant a lot for both my father and Donghae," said Donghwa with a small smile. He glanced at Donghae, but Donghae had slouched in a seat again and wasn't accepting any greetings. "He's been taking it really hard," said Donghwa with a sigh.

"I can imagine," said the manager hyung quietly.

Donghwa nodded, then looked at him. "Sir, I think it may be better if he returned to the dorm for at least the next few days. It's just impossible to get away from it all here, and I'm afraid everyone here is too busy to take care of him here right now."

"That's no problem," said Seunghwan hyung, then he stole another glance at Donghae. "Will he be okay with coming back to Seoul?"

Donghwa nodded. "As of now - he's not in a state to refuse anything."

I bit my lip as I realized just how badly this was impacting Donghae.

"Okay. We'll take him back on the bus with us," said Seunghwan hyung, walking over to Donghae. Eunhyuk and Leeteuk followed, and I watched as the three of them urged him out of his seat and guided him towards us. When Donghae reached us, Donghwa looked at his little brother.

"Donghae, I'll go to pick you up in a few days," he said. Donghae nodded, but it looked like he wasn't paying much attention anyway. Donghwa then looked at the rest of us apologetically. "I'm so sorry. I almost feel like I'm - I'm dumping him into your care."

Leeteuk shook his head. "We love him like real brothers. Please don't think that way."

Donghwa bowed in appreciation, and the rest of us bowed as well. We then turned around to leave the church, and got on the bus to head back to Seoul. As we stepped out of the church, to my horror, I heard a few screams from fans, and for the first time, I felt annoyed rather than appreciative. Do they not realize that this is a hard time for all of us? After all, this was personal, this was private. And if they were going to come - couldn't they be more respectful? Donghae was going through some of the hardest time in his life, and all they cared about was screaming to get his attention? Angry, I lowered my head and ignored them as I boarded the bus, and it seemed that the rest of the team felt the same way as I did. Except for Donghae, who gave one brief bow to the fan girls, the rest of us ignored them as we got on the bus.

After all of us had boarded the bus, I saw Hankyung looking around. "Where's Heechul?" he asked in his characteristic broken Korean.

Seunghwan hyung gave him a tiny glance. "He's going down to the countryside to film his drama with Youngjun hyung later on in the night. He'll return to your dorm soon."

Hankyung nodded as I looked at Donghae to see how he was doing, but it took me a while to even locate him; he was slumped in a seat in the middle of the bus with Leeteuk's arm around his shoulders. I sighed and was about to face front again when Donghae spoke quietly, looking at Leeteuk.

"You said he'd be okay."

Leeteuk looked startled, then he bit his lip. "Donghae - "

Donghae didn't listen and he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes as Leeteuk drew his arm away from Donghae's shoulders.

"Donghae - I'm so sorry," whispered Leeteuk. Donghae ignored him and kept his back to Leeteuk as Leeteuk sighed and kept his face in his hands for the entire ride to our dorm.

When we were back at the dorm, Donghae didn't speak to anyone and just went into our room. I was about to follow Donghae inside when Sungmin grabbed my arm. "Hey, maybe we should give him some time alone until he falls asleep, at least."

I hesitated, wondering whether comforting him would be better than leaving him alone, but I just nodded and complied with Sungmin. The other members and the managers returned to their rooms, and Sungmin and I moved to the living room and Sungmin sat down on the couch and the TV. I sat on the floor, and without knowing it, the two of us fell asleep - Sungmin on the couch and me on the floor, still in our suits from the funeral.

I awoke in the middle of the night when Donghae came out of his room to shake us awake. I opened my eyes groggily halfway.

"Hyung," I said, my voice cracking. Donghae sighed, then spoke.

"Hey, come sleep in the room. I can't sleep anyway," he said. I sat up from the floor, and tapped Sungmin awake. Sungmin gave a small grunt, but turned his back on me.

"Sungmin hyung, Donghae hyung says - " I started, but I was interrupted by a door banging open in the hallway and a loud yell of "WHAT?"

Startled, I opened my eyes all the way and got to my feet as the light in the hallway . I squinted through the lights as Sungmin sat up slowly on the couch behind me. When my eyes adjusted to the light as I saw the manager hyung scrambling through the hallway with his phone against his ear.

"TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING! ARE YOU SERIOUS?" screamed the manager hyung. I just looked at him as he stopped. The manager hyung listened out of his phone for a few seconds, then he opened his mouth. "Oh god. Okay. I'll be there in a few minutes."

He hung up the phone and rushed across the living room towards the front door. I hadn't realized that I was frozen in place for a few seconds as the manager hyung was on the phone. When he got off the phone, though, I got up quickly and took him by his arm as he was putting on his shoes hurriedly.

"Hyung, what is it?" I said, panicked. "Hyung!"

The manager hyung looked me in the eyes.

"Heechul and Youngjun got in a car accident," he said. My mouth dropped open and I felt myself pale.

"What? What - what do you mean?" I managed. "How - how bad?"

"I don't know the details yet. They were taken to a hospital on an ambulance," he said. I stared at him in shock. "They were on their way to their drama location from the funeral." He then opened the door as I stood frozen in place. "Kyuhyun, make sure Jinsoo knows to cancel all your schedules for the next two weeks. And let the other members know. I'll keep updating Jinsoo." And with this, he left the dorm before I could reply.

There was a silence in the living room after the door shut, as thoughts went through my head. Oh god, how bad was it? If it was bad enough to cancel all of our schedules for the next two weeks, especially in the middle of promotions - I just stood there in shock, unable to move or say anything, then I heard the quietest, most pained voice speak in horror.

"Oh god," whispered Donghae. "This is my fault."