Cusp (n.)

-        I find myself in between wanting to be happy and wanting to do the right thing

Failure or success, right or wrong - no can really understand more concretely than a person of science how interchangeable opposites are. Or people of faith, when you really look at it. If for anything, people like us understand how it is to see things in black or white. Grey areas, although not impossible, are considered a rarity in science. Science feeds on precision, on accuracy. Vagueness is not considered scientific. One must be either-or.

But science too, despite its strict either-or policy, permits its flock a sliver of grey area. We call it hypothesizing. Extrapolating. Speculating. Imagining. In such moment, the person of science is given complete romantic exploit. In that moment, the transition from conjecture to fact, science is most splendid.

The idea of transit implies a perspective of in-between, a cusp from which things appear other as we know them. It also implies judgement.

The truth is, I consider myself a good judge. Normally, I see the bigger picture and can easily make decisions. I am objective and decisive because I was taught to be on my feet and dynamic. So, why do I feel stuck? Why this inability to decide?

“…again,” I heard Jinki say. We were at our house, in my room, trying to do homework together.

“What?” I asked him. I was rather dazed to begin with, and I could care less with what’s happening around me. In fact, I’ve been up in the clouds since yesterday’s lecture. It bothered me still, and this time for a reason.

“Well, I just said that you’ve been extremely unresponsive lately. You seem like you’re mulling over something. It’s definitely not this homework.  What is it?” he replied. Jinki really knows me well. Too well to the point that he knew something was bothering me.

“Huh? I’m not mulling…” I tried to lie but to no avail. Jinki gave me a look that said “if-you-won’t-tell-me-I’ll-find-it-out-myself,” a rare and rather horrifying look from your best friend that knows you in and out.

“Well it’s about…” just when I was about to fess up, Kai barged in the room, not even bothering to knock.

He plopped on my bed and made a bored sound. “I absolutely have nothing to do. I wish it were Friday,” he complained.