Stillness (n.)

-    Despite the weight of memory and pain there is a moment of still clarity that strangely makes you feel perfectly okay

“Are you sure you want to go to school?” Kai asked me again, probably for the hundredth time that morning alone. Truth be told, I wasn’t very taken to the idea of going to school. But I have responsibilities to be met, and a disheveled romantic disposition should and must interfere with that. With much trepidation and against my better judgment I decided to go to class.

We arrived early and I sat on my usual seat. Jinki came in a few minutes later and the first words that he said to me were, “What are you doing here?”

I knew he was worried, but I wanted to get on my life with alacrity, and it can only be achieved by letting myself be acquainted with normalcy. “Attending my classes, I presume,” I answered back offhandedly. Jinki was taken aback with my answer and saw him exchange a worried glance with Kai. Moments before the class Minho came rushing in looking gaunt but he perked up when he saw me, Jinki, and Kai. He sauntered towards his seat and tried to greet Jinki and Kai but the two treated him coldly. He seated on his usual seat beside me and smiled at me warmly.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered.

I ignored him, politely at first, but then he grabbed my wrist and drew it closer to him. I retreated snappily and it was obvious that he was caught off guard, like some kid just stole his favourite candy when he wasn’t looking.

“Taemin, can we talk after class?” he inquired.

“Nope.”

“Just for a few minutes, I just want to explain.”

“Frankly, I’m not ready to hear your excuses.”

“Just…please Taemin? If you want to end this, can we end this as matured individuals?”

I scoffed. Calling out on other people’s maturity is not an argument in anyone’s favour. “I need not to be lectured on maturity since I was not the one kissing exes when my boyfriend wasn’t looking,” I replied bitterly.

Those words affected him, I knew because I saw guilt flared in his eyes. He was ready to snap at me, and I noticed the other two tense up. Luckily, the tension deescalated when Prof. Kang came in.

His lesson droned on, I tried to pay attention but it was rather difficult to concentrate when you’re nursing anger, especially when the root of your anger is seated not many inches away from you.

Yes, anger. I don’t know why, but it seemed like my five stages of moving on began with anger and not denial. Perhaps it’s because I am an empiricist by nature – I believe in what my senses can perceive. I saw them kiss so there is no point in denying the validity of Minho’s infidelity.

I find the word ‘infidelity’ laughable. The very notion of infidelity is conceived in our idea of faith. Weber said that faith is strongest social force there is, capable of defying the laws of physics or eradicating it altogether, it can alter history and change society. And I am hypothesizing that it is that faith that changed everything between Minho and I. I never trusted him as much as I trusted myself, but I had faith in him. Or rather, I had faith in us, and when that was broken I was deeply hurt.

Weber forgot to mention that other than faith, pride is another human trait that shapes the cosmic landscape. I was in disbelief when Minho betrayed and I had to resort in one thing I know best – to build a wall around me. As a person being well acquainted in the darker shade of the spectrum of human emotions, apathy seemed to be the better option. The better option, but not the best. I needed to hold on to myself, my pride especially, that is why it came down to his, simply put it, banishment from my life.

It was easy to banish him, I only had to consider two things: I had to truly convince myself that he’s out of my life and I had to keep my anger in check. Especially when Minho was passing down notes on me as if he was an attention-depraved six year old.

I get that you’re angry, but please just hear me out.

I