Chaos (n.)

-    What is real is a vast collection of moments – chaotic and unorganized – that only makes sense in the end.

Minho and I remained seated side by side for the rest of the night, not even bothering to socialize. Our phones rang incessantly but neither of us wanted to answer it, eventually our friends found us and had to pry us apart. They were relieved that we made up, but they weren’t too glad that we temporarily disappeared.

We walked out of the oceanarium, our hands clasped, as the crowd dissipated in silent retreat. I was never the one to initiate physical contact with Minho; I always thought that it was needy and too showy. But there I was, touching and squeezing Minho’s hand as if it were the only thing that mattered. I saw Jinki smile at us, nodding in approval at my renewed relationship. I noticed too that Kai was happier than usual; his walk definitely had that added spring.  Kibum too was looking more smug than usual and was chatting non-stop about the night’s fashion climate. It assured me, partially at least, that I was doing the proper thing.

Of course, the most important assurance of all came from Minho. I looked at him and saw him glowing, basking in this new step of our relationship. His smile was the most earnest I’ve seen from him, and I can see how happy he was. I could not ask for anything anymore. For a long time I felt content, and whatever doubts I had suddenly didn’t seem to matter.

***

How we relate to people can sometimes be chaotic. In physics, it is believed that the universe started out as a singularity, that in this singularity no chaos existed, but as the universe expanded, so did chaos. It is like our feelings; somehow they begin as a non-existent singularity then eventually grows. At this moment the universe is still ever growing, and with its vastness, chaos also becomes more and more apparent.

But chaos happens to be the most beautiful thing in the world. It denotes that the changes that is happening, no matter how seemingly random, makes sense in the end. Chaos is not a pit, it isn’t a black hole. Chaos is the mechanism that moves the universe. It is the force that gives life meaning and direction.

Minho, I’ve learned is like chaos personified. Not that he’s indecipherable or disorganized but he is so exponentially complicated and sprawled out that it takes time to truly understand him. That’s the thing I like most about him. He challenges me and my notion of the human mind – a person can complicated yet stable at the same time. Call it, and organized chaos.

For example, his touches are always unintentional and tentative. He doesn’t realize sometimes that he’s reaching out to hold my hand or pulling me in closer for a hug. Sometimes, he plays with my fingers without even recognizing that he’s doing it until I point it out. There are moments that he’d kiss me on cheeks, leaving me looking like a bright, freshly picked tomato. Physical intimacy is like breathing for Minho – he craves it but he doesn’t know he needs it unless you take it away from him.

Minho too, is too poetic. He would shower me with declarations of love in the