Flux (n.)

-     Nothing must stay the same.

When things change, we have two options: adapt or perish. This is the basis of evolution – or at least part of it. Natural Selection states that species of plants and animals that are best adapted to their environment are most likely to survive, while those who are not eventually die out, replaced by the superior, adaptive species.

Sounds rather melodramatic, I know. But it is true. When we were younger, we were taught that change is constant and that we must learn to be flexible and supple and likeable and normal.

I am anything but.

I am neither flexible nor supple. I am difficult to like and not easy to understand. I am complicated and I am not at all normal. That is why I find it rather astonishing that I agreed to what Kai was proposing.

I must change.

***

“So you are saying that I need to seduce a person I barely know on the basis that in the future he will break my heart?” I asked Kai incredulously, dousing my voice with much doubt and suspicion. “I mean, what if none of it happens? You’re here aren’t you? Doesn’t that change everything starting from here to the future?”

Kai looked apprehensive and nervous. Also teary-eyed.

I cannot afford another crying session with this boy. It’s tiring just trying to assuage him.

Kai retorted nevertheless. “Look dad, why is it so hard for you understand this? Don’t you want to change the future?”

I cocked my head to the side and slightly raised my eyebrow, as if expecting him to know the answer already. He did read my diary for goodness’ sake. “I don’t like change,” I said.

“Well too bad, because you know what change happens.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to like them. Anyway, why do you answer me in that manner huh? I am your father after all,” I replied with a smirk.

Kai rolled his eyes, a trait I find both annoying and fascinating. “Because I need you to be happy!” he answered shouting.

“I am happy… I think. Well, as happy as I know I can be. And I promise to be happy until the day I die. Now can you just drop it and go back to wherever… or whenever time you came from.”

By this time I can see him tensing up, as if preparing to attack me. I stepped back, afraid of what might transpire next.

“Don’t you understand? You’re miserable. I thought that you just turned miserable over time but now I realize you’ve been miserable all along. I don’t understand you. This is a chance for you to turn your life around! To be truly happy! Do you think I enjoy watching you die away with loneliness? I need you to be happy because I want you to smile at me and tell me how much you love me. I need you to be there whenever I get an award at school, or to watch me during my dance recitals. I need you to take me out on some father-son trip out of town or heck, to even ground me when I mess things up. Can’t you see? I need a father and not just a figure head, damn it!” Kai ranted. I saw the pain in his eyes, the need to be held and to be appreciated. I saw longing and yearning and the desire to be part of something, the wish to belong to someone.

But clearly he’s missing out on something crucial, something definitive and life-changing. “Say I do this and ‘chase my happiness’ or whatever, what then? What of you? If I end up with him, happy and all sunshine-y, what becomes of you? Huh? Did you not realize that you staying here jeopardizes your very existence?” I asked him.

He looked down. “I know…” he whispered. “I know that… but I have no other means to undo what I’ve done,” Kai admitted.

“What? Can’t you go back… err forward?” I inquired.

“No.”

And then it hit me. Kai is never going to travel to the future. He is going to disappear...“How… how much time do you have?” I asked.

“A year.”

I didn’t know then what convinced me to agree to all this absurdity. Maybe it was the fact that he had so much courage, much more than I’ll ever have. Perhaps it was his determination that made me switch my resolve. Or possibly, only hypothetically, in the span of a few hours, I’ve learned to accept this boy as my son.

***

Change, as we know it, can happen in such insignificant details. Details we normally overlook or brush aside as inconsequential. Such is the horror of change – it is so minute that you never see it coming. Like the way you realize you’ve grown fonder over a boy your age who claims to be your son. That sort of springing up that is somewhat impossible and exciting.

Not that I liked what was happening, mind you. I just happen to be an intelligent person who knew when to acquiesce to change. 

The next day, I enrolled Kai to the university. He might as well do something while he’s here right? Of course I had to do it all under the radar – meaning do it without my parents knowing. Thank goodness my parents were basically impervious to everything I do. They let me do what I want so long as I do not damage their reputation.

The fact that they were part of the university’s board of trustees made things easier too.

So okay, Kai was in the university pretending to be my cousin while I do “life-altering science stuff,” as he calls it. I agreed to the plan, but I still do not see how it will help me “seduce” this Choi Minho rubbish. It’s not like we have much time. We’re both seniors and from different departments at that. The only classes we have together were Philosophy of Science and Linguistics – not the most romance-inducing classes in the world. Also, the semester’s about to end in three weeks.  But Kai said he’d take care of it. I never understood why but somehow I trust him, wholly and without taint. Must be the son thing.

I went to my classes and sat at the farthest row like I always did. I do like to see everything in the room, thank you very much. But somehow, something seemed to have changed. During our Philosophy of Science class, I was usually very infuriated with whatever Choi Minho was saying but ever since Kai mentioned the “love” thing I find myself less aggravated by his answers. I started to see merits from what he was saying, which says a lot considering how much he says are quite overly romanticized.

And during Linguistics class I found myself looking at his back instead of deciphering the Kung San language. Maybe it was because I knew what was going to happen. Maybe because I was informed beforehand that there is a possibility that I would fall in love with him. Despite the protestations of my better half – my head – I found myself actually liking him as a person.

Kai hasn’t done anything in weeks now. He just said that things must progress on its own and that he’ll step up when needed. If I were to be honest, I wish he’d do that sooner.

The semester ended in a whirlwind of deadly exams and unreasonable deadlines. Of course, I did get the highest possible grades in all but one course I took – Philosophy of Science.

I was mad and insulted. I was a scientist and a brilliant one at that. The very thought that I did not get the best grade in a course that deals with the ethos of Science is simply unthinkable. It was only through thorough investigation that I found out that Choi Minho got the highest grade.

S