Pain. Pain. Pain.

Pain.

I gagged weakly. There was something down my throat, and I could feel it in my mouth as well. But I couldn't cough it out. I tried to move my hand to pull whatever it was out of my mouth, but my arms were so heavy that I couldn't lift them.

And then I heard someone speak in a surprised tone from beside me, and I took my mind off of the burning pain with much difficulty to listen.

It was so strange. I was hearing his voice, but I couldn't understand any of what he was saying. It just took me so long - just to understand what he was saying -

I closed my eyes again and frowned, partly with pain and partly with concentration, trying to understand what he had just said. And when I thought as hard as I could, I thought I processed one word - "Kyuhyun".

I finally opened my eyes. But I couldn’t see anything; it was as if I was looking through frosted glass. I turned my head just enough to look at who was speaking. I gagged again as I turned my head and felt that whatever had been shoved down my throat was shifting inside me.

I looked at the face for a long time, trying to focus, but I was soon distracted by the immense amount of pain everywhere. My legs, my hips, my chest - every inch of my body felt like it was on fire. I squeezed my eyes shut again. And as I did, I felt a tear of pain roll down my face.

What is happening to me, why am I here, where am I?

"Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun! Are you awake? Can you hear me?"

I opened my eyes again.

I think I understood that, I think - he asked if I could hear -

"Doctor! He's awake! My son - Kyuhyun's awake! Please!"

His son -

I clenched my fists to manage the excruciating pain and looked to my side, to where the voice was coming from. And my eyes finally focused.

Dad.

I felt relief flooding over me. My dad is here, I know I’m safe. I felt the corners of my mouth turn upwards and I was about to say hello when I heard a door open. I didn't understand what that meant, though, and kept staring into my dad's face.

He looked so worried, I'd never seen him looked so worried before.

But he was also smiling - and crying, or at least I thought I saw tears on him. But I'd never seen him cry, either. What is happening?

"Oh, god, Kyuhyun, can you hear me?" he asked.

Dad, it hurts so much. Dad, help me, dad, please -

I felt more tears fall from my eyes. It hurt so much…

"Doctor!" he yelled. "Doctor, he opened his eyes! Can you please - "

I heard brisk footsteps coming towards me. I turned my head to look at who was coming to me, but I was barely even able to focus, being in so much pain.

"Hi, Kyuhyun," said another voice that I didn’t recognize. I turned my head slightly to take my gaze away from my father and look at him. "I'm a doctor here at Samsung Hospital, and this is an intern who'll be taking care of you," he said, indicating to a younger man standing next to him. "Can you hear me?"

I closed my eyes to process his words for a few seconds, then after I'd finally comprehended the sentence, I nodded, then gagged once more at the stimulus. So I'm at a hospital?

Why am I at a hospital?

Why am I in so much pain?

"You were brought in here four days ago, after the automobile accident that you were in."

Four days… Why don’t I remember being here for… I closed my eyes and frowned. The accident... the accident...

Then suddenly, I remembered. I remembered being thrown off my seat, being on the ground and seeing the van so far away, flipped over, Eunhyuk in his state of panic as he held on to my hands while I prayed...

My eyes snapped open as all of that flashed past my eyes. I shuddered as another tear escaped my eye.

"Kyuhyun, I'm just going to take a look at your eyes."

And soon, a bright light was shining in my eye briefly, at which I tried to close my eye; however, a finger held it open. I shut my eyes as soon as the fingers moved away, but the light didn't reappear and I opened them again.

"Pupils are responsive," said the doctor.

"Heart rate and blood pressure are a bit high," said a female voice.

"Should we start him on morphine?" said another younger male voice.

"Yes, work it up to four milligrams per hour, see how he copes," said the doctor.

I saw another white coat walk over to a machine by my side. He pushed a few buttons, and a few seconds later, I felt as if all the pain finally faded away from my body. I breathed a sigh of relief - or did I? Am I even breathing right now?

"His vitals are normal," said the nurse a few moments later.

And then I heard my dad's voice again. "Doctor, does that mean - "

"It seems your son is finally awake," said the doctor with a smile. I turned my head to look at my dad instead. Then to my surprise, he started sobbing.

"Oh, thank god, Kyuhyun, oh god, we thought we'd lost... Son - "

I felt his hands on my own, and he squeezed my hand tightly.

But before anything else, fear overcame me first.

Am I going to die?

I opened my mouth and tried to draw in a breath to tell my how scared I was, but soon realized that somehow, my mouth had been clamped shut - was it tape?

I tried to once again lift my arm that my dad wasn't holding to rip whatever it was off of my face. I succeeded this time and I'd almost made it to my mouth, but someone grabbed my wrist and put it back down.

"Kyuhyun, you have IV lines in your right hand, and you're on a ventilator that's helping you deliver oxygen to your lungs. Don't try to speak, because you won't be able to control your own breaths right now, and you won't be able to talk anyway, with that endotracheal tube down your throat," said the young male voice again.

All of that went right past me, I didn't think I understood a word.

I was still just trying to figure out who he was.

"Just - don't move your right hand too much, don't try to speak. Do you understand?"

I nodded and looked at my dad instead.

He squeezed my hand tightly, and put the back of my hand to his face, which was shining with tears. "Kyuhyun, thank god, Kyuhyun - "

Dad, I wish I could speak, just so I can tell you how much I love you, I thought. I was so afraid I'd die without saying I love you, dad, I haven't said I loved you in so long. I haven’t even seen your face in so long.

I felt my eyes well up again. But dad, you're right here. Right here, and I still can't say what I want to.

Then another bout of fear - what if I still die, and I still haven't told you how much I love you?

I can't even breathe on my own, what if I never do?

"God, I have to call your mother to let her know you woke up," he said with a relieved chuckle. "She couldn’t get out of work."

I looked into my dad's eyes in understanding, and he held my hand tighter.

"I've never seen you so scared," he whispered. "Don't be scared, Kyuhyun."

I nodded weakly as he reached out and wiped away the tears on my face. And then for the first time since I’d opened my eyes, my dad broke his gaze with me to look up.

"Thank you so much, doctor," he whispered. I looked into his eyes and found genuine gratitude in his eyes.

I closed my eyes. I was so tired and so drowsy, but I was scared of falling asleep. What if I never woke up?

I forced my eyes to stay open. I am not going to go to sleep, ever again. I don't want to die.

My dad my forehead, pushing my hair out of my eyes for a short while, then he spoke quietly.

"Kyuhyun, there are a lot of people here to see you," said my dad softly. "I want them to get a chance to see you."

I looked at him.

No, dad, I don't care. Stay with me. Don't go. There's no one in the world I want to see right now more than you. Please.

I gripped his hand as hard as I could, but I had barely wrapped my fingers around his thumb before I got tired and felt my hand go limp again. But it was enough for my dad to understand.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked softly.

I nodded, and he put his hand on my cheek lightly in response.

"Okay, baby. Relax. I'm right here."

I was just taking in the sight of my dad's loving face when I heard the doctor speak again.

"We'll give you a few moments, then I'll need to take some blood from him for some tests."

I turned my head to watch him leave, and as soon as he opened the door, there was - a swarm of some kind -

"Doctor, we saw him - we saw him move through the window!"

I turned my head to look to the door, but the nurse blocked my vision in front of the door before my eyes could focus.

"Please, it's still the ICU. One visitor at a time, please, if you're not immediate family."

"But we're his brothers!"

"You're not his brothers, I know you're his bandmates, that doesn't make you his br - "

"Actually, his official guardian just before he turned twenty was also my guardian for a really long time, so technically - "

"I don't care! One visitor at a time! I'm actually cutting you a lot of slack, allowing all of you to be in the waiting room in the first place!" shouted the nurse.

"But it's not fair to ask us to switch off with his parents," I heard. I frowned. That voice -

"Please, everyone, let him have some rest, he just woke up."

I frowned a little at the noise when my dad ran his hand around my face again. "Kyuhyun, they're your bandmates. They really want to see you," he whispered.

I looked at him with sleepy eyes and nodded, giving him permission to switch off with someone else. He smiled and put the back of my hand to his cheek one last time before getting up from beside me.

I watched as my dad walked to the door.

"One at a time, boys. Who wants to - " he started, but he was cut off by a single voice.

"I’m going first," I heard.

"Okay," said the nurse, clearly exasperated. "Then you can step inside, but - " started the nurse, but then I saw a wave of movement at the door as more of them tried to force their way into the room.

"The rest of you, please!" shouted the nurse, and then I saw her throwing her hands up in exasperation. The crowd moved a step backwards, and then I heard the door slide shut again.

The nurse sighed and stepped away from the glass door that she finally got closed, then I got a glance at everyone’s faces.

And then I remembered who it was that I really wanted to see. The one that I’d been thinking of the entire time. The one that I’d wronged just before I -

I ran my eyes through the glass door again, but I couldn’t make out any of the faces. The only one I could see clearly was Donghae, who had just come into the room. I looked up at him, wanting to ask the question.

Where's Ryeowook? Is he here? Please let him in so I can say sorry now. I don't want to die without having said sorry.

But Donghae just stepped around the bed and came to the stool that my dad had been sitting on before and sat down.

"Hey," he said softly. "You look - " he started, then he shook his head. "What am I saying? God, at least you’re awake."

Hearing this, I also remembered that I wasn’t alone in that van. There were Eunhyuk… Shindong… Leeteuk… And oh god, Seunghwan hyung -

How about Seunghwan hyung? Is he as hurt as I am?

Did anyone die? Am I the lucky one?

"God, we were so worried about you, like you won't believe it."

The tears rolled down my face as he held my hand.

"Hey, it hurts, I know."

No, that's not why, please just tell me everyone else is okay. Please.

"Kyuhyun, I was so afraid that I'd lose you," he whispered. "If I lost a brother on top of losing my father - Kyuhyun, I think I might have - "

I finally looked up and into his eyes as I realized what that meant. He hadn’t lost any brothers, so that meant -

Everyone was alive.

I closed my eyes in relief.

I wanted to tell him so many things. That I was sorry for worrying him, that I didn't want him to be sad. That I would do everything I could not to die...

At that moment, the door opened.

"Donghae, they're asking you to switch off now," said the doctor from the doorway.

Donghae nodded reluctantly and patted me on the arm. "Get better soon, okay?"

I nodded back to Donghae as the doctor came to the other side of the bed and started moving a machine on the side of the room.

"We'll do another chest X-ray to make sure your lungs are doing okay."

I nodded and let him move the machine over my chest, and take the blanket away.

I closed my eyes, being so tired, but the door slid open again as Donghae walked out of the room. I opened my eyes just in time to see the machine being moved away, and the blanket was placed over me carefully.

"Hey, kid," I heard.

I looked up to see who had come in to replace Donghae, but what I saw shocked me more than anything.

Heechul had just set a vase of flowers on my bedside table and was taking a seat in the stool next to my bed. He looked at the flowers to admire them for a few seconds before turning to me with his arrogant smile.

"They're artificial, they won't let me bring real ones."

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second.

And even in my state, I remembered the phrase that he had last said to me.

Or you could just die, that would solve our problems nicely.

I came so close to granting his wishes, I was at death's door just hours ago. And I'm still so close to death, I can't even breathe on my own...

I knew he hated me for being alive. He wasn't here to get me better; he was here to - to get me worse... To make sure I really died...

I squeezed my eyes closed for a second, then looked pleadingly at the doctor.

He's going to hurt me for not dying.

Please get him out of here.

"Why is his heart rate going up?" I heard the nurse say uncertainly.

Get him out of here.

"Kyuhyun, are you okay?" said Heechul softly, then he touched my arm.

And if I could move, I probably would have jumped about a mile.

But instead, I started shaking.

Get him out of here, please, get him out of here.

"His blood pressure's climbing, too," said the nurse. "130 over 90 - "

"What? We gave him acetylcholine a few hours ago for the surgery because he had abnormally elevated cortisol and low O2-sats. This doesn't make sense," said the intern.

"How much did you give him?" asked the doctor with hostility.

"Standard protocol," said the intern defensively. The doctor looked at the intern skeptically, then shook his head.

"Check his surgical incisions. At this rate, he's going to start bleeding out. How are his coagulation time and platelet count?" asked the doctor.

"As of two hours ago, nothing out of the ordinary," said the intern.

"140 over 100," said the nurse more urgently.

"Check the incisions anyway," said the doctor. I felt the blanket being pulled away, and the shirt of my hospital gown being lifted up.

"Incisions look okay," said the intern. "At least for now."

I could almost feel my heart beating out of my chest, and it was pulling so hard that I thought someone must be wringing it out. I groaned, but no sound came out.

"BP's still rising. And his heart rate is through the roof," said the nurse.

"Is he in pain?" asked the doctor.

"He shouldn't be. At least not in too much pain," said the intern. "He's on localized anesthetics for the surgery and lower extremities for the injuries plus maximum morphine right now."

I saw the doctor walking over to one of the machines and turn the key. He pushed a few buttons.

"All normal here," he muttered. Then he looked at the monitor again and spoke. "We must have missed something on the CT. A cardiac problem of some sort," he said.

"They ran three MRIs and two CTs, and the results were confirmed by five doctors and three radiologists. The thoracic injuries are strictly respiratory," said the intern. "Plus, we'd have seen signs by now if there was a cardiac problem. It's most likely deep vein thrombosis from the pelvic fracture," said the intern.

I felt the blanket being lifted away again, this time on my entire body, then the doctor spoke. "No. No edema in his peripheries. It's not DVT."

"We can barely even see anything in his legs, we won't be able to see an edema! In any case, it's a thrombosis of some kind. We should give him fibrinolytics!" said the intern, then he started walking towards the cabinet when the doctor raised his voice.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WANT TO KILL HIM?" he shouted. "HE JUST HAD SURGERY AND MAJOR TRAUMA AND YOU WANT TO DISSOLVE HIS BLOOD CLOTS? YOU WANT HIM TO BLEED OUT?"

The intern fell silent and stopped moving.

The doctor shook his head, then he looked at the nurse. "It's not a thrombosis. Give him a round of beta blockers. Let's put out the immediate fire first and figure out the cause later. The last thing I want is the kid having an MI on me."

"An MI?" asked Heechul in a shaking voice. "What's that? What's going on?"

"Get him out of here," said the doctor, annoyed.

"Wait, what?" asked Heechul, clearly enraged.

"I don't think now's the right time for you to visit," said the nurse, then she ushered Heechul out of the room and out of my sight.

There was a rush of movements around me, but Heechul was gone.

And I felt my body relax again.

"What are you waiting for? Give him the beta blockers! Are you waiting until he has the heart attack? Give it to him!" shouted the doctor.

There was another scurry of movements, but then the intern spoke.

"Wait, he's stabilizing," he said. "We're back down to 120 over 85."

There was a silence in the room and a total stillness.

A long while later, the doctor spoke.

"What the hell was that?"

Another silence.

"Should we bring the visitor back?" asked the nurse carefully.

No, no, no -

The doctor shook his head. "No. Let him rest. Get rid of the 3-lead ECG and put the 12-lead on him. I want his heart looked at more closely. Get a blood sample every six hours to check clotting. Schedule him for a Doppler ultrasound on his legs. I want to make sure he's not developed DVT. And I want someone with him in this room, monitoring him every single second," he said.

The intern lifted off the blanket again and started ing my hospital gown, but I closed my eyes, relieved.

*Author's note: Thank you SO MUCH to melabelles, who checked over the medical content in this chapter, as well as answering all of my annoying questions about how a hospital works, and things like drug doses. As well as helping me with my schoolwork. You're the best!! <3