Maybe (adv.)

-    Maybe Atlas’ burden is not that he carries the world upon his shoulders but that he let himself carry it the first place.

“—min! Taemin!” I heard Kai call my name from behind. I looked back to meet his face only to see that it is painted with a shocked expression. It was only then that I realized what truly was happening. I looked left and saw Jinki had the same expression too, only his was mired with disappointment.

Many things conspired in a matter of seconds. One moment Kai was behind, the next I saw him punch Minho square in the jaw. There was a collective sound of breaths gasping – and then chaos. I heard Choi Siwon cuss at Kai, and saw that everyone's attention were focused on Kai and Minho. Nichkhun stayed seated, to discombobulated to move. Minho was nursing his bruising jaw and Kai was furious, shouting and threatening Minho whilst being held by two other guys. 

People began to flock around the scene and I realized that I was being pulled. I was still too shell-shocked to even process or think. I let myself be pulled by… by Kai. “Let’s get out of here,” I heard him say. I might have said yes, either way I was relieved to be pulled out of that house.

“I’m fine,” I said as Kai kept pulling me. “I can walk on my own.”

“But…”

“Where’s Jinki?”

“Inside, I think? I’ll call him…”

“Okay.”

Kai whipped out his phone and dialed Jinki’s number. “…we’re outside…. Yeah yeah… we’ll be waiting then.” After Kai put his phone inside his jeans pocket he came onto me and hugged me. “You’re going to be fine, Dad. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t make a motion to hug him back, instead I pushed him back. “Let’s go somewhere.”

He looked at me incredulously, as if I suggested something impossible.

“I can ask Appa to excuse us from our classes. Or not,” I snorted. “It’s not like we’re going to fail anyway. What say you?”

“I don’t think you’re thinking straight now,” I heard a voice behind me say. It was Jinki. “You just can’t take a vacation anytime you want Taemin, even if you’re the son of one of the board members of this school.”

“Fine. I’ll go by myself then.” I stated.

“Tae..” Jinki began, “I understand how you’re feeling but this is not the way to deal with it.”

I laughed. “Do you have better ideas huh? Because right now all I want is to get as far as I can from this place. All I want right now is to do something impulsive, something stupid and something that does not require me to think at all. Is that too much to ask?”

Jinki’s eyes softened, then he nodded his head, perhaps in understanding. “Let’s just go home for now. We’ll take it from there.”

***

A longing. A gash. Something in me broke. I was in my lab, the one place I am most comfortable in. I walk across the room and crouched behind the tattered sofa. I closed my eyes and hugged my knees. My arms were cold, and so were my feet. I heard something shuffle from the door. I look at whatever is looming there – an apparition perhaps? It is coming closer. Closer and closer. It sat beside me.

I was relieved to see that it was Jinki. ‘Can I sit beside you?” He asked. Jinki sat down and I immediately curled towards him. Something in me did not feel right at that moment. I knew that he knew that. The most beautiful thing about my friendship with Jinki is our attunement